ttqttfg

I'm also frustrated and a little hurt today.

When my wife gave me the ultimatum, so to speak, the other day she said she wanted me to take some sort of action and gave me 3 options.

So yesterday, after getting over the 3 day hurdle, getting my head somewhat clear and getting over being mad at her and myself I wrote her a letter (and sent it via email) since it's easier for me to communicate that way.

I wasn't defensive and I didn't try to blame her for anything. I also didn't say sorry for anything, yet. I need to get sober and then start to work through all that.

I told her what I was planning on doing. But I didn't get any response from her. Not even when we both got home. She made no mention of it or even acknowledged that she received the letter/email. I know that she did get it tho (don't ask me how I know I just do. 100% sure she got it).

So I don't know what to think. Is she mad that I didn't say I would do exactly what she wanted me to? I said that this is what I'm going to do for now and that it might change later if I need to. Is she just trying to absorb it all?

I have no right to expect anything from her now due to all the pain and hurt I've caused.

But just a simple acknowledgment that she got the letter would have been nice. I kind of felt that we were in this together this time since she is going to some meetings herself. Now I feel alone and that I'm on my own once again.

I don't know what to think.

Dee74

I know I said things a lot of times ttq....

eventually my loved ones got blase about my 'I'm gonna do this this and this' plans because they'd heard the plans so many times...but they never saw the follow through, they never saw any lasting change.

When I did follow through, people saw I was serious about changing, they saw I was doing it for me not for them, and slowly attitudes thawed.

I hope it will be the same for you too

D

PurpleCat

ttqttfg, as someone with both the problem herself and living with the problem with him, I would be unwilling to believe anything my DH said if he were at the stage that you are. I've heard it all before. He didn't live up to what he said. He never has.

She probably didn't acknowledge because she didn't believe it.

You got to give her time to believe that she can really believe in you. The only way to do that is to stay sober and show her through her actions that you really mean it. We've heard the words before and know how (unfortunately) untrue they can be.

phytoman

Welcome Wharf Rat and StrongEnuf!

ttqttfg - I'm sending positive thoughts heading your way. Feel good about the changes you've made, and have hope that things will work out one way or another...

It's day 7 for me, and probably the best I've felt this week! Now if I could just sleep through the night....

ttqttfg

Yeah I'm not expecting her to believe anything I say. I even put that in the letter. I just wanted her to acknowledge that she received the letter. That would tell me that "ok I got it and I understand that you are trying".

Anyway. Whatever. I'm over that.

She is going to Al-Anon meetings. Does anyone know what they tell them there? I can't believe that they would bad mouth alcoholics. I would hate to think that they are somehow sabotaging my efforts by giving them negative information. Does anyone know if they tell them what an alcoholic goes through when they are trying to get sober? Not that I'm want any sympathy at all. It would just be nice if they told them so she knows that it's going to take some time.

The other thing I'm worried about is her telling her friends what I said in my letter. I fear that they might try to interrupt for her what I said and twist it all around.

Well enough for now. Going out to dinner with her tonight so we'll see what happens.

Hope everyone had a good Friday and a good weekend.

Stay strong everyone! We can do it!

ttqttfg

Man I hear ya. Can't wait for that.

Thanks everyone for the kind words and words of wisdom.

ttqttfg

Doing ok this morning. Still not sleeping well.

Our dinner went well last night. We talked very briefly about "it" as my wife put it. Feels like a monkey is off our backs. She knows I'm doing my "thing" and I know she's doing her "thing". So hopefully some day we'll meet in the middle.

I keep hearing and seeing things from people that suggest that I'm not going to make it and things are going to get harder before they get better. It really makes me mad that no one has faith in me.

BUT

I'm using that as a motivation and accepting the challenge. I'm going to show those unbelieving jerks that I CAN DO IT and show them JUST HOW SERIOUS I AM THIS TIME!!! (Yes I'm yelling.) Just you all wait and see.

So how is everyone doing today?

Stay strong and we'll make it together. Have a great weekend Aprilers!

ttqttfg

Ugh. Doing the taxes today. That's enough to make anyone want to drink. At least we're getting a nice refund so that's good.

Facing my biggest test, so far, right now. My wife just took the kids out for about 4 hrs. Starting to feel the itch. This is prime getting wasted time.

But I've got too much riding on it so I'll make it through (I hope).



Maybe some food and a nap. It's too cold and rainy today to go out.

stacylove

Hiya Aprilers (Is that what you call yourselves?),

I am starting over again, and in reality I need to be here in April, although I am a Marcher at heart, so sorry.

I relapsed and I am here to start new again with you, and I may still visit March now and again, but I will be here too.

WillowX I'm so proud of you for starting over and starting this thread, this is good for you, you are like the Head Apriler In Charge (HAIC).

Good Luck to all of you

<3 Stacy

Dee74

Welcome to the group Stacy.

D

ttqttfg

Welcome Stacy!

phytoman

Glad to have you here Stacy. I didn't start out as an 'Apriler' either, but I'm happy to be here now...

Zini

Hi Aprillers!
Great to see you all on here. Checking in on day 8. Feeling great and going to a meeting this afternoon, at which I think I am ready to pick my sponsor.
Went to a picnic yesterday where everyone was drinking champagne. It was easier than I thought to avoid drinking, and it gave me immense happiness to have enjoyed it so much sober, but I also know that casual day-drinking is not my particular weakness. I am trying to walk the fine line between feeling excited and happy at my sobriety and not getting too cocky. I know from past experience that cocky leads to the alcoholic brain's suggestive little whispers that invite me to have a drink because I'm doing so well. Oh, so sly, that alcoholic brain.
Anyway, checking in here to keep track and to keep honest.
Love and luck to all,
Z.

Turtle228

ttqttfg, Have many years in Al-Anon. Members focus on themselves. We can't change anyone but ourselves. Never heard any vitriol against the drinker. Members come to realize they can have a meaningful life despite their circumstances.

Turtle228

Had been lurking for a few days and felt this is the place for me. Greetings to all.

Where can I get a picture?

phytoman

Zini - congrats on 8 days! That's great that you are focused enough to be around drinking scenarios and still stick to your plan. I'm still avoiding any situations where drinks might be available.

Turtle228 - Welcome to the group! As for the picture, I think that I just googled 'free avatars', found one that I liked, and then went into my user control panel on this board and put in a link.

Day 8!

BellaB44

Hi there everyone . I am new here and been sober since 4/1/11. First time smiling in YEARS ! Never thought i could feel happy again, but if this is how day 10 feels, i cant imagine what it will feel like after months and years . I read alot on these forums to get through the detox part of it and i appreciate everyones experiences and posts.Its helping more than you know. To know there are others like me out there. I can only get to AA meetings on weekends when my kids are with their dad, so SR is a life saver....literlly. So, thank you and thank God !!!

ttqttfg

Welcome to the group Turtle & Bella.

Good job Zini. Thanks for the success story.

I'm finding myself easily annoyed at my kids this morning. Ok easier than usual. I think I'm having some anxiety problems. Like I see the sink full of dishes and where it would be no problem and I'd dive in and do it, it seems like a mountain today and I'll never be able to finish it. So I don't know what's going on there.

If you've been reading my posts this won't be a surprise. I didn't sleep well last night again.

But this time it was because of some sort of domestic disturbance at the house across the street. 3 police cars later it ended in a teenage girl being hauled away which I'm pretty sure was high, and another teenager leaving with his grandmother.

It was sad to watch but good motivation for me. I don't want that to happen to my family and my kids.

Well have a nice Sunday all. See you on the other side of the weekend.

Zini

Hi all, and thanks for the words of support
ttqttfg - it's interesting that you talk about being annoyed. At my AA meeting today, the topic that became the theme of the meeting was resentment - that slow-burning anger you get when you're really trying your best but things just won't cut you any slack.
As a newbie, I just sat back and listened. I was surprised when one of the "old timers" revealed that the only thing to have come close to threatening her thirteen years of sobriety was a huge annoyance that happened last week, and as more and more people shared, everyone turned to the issue of dealing with resentment, anxiety and annoyances from other people: things that are uncontrollable.
Again and again, it came back to the idea of accepting what is under one's control (which is, I guess, the core tenet of the serenity prayer ). One person, however, put it like this, which I found really helpful (I am paraphrasing here):
"As a control freak, I get hung up all the time on thinking about what I can or can't control. And then one day it hit me. I decided that one thing, and one thing only was under my control, and that was my sobriety. Now, when things go wrong, I only think about being in control of my sobriety, and it calms me down and centers me. It's a way of reminding myself that I'm NOT in control by focusing on the fundamental essence of what I do need to control."
I thought that was pretty insightful. Hope it helps.
Anxiety is a normal byproduct of quitting drinking for all of us, I think. It will pass - whether or not the dishes get done
Oh, and phytoman, am definitely not going to make a rule of being in places where temptation is overwhelming. Am trying to pick and choose my social situations carefully, especially so early in the game. I may think I have it covered, but I know that constant vigilance is essential at this point
Strength to all!

CarolD

Yes...forward is the correct direction....Well done everyone