jstar

Thank you to the one who posted the Moderation Management site, I never heard of that before. I'm not jumping off the wagon or anything but it's kinda funny...I took a bunch of online Alcohol screening quizes before taking myself to an AA meeting this week and every test was telling me that I may have a drinking problem....the test on the MM site, I was in the low dependency results having barely scored anything on the quiz....go figure...

Dee74

There was always a test that gave me the result I desired - or a friend who told me what I wanted to hear - or someone I could point to as being 'worse' than me....

I did a lot of running before I accepted what I was

D

least

I tried to drink 'sensibly' and never could. If you're not sure, try moderating and see how that goes.

Welcome to SR. This is not an AA site but is a recovery site so not many of us would be trying moderation. But if it works for you, I'm happy for you.

Zini

Hi steepo, and welcome.
I felt compelled to write because so many of the things you said rang true with me.
I, too, was able to squarely call myself a problem drinker.
I, too, had a job/schedule that allowed me to drink freely without too many problems.
I, too, loved to drink, and pretty much thoroughly enjoyed all the hours before blackout/greyout.
And I, too, had a great relationship with family and friends, who would sometimes complain about how I became a jerk or a different person when I drank, but who loved me enough to forgive me for it, and not label me as anything other than an occasionally annoying drunk.
I did, at one point have a partner I cheated on when drunk, but I rationalized this by saying that the alcohol had allowed me to force my own hand so that I could see what I wasn't really able to admit: that I wasn't happy in the relationship. In vino veritas, no?
I started seeing a rehab counselor last year, at the behest of one friend who had become concerned after seeing my shakes in the morning.
I saw the counselor, twice a week. I admitted, week after week that I had some sort of problem with alcohol. I was certainly not in denial, in any way shape or form, and this gave me comfort. It also allowed me to keep drinking. And so I would set a small goal - no drinks over the weekend, and then sheepishly come in the next Tuesday and admit that I had drank, yes, but that I hadn't blacked out, and that was a good thing, and showed I was regaining control. Or I would proudly report how I had stuck only to beer for the evening, and that even though I had had ten, or twelve, or fifteen, I had resolutely refused to do any shots. So it went, for almost a year. There were a couple of harrowing incidents, close calls in terms of accidents or being in dangerous situations, but once the shame of the hangover had passed, I would remind myself that I was doing better than I was doing worse, and at least I could admit that I have a problem.
Then I left my hometown, and moved somewhere new for a while, and while I really missed my counseling sessions, there was also a great freedom in being in a place where no one eyeballed my drinking or asked me if I was "doing better". I vowed to maintain moderation, and for a while I did. I really did. I never bought alcohol, never kept it at home, and only drank socially. I didn't drink every day (at least in the beginning). And I didn't drink until after the sun went down. I would get trashed, but, (in the beginning) always leave while I could still remember. In fact, it became a sort of game I played with myself. I would stumble into the toilet and sit down and ask myself: do you remember this? Will you remember this tomorrow? And I used the question as a sort of anchor the next day, to get me through the hangover, to show myself that I was still in control.

The problem was, I liked myself when I was drunk. At least everything I could remember. Sure, I was occasionally rude or obnoxious or pushy or argumentative. But I was also funny, witty, happy to dance and chat with anyone. I made people laugh. I told stories and clowned around. And no one saw a real problem with my drinking.
They also didn't see the time I fell on the way home and split my lip open.
They didn't see the deep cut I made in my finger when I tried to cook once, drunk.
They didn't see me keep the stove on all night and wake up to a smell of charred food the next day.
And they didn't see my shakes in the morning and they didn't see me huddled on my couch the next day, paranoid and terrified.
The thing is, there were ups and downs. The ups were when I was drinking. And the downs were when I was not.
And that, really, became the issue. Why was "fun" so intertwined in my head with drinking? Why did I have to fight myself to not have that last shot? Why did I obsessively monitor everyone else's glasses so I could have one more without losing too much face? And why did I feel so ANGRY when the alcohol ran out?
I don't have any giant tragedies to ascribe to alcohol - losing house, job, car, family, friends. But I do have a list of things that I wish didn't happen. A whole bunch of close calls. A litany of personal shames and humiliations.
I agree with LaFemme that the label is not so much the issue as much as the behavior. And my behavior suddenly became unacceptable to me.

I have finally reached the point where I am ready to stop. I accepted I had a problem. And that turned out to be the key: because while I could ADMIT it no end, I could not truly ACCEPT that I was powerless over the drink.

This is only my story, and I can only speak from personal experience. I would never dream of judging you or telling you what to do. Moderation may well work for you; it just didn't for me. But the fact that it was such a goal of mine, that I was SO insistent on trying to keep alcohol in my life, in any small capacity, was also a symptom of my problem. Then again, I took the Moderation quiz you mentioned and scored 32, putting me comfortably in the high dependence range.

I wish you the best of luck. This is your journey and you are the only judge of how to navigate it. I just wanted to share my story in the hopes that it might help in any way.
Sorry this is so long, but as I said, something about your post really spoke to me.

Hugs,
Z.

SSIL75

I could sometimes moderate and my father, while still drinking an unhealthy amount has 'gotten a handle on' his drinking.

But he's obsessed. And I was obsessed when I was trying to moderate. It's no life, really to be THAT focused on a drink.