Just need someone to listen
MIND OF DESTRUCTIVE TASTE
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 744
Hi Angel. You are in my thoughts as well as I can identify with several things you've said. You've gotten some wonderful advice but I want you to know that you DO deserve it. You must go thru recovery for yourself, as your boyfriend said...and it does speak volumes for how much he cares. I'm so sorry you are having a rough time but we are always here to listen. Hang in there (()) I hope you can find a good therapist to help you work out the underlying issues that you have and hoping one day you will find that peace inside of yourself to find love and respect for yourself, happiness, to heal and know that you deserve it 
-Jess
-Jess
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Portland, Or
Posts: 35
Thank you all... I thought about using again today, mostly because like you've all said it's going to take time and I will need to start showing change in my life before things are going to work between him & me. I actually met someone who lives close to my apt that claims to be a recovering addict... but I got this sick feeling in my stomach that he would get high if he could... and it made me nervous.
I saw my bf today though- twice actually, and as hard as it is I'm starting to see a slight improvement. I just got the call confirming my appointment tomorrow. I'm still nervous, but I do feel a lot of support coming on here. I'm actually at work right now and it's helping me to keep from closing down emotionally.
Thank you especially for the advice on loving myself. I think this is one of, if not my biggest, problems. I have had "father issues" since I was young, as my father had a really bad temper and would sometimes exercise force (nothing too extreme... but he has pushed me and held me down) to get his point across. The thing is that he would always tell me that he loved me, and I guess we had an okay relationship when he wasn't angry... but things just got progressively worse as I got older.
I feel like I seek that male approval because I never really got it from my father... and I have just never really aspired to achieve any of my post-high school dreams. This has made me resent myself more and more... and on top of everything I have medical issues due to my drug usage that has made me really resent myself as well. It's sad that I feel so much compassion for others, but I can't muster the courage to feel compassion for myself. I just keep telling myself one more day... one day at a time. There's always a tomorrow, right?
I saw my bf today though- twice actually, and as hard as it is I'm starting to see a slight improvement. I just got the call confirming my appointment tomorrow. I'm still nervous, but I do feel a lot of support coming on here. I'm actually at work right now and it's helping me to keep from closing down emotionally.
Thank you especially for the advice on loving myself. I think this is one of, if not my biggest, problems. I have had "father issues" since I was young, as my father had a really bad temper and would sometimes exercise force (nothing too extreme... but he has pushed me and held me down) to get his point across. The thing is that he would always tell me that he loved me, and I guess we had an okay relationship when he wasn't angry... but things just got progressively worse as I got older.
I feel like I seek that male approval because I never really got it from my father... and I have just never really aspired to achieve any of my post-high school dreams. This has made me resent myself more and more... and on top of everything I have medical issues due to my drug usage that has made me really resent myself as well. It's sad that I feel so much compassion for others, but I can't muster the courage to feel compassion for myself. I just keep telling myself one more day... one day at a time. There's always a tomorrow, right?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Hi Fallen:
What you have told us sounds like stuff which you might profit by taking up with your counselor. I have no expertise in that area but from what you say it appears that you may well be addicted- to risk! Sounds like something inside you wants to get that adrenaline pumping by putting you in all sorts of risky uncertain, and dangerous situations. A sure recipe for trouble. And the trouble inevitably comes and feeds your self loathing. Maybe your counselor can help you break the vicious cycle. Some folks who are athletically inclined do somewhat the same thing with stuff like "extreme skiing" , parachute jumping off cliffs, or bungee jumping. You may be doing the same thing with sex and drugs. Trouble is that the territory you pick tends to be even more dangerous.
W.
What you have told us sounds like stuff which you might profit by taking up with your counselor. I have no expertise in that area but from what you say it appears that you may well be addicted- to risk! Sounds like something inside you wants to get that adrenaline pumping by putting you in all sorts of risky uncertain, and dangerous situations. A sure recipe for trouble. And the trouble inevitably comes and feeds your self loathing. Maybe your counselor can help you break the vicious cycle. Some folks who are athletically inclined do somewhat the same thing with stuff like "extreme skiing" , parachute jumping off cliffs, or bungee jumping. You may be doing the same thing with sex and drugs. Trouble is that the territory you pick tends to be even more dangerous.
W.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Portland, Or
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by wpainterw 
Hi Fallen:
What you have told us sounds like stuff which you might profit by taking up with your counselor. I have no expertise in that area but from what you say it appears that you may well be addicted- to risk! Sounds like something inside you wants to get that adrenaline pumping by putting you in all sorts of risky uncertain, and dangerous situations. A sure recipe for trouble. And the trouble inevitably comes and feeds your self loathing. Maybe your counselor can help you break the vicious cycle. Some folks who are athletically inclined do somewhat the same thing with stuff like "extreme skiing" , parachute jumping off cliffs, or bungee jumping. You may be doing the same thing with sex and drugs. Trouble is that the territory you pick tends to be even more dangerous.
W.
What you have told us sounds like stuff which you might profit by taking up with your counselor. I have no expertise in that area but from what you say it appears that you may well be addicted- to risk! Sounds like something inside you wants to get that adrenaline pumping by putting you in all sorts of risky uncertain, and dangerous situations. A sure recipe for trouble. And the trouble inevitably comes and feeds your self loathing. Maybe your counselor can help you break the vicious cycle. Some folks who are athletically inclined do somewhat the same thing with stuff like "extreme skiing" , parachute jumping off cliffs, or bungee jumping. You may be doing the same thing with sex and drugs. Trouble is that the territory you pick tends to be even more dangerous.
W.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Hi Fallen!
All this reminds me of the game of "chicken" the adolescents play with cars. Purposely courting danger to see who's going to be the first to "chicken out". It's like something in your mind that's trying to "set you up". Put you in harm's way. And then when you somehow manage to survive the thing says "Got away with it this time, didn't I!" But the thing knows that if you do it enough the odds are against you. Like who would place a bet that in hundreds of spins of a roulette wheel the ball would never rest on the double zero? Sometime it's going to do that and when that happens you're going to be a goner. It's a set up. And this is the addictive part of the personality inviting you to be in harm's way and eventually you're going to do yourself in. It's just a matter of time. The divided (and dangerous!) self. Hope your counselor can shed more light on this than I can. Good luck.
W.
All this reminds me of the game of "chicken" the adolescents play with cars. Purposely courting danger to see who's going to be the first to "chicken out". It's like something in your mind that's trying to "set you up". Put you in harm's way. And then when you somehow manage to survive the thing says "Got away with it this time, didn't I!" But the thing knows that if you do it enough the odds are against you. Like who would place a bet that in hundreds of spins of a roulette wheel the ball would never rest on the double zero? Sometime it's going to do that and when that happens you're going to be a goner. It's a set up. And this is the addictive part of the personality inviting you to be in harm's way and eventually you're going to do yourself in. It's just a matter of time. The divided (and dangerous!) self. Hope your counselor can shed more light on this than I can. Good luck.
W.
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