family frustrations
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 507
family frustrations
My parents are coming to visit this weekend and my mother has asked for some "mother/daughter time" to discuss the recent events in my life. She really means one event; the 6 week outpatient program I completed on Wednesday.
Here's the thing: I DON'T want to talk about it with her. I don't want to hear, let alone answer, questions like how much and when and any other detail. I don't know why but just thinking about this kind of discussion with her makes me irritable and angry.
However, I feel bad because my mother is also an alcholic and I know she is trying to quit. I heard through the immediate family grapevine that she's not drinking at all right now. I'm sure it's no coincidence. When I told her I was entering a program she said she wished she could do the same. So, I know part of her wanting to talk is about her and not about me.
Still... I don't want to talk about it. My mom and I don't have a close relationship and I feel extremely uncomfortable "pretending" that this heart-to-heart is normal for us. We have spoken on the phone maybe twice since I started outpatient. Both times it was because I called her. She and my father have not one time called me to ask how it's going, my father never even acknowledging that he knew I was going. If I didn't call them, we'd never talk because they do not call me.
Maybe I'm being selfish but I hate feeling forced into a conversation that's too intimate for the relationship we have. It's my constant concern for hurting my mother's feelings that's keeping me from simply telling her I don't want to talk about it.
Any suggestions for how to handle this with as much grace as possible while still feeling that I'm not forcing myself to share details I'd rather not?
Here's the thing: I DON'T want to talk about it with her. I don't want to hear, let alone answer, questions like how much and when and any other detail. I don't know why but just thinking about this kind of discussion with her makes me irritable and angry.
However, I feel bad because my mother is also an alcholic and I know she is trying to quit. I heard through the immediate family grapevine that she's not drinking at all right now. I'm sure it's no coincidence. When I told her I was entering a program she said she wished she could do the same. So, I know part of her wanting to talk is about her and not about me.
Still... I don't want to talk about it. My mom and I don't have a close relationship and I feel extremely uncomfortable "pretending" that this heart-to-heart is normal for us. We have spoken on the phone maybe twice since I started outpatient. Both times it was because I called her. She and my father have not one time called me to ask how it's going, my father never even acknowledging that he knew I was going. If I didn't call them, we'd never talk because they do not call me.
Maybe I'm being selfish but I hate feeling forced into a conversation that's too intimate for the relationship we have. It's my constant concern for hurting my mother's feelings that's keeping me from simply telling her I don't want to talk about it.
Any suggestions for how to handle this with as much grace as possible while still feeling that I'm not forcing myself to share details I'd rather not?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
You're not being selfish at all.
You have a clear picture of what you want and need at this time, and it doesn't involve talking to your mother.
Saying 'No' was a huge part of recovery for me. Sometimes you might hurt someone's feelings, but that doesn't mean you should do things you are not comfortable doing.
You have a clear picture of what you want and need at this time, and it doesn't involve talking to your mother.
Saying 'No' was a huge part of recovery for me. Sometimes you might hurt someone's feelings, but that doesn't mean you should do things you are not comfortable doing.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 232
Originally Posted by silly 
My parents are coming to visit this weekend and my mother has asked for some "mother/daughter time" to discuss the recent events in my life. She really means one event; the 6 week outpatient program I completed on Wednesday.
Here's the thing: I DON'T want to talk about it with her. I don't want to hear, let alone answer, questions like how much and when and any other detail. I don't know why but just thinking about this kind of discussion with her makes me irritable and angry.
However, I feel bad because my mother is also an alcholic and I know she is trying to quit. I heard through the immediate family grapevine that she's not drinking at all right now. I'm sure it's no coincidence. When I told her I was entering a program she said she wished she could do the same. So, I know part of her wanting to talk is about her and not about me.
Still... I don't want to talk about it. My mom and I don't have a close relationship and I feel extremely uncomfortable "pretending" that this heart-to-heart is normal for us. We have spoken on the phone maybe twice since I started outpatient. Both times it was because I called her. She and my father have not one time called me to ask how it's going, my father never even acknowledging that he knew I was going. If I didn't call them, we'd never talk because they do not call me.
Maybe I'm being selfish but I hate feeling forced into a conversation that's too intimate for the relationship we have. It's my constant concern for hurting my mother's feelings that's keeping me from simply telling her I don't want to talk about it.
Any suggestions for how to handle this with as much grace as possible while still feeling that I'm not forcing myself to share details I'd rather not?
Here's the thing: I DON'T want to talk about it with her. I don't want to hear, let alone answer, questions like how much and when and any other detail. I don't know why but just thinking about this kind of discussion with her makes me irritable and angry.
However, I feel bad because my mother is also an alcholic and I know she is trying to quit. I heard through the immediate family grapevine that she's not drinking at all right now. I'm sure it's no coincidence. When I told her I was entering a program she said she wished she could do the same. So, I know part of her wanting to talk is about her and not about me.
Still... I don't want to talk about it. My mom and I don't have a close relationship and I feel extremely uncomfortable "pretending" that this heart-to-heart is normal for us. We have spoken on the phone maybe twice since I started outpatient. Both times it was because I called her. She and my father have not one time called me to ask how it's going, my father never even acknowledging that he knew I was going. If I didn't call them, we'd never talk because they do not call me.
Maybe I'm being selfish but I hate feeling forced into a conversation that's too intimate for the relationship we have. It's my constant concern for hurting my mother's feelings that's keeping me from simply telling her I don't want to talk about it.
Any suggestions for how to handle this with as much grace as possible while still feeling that I'm not forcing myself to share details I'd rather not?
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 873
Maybe you can help her without necessarily going into all of the "heart to heart" emotional stuff. If the conversation wanders into that territory you can say it's not the right time but if she wants some cold hard facts/details about the rehab it might help her.
I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes but I'd want to help just about anyone who was interested in quitting.
I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes but I'd want to help just about anyone who was interested in quitting.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Some good advice here silly.
Like Anna, a huge part of my recovery was saying no, and learning about healthy boundaries.
It's not actually always my job to help people - especially when that may not be terribly healthy for me....sometimes my job is to help myself.
See what happens - if the conversation is about things you don't want to talk about, let her know you're not ready for that.
D
Like Anna, a huge part of my recovery was saying no, and learning about healthy boundaries.
It's not actually always my job to help people - especially when that may not be terribly healthy for me....sometimes my job is to help myself.
See what happens - if the conversation is about things you don't want to talk about, let her know you're not ready for that.
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes but I'd want to help just about anyone who was interested in quitting.[/QUOTE]
I agree with reset, you CAN help her just with your positive attitude about quitting. Show her that it CAN be done, that there is life without booze. You don't have to go into the gory details but just by your body language and a brief explanation of how good you're feeling/doing it might just encourage her.
Think of her as an example of how you would help someone else if you were in an AA situation. Helping others is very therapuedic to the soul.
I agree with reset, you CAN help her just with your positive attitude about quitting. Show her that it CAN be done, that there is life without booze. You don't have to go into the gory details but just by your body language and a brief explanation of how good you're feeling/doing it might just encourage her.
Think of her as an example of how you would help someone else if you were in an AA situation. Helping others is very therapuedic to the soul.
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