Trying to make today day 1 again
 

Started posting here a few weeks ago when I'd managed to get to 2 or 3 days sober with the help of AA.

On the 3rd day, after the AA meeting, I bought a bottle of wine on the way home. I have no idea why. After I had the first glass, I went and bought another one. Next morning, there was most of a bottle left so I drank it at around 9am.

From there, the last two weeks have been a constant bender. I've drunk when I got up every morning and then literally spent all day (using a rapidly declining overdraft) in the pub.

For some reason, yesterday, even though I drank all day, when I got home I didn't actually feel very drunk. I tried to ring AA but couldn't get through. I posted in the chat rooms on here a bit. I actually read my book for a bit in bed before going to sleep for the first time in two weeks (normally just sort of pass out).

The convulsions were still pretty bad this morning but not as bad as normal. They seem to have passed now and just have a little bit of a shake. Weirdly this is more like day 3 of the withdrawal last time. Strange.

Just managed to make myself clear up my living room for the first time in a fortnight. It was a horrible mess. But I sort of had an epiphany this morning that this disgusting environment was triggering drinking. Small step but a good one.

I do have a bottle of wine in the flat. I hope I can find the strength to tip it away. Can't quite manage that yet.

There is an AA meeting tonight at 8pm. If I can stay sober today, I should be okay to drive by then so will go.

Not feeling positive at the moment, just feeling desperate and out of choices.

But, sitting here sober at half past midday and drinking a pint of water at the moment which is a massive step forward for me. Huge number of other jobs to do around the flat to keep me occupied so fingers crossed.

Thanks for all the support on here and sorry if I was a bit snappy in the chat room last night.

Hi,

I hope that you get rid of the alcohol in your apartment. Trash it!

And, yeah, keeping busy during the day will help. I'm glad that you're back and trying again.

A week ago Saturday I woke up feeling like s***. I'd had enough. I was done for good. I had three leftover beers from the night before and I briefly considered pouring them out but decided to keep them in the fridge for guests. I registered with SR, read around, made a couple of posts, and around 6:00 that evening I poured those beers out... straight from the bottle to my belly. Then I went and bought another six pack and drank 'til I dropped.

Sure wish I'd poured them out when the thought occurred to me. Would have saved me one more day of misery.

I can completely identify with where you are right now. It's that line I've heard so many times-- "alcohol-- can't live with it, can't live without it." I want you to know how much I understand just how horribly brutal your situation is right now-- the mental gymnastics, the physical distress.

Throwing away the bottle of wine is a good step, but we all know you can go to a liquor store. Generally when we get to the point of having no defense against alcohol, we don't let a little thing like a trip to the store get in our way.

I would really encourage you to think about how you feel right now in the context of your first step. Let me tell you about my first step.

I had been in a cycle of getting a few months sober, then drinking (usually on business trips, or when I could "get away with it.") My wife went away for a weekend to visit her sick father, and I was left in charge of my daughters. I proceeded to drink both Friday night and Saturday night, and Sunday, took the girls to Toys R Us out of guilt. While in Toys R Us, I was thinking about what I'd do to get straightened out-- how I would reapply myself to sobriety and AA. It was a thought process I'd been through a thousand times-- trying to make myself feel better and create hope.

Problem was, I could not lie to myself that morning. For some reason, all I kept thinking was: this is not going to change. I will keep doing this over and over and over again. I believe I had a moment of clarity, and it was the most hopeless feeling I've ever had. I knew my life was going to unravel.

So, for the first time, I was unable to cleverly construct how my life was going to be different. I was slammed with the undeniable fact that it was going to be exactly the same.

I remember watching my daughters shop for dolls and almost having to grab the shelf for balance. I felt dizzy.

This was followed with a very clear thought: you are in serious trouble.

No amount of effort on my part was going to change this. There, in Toys R Us, I conceded to my innermost self that I was powerless over alcohol. And it terrified me.

And it made me understand what I'd heard a recent speaker in AA say:

"The first step is not that you just can't drink. It's that you can't help but drink."

It completely reoriented me. I knew that I needed to find something that would give me power, and my misgivings about religion and God and all that mumbo-jumbo suddenly got small. So I also had a very quick 2nd step experience, which was this:

I stopped wondering if there was anything greater than me, and began hoping there was.

I picked up the phone and called the guy from AA who I'd been avoiding. And we began the work.

I think getting rid of clutter in the house does help get rid of clutter on your mind. It all ties in. I also relate to what you are saying about drinking all day and not feeling drunk. Towards the end of my drinking marathon that happened to me..I somehow drank myself sober. Actually it just took copious amounts to reach my buzz point. And I was SICK all the time. I am just glad you are back. You tried to drink again..found out nothing changed ..glad you are back.

Thanks to everyone for their comments. I've just managed to sort out all my clothes in my bedroom (they've all been in a big pile on the floor since I moved in) and am still just drinking water. Even cleaned the toilet - man was that overdue :)

Agree with something said above re tipping - if I want a bottle of wine I can just go buy another. If I do crack later, I don't think this will be because I did or didn't have a bottle in the house - has never been before. So God forbid, but if I do crack I'm just wasting money by tipping. Doesn't work for me.

Bedtime sure feels a long way off though.

Can you get to an AA meeting today ...it might help
i hope you can pour the wine away

There is a meeting at 8pm but I went to this one before and it was heavily Christian in a way that made me a bit uncomfortable. Lords Prayer at the end, that kind of thing, so I'm a bit wary.

Not sure that AA is right for me to be honest. I'm waiting at the moment for my local addiction centre to put some help in place for me. Until that happens (hopefully in a few days) I'm not going to beat myself up if I fall off again.

Today's been a great day for sorting things out so far. Can't promise it will end well but I can't even manage one day at a time at the moment. I'm struggling with one hour at a time.

It's so hard when you've been drunk for two weeks to not think "One more day won't hurt", especially when you are waiting for some professional treatment to be put in place.

Just keep reminding myself of lying in bed having convulsions for three hours this morning. I know if I pick up, the same will happen tomorrow. Just have to keep reminding myself what that felt like and try to imagine what it would feel like to wake up tomorrow with nothing worse than the shakes. The convulsions are horrible.

Every single one of my AA meetings ends with the Lord's Prayer, but I've heard a handful of references to Christian dogma in the two and a half years I've been sober and going to meetings. People talk about "God" or their "Higher Power" but we have atheists, agnostics, Buddhists, Catholics, and Jews (and probably Muslims though I don't know any in AA, personally).

I'd make that meeting, if *I* wanted to stay sober.

Today is another day 1 for me as well. I was sober for 80days up until a couple weeks ago and have struggled to get back on track but am determined to. I made it 5 days till yesterday I let my "friend" talked me into drinking. Anywise I had 6 beers left over and just finished pouring them down my sink bc if I didn't I knew I would be too tempted to drink them. Hopefully you pour the wine out.

Congrats on getting back up and trying again. I too would trash the alcohol. I know for me that would be an easy excuse for me to drink again. I always seem to have the, "well, whats one more night gonna hurt. That bottles full and I feel like crap. Lets finish that today and then I'll quit tomorrow". Of course, then I would feel worse the next day and the cycle would just continue. Hold your head up.

I can't do this. Every time I sober up, the depression comes back like a tsunami. Just spent half an hour sitting on my living floor crying my eyes out. Just came out of the blue.

Made it to 5pm. Cleaned my flat. That's going to have to do for today. *glug*

Sorry guys.

All I know is when I finally had enough...It was ENOUGH. Everyone has their moment of clarity when it dawns on them that they are slowly killing themselves. I put in a good 30 years ..took me awhile to catch on but once I did catch on..I wondered what took me so long. I wish you well.

Wow, Frothy, you described my "ah-ha moment" exactly: SoberRightNow, it sounds like you are having some really serious detox symptoms. You said you were waiting for the treatment center to put something together for you, which is great, but do you have any idea how long will that take? I'm just worried that you really need to be getting medical help now.....

It's so hard, I know...... I'm just hoping and praying things don't get worse. I hate to see anyone have to go through what you're going through.:grouphug:

Welcome back SRN.

I remember not being able to make a day and thinking what the heck one more day won't hurt.

It did though....everytime. Not to be melodramatic, but my last 'one more day' nearly finished me off.

If you feel AA is not for you, ok...personally I'd be grabbing at whatever I could, but ok.
but...what are you going to do exactly?

The only way out of the cycle is to stop it...get some help, man.
here's some of the main recovery players

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

and...you know as well I do...convulsions are never good.

I really hope you'll consider medical attention too.
D

artsoul That description is basically what happens. Sadly, including loss of bowel control, ashamed though I am to admit that. Not had the blackouts or drooling though. Worringly, it happens every morning after drinking, not after a significant period of abstinence. No medical expert but fairly sure that can't be good :).

Did everything I could to reach out for medical help but casualty (ER) are really aggressive about it (wasting our time blah blah) and my doctor made me an appointment that I missed due to drinking so when you are actively alcoholic it is kind of hard to stay organised enough to take advantage of it.

Dee I should just do AA, I know, regardless of any daft reservations. Like you say, if you are drowning, you don't start criticising a piece of wood you grab. But getting to meetings again requires being sober long enough to actually make it there.

I need a more physical intervention but sadly it doesn't appear to be available. Probably due to funding cuts or something. Tough times for everyone I guess.

I've read on here about people in the US that get "forced" into a 6 month detox centre. Man, I'd give my right arm for that right now. Service just simply isn't available here.

I'm pretty sure I've heard of drunk people turning up to meetings SRN - unless you mean you're not capable of getting there...in which case maybe you could give the local organisation a call...they might send some guys around (in a good way) :)

D

Srn...please get to detox and into a program any way you can. I feel your pain and everyone else does too. Please, do whatever it takes...