EmeraldRose

Phew....I knew I wasn't a 'real' alcoholic since I don't know the correct terminology. LOL

jstar

I've gone to AA a few times...prob didn't try hard enough if I'm still in the same place as I was 6 months ago...I think I may have to try again, with more commitment. Obviously I have issues....

jstar

...alcohol has stolen my joy...I think that is why I'm here...this really sucks...crying now & can't stop...yes, totally sucks...

Dee74

It stole my joy too - I thought joylessness was something everyone had.

But I got my joy back - I'm an adult, I'm dealing with adult things - and sometimes not good things - but I feel that kiddish 12 yo sense of 'anything is possible' again.

You can get that back too jstar...I promise

D

GettingStronger2

AA will work for you, but you have to do more than just go to meetings. However, in the beginning, going to meetings is how you start. Remember, everyone in that room knows the problem. But they have found and are working on the solution. Listen to them. And what you say about not trying hard enough -- most of us in the rooms have been there. Your choice to work it or not, but "half measures availed us nothing."

LaFemme

Joy can be yours again. Its great that you are reaching out. Now do something about it AA helps many people so its a great place to start.

jch116

I feel like your story could be mine, jstar. Vodka was also my drink of choice, I thought no one could smell it, it mixed well with whatever I had around the house, and it seemed it could drink it just like koolaid in amazing amounts. Life is so much better without it. You are very lucky to have a family that loves you and will support you, and there is a lot of support and good advice here. Please check out the different recovery groups availabe. People do recover through many different paths. I think you have to be get sober first to realize what a wonderful life you can have. I was terrified of boring, empty days and nights too. But I have found lately that I am learning who I was before alcohol was my best friend and daily companion. And it is so much better. I sleep great now (after a short adjustment period), I can work out because I feel good and am not hung over every day, and I am just a much kinder and honest person when I am sober. It's not easy but it IS possible. Give yourself an opportunity to experience a life that you deserve.

RebelAngel

I can't add anything that hasn't been said already & better. I'm approaching my first month sober in over 20years. I totally relate to everything you've said, but it DOES get better, really, even after such a short time. Mornings are GREAT & I had completely forgotten the taste of self-esteem which I had so thoroughly drowned bottles of the cheapest-most-alcoholic-wine-available.

You, and your family deserve so much more. Please, do it NOW. Just today, don't drink.
Thinking of you

dmw101

Have you ever asked him to video tape you and play it for the sober version of yourself? I know that when I see or hear what I was like, and I'm sober, I realize just why everyone was "making such a big deal out of it"

Hollyanne

Every now and again, a thread gets started that turns to gold.
This is one. I am reading each post and the reality and seriousness and similarities are phenomenal. There are a lot of very wise people here. We are so lucky to have found SR. This thread is in itself all one might need to read to get started.

When we begin to rationalize our drinking, and spend time trying to defend it, we have a problem. We are overwhelmed and busy and there are not enough hours in the day. And the answer to this problem?
Why, tie one on and use up time getting drunk, sleeping it off, getting over the hangover, and trying to make up for lost time that we were complaining we didn't have enough of in the first place!
If that ain't insanity!!!

Thanks everyone. Am going to figure out how to keep this thread where I can go back and re-read it.

LexieCat

I'm surprised to hear you went to AA before--I was under the impression you were just hearing about this alleged "problem" for the first time. What was the impetus for you to go then?

GettingStronger is right--AA is way more than just sitting your butt in a chair for an hour. That doesn't get anyone recovered.

My GUESS is that the first time you went, you were comparing yourself to other people and figuring you weren't "that bad". Next time you go, forget about the details of the DUIs, hospitalizations, job loss, and REALLY LISTEN to what people say about what alcohol did for them--not to them, but FOR them. How it made parties seem more fun, how it seemed to be the only way to escape from their feelings or unpleasant circumstances, how it was their BEST FRIEND. Until, of course, it turned on them.

It is already turning on you.

Mark75

LOL, lexie... I remember my second day at treatment... They asked me where I was from... I wouldn't tell them... LOL... I didn't want anyone to know anything about me, where I was from, why I was there, what had happened previously...

They used to write on the big white board everyday, up the corner, with an asterisk and a circle around it... "Rigorous Honesty"... I didn't know much about honesty then, I had not been honest with anyone for a long long time... least of all, myself!

Honesty is a scary thing, jstar, right up there with accountability! But as you (hopefully) begin this journey, these things, honesty, accountability and.... TRUST (another really hard thing to learn, LOL)... these things will all come to you... For me, thankfully, they came relatively early... Always remember, here, as in AA, we are on the same side.

reggiewayne

Has your husband ever told you have any other problem that you don't agree with? If that answer is no, then my guess is he's right. Our spouses see us in different, more realistic, ways than we see ourselves.

Best of luck!

jstar

I went to AA because I had some really bad days & really bad hangovers & pretty much thought I was screwed up and needed something to fix myself. My therapist also suggested that she thought I had a problem so I thought I would check it out. I am pretty rational most of the time. So I went to about 5 different meetings over the course of a week or so. I felt so accepted, then that scared the crap out of me. I thought...all these people want to help me - WHY - i don't have a problem like they do. i thought i could handle this all by myself. So i tried cutting back which worked okay during the week for a little while. Then the weekend would come & 1 drink would lead to 2 and that would lead to 6 or 10. I could never seem to just have "a" drink it was always so many that i can't remember things from the night before. My friends all tease me that i'm not allowed to make their drinks anymore at parties because i make them so strong. I don't even taste the alcohol in it really anymore. Mind you I'm 5'1'', 118 lbs and can probably out-drink most people (including men) I know with a few exceptions.

maybe what got me thinking again is the drink in my coffee cup that i take to the kids' sports games over the weekend...or the vodka i pour into my redbull can - who would notice that?...or trying to sneak one in before any function that i don't have to drive to. maybe it was the fact that i stopped driving to my girls night altogether just so i wouldn't have to worry about driving home - i even take a taxi home if no one can drive me home. maybe i hate the fact that my husband has no interest in being around me because of my drinking....he is a good man.

jstar

i'm debating about going to an AA meeting tonight....or having a drink and going to a meeting tomorrow. Could i really give it all up right now? the thought of it makes me feel cheated...

WritingFromLife

you have nothing to lose, and possibly everything to gain by going to AA tonight. On the other hand, you may have much to lose if you prolong the drinking. Just a thought! Why not give it a try again? Hugs!

Mark75

You don't know it now, but it is the drinking, not the not drinking that will end up cheating you and those you love and that love you.

Glad you are here.

I hope you'll go to a meeting soon!

GettingStronger2

You can put it off until tomorrow. And tomorrow you can put it off again. And you can keep drinking hoping to get that last one in. And you can keep hoping that you will make it to that meeting you keep putting off. AA will be there, that is true. However, you never know that you will make it.

Put down the drink or the idea of one, and go to the meeting now.

Dee74

I had a lot of tomorrows jstar - I knew for sure - no doubt I had a problem - from 1992 or so....I finally quit in 2007.

Be smarter and braver than me.

D

LaFemme

Go today meeting...listen with an open mind...I'm not advoacting this but you can still drink after the meeting....just start trying to stop. How about just for one day?