Notices

new here...my husband has a problem with MY drinking

Old 04-03-2011, 11:21 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, sounds like the experiments didn't go so well. You were determined to find some booze somewhere, and you drank it even though you had committed to not drinking for a period of time. Sound a little obsessive to you?

Hey, I ALWAYS thought I "deserved" my drinks. I had all kinds of reasons why I deserved them. I had a good day, I had a bad day. I was bored, I was having fun. Ultimately, it was that I NEEDED TO DRINK.

Lots of people here quit drinking before they lost everything. I still had my job, my house, my car, never got a DUI. But my life was completely unmanageable on the inside. I was isolating myself because the drinking was the most important thing in my life.

Your own drinking behavior is hurting your marriage. I don't blame your husband for not wanting to be around your drinking. So far, the drinking seems more important to you than his feelings. Do you honestly think he is just picking on you for no reason? I'm sure he has been embarrassed and disgusted and worried for a long time--most people wait until it is getting pretty out of hand to say anything. Hardly any spouse suddenly starts talking about the alcohol problem because of one or two isolated incidents.

The question is, are you ready to give it up?
LexieCat is offline  
Old 04-03-2011, 12:26 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
 
ANEWAUGUST's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Hi...

I am an alcoholic, who is sober, one day at a time.

I could have written your post, except that vodka was never my drink of choice

It was hard for me to hear from my husband how he felt about my drinking. Alcohol was my best friend, my release valve, my safety net...my escape hatch..how could I survive without it.

As an active alcoholic, I wasn't the wife I wanted or needed to be. More importantly, I wasn't the mother my children needed me to be. Drinking to the point of passing out means I am not there for my children. Drinking to the point of passing out, means the next day I won't be fully present for them as I nurse my hangover. Hiding a bottle meant I was hiding from my problem.

No one can say if you are or are not an alcoholic. However, people with a normal relationship with alcohol don't drink to pass out, bring their own bottle, hide bottles or prime themselves before parties. How do I know this? Because I did all of the above, and I am an alcoholic.

The last time my husband confronted me, I knew he had it. He was tired of living with an active alcoholic.

I had a choice to make, keep drinking..or lose my husband, children, and most importantly, my soul.

Drinking was my choice..it wasn't my husbands, or childrens.

You have a choice...it is up to you.
ANEWAUGUST is offline  
Old 04-03-2011, 12:45 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
New to Real Life
 
SSIL75's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
I have been sober for 7 months.

I vividly remember thinking I'd much rather struggle to keep a handle on 'moderating' my drinking than quit completely. How boring life would be without alcohol. How lame non-drinkers are.

I was just driving today with my kids and started crying as I wrote a card in my head to my husband who is out of town at the moment. I want to give him one in August when I'll celebrate a full year of choosing to live in real life. Tears streaming down my face trying to figure out how I was going to express my gratitude to him for putting up with all the shitt that your husband is dealing with now. Being the solo parent. Being the 'boring' one. Worrying about you.

And our children! Oh, our children and what a crappy life it is for them to see you us of control. Remember that when you were small? How it made a pit in your stomach when you realized the adult wasn't in control?

That alcohol-free living is boring is an alcoholic thought. It's just untrue. But you'll stay drunk as long as you believe it.

I credit my sobriety in part to Rational Recovery methods (AVRT, you can google). Hope you stick around.
SSIL75 is offline  
Old 04-03-2011, 12:53 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
 
1_day@_a_time's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 1,539
Originally Posted by jstar View Post
.........having to carry me to bed after picking me up off the bathroom floor............

i just can't comprehend the thought of never being able to drink again - ever - for the rest of my life...
Neither could I.

The fact is, today I have a life beyond my wildest dreams.......

It includes plenty of challenges life brings.

But I embrace 'em all.........sober. In recovery. And I am not unhappy about it.

Today, I get to do things I never imagined......
1_day@_a_time is offline  
Old 04-03-2011, 12:54 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
 
yoli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: San Francisco, California
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by WritingFromLife View Post
Jstar, I could've written you words, tweaking a couple of irrelevant details (I am a few years older and have three kids).

I drank with my girlfriends (who are all "polished" with successful careers) at home or out at lunch on a sunny patio (which turned into drinking through the evening) several times a month and thought I was the life of the party (I WAS to my drinking girlfriends!) i also drank at home during the week to "get out of my head" (it was JUST WINE, right? Ha.) One day, my husband said the same thing yours did. He has a highly tolerant/patient personality and is not a tee totaler--so this threw me for a loop; if HE'S saying that, I'm not just fooling MYSELF. I already knew my mind worked better on a daily basis without alcohol. It took away my "edge"-my drive. It kept me complacent and comfortable, and stole my contentment. It took me while, but I finally had enough of the low energy, wondering what I said the night before, and lost days. This is a long way around the bush to say...maybe give sobriety a shot? What do you have lose? I am two weeks shy of being sober a year, I found the me I gave up years ago. I wouldn't trade it for the world. It's worth it, and so are you....
Holy Cow!!! Jstar and your story is almost exactly like my story. Great tolerant and patient husband who can drink but prefers not to. The thing is when he drinks, he never ends up like me- a mess. We talked about controlling alcohol on numerous occasions to have me mess up again. The last time, he and my kids saw me unable to walk. He thought he should go to therapy to deal with me. He said he was in deep despair and didn't know what he had done in life to deserve this. He said he cursed the alcohol aisle in the store when he went by it and thinks prohibition was a good idea. (Off topic- prohibition was created due to people out of control with alcohol) It wasn't him at all. It was me. That was the last straw. That was my bottom.

Jstar, when I first got to SR I really didn't want to face the rest of my life without wine- at least at a party, my birthday, New Year's Eve. But after reading everyone's posts we are not physiologically programmed to drink in moderation. It's nature, it's the way we were created. Everyone here has failed numerous times to moderate. I am not different. I am at peace quitting alcohol because I want to now.

In the past 2 wks I and my husband have noticed physical improvements in me- losing weight, no bloating, BP now normal again, etc.

You will learn a lot from the SR posts and everyones' stories. There's lots of good information and support. I couldn't have done it without SR.

Best wishes to you and your family!!!!!
yoli is offline  
Old 04-03-2011, 01:06 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
 
EmeraldRose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Welcome Jstar....after you start thinking about it clearly it does come across as aleetle obsessive in the booze department. No?
People that don't have a problem don't hide it. Period. I used to keep a 'bait' bottle on the counter but had more hidden. Hehe Then no one knew how much I was "really" consuming. Then I switched to ''box wine' because no one could 'see' how much was gone.
I always jumpstarted myself before going anywhere -to tutor at school, to go grocery shopping, school functions...even the morning of my wedding of my second marraige.
I, too, have 4 kids....I know.
So hopefully, here you can gain some insight, knowledge, strenghth, clarity, self-awareness...glad you're here.
I (personally speaking) think this is a good place for you, but you have to make that decision on your own!
EmeraldRose is offline  
Old 04-03-2011, 01:18 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by EmeraldRose View Post
I used to keep a 'bait' bottle on the counter but had more hidden. Hehe Then no one knew how much I was "really" consuming.
Nah, it's called a "decoy bottle", lol. I know, because I had one, too. The hidden ones were the ones I used to top off my drinks.

Fave hiding place: in between the plastic liner and the trash basket next to the computer.
LexieCat is offline  
Old 04-03-2011, 01:54 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
SR Fan
 
artsoul's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome to the forum!
he doesn't like to be around me when I'm drinking. He says that I act different and he never knows which "wife" he will get.
I'm not currently married, but have children in their teens and 20's who occasionally expressed a concern with my drinking (it used to make me so defensive and even angry).

My daughter would ask "have you been drinking?" and I wondered why she would say that, as it was often when I'd only had two or three drinks - I never got drunk in front of them (only after they went to bed, or at parties). In fact I was very intent on acting completely sober all the time.

So when I'd ask my daughter why she thought I'd been drinking, she would just say "I can tell....." I think when you really know someone, live with them for years, etc...., it's pretty hard to fool them.

Have you ever seen a bunch of people drink when you were sober? They think they're more fun and charming, but to an outsider they're just getting stupid (which is in fact what happens to our brains). Our sense of humor is much more interesting and sophisticated when we're sober. When we're drunk, not so much.

You're thinking about it, which is a really good thing and I commend you for it. I know it's not easy to think about giving up drinking - it wasn't easy for any of us, but once sober we found that we were actually more engaged in our lives than before and happier all around.
artsoul is offline  
Old 04-03-2011, 02:08 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,326
I can definitely relate to the feelings of resentment and anger when you know that you have to stop drinking. I hid bottles too and tried to sneak drinks whenever I could. I think that's part of the obsession with this disease, and my mind was taken over by thoughts of when I could drink, where, how much, blah, blah, blah. It was really such a relief to stop and have my mind clear again.
Anna is offline  
Old 04-03-2011, 07:03 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
jstar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 438
Originally Posted by WritingFromLife View Post

I drank with my girlfriends (who are all "polished" with successful careers) at home or out at lunch on a sunny patio (which turned into drinking through the evening) several times a month and thought I was the life of the party (I WAS to my drinking girlfriends!) i also drank at home during the week to "get out of my head" (it was JUST WINE, right? Ha.) One day, my husband said the same thing yours did. He has a highly tolerant/patient personality and is not a tee totaler--so this threw me for a loop; if HE'S saying that, I'm not just fooling MYSELF. I already knew my mind worked better on a daily basis without alcohol. It took away my "edge my drive.
Sounds like me...I go out once a month with my girlfriends. It used to be social and fun just to hang out with them. Now I want to know where is the after-party & I always byob...they never have my "choice". It used to be a sunny day by the pool and now it's "Monday" or "Thursday" or I've had a. Long week....

I know this is the new to recovery section....I want to be new...to know what is so great about life without a bottle in the cabinet...how is that possible?
jstar is offline  
Old 04-03-2011, 07:13 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
For me, the greatest thing was the absolute FREEDOM I have now. I used to not go anywhere in the evening because I'd start drinking right after work, and I didn't want to drive drunk (not that that ALWAYS stopped me). I can do what I want, I do not have to think about how I am going to try to "manage" my drinking. I feel better physically and mentally.

Honestly, as much as I LOVED to drink, there is not one single thing I miss about it. It takes getting used to, living without drinking. But it is SO worth it.

Imagine how you would feel if your husband had chest pains, or one of your kids had an accident or became terribly ill and you were too drunk to deal with it? Those things can happen.

It's great to just be PRESENT all the time.
LexieCat is offline  
Old 04-03-2011, 07:23 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
SR Fan
 
artsoul's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I want to be new...to know what is so great about life without a bottle in the cabinet...how is that possible?
Well, you start right where you're at, by asking the question. You start by looking at how important alcohol really is to you and admitting that it shouldn't be that important, that you have a problem. Call it alcoholism, addiction, or whatever...... it's become a central focus in your life.

Making a decision to stop drinking is terrifying at first, so you have to break it down into minutes/hours/days. You may not be able to face the idea of a sober life, but you can get through the next few minutes without a drink. You can come here and get support any hour of the day, you can go to rehab, you can try AA or talk to a doctor.

I can tell you that sobriety is not only possible for us, it's necessary if we want to be rid of the obsession and desire that runs our lives. It's necessary if we don't want to lose everything, including our lives.

But start from where you're at and take the next right step. It's a process...... it unfolds as each step it taken.

If we can do it, you can to!
artsoul is offline  
Old 04-03-2011, 07:33 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
Today's Muse
 
LosingmyMisery's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: West end
Posts: 1,081
I was where you are at now. My entire life revolved around drinking. I thought everyone drank like I did, but they didn't. Booze was my favorite companion until it turned on my and my life started going down the tube.

When the consequences become dire, you will want to stop and the thought of never drinking again will not be in the forefront. We push it, and push it some more until we are in deep trouble. You reach a point where you will do anything to stop drinking, forever. There was a time where I couldn't imagine a life without drinking. Now, I can't imagine a life with it.

There is a solution and you can find it. It takes time, willingness, and effort. You can do this, but you have to figure out how badly you want this. Don't wait until the consequences are worse than they are now and it is to late to fix matters.
LosingmyMisery is offline  
Old 04-03-2011, 08:04 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
jstar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 438
Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post

so I guess the $64 question I'd ask myself is, honestly, how much do you feel your husband has grounds here?

D
I think he is right...I'm sure he is thinking that at this moment as I had a chef's wine lunch this afternoon...found myself 5 drinks in before having to drive 20 miles home....got home and have been drinking since....4 hrs ago...it is spring break for the kids afterall...

This totally sucks...
jstar is offline  
Old 04-03-2011, 08:07 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaFemme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
What is great about life outside of the bottle?

Today I. Went for a 3 mile walk along the beach with my dogs a friend and her twin 18 month old boys....I ran some errands...I planted ivy around the dogwoods and pansies along the walk...I started 2 new paintings, both are going to be amazing, I can tell....I went to the park with my dogs....I spent 1.5 hours on the phone with my life coach.

I was present and happy the whole time.


I remember hiding bottles...and all the other garbage you talk about....how is any of that fun?

Last weekend I was at a conference for work....wine flowed at dinner and after at the bar...people are stupid and boring when they drink, they are just too drunk to notice.

Please stick around....life can be so much better
LaFemme is offline  
Old 04-03-2011, 08:08 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,043
This totally sucks...
yeah I remember how sucky it is.

So now you have to decide what to do about it - thats sucky too - but it really is the first step in getting that weight off your shoulders.

Have you thought of a recovery group like AA or SMART, or maybe some counselling?.

Even a doctors visit might be a good first step if you've been drinking daily for a while and you decide to quit - sometimes detox can be a little rough for some of us.

the good news is you're not alone jstar
D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 04-03-2011, 08:09 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaFemme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Originally Posted by jstar View Post
I think he is right...I'm sure he is thinking that at this moment as I had a chef's wine lunch this afternoon...found myself 5 drinks in before having to drive 20 miles home....got home and have been drinking since....4 hrs ago...it is spring break for the kids afterall...

This totally sucks...
It does suck I know exactly where you are I was there once myself.

Hugs.
LaFemme is offline  
Old 04-03-2011, 08:34 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
Member
 
Mark75's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Yea, it sucks at first... Pain is the touchstone of growth and change... I am guessing that if it didn't suck, we'd all be on some other website, or somewhere else. Sharing this journey with others helps immensely ... So, stick around.

Mark75 is offline  
Old 04-03-2011, 08:46 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
CarolD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I've yet to meet an adult who told me they were pleased
and proud they had a drinking parent...

Welcome to our recovery community...

Last edited by CarolD; 04-03-2011 at 09:17 PM.
CarolD is offline  
Old 04-03-2011, 08:48 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 694
In the end my wife hated my drinking more than anyone, then again she was around me the most and she was the sober one of the 2 of us.

It took a very long time for me to realize that she had been right all along, she was the one wanting to leave at 10 when I'd stay till 2 am, she was the one hearing me hit walls as I stumbled to bed and she knew a couple meant a whole lot more, the list goes on, I wish I could of seen what she seen long ago...
SomethingBetter is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:19 AM.