Angry at unsupportive wife and feeling more alone than I have ever felt inn my life
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Been absent but here now
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Angry at unsupportive wife and feeling more alone than I have ever felt inn my life
Firstly - I am 4 days sober. Over the last four years, my wife has been periodically upset with me about how much I drink. 10 days ago, she gave me an ultimatum of stop drinking or I am leaving -- I was MAAAD, I have supported her in so many ways over the years and supported her thru depression, supported her as our daughter was diagnosed with a rare incurable disease, moved so she could be closer to her parents and I have always been there to give her whatever she needs. I denied my problem and told her she could leave if she was unhappy, but I was tired of her ultimatums. IDIOT, right? Took me about 6 days to realize I did in fact have a problem and was putting my family at risk. So I Stopped drinking on Thursday, she left to go on vacation for the weekend so I spent 3 days taking care of kids and by myself SOBER-while my wife was still saying she was leaving me. I am now sitting on the couch beside my wife and she could not be more distant, she is mad at me for my 10 day ago idiocy and 4 years of drinikng too much. She has given me all of teh reasons why she hated my drinking and she is angry for me about that, but can't she let it go to help me -- I have noone to talk to, I am attacking this beast the best I know how, I am trying to get an appointment with a counselour, I am trying to keep my work going, I am trying to keep my wife from leaving me. I am serious about stopping drinking, but she doesn't believe me so still wants to get seperated. I am just looking for support from other folks out there and can someone explain why my wife is so hateful? This is the first time I have ever admitted I have a problem and I am ready to stop for good, I NEED SUPPORT, I am going crazy trying to deal with sobriety and trying to keep my wife at same time...
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,892
Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here, but you will also find honesty. You may not always like what you hear, but you can be sure it comes from a place of heart-felt honesty.
It's good that you realize you have a problem with alcohol and are willing to get help. Just stopping drinking isn't enough. You should be working a recovery program that will address other issues besides just the drinking. AA is a good place to start, but there are other programs such as Smart Recovery, LifeRing, Rational Recovery, etc.
I would suggest that you give your wife some time. Four days of not drinking does not make up for 4 years of drunkenness. As a recovering alcoholic, I have learned just how much damage I did to my family and it takes time to make up for some of that. There is really nothing you can say to her to make her believe that you are serious this time. She's probably heard the words before. Actions are what counts. If you are truly serious about quitting, you are going to have to prove that with your actions, and it is going to take longer than a few days or even a few weeks.
It's good that you realize you have a problem with alcohol and are willing to get help. Just stopping drinking isn't enough. You should be working a recovery program that will address other issues besides just the drinking. AA is a good place to start, but there are other programs such as Smart Recovery, LifeRing, Rational Recovery, etc.
I would suggest that you give your wife some time. Four days of not drinking does not make up for 4 years of drunkenness. As a recovering alcoholic, I have learned just how much damage I did to my family and it takes time to make up for some of that. There is really nothing you can say to her to make her believe that you are serious this time. She's probably heard the words before. Actions are what counts. If you are truly serious about quitting, you are going to have to prove that with your actions, and it is going to take longer than a few days or even a few weeks.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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My family was hateful towards me because I hurt them a lot during three years of drinking. They had every right to be hateful towards me. I had no right to expect them to forgive and forget in the first 4 days of my sobriety.
I know it's hard, but you need to focus on yourself and your recovery. Your marriage may work out or it may not. In my opinion, this is something you can't control. And, that's a huge part of recovery - knowing what you can control (your reactions) and what you can't control (everything else). Show your wife with your actions that you are changing. That's what you can do.
I know it's hard, but you need to focus on yourself and your recovery. Your marriage may work out or it may not. In my opinion, this is something you can't control. And, that's a huge part of recovery - knowing what you can control (your reactions) and what you can't control (everything else). Show your wife with your actions that you are changing. That's what you can do.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,414
Hi LifeisLong
I agree with Anna and Suki.
I did a lot of damage to my relationships and the people I loved over 20 years of drinking. Thats the bottom line, no matter how good I was at other times.
One of the things I had to learn is I don't get to tell other people how to feel. I don't get to set the timetable for forgiving me, for trusting me again, or for putting the past behind us.
The best thing I could do was to focus on my recovery and really work hard to change my life and my self.
I had to let go of all my expectations about other people - my focus had to be on changing myself.
Do it for you...hopefully other people will see the changes and they will come to trust you again and start to put the past behind you both - but don't make that the reason for doing this.
Be the man you know you can be - and I hope everything else will work out how you want it to
D
I agree with Anna and Suki.
I did a lot of damage to my relationships and the people I loved over 20 years of drinking. Thats the bottom line, no matter how good I was at other times.
One of the things I had to learn is I don't get to tell other people how to feel. I don't get to set the timetable for forgiving me, for trusting me again, or for putting the past behind us.
The best thing I could do was to focus on my recovery and really work hard to change my life and my self.
I had to let go of all my expectations about other people - my focus had to be on changing myself.
Do it for you...hopefully other people will see the changes and they will come to trust you again and start to put the past behind you both - but don't make that the reason for doing this.
Be the man you know you can be - and I hope everything else will work out how you want it to
D
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by Lifeislong 
I am going crazy trying to deal with sobriety and trying to keep my wife at same time...
You don't have to do it alone... Welcome to SR.
Mark
P.S. Have you considered AA?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hi life and welcome to SR!
I am sorry for your daughters illness...that must have been tough on you. And you Have done a lot...and you do need support, but in this case you can't hope for support from your wife...she doesn't understand what its like....we do.
Congrats on 4 days...that's awesome!
I am sorry for your daughters illness...that must have been tough on you. And you Have done a lot...and you do need support, but in this case you can't hope for support from your wife...she doesn't understand what its like....we do.
Congrats on 4 days...that's awesome!
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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I used to just cry at movies, I swear I was a rock in real life(hiding behind that click in my head I would get from drinking). I have cried heavily in reading all of your posts, it actually feels really good not to be so numb. THANK YOU! My wife just went to bed, but told me she was willing to fight for our family so that makes it a heck of a lot easier to concentrate on myself AND I got an email back from a counselor to go in Friday night. I have a sales event to attend all this week(terrible timing as it is usually a drinkfest in evenings), but I am confident in myself that I can do this. I will eat my dinner, drink my water and GET OUT. There is WAY WAY too much on the line and I have realized this and MUST succeed! For the love of God people, I have known for almost a year now that my sick daughter would need my my kidney some day and I have continued to beat the crap out of my body(typing this just made me bawl...)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Welcome Life.
I'm separated...and looking back probably mostly due to my drinking and lack of feelings and emotions. There were other problems, too. It takes two to tango.
But only you can work on you. Once she sees your work and comes to realize you are serious...her attitude will change.
My daughter is the only one that really lives with me now, when she's not 'living' at her boyfriends. Two boys in the Army and one in your fine state. Luckily, only she is the one that can remark about alcohol and about the parent I am. Still after 60+ days I've heard remarks... It hurts so I know the shame you feel for this situation.
I'm separated...and looking back probably mostly due to my drinking and lack of feelings and emotions. There were other problems, too. It takes two to tango.
But only you can work on you. Once she sees your work and comes to realize you are serious...her attitude will change.
My daughter is the only one that really lives with me now, when she's not 'living' at her boyfriends. Two boys in the Army and one in your fine state. Luckily, only she is the one that can remark about alcohol and about the parent I am. Still after 60+ days I've heard remarks... It hurts so I know the shame you feel for this situation.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Life...I grew up within a family affected by a sibling with an incurable disease (cured 2 years now). No one told us counseling was a good idea so the whole family got f@$%d up in some way or another. I wish I had had therapy at 13 to deal with it...it could have saved me a lot of grief.
My point is...dealing with your daughters illness is hard for everyone ...I hope you all are getting some help.
Hugs. LaFemme
). No one told us counseling was a good idea so the whole family got f@$%d up in some way or another. I wish I had had therapy at 13 to deal with it...it could have saved me a lot of grief.My point is...dealing with your daughters illness is hard for everyone ...I hope you all are getting some help.
Hugs. LaFemme
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome, Life - we hold a lot in while we're drinking and I don't even think we realize it...... Alcohol itself causes anxiety and depression, so it already messes with our emotions, and then the early days of recovery can feel like we've stepped into a strange land.... It wouldn't be normal if you had no feelings.
Give yourself time (and your wife time too). It's a process not an "event" if you know what I mean.
Take it one day at a time and keep posting/reading - none of us can do this alone.....:ghug3
Give yourself time (and your wife time too). It's a process not an "event" if you know what I mean.
Take it one day at a time and keep posting/reading - none of us can do this alone.....:ghug3
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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Posts: 12
My point is...dealing with your daughters illness is hard for everyone ...I hope you all are getting some help.
My wife has gone to counseling, I have not (since I was self medictaing)but will defintely be a subject on Friday during counseling!
My wife has gone to counseling, I have not (since I was self medictaing)but will defintely be a subject on Friday during counseling!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Hi, Lifeislong, welcome to SR. You and your family have been through so much; prayers and best wishes for you all.
I think you've gotten some great advice; I'd just emphasize the need to cut both yourself and your wife some slack. I don't think anyone gets here overnight, or bounces right back overnight either. You can't control her emotions, of course, only your own. When I'm angry or even annoyed, my resolve can weaken. When I focus on the things I can be grateful for—like this chance to finally get off the drinking treadmill—I'm a lot less likely to even think about drinking.
I found a ton of support here when I finally decided to quit. I'm so grateful I did. I hated and feared the idea for a long time, now I only wish I had stopped sooner. It's not easy, but I think you'll be glad too.
I think you've gotten some great advice; I'd just emphasize the need to cut both yourself and your wife some slack. I don't think anyone gets here overnight, or bounces right back overnight either. You can't control her emotions, of course, only your own. When I'm angry or even annoyed, my resolve can weaken. When I focus on the things I can be grateful for—like this chance to finally get off the drinking treadmill—I'm a lot less likely to even think about drinking.
I found a ton of support here when I finally decided to quit. I'm so grateful I did. I hated and feared the idea for a long time, now I only wish I had stopped sooner.
It's not easy, but I think you'll be glad too.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
I have been in your situation Life. I was given years of ultimatums, and I never thought she would leave. We had been through 21 years together of ups and downs, happiness and crisis. We weathered it, but looking back I was causing a terrible strain on the relationship with my drinking. I got the last ultimatum and along with some health issues I was having I decided to quit.
I wanted her to feel like I did, excited and happy I was finally making the decision, but she didn't and how could I expect her to, I promised to quit hundreds of times over the last 21 years. I was like the boy who cried wolf...eventually no one believes you.
When I went through my last detox I honestly thought I was going to die, and she could tell I was hurting, but when I looked at her in the eyes I could tell that she didn't care. She knew I brought it on myself, and she had no empathy left for me when it came to drinking.
Once I finally got a few weeks of sobriety under my belt I was able to start discussing it with her. As I opened up about alcoholism and my issues and how I wanted to quit for ever she started to come around. Right now I am in the best most healthy relationship I have ever had...with that same wife.
You said you're in sales, so you know that many times you have to go back to that future customer again and again to gain their trust. You have to listen to their needs, and you have to stand behind your promises if you want that business, especially if you service or product has ever failed them.
Hang tough, don't press her too hard, and work on yourself. Then start communicating. I was able to eventually show my wife that the disease of alcoholism isn't always our choice, and when I pick up the first drink I can't control myself, (something that I did not really understand for a long time, and she is still coming to grips with it). By explaining my recovery and what I needed to do to her, and staying as non confrontational as possible I was able to make that sale, and my marriage is better now than it has ever been.
I recommend you do some reading, (don't post), over in the friends and family section of the forum, it might give you a better idea of what your wife feels like and what you have put her through.
Good luck!
I wanted her to feel like I did, excited and happy I was finally making the decision, but she didn't and how could I expect her to, I promised to quit hundreds of times over the last 21 years. I was like the boy who cried wolf...eventually no one believes you.
When I went through my last detox I honestly thought I was going to die, and she could tell I was hurting, but when I looked at her in the eyes I could tell that she didn't care. She knew I brought it on myself, and she had no empathy left for me when it came to drinking.
Once I finally got a few weeks of sobriety under my belt I was able to start discussing it with her. As I opened up about alcoholism and my issues and how I wanted to quit for ever she started to come around. Right now I am in the best most healthy relationship I have ever had...with that same wife.
You said you're in sales, so you know that many times you have to go back to that future customer again and again to gain their trust. You have to listen to their needs, and you have to stand behind your promises if you want that business, especially if you service or product has ever failed them.
Hang tough, don't press her too hard, and work on yourself. Then start communicating. I was able to eventually show my wife that the disease of alcoholism isn't always our choice, and when I pick up the first drink I can't control myself, (something that I did not really understand for a long time, and she is still coming to grips with it). By explaining my recovery and what I needed to do to her, and staying as non confrontational as possible I was able to make that sale, and my marriage is better now than it has ever been.
I recommend you do some reading, (don't post), over in the friends and family section of the forum, it might give you a better idea of what your wife feels like and what you have put her through.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,919
Welcome!
Getting sober is one-day-at-a time process. Sometimes so is marriage.
Don't drink tomorrow and go to an AA meeting. If you do both of those things your wife will notice. She is not gonna run back and jump in your arms like nothing has happened, but if you stay sober and work the steps you've got a chance. The challenging part is developing patience, if you've been drinking heavily for 4 years it's going to take awhile.
Getting sober is one-day-at-a time process. Sometimes so is marriage.
Don't drink tomorrow and go to an AA meeting. If you do both of those things your wife will notice. She is not gonna run back and jump in your arms like nothing has happened, but if you stay sober and work the steps you've got a chance. The challenging part is developing patience, if you've been drinking heavily for 4 years it's going to take awhile.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Orlando,Fl
Posts: 74
HEY there brother. I am one day into my Oxy recovery, but I was a drunk from 18-30. I am 42 now. I woke up one day and said enough is enough. I have screwed everyone I love and I need to quit drinking. I haven't had a drink since that day July 5, 2000. Since then I have better friends a great wife, etc. When I was quiting, all I focused on is the people I hurt,etc. It will pass and in 10 years you will look back at it and laugh.Think off the good and screww the bad. God bless you and good luck.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Sounds like you have a plan! I also attended a bunch of counseling sessions when I got sober. My husband while supportive OF my recovery, couldn't be PART of it.. if that makes sense? It took me many years to cause the issues we had in regards to my drinking. It wasn't fair of me to expect him to do cartwheels about the fact that I hadn't drank in a day, a week, a month. He had one foot out the door the last time I drank.. and I had to let go of the outcome and address my drinking with all the energy I had, in hopes that he would see the actions I was making, and changes in my life and agree to stick around.
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