Jimboagust

Hi all,

I am a 29 year old man and I am a bit concerned about my drinking. The men on both sides of my family have been hard-core alcoholics, going back at least three generations. I have an eight month old son and so I'm starting to think more deeply about my drinking and how this will affect him, especially given my own experiences with my father (who nearly drank himself to death a few years ago but who is now mercifully sober after his fourth rehab).

I love to drink and usually have about 4 to 6 drinks in an evening (a couple of beers or glasses of wine and then 3-4 whiskeys). I have never encountered deep personality problems nor has my drinking affected my work (I am a university professor). But after my son was born I have been struggling with refocusing my life entirely on him and I often feel very bitter and confused after I am done with my usual daily drinking, having a more difficult time giving him the love and attention that he deserves.

I know this sounds ridiculous but sometimes I almost wish that I was more clearly an alcoholic so I could just make the decision right here and now to stop drinking. As it is now I'm right on the cusp. I love drinking and feel that I could stop whenever I want but at the same time I am worried how my drinking will progress and whether it would not be better simply to stop here and now, before things progress to the point where they did with my father and grandfather. I guess my question is whether I should try to cut down a bit or if it would perhaps be best to quit entirely, at least for a while.

If any of you could give me thoughts on my situation it would be greatly appreciated. I've enjoyed reading the posts on this site a great deal and will pray for all of you who are brave enough to share your experiences and your pains with other people to help them. I teach philosophy and I feel that there is a kind of philosophical spirit to what you people do here, entering into dialogue with each other, sharing your experiences and thoughts to better yourself. God Bless you All.

Anna

Welcome!

It's good to hear that you are aware that your drinking is affecting your relationship with your son and causing you to question yourself.

I think, if you are not an alcholic, then you could cut back your drinking and moderate it. If you are an alcoholic, then that will not work. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse unless it stops.

My question to you is what does drinking every night give you? How does it make your life better? And, 3-4 whiskeys, plus a couple of glasses of wine is quite a lot to drink every night. The thing with alcoholism is that stopping drinking is just the beginning. I think we need to look at the root of the issues that caused us to begin drinking. Why are we looking to numb our emotions?

FrothyJay

Good for you that you are willing to investigate.

Maybe first, try to cut back to 2 drinks a night for a month. See how it feels, impacts your sleep, your urges, etc.

If you fail-- that is, have more than 2 drinks even once-- than perhaps you should try to stop entirely for a few months.

If that doesn't work, you'll have some new information to make a decision.

EmeraldRose

I would think that if you grew up seeing your father drinking you wouldn't want the same for your son. It takes a huge toll on the children. I drank about 30 years -raised 4 kids. My oldest is 29 -baby is a senior in HS and I feel as though, although I was physically there I could have been more emotionally there for them.
As Anna, said...alcoholics can not moderate. That would be up to you to determine. But if you are here...I think you have a clue.

Welcome.

Bikeguy

Jimboagust,

You just described my story of drinking. Oh, I loved drinking and how it calmed me and made me relax. I never missed work because of drinking, lost a friend, in fact most people had no idea I was a drunk. It creeps up on you and believe me if you think you can stop now you should for the sake of you and your family. Towards the end of my drinking days I was experiencing withdrawals on a daily basis and spent most of my time planning my next fix. Withdrawal was so scary and so severe for me just the thought of it scares the hell out of me and is a huge looming shadow reminding me how I will never drink again.

suki44883

I agree with the others. One way to find out if you do have a drinking problem is to try to moderate for a while. If you can do it consistently, and never go over, say 2 drinks at a time, then it's possible you don't have a real problem and can continue to drink responsibly. However, if you find yourself going over your pre-set limit, then you'll know that you're on dangerous ground.

Congrats on the new family member.

reggiewayne

Welcome Jim! I relate very much to your post. I'll have 4 months on Saturday. I am 35 years old and have 10 month old son. My disease REALLY kicked in when I approached 30. Until then I was (almost) always able to control my drinking to 4 - 6 drinks per night also. But when I hit 30 (and age has nothing to do with his so bear with me) that is when I crossed that line. I started drinking quite a bit more, I was hungover much more often, and as a result the quality of my "sober" life decreased.

Getting into recovery has completely changed my life. It has shown me a way to exist in the world (happily and productively) without needing alcohol to act as my filter. You see for me, my problem wasn't drinking - it was my solution. My problem was being sober. How could I live with a crying baby, a nagging wife, a job that expected way to much from me, and NOT DRINK! It seemed impossible. The program of AA has shown me a different plan for life.

Today I experience things like gratitude. I appreciate and feel so blessed to have that crying baby. I feel so fortunate to have my wife (nagging and all lol). I feel grateful for just having a job... When I was active in my disease, I was like a whiny little boy. People never treated me right, everyone else had it better than me, and the world simply didn't treat me very well. Turns out I was wrong. I was the problem.

All of the self reflection and self analysis were just adding to the problem and that problem was my self absorbtion.

In recovery I have learned that alcoholism is a progressive disease that ultimately ends in either hospitals, jails, or death. The next question is "Am I an alcoholic". If that answer is yes, then it's just simply not OK for me to drink. Now that drinking is not an options, WTF do I do now??? That is where my insanity stops, and my recovery begins.

I don't know if this helps you. I sure helped me writing it. I'm not sure if your an alcoholic, but I will say there seem to be plenty of signs that would suggest its at least possible. Keep coming around here. You'll find a ton of support.

If you ever want some cool stuff (audio) about AA let me know and I'll send you a link to some podcasts.

I'll end with this... I have not regretted one single day of sobriety. I am so much more clear on the love that I have for my wife, my kids, life, and just everyday people I come in contact with on a daily basis. The only thing that has changed with all of those variables is me. AA did for me what I could not do for myself.

I wish you the best!

Pete55

Welcome,

I had the exact similar expirience of emotions after our first borns ( twins )
This caused an immense complication trying to "adjust" things and old habits.
Upon reflection and sober enough now to look at those thoughts and feeling a while back, the alcohol numbed my senses, I was not feeling love from anyone, nor was I really giving much back, I was numbed by alcohol and was not aware of it.

nogard

Why not simply quit for 3 months and see how you go? It should answer most of your questions.

Kevin

LosingmyMisery

I'm glad you are asking questions. Acknowledging the possibility of a problem is key. Try to stop and see where it leads. The mere fact that you "love" drinking sends up a huge red flag for me. There are many things to love, but drinking isn't on most peoples list. For myself, I learned the hard way. I crossed the proverbial line. I thought I could stop as well, but couldn't. I tried for year to no avail. One thing for certain, from my experience, the power of the progression of alcoholism is astonishing. If you can stop now you will save yourself a lot of grief, pain, and agony. Kudos for reaching out and taking your family history into consideration. History does tend to repeat itself. It would be in everyone's best interest by putting a stop to repeating the cycle. Best wishes and good luck.

least

Welcome to the family. I gave up drinking and haven't felt this good in a long time.

1_day@_a_time

I know this sounds ridiculous but sometimes I almost wish that I was more clearly an alcoholic......

By the sounds of the volume of alcohol, perhaps you are. But ONLY YOU can answer that.

I love drinking and feel that I could stop whenever I want.........

Then quit for a month & see how you feel about your life w/o alcohol.

You can also answer these 20 questions & see what you find.

CONGRATS on having the courage to speak up NOW and take a good hard close look at yourself!!!

I never did at 29!!!!

Mark75

That's a good amount of alcohol... I'm in my fifties and when I was in my thirties, your daily amount would have been a weekend binge night for me... But of course I progressed and that amount became my usual daily routine... Make no mistake, that's a lot of drinking...

You'll hear about how it's not how much you drink, and it's not. You could just be a heavy drinker... not alcoholic... So what should you look at? What happens when you drink? Well, as you say, you become "very bitter and confused" ... why? Because you have difficulty giving your son "the love and attention he deserves" ... hmm, yet you continue to drink?

Hey, I've been there... My own experience was that I was so self centered, I isolated from the people that mean the most to me, my wife and kids, and I to them... just so I could get a buzz on... But I love them, why would I keep doing that, night after night? I wasn't usually cranky, but I certainly wasn't "there" for them... So what was up with that? I drank when I shouldn't or didn't even want to, I drank more than I said I would... Because, I am alcoholic... but now, thank God ... a recovered alcoholic.

My dad was alcoholic, RIP, 24 years sober when he died, my brother, he too is alcoholic, recovered 24 years. I have not had a drink for 2.5 years.

I have been a little more assertive in my response to your question than some of the others... But there are a lot of red flags in your own experience... Stop drinking... If you have no problems and you find yourself happier and no longer confused or frustrated... great... go have an awesome life with your new family and your career in academia... But if you find you cannot stop drinking, or that you become irritable and discontent... maybe you are alcoholic like me... but fear not, there is a solution...

LaFemme

Welcome and congrats on your son!

If you can quit for 6 months without any effort or difficulty you are probably okay...I have a sneaking suspicion that if that were possible you wouldn't be here.

Quitting drinking has been the most profoundly positive experience of my life. I am grateful I can't drink because now I get to enjoy life without the drug of alcohol. I am 100% alive

MsCooterBrown

Your drinks of choice were my drinks of choice. Out and about I would have beer with whiskey shots. Once home..bring on the wine. The difference between us is that it did affect me. When I wasn't drunk I was hung over thinking about drinking when I got off work..I got sick of feeling dull. Numb. Blank. I think when you have had enough..you have had enough! I found that it is such a relief to stop drinking..moderation was pure torture the few times I tried to pull it off. You may be able to quit with no problems..but..you may be surprized to find out quitting is not easy. One thing is for sure..I have read alot of books on the way alcohol does damage to just about every organ. I just didn't want to gamble with it any more. Welcome!

michelle01

I didn't start drinking in huge quantities until I reached my 30s, some people are excessive typical alcoholics from their first ever drink, but not all. Nowadays I know more about the progressive nature of alcoholism. But because at first I could contain it quite easily to one or two, I assumed that would never be my problem. I remember looking at people getting smashed and wondering why couldn't they just stop??

I think having a break from the drinking for awhile and seeing how it goes for you is a good idea.

Jimboagust

Thank you all for the replies. I think the main thing I appreciate about this forum is the lack of sentimentality. All of your responses are very straightforward and not moralistic in the least, which I really appreciate.

I have actually for the past month been trying to moderate my drinking and it has been largely successful but it has been extremely difficult. I think that is the main reason why I was inspired to seek out this website in the first place. I have also noticed that it almost never happens that I feel satisfied with just a drink or two. After that first beer or whiskey I always want more. Fortunately I have not progressed to the stage where this appetite progresses beyond those 4 to 6 drinks (and I always count my drinks, having known so many alcoholics in my life). But I guess my main concern at this point is to think deeply about this issue before my drinking becomes truly mentally and spiritually destructive.

I do, on occasion, worry that I am just being neurotic and that I am obsessing about this because of my experiences with my father. But I think all of you are right in pointing out that there is at least a very real possibility that this is a problem that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later.

Seeing as how it is very difficult for me to moderate my drinking and that not drinking for an extended period of time is extremely difficult (albeit possible) I am beginning to think that I should at least consider the possibility of quitting drinking altogether.

-reggiewayne: I would really appreciate a link to those podcasts.

Thank you all again. This really is a wonderful community you have here.

JTele

Your drinking experience sounds very much like mine in many respects. I also consumed about the same amount of alcohol per day, although, I did tend to binge on the weekends on occasion as well. Still, I went on like this for many years while never really considering that I could actually have a serious alcohol problem. After all, my life was going just fine; I had a great, supportive wife of 36 years, three grown and responsible children, had my own business in which I've never missed a beat, and I've never been in any trouble with the law. Things couldn't have been better, right? Wrong!

Much like yourself, my life from a mental perspective seemed to be rolling along just fine without any serious issues whatsoever. It was what alcohol was doing to me physically when the real problem completely caught me off guard. I awoke one morning about two months ago while experiencing a severe panic attack. Of course, since I had never experienced such an event previously, I began to wonder if I was having a stroke or a heart attack, for my blood pressure and heart rate rose to astronomical levels, all while experiencing lightheadedness, chest pain, and shortness of breath. It was undoubtedly the most frightening experience of my life. Needless to say, I went to our local medical clinic to see our family doctor, and after numerous cardiac and blood tests, he concluded that there was nothing seriously wrong with me other than that I was experiencing anxiety issues due to my prolonged drinking.

Long story short, I quit drinking that very same day and haven't looked back. I had no plan to stop, but I strongly felt if I wanted to remain healthy while being able to live my life to its fullest, quitting drinking was an absolute must. Another incident happened to me about three weeks later when I was shoveling snow just after a heavy snowstorm. I once again had a severe panic attack, but this time I thought for certain it was a heart issue. I had the same symptoms, but this time I nearly passed out. As a result, I ended up in the ER with a two-day hospital visit as well. Again, the doctors concluded that I was essentially healthy from a cardiac standpoint but that my past history of heavy drinking combined with over-exertion could've killed me.

I guess my point is that alcohol not only has the potential to attack an unsuspecting victim from a mental standpoint, but it can create a lot of havoc physically, too. It appears as though I was mostly affected in my central nervous system - for I'm still feeling symptoms after eight weeks - but we can never rule out other ailments such as liver, kidneys, or countless other issues.

If you're drinking an average of five or six or more drinks per day, not only are these issues likely to arise after prolonged use, but withdrawal symptoms are very likely to occur as well. If you're in doubt, it would be well worth your time to take a couple of weeks away from drinking just to see how your body reacts, but I would seriously consider doing it under a doctor's recommendations, especially when considering how much you're drinking every day. Obviously, the best decision would be to quit drinking entirely, for I strongly believe that there really isn't a single good reason as to why to drink. Yes, we all have dozens of excuses, but no good reasons. Conversely, we do have dozens of good reasons why we'd like to continue living.

Bottom line? If in doubt, quit!

Anyway, sorry for the long post, but that's my 2 cents. I wish you the very best!

JT

LaFemme

Just so I understand correctly ....4-6 drinks is your normal or is it you moderating your drinking? Thanks:-)

Because if that is you moderating it is too much imo. They say menshould drink no more than 2 a night on average....women 1...lol....I don't think I ever had just 1

CarolD

Welcome....

I happen to be an AA recovered alcoholic from a non drinking family but...
I've yet to meet an adult who said they were pleased and
proud that their parents drank.

Perhaps remembering your childhood will be a catylist for change.
I certainly hope so....

All my best to you and your son