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Drank Again

Old 03-27-2011, 02:57 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Hey all. Thanks for all of the messages of support, I am glad that I have SR in my life and it is something that I didn't want to just run away from. It would be easy to just never post again or whatever but I know where I want to get to and I really don't want for much in this life. I like being happy and peaceful. I know what the various reasons are for what got me into that place and so do those close to me. The fact that I'm an alcoholic was never in any doubt for me and my bender was no different to any other of my benders, although I did make the conscious decision to end the torture after a couple of days and I dumped the six beers out, I knew that if I had of drunk one then that would been another day of mental and emotional torture for me and my family. But that is not important as it's easy for somebody like me to drink themselves into blackout and that's the only way it would ever be and I knew that. I feel like I have greater clarity now and have been starkly reminded of a few things that I needed to be reminded of first-hand.

Yeah, I think this has allowed me to gain greater clarity of things which I think will do me a lot of good. It certainly has made me truly apppreciate what I have in my life and how well I'd actually done in my recovery and what I'd achieved. 95% of my recovery was spent in a place of peace and serenity and where I would honestly say I could not really wish to be in a better place in my head. There was no obsession to drink within my sobriety/recovery but for a few months I guess things have been building within me and I felt trapped. I felt like I had nobody to go to with these problems, and they are not related to alcoholism per se. They are individual issues that I have suffered with and I know that a lot of my drinking was to try to mask them. They are things which I will only trust with proffessionals and no way would I trust any of the stuff with somebody off the street. That's something which I did at 9 months sober and got signed off after about 6 weeks because I was doing so well, but over the last few months I think I needed help with certain things and I know that now. I didn't want to ask for help and also I hoped it was stuff that I had beaten. Anyway I certainly haven't lost anything in relation to what I gained in my recovery over the past 21 months and I've got over beating myself up for losing that time and am seeing things in a different way in relation to that now.

What I realised is that feelings of shame, guilt, remorse, sadness, embarassment and many more I simply hadn't felt for 21 months. That is something that I simply don't want back in my life.

That I'm an alcoholic and an addict is not in any doubt for me and never was, rather I just felt stuck and it's hard to describe and felt there was nobody to go to with the stuff I needed to talk about. Well I'm going to bite the bullet again and get this all out.

I certainly have learned a lot from this experience and it will be a part of my journey and will further strengthen my recovery. I experienced such profound peace, serenity and feeling of true happiness in my recovery that I realised that they are where happiness is at and that no chemicals could give me that. I knew that anyway but I guess I just needed to feel it and experience it...

Thanks again SR,

Peace
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Old 03-27-2011, 03:57 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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(((((Neo))))


Tomorrow is a new day

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Old 03-27-2011, 04:12 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Neo you write with so much insight and perception for such a young person. I'm sure that you can do this. I too had mental health issues that needed to be resolved, as well as conventional addiction therapy. The thing is I do think I have pretty good self awareness as well, so I think I can manage things on my own but it doesn't always work. It's difficult for me to ask for help but we really need to. I can really appear as if I have it all together, but part of me still seems very screwed up.

Think carefully before maybe turning your back on AA, it seemed to be benefiting you for a long time - I noticed the very different quality in your posts - and many people use AA in conjunction with mental health therapy. So long as you can keep each type of therapy in its proper place, I think it can work well. I'm sure they will support you again in AA, recovery is a process of growth and learning, good luck on your continuing journey, please keep in regular touch however it unfolds.
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Old 03-27-2011, 04:43 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Hi Neo,
I know you said no tough love, BUT
How the F%$% did you get back after a couple of days?????????????????????
It took me a year and a half!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The other thing is,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I am sorry to say, that you SHOULD eat lots of yummy crap and chocolate and chips and stuff as this will help you. Do as I say now, I am very wise. Ferrero Rocher are there for a reason. Also Reese's and M&Ms.
No, don't argue.
I also must insist on giving you a big slobbery annoying hug.
:ghug3
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Old 03-27-2011, 04:48 PM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Neo! I wish I'd seen this earlier in the day - my heart goes out to you for all that you've been through.

I remember your posts leading up to this - how the warm weather was getting to you, & many of us agreed. You've overcome so many temptations - but this one time it was just too much for you to fight against. Yet you have so much to be proud of, including coming here and talking about what happened.

The last time I went on a binge I was completely out of control. I didn't stop myself the way you did - it lasted 3 wks. I barely made it out alive. After I came out of the fog, I knew I was done - I needed that one last time to prove it to myself. I had more resolve, and less bitterness after that.

You're going to win this war, Neo.
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Old 03-27-2011, 05:05 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Hi there,

It is an awful thing to go back drinking. I hope you bounced back after this setback, glad u didnt go mad on it. I had this happen recently enough and I felt particularly ugly after it- it does pass and you will win, one day at a time like the rest of us!!!
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Old 03-27-2011, 05:50 PM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by NEOMARXIST View Post

I experienced such profound peace, serenity and feeling of true happiness in my recovery that I realised that they are where happiness is at and that no chemicals could give me that.

Peace
Thanks for that quote, Neo, as well as the rest of the post. I really like the association of peace, serenity, and happiness with recovery. Good stuff.
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Old 03-27-2011, 06:37 PM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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Hugs Neo

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Old 03-27-2011, 08:01 PM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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Welcome back, my fellow red. I've missed your posts and wondered where you were. I'm only at day 37 but already have felt moments of complacency, which I know is where the real danger of relapse lies. I have always found your posts on SR very, very helpful, and the one that opened this thread is one of your best in that sense. Thanks comrade, looking forward to more from you.
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Old 03-28-2011, 12:27 AM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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Hey Neo, I havent been around posting much lately, new job, new country etc.
Mate I remember when you first joined and I have seen how much you have grown. Most importantly I have seen true acceptance in you, and I see it again in this share.
Dust yourself off mate and get started again, you can do it.
Marty
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Old 03-28-2011, 12:51 AM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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Hey mate,

I am glad to hear from you. I am really sorry to hear about your recent troubles. You have a keen insight and your posts are really profound, helpful and inspiring. You got some incredible sober time behind you, only to fall down. However, most importantly, you are already back up on your feet and ready to take on the next round. I find you to be very courages and wise to look into getting some help wherever you need it. Mate you are a legend and you will survive this scrape. This is something I have absolute confidence in.

Thanks for being so courageous and bold; it says an awful lot about your character. Learn from the experience, forgive yourself, and then move along. Take care mate, always here for you!!
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Old 03-28-2011, 02:08 AM
  # 52 (permalink)  
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Well done buddy getting straight back on it. You will do fine. It's all part of the process. You've done great so far - this is just a blip.

Because your posts have been with me since I started on here reading this has made me realise that I need to be a lot more grateful for my sobriety.

Thanks for sharing and looking forward to continuing our sobriety together.

Stu.
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Old 03-28-2011, 04:03 AM
  # 53 (permalink)  
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Hey, Neo! Sorry I didn't see your post until now. So, you tripped a little. Those 20+ months you were sober didn't go to waste. You're still so young. Use this experience as a valuable learning tool and get back to working on yourself. You've been and will continue to be an inspiration to me and many others here at SR. Take care!
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Old 03-28-2011, 07:38 AM
  # 54 (permalink)  
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Are you visiting the mental health center at your university? That is what I did last year before I finished college, and I'm so happy that I did. I should have done it my FIRST year of college rather than waiting until the last few months, but it is better late than never. Wherever it is that you are going, congratulations on making the decision. It is extremely hard to admit you need help but it is SO worth it.
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Old 03-28-2011, 09:39 AM
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NEO **{Hug}} stuff happens. I'm impressed with you as usual that you didn't just let the drinking go on and on you stopped and are taking control of yourself and setting about getting the additional help you need. You can conquer your demons and you will.
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Old 03-28-2011, 11:00 AM
  # 56 (permalink)  
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Old 03-28-2011, 06:07 PM
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Glad you're back Neo, you only fail when you quit trying..Thanks for your honesty that takes courage man. You know what to do Neo and that means move forward in your life and get that help you need..Stay with us Neo we need you here..take care of yourself.

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Old 03-28-2011, 07:22 PM
  # 58 (permalink)  
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Glad to hear your back! I also am back to day 1 today. Hang in there.
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Old 03-28-2011, 07:49 PM
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Im glad you are back too Neo ...Ive always found you to be profoundly insightful.

You're not alone....Im on day 0...its like a bad horror movie that never ends.... so lets both try and pick ourselves back up ok?
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Old 03-29-2011, 01:57 AM
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huuuuuuuuuuuugs!
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