EmeraldRose

I'm 55 days sober...life is good and I'm still learning more than ever in rehab with one week to go. I told them last night 'I don't want to leave I like it here'. LOL Counselor says "I got it" now I have to apply it.
But I digress, after rehab we remain in 'after care' once a week. There was a guy in my rehab group that 'graduated' to after care. Last night I walked into the parking lot and he was parked next to me (scared the bajeebies out of me) but asked me out for dinner one night.
Caught off guard I verbally stumbled and really didn't want to make a definate date but did give him my cell number.
I don't really know his drinking or life history and was going to ask my counselor about that. I am not in any way, shape or form ready for a romantic interlude BUT having a 'friend' with a common bond and someone to chat with would be nice. I haven't 'dated' since 1996. LOL
I know AA says not to have a sponsor of the opposite sex because of the vulnerability and difference in feelings but it would be more of a friendship. But I also don't want someone sitting on my couch every night I'm not ready to have to answer to anyone. Husband and I have been separated since last August I like my life.
Any thoughts or ideas on this situation?

TheTinMan

I wouldn't change anything in my life until I had a few more days of sobriety under my belt.

Also I think I've heard in meetings that dating someone else in the program with either have less than a year of sobriety is a bad idea.

Anna

Hi,

It could be good to have a friend, but are you sure his motives are the same as yours?

Good for you for getting through your rehab program and being about to move forward with your life.

Dee74

My advice is cool those heels ER.
You'll likely have more than enough on your plate when you graduate.

I know it may sounds a little cold and even a little selfish but this is a time to work on you - it can be really hard the first few weeks.

Ive seen it here a lot - sometimes having another newly sober buddy can be a problem doubled.

But - it's your life.

If you decide to go with it make it ABUNDANTLY clear at the outset that your boundaries are strictly friendship orientated, and make sure his expectations match yours.

D

EmeraldRose

Absolutely understandable Dee. I was on the fence -but going with the gut...thinking that waiting would be smart!

CarolD

It's my experience....women make better recovery friends
because we talk more openly about life.....

We also see things differently than men all the way around.
JMO

EmeraldRose

This is true...but I don't know alot of women from my area yet since my rehab is almost 40 mile away and most of those girls wouldn't make an influencual friend I'm afraid.
I do have one 'female sobriety friend' but when she calls I can't get a word in edgewise. LOL It's not a supportive relationship from my side.
I'm new...it will take time but I know someone will cross my path.

I respect what Dee said about doubling the problems...that I do not need right now.

TenNinetySix

You get computers in your Rehab??? DANG GIRL!

As for the guy, what Dee said. This is the time when it's OKAY to be selfish & it is absolutely essential to enforce those boundaries & I don't know about you, but that was not something I was good at while drinking & I still wasn't very good at it 55 days sober. Took months of learning myself & learning who I really was~~ which I'd never known until I was sober~~ to be okay with saying no & setting limits & not being easily manipulated or guilt tripped.

Snarf

I can understand how you would want to be around people who are also in recovery, because we all can help one another. Personally, I tended to gravitate toward the people who had a bit of alcohol-free time, because I was trying to learn from those who had been where I had been and gotten out of that place. I honestly wasn't too interested in hanging out with folks who were new to recovery, because as Dee said, I thought it might make the situation more difficult on both of us. Plus, what was I going to learn from someone who had recently been drinking and may have been as screwy as I was? My brain was jacked up for months after I stopped drinking.

But I agree with Dee: If you decide to try to strike up a friendship with this fellow, you should make it VERY clear, in no uncertain terms, that you are not interested in any romantic involvement. If you get the hint that this guy has something else up his sleeve, it would probably be best to avoid that situation entirely.

Guess I'm saying, tread lightly. It seems like it could possibly be a tricky situation. I tended to avoid tricky situations early in my recovery, and it worked so well that I continue to do so a year later.

yeahgr8

Follow the advice you have already been given which is no romantic relations in the first year...

The reason AA say not to get a sponsor of the opposite sex is because newcomers are very vunerable and their emotional compass is all over the place...

Anyways you have been told all this i am certain so i wish you the best with whatever decision you make and look forward to hearing more about your journey in recovery:-)

EmeraldRose

[QUOTE=TenNinetySix;2909026] You get computers in your Rehab??? DANG GIRL!

QUOTE]

Computers in rehab? Who said that? LOL
Like I said, I'm gonna go with my gut...I don't need 'his' problems AND mine. LOL I don't know his history and he might be a bad unfluence on my good intentions in sobriety. Dooooon't need that!!

aasharon90

If you decide to go for lunch and coffee
begin with honest intentions.

I was separated when I went to a new AA
meeting without intentions of looking for
a new relationship. At that meeting was a
man I had only seen once before in a fleeting
moment.

In chatting outside about my new job at the
bakery i handed out several cards and invited
members to come by to visit.

On one card I wrote my phone number to
this new comer to call me with intentions of
help with his recovery program.

That evening he did call and we chatted and
decided to go for lunch one day. More phone
chats and emails and we got to know each
others lives before during and after alcohol.

We learned we both were from long termed
marriages, mine in a divorce and his deseased.
We both had spiritual values, work, recovery
and simplicity of life.

My divorce finalized and my new found gift in
recovery married. That was 2 yrs ago as we still
remember vividly how our HP placed both of us
in the right place at the right time to meet.

It still amazes me how neither one of us had ever
been to that saturday morning AA meeting that very
day in September. That our lives were meant to meet
and come together with a common purpose.

We are happily married living and loving life happy
joyous and free with a solid recovery foundation that
it is built upon. Riding together on our Harley taking
trips and being open honest and trusting in all our
affairs.

Our HP could and would if He was sought. And He did.

EmeraldRose

That's an awesome story Sharon. It is amazing how people can be placed in our path. I am so happy for you that you two found each other in such a way.

I bumped this because I had a phone call this morning....he asked me again if I wanted to go for dinner -or something?! I told him again that my son was home on leave and I wasn't planning anything in the next week.
He says Well, its not like we're going out to get drunk or anything. (???)
Then he askes about me not having any DIU's and askes how serious am I about this sober stuff.
WHAT? How serious am I? The whole rest of my life depends upon it.
I talked to my Mom about it, too, and she said the same thing that most every one here said...I need to be selfish and take care of me. I didn't do 6 weeks of rehab to ADD to my problems. He was court ordered to go to the rehab...I went on my own accord. There IS a difference and I'm thinking he wasn't quite ready and what does his future hold?! I feel bad for him but I have to learn how to say no and that I can't save the world. I have enough on my plate right now.

suki44883

Yeah, it doesn't sound like he's very serious about living sober, so I think you're better off just nipping this in the bud. Who needs the aggravation?

LexieCat

Yup, complication you don't need right now.

Keep taking good care of yourself.

Sara1956

Go with your gut

Zebra1275

Tell him to give you a call . . . next year at this time.

Pete55

Court ordered ?
hmm..., I think mum knows best ER!

Boleo

Don't let the word "Graduated" influence you too much. His chance's of staying sober are no better or worse than anyone else.

EmeraldRose

That's why I put the little quotation thingy's around it. LOL It's only going from point A to point B -if the mindset isn't changed the habits won't change either.
I don't need him lessening MY chances.