I started again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
Posts: 135
I started again
119 days sober. 36. Working. Productive.
I always wake up grateful now. I think it's the first thought in my head when I get up. I think - "Glad I'm not hungover." I don't even think about the cigarettes first thing anymore either. That is awesome.
I shake my head thinking about how my days used to be. The self loathing. The hate. I think I was a little suicidal now. I never talked about it or anything like that but I think it was there. Lurking underneath my thoughts. Other wise how do you explain the amounts I drank. They were suicidal amounts certainly.
I still struggle. Everyday I think about having a drink. What is scary is once in a while I think about getting really messed up, "to relax," or "to reward myself."
In the past I would have found myself at the liquor store buying copious amounts of stupid juice. Now I am able to fend those thoughts away after a short struggle. I drink coffee now. LOTS OF COFFEE. lol. I also play a lot of Xbox. Someone on SR told me in my early days it was expensive to buy the games but better that than the cost of the booze and those other costs. You know the costs that are not money.
Things I've gotten back since I quit:
Financial stability
Sense of optimism
sense of hope
Some pride
Determination
Control of my life
What I lost:
Fear
Hate
A lot of sadness (still have some)
Self loathing
Hatred of other people
Sense the world was my enemy
One of the strangest things is my physical self. I never really could tell what was me having aches and pains or colds before I quit drinking. Now that it's been four months I know that when I have a headache or a sniffle that's me. Not the booze or cigarettes...It's hard to describe what that means. I'm in touch with my physical self again? I think that's what I mean.
Anyway. I'm grateful. I start a new job on Wednesday and I just sold my house. My online business is doing really great as well. Lots going on. I'm actually starting to feel like a little bit of a victim of my own success.
Thanks for being there SR
Good luck on your own personal journeys.
I always wake up grateful now. I think it's the first thought in my head when I get up. I think - "Glad I'm not hungover." I don't even think about the cigarettes first thing anymore either. That is awesome.
I shake my head thinking about how my days used to be. The self loathing. The hate. I think I was a little suicidal now. I never talked about it or anything like that but I think it was there. Lurking underneath my thoughts. Other wise how do you explain the amounts I drank. They were suicidal amounts certainly.
I still struggle. Everyday I think about having a drink. What is scary is once in a while I think about getting really messed up, "to relax," or "to reward myself."
In the past I would have found myself at the liquor store buying copious amounts of stupid juice. Now I am able to fend those thoughts away after a short struggle. I drink coffee now. LOTS OF COFFEE. lol. I also play a lot of Xbox. Someone on SR told me in my early days it was expensive to buy the games but better that than the cost of the booze and those other costs. You know the costs that are not money.
Things I've gotten back since I quit:
Financial stability
Sense of optimism
sense of hope
Some pride
Determination
Control of my life
What I lost:
Fear
Hate
A lot of sadness (still have some)
Self loathing
Hatred of other people
Sense the world was my enemy
One of the strangest things is my physical self. I never really could tell what was me having aches and pains or colds before I quit drinking. Now that it's been four months I know that when I have a headache or a sniffle that's me. Not the booze or cigarettes...It's hard to describe what that means. I'm in touch with my physical self again? I think that's what I mean.
Anyway. I'm grateful. I start a new job on Wednesday and I just sold my house. My online business is doing really great as well. Lots going on. I'm actually starting to feel like a little bit of a victim of my own success.
Thanks for being there SR
Good luck on your own personal journeys.
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