I should change my name to "Waffle"
 

Because that's what I seem to do. Go a week without, without too much difficulty, then buy a bottle (knowing better but still making the personal choice to do so), then drinking for a week or two, wash, rinse, repeat..... How to get out of this ugly cycle?!!

..Mike

Been there, done that. Over and over my friend! 11 years worth. I might as well of been in prison. The only thing that saved me was this board and AA. I was asked once what my "trigger" was. What made me turn to alcohol? Uhhhh breathing? sunshine? nighttime? I craved it constantly. I never needed a bad day, good day, holiday, superbowl...it was a constant craving. you can do this. Take an hour out from drinking and go to an AA meeting.

So common, my friend...I did this for years, and am only on Day 7. I just cant handle how I feel, inside and out anymore. Horrible cycle. I thought too about having a glass of wine last night, but quickly put it out of my mind. Hang in there...

There's only one way out of the cycle, man - and you know what it is.
Don't buy that bottle.

It's simple, but it's not easy.

If you can't manage that on your own - you owe it to yourself to find some kind of support, throw yourself into it, and use it until you find it second nature to not buy that bottle...and you're happy with the choice.

I kept doing the same thing over and over because I could.
Eventually I couldn't anymore. You don't want to follow me to that point.

If you really want to quit, no amount of effort is a chore.
Nothing changes if nothing changes, Mike.

D

I'm right there with you, Burning, except I haven't given in yet....the last couple of days I feel like I've been white-knuckling it. Okla is right, get to a meeting, that's the only thing that's helped me so far, that and staying here, sometimes all day if I need to.

Maybe you can consider the idea that you're not making a personal choice to do so. I know it seems like that. All the actions involved, going to the store, buying a bottle, unscrewing the cap, all of that. It seems like a personal choice. But the facts are, you made a personal choice to not do so. And you still went and got that bottle.

That was when the idea of powerlessness started to hit home with me. I'd keep making that decision to not drink, but I'd always end up drunk. Maybe it wasn't a choice after all. I started to look exactly how AA describes. Repeating that cycle over and over.

Yeah, as Dee said, there's only one way out of the cycle.

Don't buy the bottle.

It's that easy and it's that hard.

Double thank you Keithj, that hit home for me.

This is exactly how I am feeling today as well- I am so surprised at myself because I was doing so well and now am back to day 1. Why I keep doing the same thing is just baffling.

At rehab we were talking about WHY we drank...the viscious cycle and how to get off the merry go round.
I said what Dee said "Because I could". After drinking 30 years...Didn't matter what day...Monday morning, Lunch time, Thursday night, because the sun was shining...because the day of the week ended in Y.
But all those feelings and the cycle 'could' have been stopped if I just didn't go to the store. Period. It was MY fault. I made a conscious decision to get in the car and buy more...I should have been making a conscious decision NOT to drink. But I didn't...I know how hard it is.
52 days ago I poured the rest of the bottle down the sink and quit. No one said it was easy but its necessary to be happy and live a sober life.
Change it up...climb outside the box, do something different, take a drive, go somewhere new. Most guys like the Home Improvement type stores...its Sunday, go buy some manly tools and biuld something massive. LOL

Thank you Dee for that message. I _Need_ to hear those kinds of things over and over (my skull is rather thick :-). I cannot count the number of "self help" books I've read (always when 100% sober) on this topic, and they always motivate me... Until I finish the last page. Sigh, going to take everything I read here to heart and get out of this absurd, drama filled cycle. Middle of next month, my wife and I are taking a 2 week cruise with a couple of other good friends. When my wife is around me, it's almost casual not to drink. Due to yearly health issues (my wife spent 2 years in a wheel chair half paralyzed due to a doctors error, at least she can walk now), this will be our first vacation away anywhere since 2005! There will of course be alcohol on the boat but I will be with 3 other people 24x7 who don't drink.

Again tho Dee (and all the others who replied here), thanks for your words and support, both are greatly appreciated!

...Mike

Do do something, mate.

You could have several weeks of really good recovery under your belt before you go on the cruise....;)

D