What do you do when your spouse doesn't think you have a problem?
On my way....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 326
What do you do when your spouse doesn't think you have a problem?
After much talking to my DH tonight on the way home from puppy's class, he still doesn't think that I have a real problem. I told him that I read here that if you think you have a problem, more than likely you do. I accessed some websites that have warning signs, and checklists to show you if you might be an alcoholic and showed him. I still think he isn't convinced. That addict side of my keeps saying that maybe I'm not that bad, he doesn't think so.....maybe I can handle myself. Thank God that I'm plugging my ears and not listening to that voice in my head.
Does anyone have any advice for me?
Does anyone have any advice for me?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
Many times, our loved ones don't want to admit that we may have a problem because it then forces them to look at themselves and their drinking. When it comes right down to it, it doesn't matter what your husband thinks, it only matters what you think. You know whether or not alcohol has caused problems for you. You know whether or not you can stop after one or two drinks and not want more. You know how alcohol makes you feel, both while drinking and the next day. If you feel that alcohol is a problem for you, then get help, regardless of what your husband thinks.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
For people who don't have the obsession/compulsion to drink, it's hard to understand how we can have a problem, unless we're falling down drunk all the time.
I didn't often get that drunk - my children only commented once or twice (saying "I can tell you had a drink, mom"). No one would have known from looking at my "outsides" - but my "insides" knew!
Maybe he's trying to be reassuring so that you don't get upset..... or maybe he really doesn't think there's an issue. In any case, it's not uncommon for others to downplay the issue, because they're not us...... I've read so many posts where spouses or friends have said "it's no big deal - just drink less!"
Just do what you know is best for you - I'm sure your husband will be supportive if he sees that you are happier (unless he's losing his best drinking buddy, which would be another issue!)
Hang in there Rachel!!!! :ghug3
I didn't often get that drunk - my children only commented once or twice (saying "I can tell you had a drink, mom"). No one would have known from looking at my "outsides" - but my "insides" knew!
Maybe he's trying to be reassuring so that you don't get upset..... or maybe he really doesn't think there's an issue. In any case, it's not uncommon for others to downplay the issue, because they're not us...... I've read so many posts where spouses or friends have said "it's no big deal - just drink less!"
Just do what you know is best for you - I'm sure your husband will be supportive if he sees that you are happier (unless he's losing his best drinking buddy, which would be another issue!)
Hang in there Rachel!!!! :ghug3
On my way....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 326
You're absolutely right. I know I have a problem, I've known for years but just didn't do anything about it. He thinks alcoholics are people who drink all day, don't hold a job, etc., I think part of him doesn't want to admit that I have a problem. I guess, in the end it doesn't matter, I'm not drinking, and I'm going to work on myself emotionally. Like I told him, even if I'm not an alcoholic (which I am), not drinking never hurt anyone.....drinking can and does.
On my way....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 326
Artsoul, no, he's the type that can have a couple and quit, he actually hates the feeling of a buzz. Never understood that. (j/k) I've only heard, "just drink less" or "just have two and quit". (What's that mean?? lol) a 1000 times. I've explained to him over the years many times that it's not that easy for me.....once I get that one beer in me it's game on. I won't even start drinking unless I have more than I would ever drink at the house. Oh well, like I said it doesn't matter as long as I'm not drinking. But, he's not as supportive as I would like because he doesn't think there's a problem in the first place.
I cried most of the way home tonight, my emotions are all over the place, one minute I feel euphoric about this, the next I just know I won't be able to do it.
I cried most of the way home tonight, my emotions are all over the place, one minute I feel euphoric about this, the next I just know I won't be able to do it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
Well look at it this way, at least your spouse isn't threatening to leave you and you don't think you have an alcohol problem.
My sister in law came to visit today, and her husband is an alcoholic with medical issues and the whole nine yards. She has been pleading with him to stop, yet he is in the bar everyday. I used to drink alot with this guy, and we used to compare notes, and he was pretty close to me if not worse, but he wasn't ready to throw in the towel.
She let my wife know that their 10 year marriage, and they have kids together, is basically over. I sympathize with you, but you know what you need to do, and that's what the issue is. This poor sap doesn't want to quit and it's ruining his life. Be grateful, and you have support here.
My sister in law came to visit today, and her husband is an alcoholic with medical issues and the whole nine yards. She has been pleading with him to stop, yet he is in the bar everyday. I used to drink alot with this guy, and we used to compare notes, and he was pretty close to me if not worse, but he wasn't ready to throw in the towel.
She let my wife know that their 10 year marriage, and they have kids together, is basically over. I sympathize with you, but you know what you need to do, and that's what the issue is. This poor sap doesn't want to quit and it's ruining his life. Be grateful, and you have support here.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I cried most of the way home tonight, my emotions are all over the place, one minute I feel euphoric about this, the next I just know I won't be able to do it.
All you have to do is get through the rest of the day one minute at a time. I actually stayed in bed for 2 days (glued to this place), because everything was just so overwhelming. If anyone would have asked why, I would have told them I had some kind of flu.
It really will get better. Get a good vitamin B complex, if you haven't already. :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 30
Rachel-
Your story is similar to mine.
Like you my wife had no idea. She drinks, but certainly isn't an abuser. Part of it, at least for me, is that my particular way of drinking involved staying up late alone and drinking until nothing was left to drink or I was plastered. I wasn't an every day drinker but when I binged I binged hard.
Anyways after talking with her initially her reaction was essentially like your husband's. I went on to describe exactly what I mentally go through, (pretty much like you have).
Eventually what I said (and what I truly believe) was this "Look, I don't know if you would label me an 'alcoholic' or not. What I know is that I cannot stop drinking once I start, and my life is better without alcohol, and I think my life will be better if I stop drinking alcohol entirely". Your husband may find this easier to accept. It really captures all the important ideas without the stigmatized label.
That's all that matters isn't it? Like ArtSoul said before (edit:SUKI mentioned this too! great advice!) (and if memory serves ArtSoul also said to me on my first thread -You are awesome, Artsoul!
) if YOU think you have a problem with alcohol, then its a problem!
Some people have a hard time accepting others as alcoholics because there is a pre-conceived notion (amongst some) that you "can't" be an alcoholic if you haven't killed someone/ wrecked a car/ had a bunch of DUI's/ etc.
Why not? Someone very perceptively mentioned to me on this site that there are different types of alcoholics. Not everyone needs to kill someone to hit a spectacular "rock bottom" Some have "high" bottom and some have a "low" bottom. For those of us that know we have a problem, there is no reason to continue with the destructive lifestyle.
Your story is similar to mine.
Like you my wife had no idea. She drinks, but certainly isn't an abuser. Part of it, at least for me, is that my particular way of drinking involved staying up late alone and drinking until nothing was left to drink or I was plastered. I wasn't an every day drinker but when I binged I binged hard.
Anyways after talking with her initially her reaction was essentially like your husband's. I went on to describe exactly what I mentally go through, (pretty much like you have).
Eventually what I said (and what I truly believe) was this "Look, I don't know if you would label me an 'alcoholic' or not. What I know is that I cannot stop drinking once I start, and my life is better without alcohol, and I think my life will be better if I stop drinking alcohol entirely". Your husband may find this easier to accept. It really captures all the important ideas without the stigmatized label.
That's all that matters isn't it? Like ArtSoul said before (edit:SUKI mentioned this too! great advice!) (and if memory serves ArtSoul also said to me on my first thread -You are awesome, Artsoul!
) if YOU think you have a problem with alcohol, then its a problem!Some people have a hard time accepting others as alcoholics because there is a pre-conceived notion (amongst some) that you "can't" be an alcoholic if you haven't killed someone/ wrecked a car/ had a bunch of DUI's/ etc.
Why not? Someone very perceptively mentioned to me on this site that there are different types of alcoholics. Not everyone needs to kill someone to hit a spectacular "rock bottom" Some have "high" bottom and some have a "low" bottom. For those of us that know we have a problem, there is no reason to continue with the destructive lifestyle.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
Sounds like you are in a good place. I originally thought that perhaps he was afraid of losing a drinking buddy because that was what happened to me. But my ex husband was a hard core drinker and still is. Your husband sounds like a normal drinker..Normal people really don't understand what the big deal is..I bet that is where he is coming from.
SR has been a great source of comfort and support. I too was on here constantly when I quit drinking. Still spend alot of time here..everyone here understands and all have the common goal of sobriety. If you feel down..come here and post up! I hope each day gets better for you.
SR has been a great source of comfort and support. I too was on here constantly when I quit drinking. Still spend alot of time here..everyone here understands and all have the common goal of sobriety. If you feel down..come here and post up! I hope each day gets better for you.
On my way....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 326
Sorry, I don't know how to multi-quote...
Artsoul: "I actually stayed in bed for 2 days (glued to this place), because everything was just so overwhelming."
This is me the last two days, I have no energy, my mind is cloudy and can't focus on anything but this. I need to get myself together and be ready for a ten hour day of work tomorrow. I'm nervous because I'll be around people who use (I work in a restaurant, which is a known drug/alcohol user's haven), not that I used at work....it just will be weird talking to people I normally conversate about it with. My plan for tomorrow is to run home tomorrow after work and jump on here, I'm also attending a SMART meeting (or 2) online tomorrow.
Dah: "Part of it, at least for me, is that my particular way of drinking involved staying up late alone and drinking until nothing was left to drink or I was plastered."
Me to a tee, except I would do this most nights out of the week. Maybe that's why he doesn't see it, he usually would go to bed far before me, or fall asleep in his chair and I would wake him up before I would go to bed, or he would wake up and I would be passed on the couch. So maybe he wasn't really aware of how much it effects me since we weren't really interacting?
Artsoul: "I actually stayed in bed for 2 days (glued to this place), because everything was just so overwhelming."
This is me the last two days, I have no energy, my mind is cloudy and can't focus on anything but this. I need to get myself together and be ready for a ten hour day of work tomorrow. I'm nervous because I'll be around people who use (I work in a restaurant, which is a known drug/alcohol user's haven), not that I used at work....it just will be weird talking to people I normally conversate about it with. My plan for tomorrow is to run home tomorrow after work and jump on here, I'm also attending a SMART meeting (or 2) online tomorrow.
Dah: "Part of it, at least for me, is that my particular way of drinking involved staying up late alone and drinking until nothing was left to drink or I was plastered."
Me to a tee, except I would do this most nights out of the week. Maybe that's why he doesn't see it, he usually would go to bed far before me, or fall asleep in his chair and I would wake him up before I would go to bed, or he would wake up and I would be passed on the couch. So maybe he wasn't really aware of how much it effects me since we weren't really interacting?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 30
Rachel-
It seems like the spouse not "seeing" the problem is pretty common, even when its in their face (Or so I gather from reading here). Perhaps some of it is that the thought about you having a problem has been in your mind for a long time, perhaps for you since you were 6 years old. Regardless of when the first thought that you have a problem entered your mind, it is not a new thought. You have been thinking about it and deliberating on the question of whether or not you have a problem much longer than DH. Perhaps his unwillingness to accept your problem is an initial jerk reaction. perhaps he will understand once he has more time to hear you talk about your problem and consider it himself.
As for my wife I haven't really brought up the debate of "whether or not I am an 'alcoholic' recently, but she has respected my recovery and understands my logic. She has not discussed alcohol, and for what its worth herself has stopped having a glass of wine or beer in situations where she generally would have in the past.
While your DH seems to love you and be very understanding of you he doesn't seem to understand this issue, yet. Give him the information and the time, and I bet he connects the dots.
Just my $.02.
It seems like the spouse not "seeing" the problem is pretty common, even when its in their face (Or so I gather from reading here). Perhaps some of it is that the thought about you having a problem has been in your mind for a long time, perhaps for you since you were 6 years old. Regardless of when the first thought that you have a problem entered your mind, it is not a new thought. You have been thinking about it and deliberating on the question of whether or not you have a problem much longer than DH. Perhaps his unwillingness to accept your problem is an initial jerk reaction. perhaps he will understand once he has more time to hear you talk about your problem and consider it himself.
As for my wife I haven't really brought up the debate of "whether or not I am an 'alcoholic' recently, but she has respected my recovery and understands my logic. She has not discussed alcohol, and for what its worth herself has stopped having a glass of wine or beer in situations where she generally would have in the past.
While your DH seems to love you and be very understanding of you he doesn't seem to understand this issue, yet. Give him the information and the time, and I bet he connects the dots.
Just my $.02.
On my way....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 326
I think that everyone here has the right idea. I shouldn't worry so much about definitions and labels....just focus on what's important. He knows I'm hurting right now and he says he'll be there for me no matter what, he's also seen this song and dance before (I've never been so serious, never quit the pot, never really reached out) so I can understand why he wouldn't think it's anything but more of the same.
I can honestly say, this is the first time I've went 48 (almost) hours with NOTHING, well I have been smoking cigarettes, I think I'm going to wait until I'm a little stronger to giving them back up. But no head buzz at all, my mind is going in circles, normally I'd have a drink or smoke to "go on vacation" or relaxing from my thoughts. So I feel hyped up, but tired out all in the same breath, very hard to describe.
I realized today that I use to get outside of myself, to get away from myself. That's sad; sad to want to be like that -- I mean, am I really so bad I need to get away from myself??
I can honestly say, this is the first time I've went 48 (almost) hours with NOTHING, well I have been smoking cigarettes, I think I'm going to wait until I'm a little stronger to giving them back up. But no head buzz at all, my mind is going in circles, normally I'd have a drink or smoke to "go on vacation" or relaxing from my thoughts. So I feel hyped up, but tired out all in the same breath, very hard to describe.
I realized today that I use to get outside of myself, to get away from myself. That's sad; sad to want to be like that -- I mean, am I really so bad I need to get away from myself??
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 264
Dah and Rachael, we are similar in drinking patterns and spouses! My husband hasn't yet been able to say the word "alcoholic" in regards to me. the day I told him I was quitting, he said something like, "that's a good idea. I mean you don't need to go to AA or anything. I think you're smarter than that" (puh-leeze!). I had already planned my first meeting and told him so. He backpedaled a little. I can tell that he is still holding on to some pre-conceived notions about 12 step programs. BUT, I have to say that he has been very happy with the results of my actions. He too isn't an alcoholic, but has totally quit. He says for good. This makes me a little crazy because it doesn't even seem to phase him while I'm here going to 6 meetings a week and therapy and then throwing temper tantrums in-between!
I guess my point is that if you're relationship is solid, it's ok that they don't quite get it. It's ok that they don't want to give you that label. This part worried me and it's really been a non-issue.
Rock on, Rachael. You can do this.
I guess my point is that if you're relationship is solid, it's ok that they don't quite get it. It's ok that they don't want to give you that label. This part worried me and it's really been a non-issue.
Rock on, Rachael. You can do this.
On my way....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 326
Initially yesterday and today I said I wasn't going to go to meetings. But, after the ride home and discussing it with my DH, I think I've convinced myself, and him, that I need some f2f support from people who've been there and using that in conjunction with this site. He says he doesn't know what to tell me, doesn't know how to advise me....well, how would he?? Not that he's not enough, but I'm sure you know what I mean. It doesn't matter what I decide, he's behind me all the way, unfortunately that means even if I decided to drink again, he wouldn't mind! So I need people who know how dangerous it is to drink, even if you haven't hit that rock bottom like Dah said.....I try to tell him that he's saying the YETS just like I have in the past. I tell him this is a very progressive disease....and just because I haven't lost my job or whatnot...that doesn't stop me from setting the house on fire, or getting in the car with drunk people (as I have always had a strict rule about drinking and driving myself, much better to ride with someone else who is drunk, right!?) because I'm too drunk to know better and getting in an accident, etc. You don't have good judgment whilst drinking, and that alone can hurt or kill you without being at a technical "rock bottom" or drinking all day, or whatever defines his version of an alcoholic. lol
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
Early on in our marriage, my ex-husband constantly coached me to learn to drink normally rather than overreact with total abstinence (even after big blackout binges). A few years later, towards the end of our marriage (we are divorced), he was a frantic, desperate spouse who was trying, to no avail, absolutely everything and anything in his power to get me to stop.
Think it's best to trust your gut on this, as things can get progressively worse and you otherwise may eventually end up proving him wrong in a fashion far more dramatic and painful.
Congrats on 48 hours!!!
Think it's best to trust your gut on this, as things can get progressively worse and you otherwise may eventually end up proving him wrong in a fashion far more dramatic and painful.
Congrats on 48 hours!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 264
Rachael, I'm learning by trial and error here. I'm only 50ish days sober. But I'm learning quickly that I need to save some conversations for my friends at meetings and not bring them home. This is hard for me because my husband is my best friend. Literally we were friends for 15 years before we got romantic. Although he is supportive, it is obvious that there are things he just doesn't understand. This has left us frustrated with one another a few times. I feel too shaky to be in conflict at home.
My advice is get that face to face down soon. Get phone numbers and use them. If you're like me, you're going to be a little nuts for a while. Try to keep it simple at home until your head clears.
My advice is get that face to face down soon. Get phone numbers and use them. If you're like me, you're going to be a little nuts for a while. Try to keep it simple at home until your head clears.
On my way....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 326
I think you are totally right Fish, I have already reached out to two of my friends who are currently in AA, one who just celebrated a year and one who is newly sober at 13 days. I've already told my friend who's been sober for a year that I want to check in with her daily.....just to have someone to be accountable to besides myself. They both gave me their numbers and told me to call them at anytime, day or night.
That's something I've quickly noticed about people who are recovering or recovered alcoholics/users....how kind, helpful, and truly caring people can be, there are not many people who would go out of their way to help someone they don't know. You all have been my lifeline the last two days, and I'm sure you will be in the weeks and months to come, God willing.
Thank you for not getting on to me for posting too much, I don't mean to run at the mouth, but it feels so good to get these trapped feelings OUT.
That's something I've quickly noticed about people who are recovering or recovered alcoholics/users....how kind, helpful, and truly caring people can be, there are not many people who would go out of their way to help someone they don't know. You all have been my lifeline the last two days, and I'm sure you will be in the weeks and months to come, God willing.
Thank you for not getting on to me for posting too much, I don't mean to run at the mouth, but it feels so good to get these trapped feelings OUT.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 788
Chiming in...not with answers, but with support. I'm in the same boat. No one thought I needed to quit but me...and my husband got kind of tired of all my talk about how hard it was to quit. I am now almost 3 months sober, and he has mentioned that in fact I do seem calmer, he's proud of me, and he thinks I'm doing one of the best things for our family. It feels great to hear that. My husband and I were drinking buddies, and I miss that connection. I am (not very secretly) hoping he'll stop drinking, too, but he is not an alcoholic and I am. Fish, you made me realize I need some more face-to-face support...it's hard for my husband and I both when I go on and on.
Rachel, you're doing a great thing. Congratulations. Whether your husband thinks you are an alcoholic or not isn't a problem. He will love the healthy, calm, happy you. Good luck!
Rachel, you're doing a great thing. Congratulations. Whether your husband thinks you are an alcoholic or not isn't a problem. He will love the healthy, calm, happy you. Good luck!
unlearning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: russia
Posts: 343
I can relate to your problem also. My wife doesn't understand alcoholism, and told me at one point just drink with her, stop when she stops, and I won't have any problems. She got upset when she found out I was hiding bottles and drinking more than her.
She still drinks a few with dinner, and is not unhappy, nor even disconcerted (of course) that I quit. I consider it my problem, not hers. Inafishbowl is right IMO, no need to share what your spouse can't understand.
She still drinks a few with dinner, and is not unhappy, nor even disconcerted (of course) that I quit. I consider it my problem, not hers. Inafishbowl is right IMO, no need to share what your spouse can't understand.
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