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went to town today

Old 03-30-2011, 10:42 AM
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went to town today

this is a story about codependency

using 'in the hoop' stuff i knew full well that i was bringing my 'hoop' into situations where i would feel it under attack but well i guess i wanted life to be normal.

I have a local bar cafe i want to be able to goto but the staff talk loudly about customers which i have found triggers my anxiety. Still i am not trying to change them just to frequent what is the only posh coffee house in my tragically small town

First off I was going into town to post a cd i had sold on ebay. That was fine. I noticed an old drinking associate in the post office queue but kept my 'hoop' solid and avoided interacting with this guy (cocaine user as well as lager he used to be). Fine all going ok.

Next i wanted to keep my hoop solid but sit down. I find that my housing situation has triggered my anxiety and thus i am ill at ease lots of the time in my local town. The nbeighbour in question has been issued an eviction notice but thats another story

Well the coffeehouse was stressful but i tried not to jump into the first emotional states i felt and after practicing my mudras found myself changing slightly for the better. Still a disappointing draining trip though.

Next to subway where I met a noticeably well spirited young man that seemed very genuine and with some experience in addiction recovery, i explained to him about my codependency.

Next I met my cousins partner who just happened to randomly come into the subwayt place. He was eager to interact and so I told him i am off the sauce nearly 3 months - he was pleasant to my face but in this town well people tend to be 2 faced. He reminded my how i will have to face my extended family and just how much of i job i have to recover from my bottom xmas day [where i argued over the xmas dinner infront of my favourite elderly relative]

I am definitely improving but whoagh not liking my local town and feel like i am in the middle of a storm
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Old 03-30-2011, 02:14 PM
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Just try and focus on the improving bit Kevin - no one runs a marathon straight off...just take it day by day.

Have you considered counselling for some of your issues? That might be another option?

D
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Old 03-30-2011, 03:43 PM
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It's good that you came here to tell about what happened. There are so many adjustments to make in the beginning - but it all gets better, kevin, that's a promise.
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Old 03-30-2011, 03:55 PM
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thanks D I have had counseling before. I am going to change my doctor because my current one has a very inflexible appointments booking process. I have had counseling before and yes this is perhaps something my doctor could interface with but today i was still wheezing and such so have really been prevented seeing a doctor outside of making an emergency call due to being influenza contagious....yes ive had it 6 days now. bummer. its going though. can walk about now and not feel cold. dont think i sneezed today but esophagus still healing etc. frankly i dont see myself going until monday atleast since friday i may still have the dregs of flu.

Also my current surgery are really rubbish

I have managed to use flu as a reason not to see my sister today though - which im glad at as i am not in a healthy relationship with her and my nephew - i go out of perceived necessity compassion obligation / fear and thats no way to be.

I can only work for and pray my life improves, i am doing work mentally and spiritually aswell as a little bit of hand yoga but i agree yes i am improving. i just get scared and feel like a) nobody appreciates me and b) hang on why do i crave appreciation anyway

im in transition i think D matey i could well change [or not] after waking up tomorrow - i guess i miss someone to tell me all is ok - the reading from codependent no more is brilliant but im finding it so radical tonight i feel like ok i must take a break because im all changed as much as i can without losing me a bit or so - i think i used alcohol as a retart button on my brain and without it my brain can keep whizzing
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Old 03-30-2011, 04:40 PM
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My brain used to whizz too - but I worked hard to try and take things a day at a time - and to let go those things I couldn't do anything about or weren't my business.

It's a skill - and learning any skill takes time and continued effort, Kevin...and patience too.

You're already OK...look at where you started from
D
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Old 03-30-2011, 08:14 PM
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Kevin..not sure what it is about your posts but I always want to read them! I think you are sincere and you really try hard. I too live in a tragically small town! I don't know how many live in yours but our population is 3200..wtf..I lived in St. Louis..then Denver..so you can imagine my adjustment! Everyone knows everyone..and is in each others business. Anyway..I hope you get to feeling good about being out and about. I think you would make a really good friend to someone! Hang in there. You are doing a good job...
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