becoming

and this might be kinda obvious but one of the reasons it has been so hard for me to give up alcohol is not only because I love to get wasted but because of the role it plays in my culture. We celebrate with it, socialize with it, let loose with it, bond with others while drinking it. So when we give it up we don’t just loose our coping mechanism and our escape but we are also put on the outskirts of a number of social customs/norms. This presents an additional set of challenges in addition to overcoming an addiction. It seems to me like these additional challenges are not as prevalent when trying to kick an addiction to an illegal drug i.e. it is not customary to shoot heroin or snort cocaine at a wedding. Not to say that these addictions are any less of a struggle, because by no means are they; it is just different in this regard.

I definetly see that the alcoholic mind is distorted to a degree in thinking that everyone drinks, but there is no denying that alcohol is widely used/accepted in our society. It just adds another aspect to giving it up. I guess what I am trying to say is that we are all very brave and should be very proud of ourselves = )

None of this has in anyway changed my resolve too give up drinking entirely, just some of my thoughts.

Have a great weekend everyone!

ste

Yes, culture can make it seemingly easier, just by making it legal. In the end, an active alcoholic would drink wherever, whenever and however.

IMHO getting "wasted" is frowned upon in any society, maybe not every culture.

Mark75

Well sure, that alcohol is such a part of our society.... social customs, all that, makes it a unique struggle, as opposed to illicit drugs... no doubt. The head games that go along with either, alcoholism and drug addiction, are breathtaking.

I saw something in your post that resonated with me. Something I had to work on as part of my own recovery....

Let me up the ante even ...

I am catholic and I felt like I was put on the outskirts of my church's religious ritual. LOLOLOLOLOL. Like I was being penalized here on earth, in my own house of worship.... LOLOLOL .... I wonder what those 4 out of 5 people think when they pass right on by the chalice, taking only the wafer? That they are on the outskirts?

You can insert whatever righteous indignation here... I did...

- I wasn't able to take my son out for a beer when he turned twenty one...

.... well, I was, he had a draft and I had a seltzer with a twist.

- I won't be able to toast my son at his college graduation.

.... seltzer water I am pretty sure will work fine there too... same for my daughter's wedding, whenever that will happen....

On and on and on... Those justifications, rationalizations.... Boy, alcohol is cunning, uh?

I put myself on the outskirts because my desire to drink, or whatever, was so strong that I tricked myself into the mindset that I was missing out, not getting my fair share, whatever, by not drinking...

Now what is it, exactly, that I miss out on when I am trashed?



Mark

LaFemme

Normal doesn't equal right. Being a non-drinker I embrace being different. I go to cocktail parties and dinners and drink whatever I am drinking and am grateful it is no longer as much wine as I can manage to get down.z

Zini

A great post, becoming, and a great reply, Mark75.
It's so true that alcohol is everywhere around us, and is always used as a lubricant in social occasions. And while, as ste pointed out, getting wasted is not exactly celebrated, it is also somewhat overlooked, if it doesn't happen too often. Seen as a rite of passage, the downfall to the rollicking good time that alcohol seems to allow people to have. And perhaps that's what we were all attracted to in the first place: that looseness, and that loss of inhibition, that afterwards becomes the darkest side of our addiction.
There are reminders of our vice everywhere, but that can also be a good thing, in a very bittersweet way.
Yesterday on my way to my AA meeting, I saw a man huddled in the alleyway, his belongings in trash bags around him, three empty beer bottles on the ground before him and another going down his throat.
And I thought, "there, but for the grace of the higher power, go I..."
I think, what was so prescient in Mark's reply, is that it is important not to allow the ubiquitous presence of alcohol to fuel any feelings of resentment or self-pity. We CAN still do the things we love, celebrate important milestones, be around the people we love, all without alcohol. It is not a necessary ingredient. In fact, how much nicer it is to attend celebrations and to remember every minute. To look back on the memory with pride and joy as opposed to dread and shame.
As another poster pointed out on another thread (I think it was SSIL75), this new life is one of opportunity, not deprivation.
Self-pity is the greatest weapon of the alcoholic mind. I think we need to learn to call it on its fake message every time.
That way, when we raise that glass of seltzer water in celebration, we are also celebrating our own grace and health and ability to be there, in the moment. Something alcohol robs from us.
And so I choose to see gratitude as the antidote to self-pity.
Anyway, thanks for the thought-provoking post and responses.
I am learning so much from all of you, about what it means to live a present life. Many thanks

Supercrew

This thread seems to go back to romanticizing the drink. My wife never drinks/drank, (didn't like the effect), and she has no problems fitting in socially. She goes to bbqs, happy hours, ball games, my sons 21 birthday..... I never heard her once say "I just don't feel like I am part of the party". The reason is because she puts no importance on alcohol. People don't look at her funny when she has a water, she feels accepted not drinking.

These feelings about social gatherings are all in our heads, and all reasons we have justified drinking for so long even though it has caused us problems. As far as the Catholic ritual, I am not Catholic, but I have been to Catholic mass, more than once, and they always served juice, the wine wasn't the ceremony, it was a symbol, and if you really wanted the wine for religious purposes I am sure you could drink the small sip without a full blown relapse, if you were only drinking it for the ceremony

Yes we might perceive these things as social norms, but the reality is we (alcoholics) place way too much emphasis on alcohol itself than a person who is not obsessed with it.

That being said, I agree, when I first started my sobriety I felt like I was getting the short end of the stick, "man everyone drinks for everything!!! Poor me!!", and it was mentally hard, but the longer I stay sober the more I realize it is just in my head.

becoming

Thanks everyone for the responses, especially Zini - really well said! You are so right, it is all in our perception and I feel so fortunate to finally be at the point where I am starting to move forward from the grief stage of feeling like I lost a "friend". I had my first sober party the other night and while the open bar was tempting, I managed to resist and had a great time. Not being hungover the next day was pretty sweet too! Its a process and I am glad to be coming along in mine. I am off to a wedding today with yet another open bar, not stressing it though. I will not be focusing on the fact that I can't drink, but rather on having a great time with my wife.

Thanks again!

CarolD

Well ...I was brought up with no drinking and we celebrated
everything without alcohol.
I broke the norm by becoming a drinker.

Now as a recovered AA alcoholic I still celebrate events sans alcohol
it's not the contents of the glass that is important

This can be true for anyone interested in sober living.

NYCDoglvr

********. Drinking is prevalent in nearly all cultures (unless you're Islamic, Quaker or Mormon) so that simply is no excuse. In the beginning I had to avoid situations that might trigger a craving for a drink. But after I was solidly sober I went on cruise ships, to many cocktail parties and dinner parties where nicely dressed people where having wine and cocktails.

becoming

What exactly is BS? Obviously, drinking is prevalent in many cultures, I was merely referring to my own. Secondly, how does drinking being commonplace not make it more difficult for someone trying not to drink? Especially, someone in early recovery??

stacylove

Hiya Becoming, I know what you mean, although my doc is not alcohol, I also have to give up alcohol, and that is a problem for me too. I would only drink on special occasions and now I also have to refrain from drinking even though I am not a problem drinker, I know when to stop.

I find myself not getting invited to as many social gatherings as I had in the past. I even had one friend tell me she couldn't hang out with me anymore because I was too much of a goodie goodie now I think she was kidding but I didn't find it funny.

We can have a fun time without alcohol, I have done it, but we still will be judged and I don't like that.

<3 Stacy

artsoul

Hi becoming (like that name!)

You're right - it is all around us. Once I owned up to my problem, it really was horrifying to think about all the damage alcohol does. I was ready to crusade for another Prohibition......

Over time I've been able to accept it a little better because I've been around it and have seen that most people can have a little bit and move on. (Going to bars I'm sure would be a bit different because that's what people are there for).

I'm so thankful I can celebrate just being me today.... instead of having the alcohol do it for me. Thanks for the great post!

Reset

I dunno. There was a thread here the other day about things you've learned since quitting, and one of the things I wrote was that I learned that alcohol is not as woven into the fabric of our society as I thought it was.

Basically, I meant that before, I thought navigating the social waters without a drink in hand would somehow make me an outcast, but it's not really the case. Actually the reverse is true because I'm now more willing to socialize and can actually hold a conversation with someone.

Lifeislong

9 days sober and I had to spend two days last week at a Sales Kickoff where everyone there knew me as a drinker. I had about 10 club sodas and had a blast! People did not realize I was not drinking alcohol. I was still able to have a good time and quite frankly I was (VERY PLEASANTLY)surprised I could have a good time without alcohol. Who woulda thunk it??? Here is the best part folks, when everyone else was chugging water/feeling like crap during training the next morning, I was awake, chipper and ready to go!

EmeraldRose

I agree with Supercrew...my family were not drinkers as I grew up. We didn't have alcohol at any family gatherings -my Dad might by a 6 pack for some of the others but generally speaking, they were all non-alcoholic gatherings, parties, etc.
You can enjoy life without worrying if there's gonna be booze at a function. It is our thinking that provokes us to believe that everyone is doing it but me. If you really look around next time you are at a function...count drinkers vs. non drinkers. You will be pleasantly surprised.
I have not yet (in my sober days) been in a situation where alcohol was an issue. So I can't speak from experience -but the thoughts would happen in my head if I'm sitting at a table with 4 drinkers or if I'm sitting in my livingroom watching a commercial. It's stickin thinkin.

becoming

Stacy your friend sucks for saying that! I know first hand that you are totally fun times = )

Thanks for your support my friend!

becoming

Thanks so much for the post artsoul! You always have such great posts, filled with compassion and wisdom. Please know they are much appreciated. Have a great day = )