4thekidz

ttqttfg,

Thanks for the background. I am 44 and have a similar story. But the "what-if" game will turn the screw in your gut every time. All that exists is what you've created in life and the here & now.

sos22032

Saturday, April 30, 2011. Day 9. Yesterday was a repeat of day 8—12-hour long, stressful day of work, ending with the desire to shut it down with booze. But the desire wasn't as strong and I “changed channels” quicker. The weather is beautiful here in Fairfax, VA today and I'm taking it easy. Still adjusting to the idea of having fun without booze. Seems like a great day to be drinking beer out on the deck. Now that I'm not drinking, I'm beginning to see how one-tracked my behavior was. So much revolved around the alcoholic beverages. Wine for this, beer for that, scotch for the easy chair, 101 schnapps to clear the throat, gin and tonic because it's a great summer time drink. Feels a little like I'm mourning for the loss of an old friend. Need to make new ones.

Still looking for something in the mail from SOS International about local meetings. I replied to an email from 4/22/2011 asking for my postal address. Anybody here have any experience with SOS support groups? ( www_sossobriety_org ) I attended a couple of AA groups years ago with my daughter who is a recovering addict and don't think I can do the religious part of AA. I have a long, involved, painful religious history in my past and am not interested in making anything with a religious component part of my recovery. I'm looking for peer support, not support from a deity, at least not at this point in my life.

I feel a kindship with you all here and understand and have experience with the negative feelings of stumbling. I managed to quit smoking for about six months once years ago, but got into a new, high stress job and went back to smoking after 2 weeks. It was harder to want to quit the second time, and I was kicking myself non-stop for going back to it. Accepting the fact that I'm an alcoholic means that I can't drink in moderation, so I can't drink at all, and that is a loss. In addition to having lots of bad hangovers and making bad decisions that I later regretted, I also did have a lot of good times while drinking. But I simply can't do that anymore and must daily be at peace with letting that go.

Losing things is a natural progression of life, just like aging. I used to enjoy running, but have a congenital birth defect (fused ankle bones) that caused my right ankle joint to wear out prematurely. My running days are done. Lately I'm doing good if I can walk a few miles without pain. But I am thankful that I'm still able to walk at all. I'm 54 and can't do what I used to be able to do at 25. I haven't been adjusting very well to the idea of getting older and slowing down. Probably one of the reasons I drank so much was that I didn't want to face that reality.

One day at a time. Happy Saturday everyone.

Lee

Dee74

Thanks for sharing that ttqttfg

have a good time at Disneyland Shell!

congartulations on your 14+ days 4thekidz

I have no experience with SOS, sorry Lee. I hope you'll find as I have that the loss is actually a wonderful opportunity in disguise. I'm not rich, I'm not particularly healthy, but my life is just light years away from what it used to be

KarenElaine - I really believe our bottom is what we decide it is. It's that's point when we decide we simply can't drink anymore.

The weight of the darkness it brings makes drinking cease to be a viable option.

I hope you make that decision sooner, rather than later like I did. Have you thought about getting a sponsor?

D

Ranger

TTQTTFG – Thanks so much for taking the time to highlight your story. I encourage you to post the entirety or at least your comment about regret as a stand-alone thread. I think you'll get a lot of helpful responses. For now, you only have my blather.

Regret, resentment, fear, guilt, shame…
Amends, truth, rebirth, growth …

The language of addiction. Though each is as personal and unique as the addict him/herself, please suffer a few experiences and observations from my recovery experience.

Only now, nearly two years after my last drink do I truly embrace the reality that all of the negative words above weren’t eradicated with my last longneck. Indeed, some of them (e.g. guilt, regret) intensified during early sobriety.

I cannot pretend 15 years of valuing drunkenness above all else did not scar my character.

I cannot pretend 15 years of valuing drunkenness above all else was not damaging to certain relationships regardless of whether the other person feels damaged.

For me, there is value in honestly seeking the mistakes and associated damage of my drunken past. You see, I carry much shame and regret from these items…shame and regret I must shed before true recovery can blossom. And to that end, I cannot shed (i.e. give away) that which I do not own.

Dee74

It's hard not to think about what if's - I look at what I've accomplished in the last four years and the tempation is to think what if I done this for 20 years instead of drinking?

The fact is the past is what it is. It's done.
The way I think about my past now is a little different.

I figure everything I've been through - every year, every experience, good or bad - has gotten me to where I am and who I am now....and I like where I am and who I am.

It's been a long strange journey...but I love where I've ended up

D

lovetorun

there are so many posts here i want to reply to, so much i can relate to, and so much i would like to share...i just don't know where to start, my mind goes blank. i'm glad i found this site and forums, because you are all helping me so much, just hearing your stories, struggles, insights. this is a problem i had in AA meetings too...i know i should share, talk to people, maybe even get a sponsor (all things i never did) but i freeze up. completely blank out. i've always had a problem with anxiety-probably a lot of the reason for self-medicating...

one thing i struggle with is hearing "you're not that bad" or "you don't need AA, or to stop drinking because you never needed rehab, ended up in jail, slept on a park bench, etc, etc." i was what is labelled a high-functioning alcoholic. i struggle with these comments because they plant a dangerous seed...that i can manage my drinking. i'm struggling with it right now. but i can't manage my drinking..i was a black-out drinker, most nights i did not remember the whole evening, who i talked to, what i said, going to bed. makes me sick to think of what my kids saw...

anyway, i hope everyone is able to stay strong on their individual recovery journeys. and thank you all!

sos22032

Sunday, May 1, 2011. Day 10. I made it through the grocery shopping this morning without being distracted by all the wine and beer displays scattered throughout the store. Bought a variety of Wegmans European Frizzante bottled sodas in different fruit flavors (Blood Orange, Cranberry Lime, Sicilian Lemon, Sour Cherry Lemon) and put them in my empty wine rack. Nice alternative beverage for when I get tired of plain water.

@lovetorun -- I too was a so-called "high-functioning" alcoholic. I forced myself to go to work even when I had a hangover, which was regularly. I didn't drink until after work and after lunch on the weekends. Friends and neighbors would say that I can hold my liquor and that I'm a funny drunk most of the time. But just because you don't land in jail or homeless on a park bench doesn't mean that booze isn't eventually destroying the better life that you could be living. And what used to work, doesn't keep working. The occasional social drink becomes the more frequent "self-medication" drinks, and constant poisoning your body does take it's toll on your health in a fairly predicable progression.

I think an important key to remaining sober is to get as clear of an understanding as possible (write it down) of why you decided to stop drinking and practice telling yourself that so that you can recall the answer easily when you are tempted to drink again. When someone tells you that you weren't really having that big of a problem with drinking and that surely you can manage to drink in moderation now and then, remind yourself of why you quit. Did the laws of nature change since you decided to quit? Do you believe that now you are living a charmed life and the bad consequences will somehow magically pass you by this time? If you are honest with yourself, you will arrive at the same conclusion and leave the booze for someone else that doesn't have the issues with drinking that we do.

With 9 days sober, obviously I'm no expert, but wanted to share anyway, to let you know that you are definitely not alone in your experiences.

It is a good day to be sober. Look at all the things that you would have missed otherwise.

Lee

sos22032

@Dee74 -- That's OK. I read your earlier post referencing SMART, which I had not heard of, and that sounds like a good fit for me. I'm checking it out now. There are two meetings in my area.

californiapoppy

Thank-you SOS, I agree that it's important to always remember why I want to quit! That's what I usually forget first when I start feeling good again, when I make the decision to drink I can never remember how awful, how ridiculous, how stupid I felt the time before, or how I loathe myself when I drink. Writing it down helps some, I need to read it over regularly though. Another thing that helps me not to drink is to remind myself that if I couldn't, I wouldn't. If there was nothing to drink around me, the craving would pass and I wouldn't drink, so if that's true, and it is for me, then I CAN not drink. I can get past the urge. I've also heard that a craving only lasts on the average 4 minutes, I can handle that too.
Good day to all

ttqttfg

Wow I just found a can of beer hiding in my closet. Kind or startled me. I thought everything was gone from the house. Don't worry I'm not going to drink it. Didn't even cross my mind. But it's good that I didn't find it 25 days ago.

Just thought I'd share that.

How is everyone doing this Sunday? Hope you all have a nice day.

T

4thekidz

Happy May First!

Dee74

wishing you all the best on the start of a new month guys

D

KarenElaine

Hello all, day three (again) for me. I'm so tired! I have worked in the yard today, but I keep coming back in and taking cat naps and going back out. All in all, a great day.
Question for you: Should I meet old friends tomorrow in a Mexican Restaurant where we have always gone on payday to get Margaritas? Since the roof fell where I work, none of us has been working or seeing each other and one of us is having a birthday, and I really want to see them. I want to give the one a little gift and say hello, etc. I am worried something will come over me and I will drink, even though by the Grace of God I am not wanting to drink now at all. I should call them up with an excuse, shouldn't I? I hate that. They are really my only friends. Maybe I could let them know ahead that I'm not drinking due to a medication or something.

Dee74

I think you know whats best to do KE.

for me, if I felt there was still the possibility I might be ambushed by my thoughts/desires and might drink, no I wouldn't go.

D

KarenElaine

I do know I shouldn't. I do hate it though. I'm just going to send them each a nice note and say I can't go because I'm sick. I am sick, really!
I just saw your note about getting a sponsor, Dee. I haven't found one yet, but I'm working on it. I do have a very nice lady on this site who is helping me with my first step. And she showed me where the Joe and Charlie tapes are. I'm listening to those, going to meetings, reading the big book, checking in here a lot, getting lots of rest and taking care of myself. Tonight I'm going to make myself go up to a woman at the meeting and ask for her phone number. It's a challenge for me! At least this is one of the warmer groups. I'd better get, because I'm getting a chocolate milkshake on the way.

Dee74

enjoy the shake and the meeting KarenElaine

D

lovetorun

Thank you sos22032, that's a good idea. I do need to have some sort of reminder -- I need to reinforce, constantly, that I am an alcoholic, that I cannot drink, and remember that I was suffering terribly when I was drinking (the psychologist I see is good for reminding me of this -- wish I could get to sessions more often). And I have to remind myself that the the people who say this just don't get it because they, themselves, may not be alcoholics, and may never understand what it is like -- they also have no idea just how much or how often I was drinking. But it is MY journey, and I have to stay on it, and I have to stay vigilant when my alcoholic brain starts whispering to me that I'm really not an alcohol......

indakut

This is the close of Day 31 SOBER I am so proud of myself.

Went scrapbooking last night for the first time ever. It was fun. I have to have new hobbies besides drinking. My lawn looks GREAT because I am always and weeding the landscaping. Been going to church and reading my bible...Still at the same job and not as stressed as I used to be.

PRESS ON C/O April 2011 :

ttqttfg

Congrats indakut. Almost there myself.

KarenElaine

Congratulations Indakut! Thirty days must be a good feeling.
I am working in my yard a lot, too. I woke up this morning thinking about Thursday, I start my new job. I am so grateful to God to have a job to go to! But I'm also grateful that I've had this past month to work on getting sober.
It's only day 4 for me since I drank again a few days ago, but I feel stronger now, I know what I need to do and am willing to do it, and always put my sobriety first. I have so much to do to repair the mess I've made of my life, but I will keep reminding myself that I can't do it all at once, that I can do a little at a time and so long as I stay sober, eventually it will get done. Or not. I'm going to try to set it all right, but some of it will take a long, long, time and I'm just going to have to learn to live with that, because getting anxious over it all, at least at this early stage, opens me up to cravings and I'm avoiding those like the plague.