mesh12121

O.k. so i was doing well(keep reading) havn't drank since wednesday...none to very little shakess and have a 17 yr history of 9 to 12 beers a night and a more recent history of whatever i can(gallons of wine)...i went to 3 meetings yesterday...and all was fine...me and my wife have been taking some time away from each other and she was supposed to spend the night...no i was p!ssed bought a 12 pack got reddy to drink!!!!! I drank one beer...very honest one 12 ounce beer....i don't drink one beer??? The only thing i can figure is guilt for letting the people i have been seeing at meetings down?? why did i do this...anyone know???



Back to day 1.

ReadyAndAble

Because you've been drinking way too much for way too long, and a part of you is ready to quit drinking and start living your life? Maybe you're doing it for yourself, not the folks in meetings? I hope so.

Another part of you is ready to buy a 12-pack the first excuse you get (like your wife not spending the night). That's the part you need to be worrying about.

Good job on the meetings, Mesh. I remember how it is being stuck on the treadmill. Keep it up and put some distance distance between you and that last beer, odaat.

GettingStronger2

Drinking is a coping mechanism. It goes astray in alcoholics, but it is a coping mechanism nonetheless. You have been using alcohol to cope with things for far too long, so it was a natural reflective move on your part. Stress? Disappointment? Fear? Happiness? What do we do, reach for a drink. It is reflexive.

The only way you can stop that, is to treat your disease, so that you no long fall back on the coping mechanism you have. You must learn new ways to deal with emotions, both good and bad.

When you do that, your first thought or action will not be to get a drink.

mesh12121

Hard when it's on every freakin corner...but that's not my problem. I want to quit for me...i just know it's odd that i drank one and crashed? And no. I am not questioning my alcoholic status...step 1 and two were a breeze...i am powerless. guaranteed!!!
I could of lied and said great one more day down!!! I can't...why lie!!!
I have to dissect everything(except for my spelling) and really want to know what this is about?

GettingStronger2

Mesh, i hear you. It sucks. I can't go to the grocery store without being faced with my drug of choice. And it isn't even as easy as avoiding the beer/wine/liquor aisle. They have it displayed everywhere.

Thing is, you treat the disease, and you will not be bothered seeing it anymore.

You can do it, if you are willing.

CarolD

I too returned to drinking after I decided to stop.
I consider it was a "left over" from my active addiction

I started again on Day 1....and kept going forward.
Yes...you too can win over alcohol....

LexieCat

It sure doesn't mean you're miraculously "cured" and will only drink one beer from now on.

It's easy to fall into that belief, though.

Time to refocus.

ste

Some very helpful people here at SR helped me realize I think too much, and I can lie to myself, its called delusion.

You want to dissect it? Peel the layers? You could kill the patient.

Its as simple (and sometimes impossible) as not taking that drink. Then, in a sober fashion, peel those layers carefully, to the root of why you even want to drink.

Until you quit drinking, dissecting your spelling might be more productive. What is this about? YOU!

yoli

I can relate. Friday was very stressful at work. Sometimes when I'm working I think "no wonder I need to drink".

Usually on the way home I would pick up some wine. This time I let myself experience the stress. I drove home very slowly, trying to relax. By the time I got home I didn't feel upset anymore. Be patient and let time take them away.

When you get those lousy feelings just go with them. If you're mad, stressed, disappointed let yourself feel that. It won't kill you, but alcohol will.

Best wishes

Dee74

Hi mesh

most of us returned to drinking...I found it a very sad and soulless experience because I knew it was no answer and it was wrong for me...I dunno, I expect you did too?

I don't think you really need to know tho to keep moving forward.
I think you're far better looking at the factors that caused you to buy the beer in the first place, mesh.

Just be glad you stopped at one.

D

FrothyJay

You said you've been to AA meetings. Hopefully someone there is telling you that you are defenseless against the first drink-- that even sober, we have moments where we just drink anyway. They are baffling, yet they keep happening, despite all our logic and willpower. Only through a spiritual awakening can we find the power to stop.

That is the AA philosophy and program-- not that we harness our collective willpower to not drink.

bellakeller

you're probably getting tired of your own bullsh!t. Happened to me when I began a program of recovery.

mesh12121

So i went out later that day grabbed a bottle of wine and tried to roll my car just so the people around me that see an idiot that relapsed looked like i had a disease...i wanted a broken anything...just to look diseased...as i see me!!! Car didn't roll...complettly screwed the car up but that is secondary...it wasn't a well planned thought i just did it in 2 seconds...spent the night in the hospital.

How many times to i have to say.................day 1???

GettingStronger2

I am sorry to hear this, but well, you said it.. .you have a disease. Question is, you going to work on helping yourself get better, or are you going to stay in the throws of it? Your choice. You can beat it, you never have to have another day 1 again. You never have to do this again.

Hope you are feeling okay. I am glad you did not hurt anyone else and that you seem to be alright.

Question: do you have a sponsor? If so, call. Now. If you don't, get to a meeting and ask someone.

mesh12121

1st off...thank you...2nd it was a split decision to do what i did...i do remember the last thought that went through my head was to make sure noone could get hurt except me...i only wanted to hurt myself but it was truly my 1st suicide attempt and i meant it...i've always said that i'll never have an 'attempt" i will just do it. Luck? i dunno...not even a dui. The cops knew i was drunk...i just left the car and walked away then called them and came back to the car??? Naturally i didn't tell them the whole story.

mesh12121

btw...no i don't have a sponsor...yes i am looking. Meetings lined up til wednesday.

hate2bhere

I have had sooooo many Day 1's its not funny. I don't worry about it any more...I did AA and was sober for 2 years...I went back out. I still haven't been back to AA. I had a very strict (old school) sponsor, but the whole concept of counting days sober is very "goal oriented" in my mind and I have a tendency to hit a goal and CELEBRATE. I get that counting the days is for giving hope to newcomers, but it messed with me bad. Anyway...just keep trying. Don't put to high expectations...just keep it simple and think about the moment...good luck

EmeraldRose

I don't count the days as a goal because my goal is the rest of my life. Counting days to me is simply an achievement and remembering the first day and the reason I quit stays fresh. Never want to go back there again.