Methods or meds to stop my paranoia?
 

Just tried to go out in daylight for the first time in a week. I put my hood up, a scalve around my face, did my jacket right up and wore some glasses. Seriously, it isn't that cold here, my parents think I am just being immature and trying to dress different. God knows what the neighbours think, infact they know I am crazy after years of being ridiculous when drunk.
Anyway I feel slightly less open to attack when in disguise although I am not stupid enough to think it does disguise me.
I walked to the wooded area, head down double time, got to the gate to enter the field, saw some strangers quite a distance away, but coming my direction, did an about turn and literally ran home, ran upstairs and have closed the blinds and am under the covers in my bed.
I need to get my head out of this people are going to get me mode. Inside I know no one is going to hurt me, but possibly confront me with a hello or heavens forbid and conversation of some kind.
Does anyone have any words that will get through to my inner self that can shake this pathetic little boy I have inside me out and start thinking like a man and father figure I am supposed to be. I'm embarrassed of myself I am so pathetic.
Wise Direct words welcome.

Short of walking naked outside or standing in the back of elevators facing the wall, amazingly enough NOBODY CARES who you are out in public, unless you are acting in a threatening manner, or appear to be out of control as when drunk.

If you live in a teeny little town, people may know you and be apprehensive if you've been out and out of control.

Short of that, though, people respond to you only by your actions in public. We are all surprisingly invisible.

I found this out big time when I first started taking public transportation when gas prices got so high. After awhile, you can begin to enjoy "people watching" -- i.e, the OTHER people who you may notice acting weird or strange, who are no longer YOU.

Some of us find that when we quit drinking, we have other issues that need to be addressed. Sometimes we need the help of a professional - I had to get help with ongoing depression, OCD, and ADD. The worst thing we can do, of course, is to add alcohol to the mix.......

With things that provoke a lot of fear in us, it helps to take baby steps. You went outside today - so you took the first step. Feel good about that. Maybe tomorrow you can do it again and add something to it, like taking off the sunglasses. Make a goal (like "I won't run when I see a stranger") and work towards that.

You can keep a journal of your progress, too. Write down your feelings and any victories you have.

Remember that F.E.A.R. is "False Evidence Appearing Real." Recognize that just because you're afraid doesn't mean something bad will happen.

Prayers and hugs.......

There was a time when I was loathe to show my face in public. I'd been all over the local news and on the front page of the papers because of a DUI accident, and since I'd had my license yanked, had no choice but to use public transit and confront the masses on a daily basis. It was terrifying and each time I stepped foot into a public space, I assumed everyone knew who I was and hated me. And I actually was recognized once or twice by strangers early on, but that was the worst of it. If nothing else, people out and about in the daylight hours are generally quite civil unless given immediate reason not to be. And I actually made the situation much worse by building up the threat in my mind and hiding inside of my house for months fending off imagined threats. It can also be helpful to find someone who'll accompany you the first few times out.

I tend to forget that agoraphobia is not based on rational fear.

I agree with the above posters that it would be great to have someone with you the first few times out.

Every time you go out, it builds confidence. Make it a short trip, go in a store, buy something, and leave. Do it again. It will start to feel more natural.

Some people are put on SSRI's and other meds to help with these kinds of fears, and feeling paranoid and vulnerable are probably among the most common ones addressed.

Good luck -- you can do it. In fact, it's kind of fun to play with people after you get more confident. Catching someone's else's eye and smiling, for example. People are often surprised by the "recognition" because, as I said above, we are all surprisingly "invisible" in crowds.

Just think of the naked guy on the bicycle wearing the Viking helmet with horns on it, out to get the maximum attention possible, and usually arrest. Imagine everybody else naked in the store. It will make you feel less vulnerable. Look, even the President takes a crap. Ha!

Scrub,

It sounds like you have a lot of issues that are bothering you, a lot.

Can you somehow hook up with a therapist who deals with dual diagnosis (addiction and mental illness)? The cutting and paranoia are not usual accompaniments to addiction. A little passing paranoia (worrying that people are talking about how you look or act when you are drinking/using) might be, but yours seems to go a bit beyond that.

I know several people with dual diagnoses who are getting effective help with their addictions and their mental illnesses. It isn't easy, but it can be done. They are living happy lives now.

Please look into it.

Unfortunately I have little faith in mental therapy since my CPN ran away with my partner and child. I can't imagine I could ever again tell someone the things I confided in him, only to tell others around me.

I think I'm on the brink of a blow out now, I'm not sure when, how or what, but I am getting cornered, feeling very claustrophobic of myself but unable to find myself any space because I'm so agoraphobic, it's pushing me into a dark place where I'm not in complete control of my other me.

Geez. I would feel that same way, too. That's downright unethical if not illegal.

Sounds like you have a LOT to heal from. Hang in there.

Nah, I'm kinda over that I think, it was years ago, but it doesn't exactly reinforce my confidence in these people.

I also recommend professional help Scrub. Things like agrophobia and paranoia are very real when we feel them.

I know you have issues over this CPN but you can't hold the whole mental health professional accountable....and I suggest you get a referral to a qualified professional anyway, not just a nurse.

D

Yes, please do reach out for professional help with the issues. It's horrible that you were betrayed before, but don't let that prevent you from taking care of yourself now. And, please don't call yourself pathetic. There is help for you with therapy and/or medication so that you can learn to live a more peaceful life.