This is long / alcoholic best friend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 1
This is long / alcoholic best friend
As a short background:
I am a 22 year old female. Someone I will call "J" is a 28 year old male. We live together and are best friends, nothing sexual at all. He and I have known each other for a year and a half, and have pretty much been roommates since that time.
J is the type who knows he has a problem with alcohol. Like every other addict, it's really an "all or nothing" thing; he cannot have a single drink or it will turn into a week-long binge. J forgets personal boundaries when he is drunk and experiences en bloc blackouts 100% of the time when he drinks. He remembers absolutely nothing because he drinks so fast and so much that his brain is just gone. J busts into my bedroom and says weird things, and sometimes when I am in the shower he'll come into the bathroom, forgetting that I had gone in. I have a boyfriend, and even so it makes me really angry when he violates my boundaries. This is ONLY when he drinks. Otherwise he is literally the perfect friend.
I can always tell when he is drunk because of the look in his eye. And he knows that it saddens me so he hides his drinking. He'll throw the bottles under the sink or in a cupboard and he thinks I will never know. I have told him that I know regardless of his hiding efforts, so he might as well do it out in the open and not lie. J gets extremely inappropriate, scares his other friends, and becomes one of those dead-eyed zombies when he is drunk. He is completely unavailable and up in your face. Literally all over me and it takes all my strength to get him out of my personal space.
The reason he gives up drinking every time is because he truly loves having me in his life. I am usually the one he lives for, and most of the time I feel like he really cares for me. But I KNOW, and am fully aware, that alcohol takes control of people. Even though J loves me, alcohol has him. My grandpa died from his alcoholism. My brother is a long-time alcoholic and drug addicted homeless person. I have seen it before.
While I don't drink much (maybe one or two weekends a YEAR, and I am a recently-legal college student), alcohol seems to be a huge part of my life.
J doesn't get violent, abusive, or self-harming when he drinks. But he also doesn't have the mental capacity for inhibitions and sometimes he drives while drunk. I take his keys away every time I know he is drinking. But he is also unemployed and not going to school or anything, and sometimes I am at work all day. It scares me to death that he could kill someone while driving. Another add-on is that he neglects all of his personal responsibilities such as applying for jobs and cleaning the house.
I am at the point where I know I cannot make someone else see the light. I cannot tell him to do it for me because he has to do it for himself. I am at the point of wanting to just save all my money and quit paying all the bills here so that I can just move into my own apartment and not have to give him the "alcohol or me" ultimatum. Where do I go from here? Should I just leave? I love J with all my heart. I love MYSELF too, and I've got so many things going on right now.
You all have been through so much and I really appreciate your help and experience. Thank you for reading my long-winded story and I can't wait to see what you have to say.
I am a 22 year old female. Someone I will call "J" is a 28 year old male. We live together and are best friends, nothing sexual at all. He and I have known each other for a year and a half, and have pretty much been roommates since that time.
J is the type who knows he has a problem with alcohol. Like every other addict, it's really an "all or nothing" thing; he cannot have a single drink or it will turn into a week-long binge. J forgets personal boundaries when he is drunk and experiences en bloc blackouts 100% of the time when he drinks. He remembers absolutely nothing because he drinks so fast and so much that his brain is just gone. J busts into my bedroom and says weird things, and sometimes when I am in the shower he'll come into the bathroom, forgetting that I had gone in. I have a boyfriend, and even so it makes me really angry when he violates my boundaries. This is ONLY when he drinks. Otherwise he is literally the perfect friend.
I can always tell when he is drunk because of the look in his eye. And he knows that it saddens me so he hides his drinking. He'll throw the bottles under the sink or in a cupboard and he thinks I will never know. I have told him that I know regardless of his hiding efforts, so he might as well do it out in the open and not lie. J gets extremely inappropriate, scares his other friends, and becomes one of those dead-eyed zombies when he is drunk. He is completely unavailable and up in your face. Literally all over me and it takes all my strength to get him out of my personal space.
The reason he gives up drinking every time is because he truly loves having me in his life. I am usually the one he lives for, and most of the time I feel like he really cares for me. But I KNOW, and am fully aware, that alcohol takes control of people. Even though J loves me, alcohol has him. My grandpa died from his alcoholism. My brother is a long-time alcoholic and drug addicted homeless person. I have seen it before.
While I don't drink much (maybe one or two weekends a YEAR, and I am a recently-legal college student), alcohol seems to be a huge part of my life.
J doesn't get violent, abusive, or self-harming when he drinks. But he also doesn't have the mental capacity for inhibitions and sometimes he drives while drunk. I take his keys away every time I know he is drinking. But he is also unemployed and not going to school or anything, and sometimes I am at work all day. It scares me to death that he could kill someone while driving. Another add-on is that he neglects all of his personal responsibilities such as applying for jobs and cleaning the house.
I am at the point where I know I cannot make someone else see the light. I cannot tell him to do it for me because he has to do it for himself. I am at the point of wanting to just save all my money and quit paying all the bills here so that I can just move into my own apartment and not have to give him the "alcohol or me" ultimatum. Where do I go from here? Should I just leave? I love J with all my heart. I love MYSELF too, and I've got so many things going on right now.
You all have been through so much and I really appreciate your help and experience. Thank you for reading my long-winded story and I can't wait to see what you have to say.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Hi BBear...welcome. From my perspective you will be living this way for a very long time until he hits rock bottom and decides that HE can't live like that. If he doesn't have a job and not going to school I wonder how he financially feeds his habit. You?
Unfortunately, without sitting him down and giving him an ultimatum he will never stop until he wants to -depsite the patience, concern, friendship. It will ruin YOUR life as well.
My husband harped on me for years to 'get help'. Wale, I didn't NEED help., I'm just fine. After separating it caught up with me and I HAD to get help. That was 65 days ago and I really hope, for your sake, that he will soon see the destruction he causes in your life and will consider a serious change. He can do it and life is SO much better when you can remember it. Good Luck -keep us posted.
Unfortunately, without sitting him down and giving him an ultimatum he will never stop until he wants to -depsite the patience, concern, friendship. It will ruin YOUR life as well.
My husband harped on me for years to 'get help'. Wale, I didn't NEED help., I'm just fine. After separating it caught up with me and I HAD to get help. That was 65 days ago and I really hope, for your sake, that he will soon see the destruction he causes in your life and will consider a serious change. He can do it and life is SO much better when you can remember it. Good Luck -keep us posted.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Hi,
I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
I also would wonder how he is supporting himself and buying alcohol if he has no job?
You might check out AlAnon for yourself and check out the Friends & Families forums on this board.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
I also would wonder how he is supporting himself and buying alcohol if he has no job?
You might check out AlAnon for yourself and check out the Friends & Families forums on this board.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Here is the forum Anna mentioned. Give it a look. Lots of support and good advice there.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Encourager In Training
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: KS
Posts: 717
Many of us alkies take great pains to avoid coming across as judgmental. Amongst other reasons for this tender approach is the rightful, legitimate fear we will harm a fellow alcoholic during a moment of great need and vulnerability. That is to say, oftentimes we are dealing with the porcelain fragility of those who are teetering just on either side of sobriety.
With that said, since you are not an alcoholic I feel we can have a more straightforward exchange.
As you describe the situation, you are in physical peril and you simply must get out. This not-so-young man’s true desire for you is revealed in his drunken actions. Left unchecked, this will get worse. As J’s disease progresses, his respect for your boundaries will continually erode.
In addition to providing the mental and physical space you need to see the current situation more clearly, your leaving will also impart a consequence on your alcoholic friend.
Praying for you, kiddo.
With that said, since you are not an alcoholic I feel we can have a more straightforward exchange.
As you describe the situation, you are in physical peril and you simply must get out. This not-so-young man’s true desire for you is revealed in his drunken actions. Left unchecked, this will get worse. As J’s disease progresses, his respect for your boundaries will continually erode.
In addition to providing the mental and physical space you need to see the current situation more clearly, your leaving will also impart a consequence on your alcoholic friend.
Praying for you, kiddo.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi BBear
I agree with the other posts here. You need to take care of yourself...and if living in this situation is incompatible with that, you owe it to yourself to reassess the situation.
I hope you'll visit our Family and Friends forum too.
Welcome to SR
D
I agree with the other posts here. You need to take care of yourself...and if living in this situation is incompatible with that, you owe it to yourself to reassess the situation.
I hope you'll visit our Family and Friends forum too.
Welcome to SR
D
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