ste

I have seen a few references to a 13th stepper, but no description. I can only imagine, but would rather not. Sounds derogatory,could someone explain please?

doggonecarl

I understand it to refer to AA/NA members (usually male) who prey on vulnerable newcomers. Someone who uses meetings as a pickup joint.

Sugah

It's a combination of the 1st & 12th step: My life is unmanageable; let me share it with you.

The term refers to taking advantage of the newcomer by someone who should know better. Not just in sexual matters.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

yeahgr8

Its any AA member that tries to or have sexual relations with a newcomer...women do it as much as men...

Its basically one screwed up person trying to screw another screwed up person and re-enforces the fact that to change our old behaviour we have to take certain steps and do certain work to recover...just because someone has stopped drinking alone does not make them a great person by magic!

ste

Maybe (or of course) they rationalize they are "saving" that person. Delusional, and a disservice, to say the least, to all involved.

Supercrew

Or maybe it's just a lonely guy who wants a date.

ACT10Npack

Most likely they are doing it just to get some action. They know that person is in a bad place in their life and they use that to get some. The guy maybe lonely but they know how that person feel and uses it to get some. That's how I see it.

vida

It is best to always keep in mind not everyone at the table in a meeting is there for recovery. Just like a priest, or counselor, or such a title not always guarantees behavior in accord to that title. Keep your street smarts !

LexieCat

Sugah,

I never heard the 1st plus 12th Step way of explaining it--love it!

Ste, the key component is that it's someone with some time taking advantage of the newcomer's vulnerabilities. When we first get sober our compasses are all out of whack, and it can really mess with someone's early efforts to stay sober.

EmeraldRose

Ahhh...so that explains my situation with that guy in rehab! LMAO NOW it makes sense.
Love these explanations...!

LosingmyMisery

I was in AA to get sober. I was not to be anyone's date, girlfriend, or wife to be. I very much resented anyone who took advantage of the opportunity. It happened to me and was very difficult added to an already difficult situation. It was an "oldtimer" who knew better. Please...to anyone out there, focus on recovery not a new relationship. I was lucky I didn't go running for the hills. I wanted to, but wanted to get sober more so I stuck it out.

LexieCat

Well,

The guy from rehab wasn't exactly 13th stepping (which involves the person with time taking advantage of the newcomer). He was just plain hittin' on you! It's STILL not a good idea in early sobriety. I've heard of a lot of newbie romances that end up on the rocks, with both people relapsing.

EmeraldRose

May I add...it wasn't his first time in rehab?! LOL
But in any case...I didn't fall for the bait and I hope others think twice about themselves in AA or any group where you're raw and vulnerable.

ReadyAndAble

What if a fella was OK with being preyed upon?

Just, you know, hypothetically.

Dee74

People enter into relationships all the time in recovery...I've seen it here and I'm sure it's the same in the rooms...

But there's always an element of exploitation and preying on the vulnerable in the 13th stepping term as I've heard it used.

It's not a normal relationship....it's being predatory, and I don't think anybody can really think that's ever anything but reprehensible.

D

Hooped

I went to a meeting a while back where a guy actually talked about 13th stepping. He said it was a despicable thing to do, a real no no. I have a feeling he was directing his remarks to particular people....myself I having a hard time getting past step 1 let alone make it to 13...jeesh.

ReadyAndAble

For the record, I said being preyed upon, not doing the preying. It was meant to be satirical. I don't really consider myself vulnerable or likely to be exploited.

In any event, everyone is safe. I'm not in AA.

CarolD

Any AA member who engages in predatory behavior
in or out of the rooms....regardless of sober time claimed

is not working or living the AA program

I was not naive when I quit drinking ...I could spot those slimey jerks
anywhere I saw them operate
They sit too close...touch you and usually smell of cheap scent.

yeahgr8

Ah this is like looking at a boy of 12 complaining about being molested by his female teacher and being amazed that he wasn't enjoying it...although this sounds like most 12 year olds fantasies the reality is a lot different and just like 13th stepping it is predatory behaviour by the person, seen to be, with more experience and responsibility...basically preying on anyone vunerable, in AA, for sex is not very condusive for a happy and sober life...

But then again like you said you aren't in AA so you're alright?!

Like Carol said, for this to happen in AA, both parties are as sick as each other and definitely will not be working the program of AA which, just to be clear again, is working the 12 steps to a spiritual awakening and not just going to meetings to chat!

stacylove

That's just sick. The 13th step is the worst step ever! Why I ask why?