crisplover

And here I am again. Hungover and feeling absolutely disgusted with myself. I won't bore you all with the details of my drunken evening. It's always the same sh*t, different day anyway.

Yesterday I was out with a group that I am training to complete an endurance event next month being told that I was an inspiration. What a phoney I am!! I'm not an inspiration, I'm a terrible person. I should be waking up in a cell today.

What the hell am I going to do? I have tried everything and still I go back and do it all again. What is the matter with me??

CHUCKD

You're in a pretty solid endurance event with your alcoholism, it's you vs. you. You've got to be the best member on your team!

Dee74

Hi C

I did the same thing over and over again. That's part of being an alcoholic. But I compounded that error by trying the same things to stop myself too - willpower, diversion, moderation, avoidance of situations by staying home....

Over and over and over...

I think nothing worked for me for all those years because I wasn't making enough changes.

I think too was still reacting to my addiction...it held all the cards, even when I wasn't drinking...


I was fighting myself...and that way which ever 'side' won....I lost.

I needed to accept that drinking was no longer and viable option for me - and I needed to accept that I needed to put a lot more effort into changing myself and my life.

Once I accepted those things, the immense mountain before me got a lot smaller, very quickly.

I did it, so I know you can do this too.

so what's the plan - what can you add to what you've been doing?

D

CHUCKD

"I needed to accept that drinking was no longer and viable option for me - and I needed to accept that I needed to put a lot more effort into changing myself and my life."

I think that's where I am at right now. Given I've only been sober for 1 week. I am 20 years old and went through withdrawal about 3 times in the past 4 months. . with the most recent episode being this week after drinking only 1 day. It simply ISN'T a viable option for me anymore.

It's obviously not going to be easy, but you can do it one way or another. I read a really good post here earlier that shed a lot of light on alcoholism to me "We're all going to stop drinking eventually, it's up to you to decide how"

The way I was drinking, even more so the stupid decisions I would make while under the influence (driving. . . . fast. . ) I was headed down a pretty lame road that was sure to end in me either being killed or imprisoned. NOW if I could just get over this insomnia! I used to sleep so good!

Rusty Zipper

crisp,

nah, your not a bad person

just an alky

crisp, have you followed though with anything?

the action and daily discipline worked for me

good wishes crisp

SSIL75

Well it's good to see you back anyway.

I have nothing to add really. You have to take drinking OFF THE TABLE as an option. Like literally no more an option than... IDK think of something totally obscure for you and align it to that.

Every urge you have is your alcoholic voice. It is not you. It is the alcoholic.

I kept putting it off. Well I'll just drink tonight and then on Monday I'll get myshit together. Again and again and again. Meanwhile, how much damage to me? My marriage? My children?

Take it off the table. You can't drink, ever again ever. Ever!! There is freedom in that. Embrace it

Zencat

What is helping me is maintaining a greater desire to stay sober than to drink. Also I have to change how I viewed alcohol and not reach for the drink when I can use some of the recovery tool that will help not choose to drink.

Plenty of people live an healthy alcohol free lifestyle. They find a recovery program that best fits their needs and practice that program daily.

I hope you find something that works for you and live the good life sober.

GettingStronger2

I don't think the question is will you ever learn. Instead, i think the question is will you ever change. Are you willing to go to any lengths to get and stay sober? If so, you will find the means to change. If not, you will continue down the path until you are ready.

LaFemme

You are not a bad person...when you beat yourself up that way you open the door to drink again...at least I did. By loathing myself I didn't care that I was drinking poison.

Learning to love myself enough not to destroy myself was a major component of sobriety. You are a good person with a bad problem...you are not the problem.

Hugs.

crisplover

Thanks everyone for your help.

Tomorrow I'm going to start again. Never ever give up, right?

Bored3

Yesterday was a nightmare, tomorrow you are going to quit. What happens to today?

Putting it off until "tomorrow" never works.


EDIT: Just read the blog. My point remains though, don't drink anymore today at least.

LaFemme

Never give up, there's always hope....try and learn from your slips. I know I did and eventually it paid off!

happyme

Your post is just about identical to mine from yesterday.. My hangover was so bad I thought I was actually going to die, my heart wasn't working properly at all and I kept passing out. I've tried to quit before (I am not a daily drinker but once I start I simply CANNOT stop) and gone back to it because I'll apply this or that "rule" to help me stop. Never works and the quote below sums up how I feel 100%

"You can't drink, ever again ever. Ever!! There is freedom in that. Embrace it"

I do feel quite liberated. Ashamed of my latest drunken antics, still hungover, still depressed and anxious but also quite free. I never want to drink again. The balance has tipped and the negatives far outweight the positives (they always have but I just couldn't admit it).. This is day 2 for me and I'll take every day at a time but surrendering to that idea above of not starting with that first drink is so helpful and liberating!

artsoul

Hi crisp - You got it right: never give up.

I had to stop thinking about the couple of hours of relief that alcohol gave and start looking at whole picture, what alcohol would do to me the next day and down the road if I didn't stop.

There's a sane part of me that knows I can't drink, and an infantile alcoholic part that just wants bliss (or escape) NOW. The problem is, that kind of bliss is nothing but a mirage - and we pay dearly for it.

Hope you feel better soon!!!

MsCooterBrown

Crisp..hold on to how you feel after you drink..I had to really know that alcohol was slowly killing me..remembering all the worsts..hangovers..dangerous behaviors...anxiety..and once I accepted that it will be like that EVERY stinking time I drank..I lost my obsession to drink. Try it..some how you must be holding on to a thought that THIS TIME it will be different. Trust me..it is never different to alcoholics.

Itchy

Good to see ya again! I am rooting for you and hoping you find the way to get to where you want to be and deserve to be. You usually post here when sober or hung over but when you were in the week or four stage you are a funny and very likeable person. Sober! Get what you need to do differently and take that second chance at living life free that only you and some support can give to yourself.

Maybe this is the time. At least you don't give up for years again when you relapse. You are getting there.

Mundaring61

Hi Crisp

I can't offer you any words of wisdom apart from my own experiences. I relapsed again Saturday, after a month of sobriety. Did all the usual idiotic stuff, driving my car half drunk, almost wetting my pants because I had drunk too much between 'stops', the list goes on.
All we can do is try again, one day at a time.
The worst part, for me anyway, is I absolutely love being sober. So why the hell do I spoil it by getting drunk?
Good luck to you my friend.
Cheers
Cristian