Wondering if I am in the right place
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: adelaide
Posts: 5
Wondering if I am in the right place
Hi folks,
I am a serious problem drinker / alcoholic / not sure yet.
I don't know if a label will help me, but put it this way - I just did a screening test and got 13 out of 20. Not good. But a lot of the answers in my head were: "A bit." "Yeah, sometimes." "Kinda." etc.
I just wanted to ask about a few things.
I am at the point of wondering if any kind of 'reduction' is possible or if it is going to have to be permanent sobriety for me to fix this.
Main indicators to suggest permanent sobriety is the answer are a family history of alcoholism, and also, the fact that I currently struggle to stick at just one or two drinks. Often I'd rather stay sober than have one or two, and I end up wishing I had. Sometimes I feel very weird and angry if I have a few drinks and then stop. Other times it's OK. I haven't worked out what the difference is.
On the other hand, both my parents managed to cut down a lot from their peak abuse years and ended up moderate drinkers, and, I am actually getting slowly better at "having just a few", over the last few years.
So it could be possible for me to return to moderate drinking. I'd rather cut down than stop, because I do like drinking, socially, when it is right. But it is so often not right.
Currently I am in a period of sobriety (drinking a bit, about once a week) for Lent, and realizing how clammy, vague and tired I feel. I think I am in withdrawal. This is the first time I have noticed this when going through a cut-back period, which I do about twice a year.
Drinking does affect my life, but it isn't a total mess. My family life is actually pretty good and my relationship with my wife is often great. My work is a bit boring and stressful and I am not supervised, so I can slack off and go and drink on my own in the afternoon, rather than do anything. If I get started by 2pm I can end up drinking maybe 15-20 standard drinks in a day. My wife hates this and says I turn into a jerk when I am drunk. Not violent, but obnoxious and argumentative and lazy and careless, and also, just boring. And it is boring, and a waste of life.
For the past ten years this kind of drinking has been going through phases of happening quite a lot - some heavy phases lasting or two or three months or so, then a sober patch, then back to drinking a lot again.
I know you guys aren't supposed to give out medical advice, but I am wondering if there are people here on this forum who are interested in ways to cut down? Or, is this forum just for people in the AA system who don't drink at all?
I ask this because I imagine it might be harder for people who are "counting the days" to be dealing with people like me who are still contemplating a few days of light drinking every week.
Also I just want any advice / experiences about how you actually work out whether moderate drinking is possible any more, if you have been a frequent alcohol abuser like me.
Basically the questions is: at what point are you legitimately experimenting with the need to cut down, and, at what point are you just kidding yourself because you don't want to admit that it has already gone too far for that?
I am a serious problem drinker / alcoholic / not sure yet.
I don't know if a label will help me, but put it this way - I just did a screening test and got 13 out of 20. Not good. But a lot of the answers in my head were: "A bit." "Yeah, sometimes." "Kinda." etc.
I just wanted to ask about a few things.
I am at the point of wondering if any kind of 'reduction' is possible or if it is going to have to be permanent sobriety for me to fix this.
Main indicators to suggest permanent sobriety is the answer are a family history of alcoholism, and also, the fact that I currently struggle to stick at just one or two drinks. Often I'd rather stay sober than have one or two, and I end up wishing I had. Sometimes I feel very weird and angry if I have a few drinks and then stop. Other times it's OK. I haven't worked out what the difference is.
On the other hand, both my parents managed to cut down a lot from their peak abuse years and ended up moderate drinkers, and, I am actually getting slowly better at "having just a few", over the last few years.
So it could be possible for me to return to moderate drinking. I'd rather cut down than stop, because I do like drinking, socially, when it is right. But it is so often not right.
Currently I am in a period of sobriety (drinking a bit, about once a week) for Lent, and realizing how clammy, vague and tired I feel. I think I am in withdrawal. This is the first time I have noticed this when going through a cut-back period, which I do about twice a year.
Drinking does affect my life, but it isn't a total mess. My family life is actually pretty good and my relationship with my wife is often great. My work is a bit boring and stressful and I am not supervised, so I can slack off and go and drink on my own in the afternoon, rather than do anything. If I get started by 2pm I can end up drinking maybe 15-20 standard drinks in a day. My wife hates this and says I turn into a jerk when I am drunk. Not violent, but obnoxious and argumentative and lazy and careless, and also, just boring. And it is boring, and a waste of life.
For the past ten years this kind of drinking has been going through phases of happening quite a lot - some heavy phases lasting or two or three months or so, then a sober patch, then back to drinking a lot again.
I know you guys aren't supposed to give out medical advice, but I am wondering if there are people here on this forum who are interested in ways to cut down? Or, is this forum just for people in the AA system who don't drink at all?
I ask this because I imagine it might be harder for people who are "counting the days" to be dealing with people like me who are still contemplating a few days of light drinking every week.
Also I just want any advice / experiences about how you actually work out whether moderate drinking is possible any more, if you have been a frequent alcohol abuser like me.
Basically the questions is: at what point are you legitimately experimenting with the need to cut down, and, at what point are you just kidding yourself because you don't want to admit that it has already gone too far for that?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi steepo
I don't know how anyone can be sure moderation will work for them. I just know I tried moderating myself for 20 years - not only could I not do it for any length of time, but I was miserable regardless of whether it 'worked' or not.
Abstinence, and recovery along with it, on the other hand has given me the chance to be the guy I always wanted to be - I'm happy for the first time in my adult life - and that's worth giving up an inert liquid for.
If you want to try, then you'll try - and I wish you the best. Just don't waste 20 years on it like I did.
Be totally honest with yourself. You'll know whether it's working or not.
D
I don't know how anyone can be sure moderation will work for them. I just know I tried moderating myself for 20 years - not only could I not do it for any length of time, but I was miserable regardless of whether it 'worked' or not.
Abstinence, and recovery along with it, on the other hand has given me the chance to be the guy I always wanted to be - I'm happy for the first time in my adult life - and that's worth giving up an inert liquid for.
If you want to try, then you'll try - and I wish you the best. Just don't waste 20 years on it like I did.
Be totally honest with yourself. You'll know whether it's working or not.
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 59
If you wonder/ask yourself if it would ever be possible to just "moderately drink," then I think that's a sign that you are an alcoholic, or that at least you do indeed have a problem. We, on this site, don't support thinking of ways to just cut down. It's a recovery site. So we're all totally sober or are trying to become totally sober.
To me, it just sounds like you're afraid to admit that you have a problem.
Just my 2 cents.
Hope you find the answers you need here. It's a very very helpful site!
To me, it just sounds like you're afraid to admit that you have a problem.
Just my 2 cents.
Hope you find the answers you need here. It's a very very helpful site!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 104
Here's how I work it out... the guidelines say that it is unhealthy to drink more than 2 a day if you're a man, 1 a day if you're a woman. If you can stick to the guidelines, you don't have a prob.
I can't stick to the guidelines.
I can't stick to the guidelines.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
I am not in "the AA system", but I did find it impossible for me to moderate. I would be good on occassion, but I could never understand why I would really want to moderate because I only really enjoyed getting drunk. I too could start around 2PM and drink about 20 drinks, that was the norm, except I hated hangovers so I started hitting it the next AM.
Only you can say whether you are an alcoholic, but by what you wrote, and the fact that you are on this forum asking I would bet you already know.
I found after I got through the initial stages of sobriety I really enjoyed it alot more than being drunk all of the time. I had 27 years of drinking, and this last year by taking an active role in my recovery program I will say I am much happier than I have been in years. If you are looking to moderate this forum probably won't be to your liking.
Only you can say whether you are an alcoholic, but by what you wrote, and the fact that you are on this forum asking I would bet you already know.
I found after I got through the initial stages of sobriety I really enjoyed it alot more than being drunk all of the time. I had 27 years of drinking, and this last year by taking an active role in my recovery program I will say I am much happier than I have been in years. If you are looking to moderate this forum probably won't be to your liking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: adelaide
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by HootyHoo 
If you wonder/ask yourself if it would ever be possible to just "moderately drink," then I think that's a sign that you are an alcoholic, or that at least you do indeed have a problem. We, on this site, don't support thinking of ways to just cut down. It's a recovery site. So we're all totally sober or are trying to become totally sober.
To me, it just sounds like you're afraid to admit that you have a problem.
Just my 2 cents.
Hope you find the answers you need here. It's a very very helpful site!
To me, it just sounds like you're afraid to admit that you have a problem.
Just my 2 cents.
Hope you find the answers you need here. It's a very very helpful site!
It wasn't entirely clear that this site does not really support reduction, but it seemed likely. I thought I'd ask. I so far have not found support groups for people looking to cut down / work through their relationship with alcohol without full sobriety. This forum stood as out as being very active.
I don't rule out the possibility that total sobriety might be necessary.
But I take the point that it might not be cool to post here before I have made that decision.
And I also take the point about not wasting twenty years working it out.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
Often I'd rather stay sober than have one or two, and I end up wishing I had. You said this...then you said "I'd rather cut down than stop, because I do like drinking, socially, when it is right.
Confusing huh. The way you know if moderation will work is you have two drinks and stop. Not PLAN on having two drinks..then find yourself in Deadwood with people you don't even know wondering how you got there. Point is..it is a tricky experiment. I tried it for years and it finally dawned on me that I have absolutely no control once I have that first drink. And it isn't hard reading about people that talk about having drinks a couple of times a week. I know I can't drink it is no longer a struggle. I think you should try cutting back and see how it works. It sounds like you have tried..but want to try again. The questioning stage cycle is a boogar. I found myself at peace by just tossing in the towel admitting I can't drink ..
Confusing huh. The way you know if moderation will work is you have two drinks and stop. Not PLAN on having two drinks..then find yourself in Deadwood with people you don't even know wondering how you got there. Point is..it is a tricky experiment. I tried it for years and it finally dawned on me that I have absolutely no control once I have that first drink. And it isn't hard reading about people that talk about having drinks a couple of times a week. I know I can't drink it is no longer a struggle. I think you should try cutting back and see how it works. It sounds like you have tried..but want to try again. The questioning stage cycle is a boogar. I found myself at peace by just tossing in the towel admitting I can't drink ..
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 694
Hi Stepo, have you seen this site? Moderation Management
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Vancouver BC
Posts: 64
Hmm well maybe buy this book and have a read
http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Weeks-So.../dp/0449002594
Its cheaper than probably the next time you have more than a few and its just one of the books that opened my analytical mind to my problems.
Also grab a free copy of the AA Big Book, its pretty eye opening too
You probably have a problem with alcohol if your here , but you may or may not be alcoholic. Only you , being totally truthful , and looking at how it affects you will let you know.
I kidded myself on some of the standard tests out there for a long time...who me , no not me...but reality and truth had to win or the bottle will...and now I know where I am
Moderation for me is impossible , but thats me
I thought I even had step 1 of AA etched in my head but I didn't , still have to work it...
http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Weeks-So.../dp/0449002594
Its cheaper than probably the next time you have more than a few and its just one of the books that opened my analytical mind to my problems.
Also grab a free copy of the AA Big Book, its pretty eye opening too
You probably have a problem with alcohol if your here , but you may or may not be alcoholic. Only you , being totally truthful , and looking at how it affects you will let you know.
I kidded myself on some of the standard tests out there for a long time...who me , no not me...but reality and truth had to win or the bottle will...and now I know where I am
Moderation for me is impossible , but thats me
I thought I even had step 1 of AA etched in my head but I didn't , still have to work it...
Last edited by Dee74; 04-07-2011 at 09:36 PM. Reason: edited link
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Sober Recovery's mission statement is pretty simple steepo
We get a lot of people here who are still drinking and still unsure about what they want to do about it.
I myself didn't really know what I was going to do when I came here - I'm glad I found this place tho.
You're very welcome.
Most of us here have recovered through abstinence tho, that's true
D
Soberrecovery is a forum for those recovering from alcohol and substance abuse addictions and help for family and friends whos lives have been affected by someone else's addiction.
I myself didn't really know what I was going to do when I came here - I'm glad I found this place tho.
You're very welcome.
Most of us here have recovered through abstinence tho, that's true
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Vancouver BC
Posts: 64
Well for moderation , which failed for me , I tried HAMS
HAMS--Alcohol Harm Reduction Support
It has info but the chat was a handful of people at best when I was trying their ideas. It did not work for me but does not mean it might not work for you.
HAMS--Alcohol Harm Reduction Support
It has info but the chat was a handful of people at best when I was trying their ideas. It did not work for me but does not mean it might not work for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
I don't mind if you want to drink...I mind if I want to drink. I am relatively new here & this a supportive recovery site but I would think if you can find a thread or threads that help you -than so be it. I personally don't have a problem listening about moderation. And personally speaking I think only alcoholics try to moderate drinking -normal people don't. So it is basically a step for you leading up to your recovery decision.
My suggestion, as has been advised here before, is to stop drinking for a month or just have a couple when you feel like it. Just see how that works fer ya.
Again, personally speaking...one sip for me leads to a bottle. I can not moderate. I end up right back to where I was or worse. Some people have to hit that point in their lives where they have come to realize they are powerless, where it has affected their quality of life to the point where they are destined to quit....DUI, Job loss, etc.
I realize now that I'm sober that every time I said I was quitting and that was it -it wasn't really quitting, I was merely stopping for awhile and would end up right back to where I was. This time I quit. 70 days now. But I couldn't have done it alone and entered a 6 wk rehab program and am going to AA and am glued to this site. Some can go it alone. I need that spiritual and emotional feed from others.
So it will be up to you -you have to make the ultimate decision if you are powerless over alcohol or you can get away with having a few and moderating your drinking. I'd be curious to hear how you are doing in 6 months. Good Luck.
My suggestion, as has been advised here before, is to stop drinking for a month or just have a couple when you feel like it. Just see how that works fer ya.
Again, personally speaking...one sip for me leads to a bottle. I can not moderate. I end up right back to where I was or worse. Some people have to hit that point in their lives where they have come to realize they are powerless, where it has affected their quality of life to the point where they are destined to quit....DUI, Job loss, etc.
I realize now that I'm sober that every time I said I was quitting and that was it -it wasn't really quitting, I was merely stopping for awhile and would end up right back to where I was. This time I quit. 70 days now. But I couldn't have done it alone and entered a 6 wk rehab program and am going to AA and am glued to this site. Some can go it alone. I need that spiritual and emotional feed from others.
So it will be up to you -you have to make the ultimate decision if you are powerless over alcohol or you can get away with having a few and moderating your drinking. I'd be curious to hear how you are doing in 6 months. Good Luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: adelaide
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by MsCooterBrown
Often I'd rather stay sober than have one or two, and I end up wishing I had. You said this...then you said "I'd rather cut down than stop, because I do like drinking, socially, when it is right.
Confusing huh. The way you know if moderation will work is you have two drinks and stop. Not PLAN on having two drinks..then find yourself in Deadwood with people you don't even know wondering how you got there. Point is..it is a tricky experiment. I tried it for years and it finally dawned on me that I have absolutely no control once I have that first drink. And it isn't hard reading about people that talk about having drinks a couple of times a week. I know I can't drink it is no longer a struggle. I think you should try cutting back and see how it works. It sounds like you have tried..but want to try again. The questioning stage cycle is a boogar. I found myself at peace by just tossing in the towel admitting I can't drink ..
Confusing huh. The way you know if moderation will work is you have two drinks and stop. Not PLAN on having two drinks..then find yourself in Deadwood with people you don't even know wondering how you got there. Point is..it is a tricky experiment. I tried it for years and it finally dawned on me that I have absolutely no control once I have that first drink. And it isn't hard reading about people that talk about having drinks a couple of times a week. I know I can't drink it is no longer a struggle. I think you should try cutting back and see how it works. It sounds like you have tried..but want to try again. The questioning stage cycle is a boogar. I found myself at peace by just tossing in the towel admitting I can't drink ..
I have tried 'cutting back' which means that on most nights I drink nothing, and then on the weekend I go out and have 7. I know that is unhealthy binge drinking but to be perfectly honest, that is what I want.
The problem is that it starts to creep in to mid-week behavior, and the number grows, and I start earlier in the day. This ends up meaning I am getting drunk 4 times a week.
In terms of having 1-2 in the evening over dinner 4 nights a week, I already know I can't do that. I don't even want to do that.
This conversation is really helping me actually.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
I truly wish you luck! I really tried to moderate for the last 3-4 years of my drinking. I used an herb called Kudzu, I bought books, I reasearched online, I changed what I drank, I mixed in a glass of water every other drink, but for some reason I kept finding a way to get drunk. In hindsite I realized that the way my body processes alcohol I would only be happy being drunk.
When that realization hit me I made the conscious decision to stay drunk all of the time, which backfired because then I became not only mentally dependant on alcohol I also became physically dependant on it as well. After almost 3 years of straight drinking, drinking became a bigger job try to stay drunk and hide the bottles and buy the booze daily. Then came the health issues. You get the picture. Moderation basically helped to keep me drunk all the time.
Good luck again, hopefully you are more successful than I was.
In hindsite I realized that the way my body processes alcohol I would only be happy being drunk.When that realization hit me I made the conscious decision to stay drunk all of the time, which backfired because then I became not only mentally dependant on alcohol I also became physically dependant on it as well. After almost 3 years of straight drinking, drinking became a bigger job try to stay drunk and hide the bottles and buy the booze daily. Then came the health issues. You get the picture. Moderation basically helped to keep me drunk all the time.
Good luck again, hopefully you are more successful than I was.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome steepo - I commend you for coming here and asking questions... and there really is a lot of information and support, even if you decide to try moderating.
I was never the "wine with dinner" kind of person either, although the idea has always sounded nice!
Hope you find what you're looking for!
I was never the "wine with dinner" kind of person either, although the idea has always sounded nice!
Hope you find what you're looking for!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
As you said your parents have been sucessful .they could
be your mentors....
I have no experience to share about part time drinking
I'm an AA recovered alcoholic....
hope you have a joy filled future..
be your mentors....
I have no experience to share about part time drinking
I'm an AA recovered alcoholic....
hope you have a joy filled future..
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hey steepo...please don't be a stranger...if moderation works for you I wish you all the best....I personally never saw the point of it and when I got sober I asked myself "is your life better without alcohol?" The answer was yes! The question "are youj an alcohoolic?" Was problematic for me so I don't bother with it
There is a gal who wrote a. Book "my way" I think it was called....about moderating...I think there is a forum around her program.
Good luck!
There is a gal who wrote a. Book "my way" I think it was called....about moderating...I think there is a forum around her program.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 438
I know I have been in the same place wondering if I could 'moderate'. I am not sure of the answer for myself either. I have felt that I've spent way too much time over the last year or so drinking and all the drinks during the week and the binge drinking on the weekends was causing a lot of problems for me. I have gone to 7 AA meeting over the last 3 day. I have been sober for only 3 days. I actually feel totally fine so far and have not been able to say "hi I'm ______, I'm an alcoholic. Yes, I think I have a drinking problem. Do I want to give up the idea of drinking forever? I don't know. I do think that as some people mentioned, try staying sober for a month and see how it goes. I am going to try to get as many days as I can. I want to see if I can do it & to test myself to see if alcohol is really that important to me.
I think its good you are questioning it, that means we are aware of ourselves to a point. Sometimes we get carried away and need to check ourselves. I wish you all the best of luck!
And personally, I think its fine that you posting here. I did a few days ago when I was questioning all my drinking too.
I think its good you are questioning it, that means we are aware of ourselves to a point. Sometimes we get carried away and need to check ourselves. I wish you all the best of luck!
And personally, I think its fine that you posting here. I did a few days ago when I was questioning all my drinking too.
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