Fandy

i think that newly sober people can worry a lot....as time went on, i just focused on being somebody who chooses to drink seltzer, juice, tea, coffee....it became LESS of an issue and sure does help my blood glucose levels, skin, anxiety, depression and weight.

give yourself time to adjust and just think about the wonderful day and good night's sleep you will have....as the sober days add up, your perspective and moods may change 100s of times, but you have FTF support from friends and posting here, are checking out alternative groups...this is all good.

hope you are feeling well today and that your husband is not pressuring you to see things his way.

Coolmummy

I know exactly what you mean too - my husband, despite having sen me in the most hideous states over the past 13 years and gone through hell because of my drinking, and still thought I would 'be ok if I controlled it'!! He would buy me wekaer drinks and stuff like that to 'help me', which, bless him, he really thought he was doing. It's only now, now that I'm going to AA that he realisesd that I am that A word after all and he is so supportive and understanding. I guess it must be difficult for people who can drink 'normally' to understand. I hope things work out for you two too.

elfgirl

I'm in the same boat- thanks for this thread!! Part of it is, I'm sure, because I almost never admit to blackouts and I don't talk much about my feelings about drinking. The most I've ever said to him about it was one night when we were both drunk, and why would he have taken that seriously? Like Maryjan, my husband and I are drinking buddies, so in some ways me being sober is a loss for him and I'm sure it's easy for him to enable me.

It's okay though. I have to do this for *me* and whether or not anyone else in the world thinks I have a problem- heck, even if I *don't* really have a problem- being sober can't possibly hurt me! That's kind of my mantra right now.

BurningChrome

Hi Rachel, I can relate! My wife _Knows_ I drink to much, but, I do my high end software job, the bills are always paid, I've had no DUI's or legal problems, etc., but she _Knows_ I drink way to much, way to often. She gently prods me to not drink so much or even at all. I am working toward that goal. I wonder if she threatened to leave me if that would not be better so as to force me to make a choice.... Sigh... Still it helps me immensely to have a wife who supports me despite my "stupid" behavior... She sees it, reminds me of it, yet is still there for me. Wishing you the best!
...Mike

LoftyIdeals

I am only 8 days today, and can relate to the spouse issues, from this time and other periods of sobriety. My wife supports me not drinking for a while, then she realizes she is missing her drinking buddy. Last night, we went out on the deck - our normal happy hour spot - (as it was finally warm enough to go out there), and we literally sat there for 10 minutes without either saying a word to each other. It was like we didn't have anything to talk about without the lubricant of alcohol. I pray this is temporary. My biggest fear is that I will sober up and decide we shouldn't be together, after 16 years of marriage, and 3 kids. I know we are not a natural fit, and, hence, one of my reasons for drinking. That's a scary prospect, but my drinking has finally become more scary to me, and grave depression has set in. As I grow in sobriety, I hope I'll learn to have the emotional intelligence to grow in relationship with my wife and family. They certainly deserve better than I've given, particularly in the last few years.

Hang in there. Stay sober, and, when it's too much, give it to God. He knows what to do with it.

P.S. This is my first post. I like this site! I'm not a meeting guy, but this, I think, will help me.

saphira

Rachel,

I know exactly how you feel. Actually, I only admitted to myself (and my husband) that I'm an alcoholic a couple of days ago. Last night I tried to talk to him more about it and he was talking about how he didn't think I was an "all the way alcoholic" (whatever that means!!) because he runs a liquor store and sees people who drink way more than I do. He even talked to me about how someday he thought I'd be able to drink to "appreciate" it, not to get drunk. I've never done that in my life. Sadly, last night I drank a bottle of whiskey and passed out in our living room. This morning, after waking me up, he said that he realizes now what I was talking about. I think it just takes people some time to see that you actually are an alcoholic. Stick to your guns about it though (at least to yourself.) I also think that with my husband at least, he's become so used to my drinking through the years that he's forgotten what I'm like when I'm sober for a long period of time....that I'm not actually this person!

Good luck to you!!

LaFemme

Well I am not married but my family is the same...for years my Dad told me I needed to drink "less" the one time I suggested I stop all together he was like "no, no, no, all you need to do is control it." LOL...I control it by not drinking at all It's the only way for me

So when I finally quit, I just didn't say anything to my family...the last thing I needed was anyone telling me I was fine and should just moderate. I have 8 months and have never had a conversation with anyone but 1 sober friend, f2f about my drinking.

Also, remeember, Men like to "fix" things when you tell them about a problem...he can't fix this so he is feeling helpless. Also, he might realize that this might change the dynamic of your relationship and he might be a little scared too.

1_day@_a_time

Probably the reason he does not get it (or understand you and your situation) is because he is not an alcoholic from what you say.

Why not take these simple tests together & let him see for himself.

Also, there is plenty of literature available for the non-alcoholic to read up on to obtain a better understanding.

Twenty Questions of AA That helped decide I was alcoholic Help for Alcoholics alcoholism addiction treatment and recovery

Alcoholics Anonymous : Is A.A. For You?

Only you can decide.

CONGRATS on reaching out!

PS to answer your question, get in formal recovery for you and only you. Change, grow, recover. Then he will see a different person!

Reset

Rachel, the first two times I told my wife I wanted to quit I got similar reactions.

So the third time I just quit. Didn't tell her anything about it, just did it.

She's probably noticed but I'm going on 75 days and we haven't discussed it yet. I know that might be weird for a lot of people but it's worked for me quitting so far.

Like the Nike ad, Just Do It. Good luck!

Inafishbowl

Reset. Whatever works! Not wierd at all.

ForwardMotion

Hey guys!
I'm back, and I went to my first meeting!!! I know I said I didn't plan on attending AA....but I really think my higher power guided me there today. It was just what I needed, I met some really nice ladies and I have one particular one I want to call if (or when) I get in panic/weak mode.

LaFemme - "Also, remember, Men like to "fix" things when you tell them about a problem...he can't fix this so he is feeling helpless. Also, he might realize that this might change the dynamic of your relationship and he might be a little scared too."

This. I think everything you said here is exactly how he feels. He is definitely a fixer, and he doesn't like to see something wrong with someone he loves, so I think he's in denial - ironically. Also, I've been drinking nearly our whole relationship, so I think he is a little scared I won't be "myself". But, I think he's not aware that I will be a better person and wife - I think he's scared I'll change the way I feel about him or something.


We talked a lot after I came home from the meeting and I felt like he understood more after I told him how I felt in the mornings; the remorse, my shaking, the guilt of not being able to control myself, the unhappiness I felt when even the buzz isn't working anymore. I guess I've never really broke it down to him, I think I realized that tonight. I think that I shut myself up inside myself with the bottle and the marijuana - so he wasn't even aware of the inner turmoil I experience everyday. I think, subconsciously, I never told him all that because maybe he would stop me. I'm not sure, that's water under the bridge now. I feel like I have his support now and that's all I wanted.

Danae

Hi Rachael,

Great news that you found the meeting helpful and had a good talk with your husband. Sounds like you are realizing a lot of new things and absorbing them. Hope you'll keep on posting....

reggiewayne

Welcome. In my experience this is very common. Nobody in my family thought I had a problem either. I have 105 days sober today. They all see a huge difference in how I carry myself. My suggestion is just to stay on course. If you really are an alcoholic you're mind is going to try and convince you that you're not. Your husband's opinion (believe it or not) will be shared by you at some point. This disease is very tricky.

I would suggest getting a program of recovery together and stick with it. For me it's AA, this site, recovery CD's in the car, talking to other people in recovery on a daily basis, etc... Even with all of that, even with my 105 days, even with all of the positive comments from my family, there are times when I think I'm not an alcoholic.

It's very powerful!!! But it does get better. Hang in there!!!

ForwardMotion

Reggie, thank you for the advice. You better believe my mind has already been saying that....even when I went to the meeting tonight, as people spoke I could hear that inner voice saying, "oh, he's (DH) right, you've never gotten as bad as that", for example, one lady spoke of her father who was a heavy drinker, but not an alcoholic and I though to myself....hmmm, maybe that's what I am.

Heavy drinker/alcoholic, whatever, I have a problem, I know that. But, sometimes that voice is so convincing. I just keep "playing it out", it's working for me so far - thinking past the first few, thinking about how I feel stumbling around and insisting I'm not drunk, the nausea/heartburn the next day, the shaking, the money I spend on weed, how I feel like I have to have altered thinking at all times, wondering what happened last night, the thirst when I wake up, how my eyes feel when I've passed out with my contacts in, checking phone/comp history to figure out some semblance of what I was doing/thinking the night before, trying to regulate my drinking to make it work better for me but always failing, worrying about my health, worrying all day about what might happen when we go out that evening, wondering if I'll get too drunk and embarrass myself, literally praying to God that I will behave myself, just wanting to be like a normal person who enjoys life without substances....yeah......thinking about all that seems to do the trick right now.

Maryjan

Lofty, life with kids is hard and a drink or two is a fast track to the giddy fun time...I've only been sober a few months, but now my husband and I got out on the deck...it takes me a bit longer to unwind, but I get there. Sometimes, when I really want some wine, he watches the kids and I go lie in the hammock. It's hard to transition to "parent time," and it's harder without wine. But it gets easier. Good luck!

dingding

My wife is happy that i have stopped drinking but said the other night that it was sad that we couldnt share a bottle of wine any more.

I told her that i could share a bottle of wine with her but next time i would drink all the wine then the time after that i would go out and drink in a pub and get smashed and come back and upset her then spend half of the next day in bed etc

I'm not sure if she understood why this would happen, but she believed me that this is what would happen.

I think its one of the reasons that no one else can make us stop or help us to stop. It's down to us to want to do it.

saphira

Oh Rachel, we are so alike!!! Congrats on you being so strong about this all! As a newcomer myself, I do have one question for you...how was the meeting? I am going to my first meeting in a couple of days and don't feel like speaking yet. Can I go and just listen? What was the "vibe" you got during the meeting? I admit...I'm very intimidated..

ForwardMotion

Saphira, sorry, I just saw this, so glad you're here!

Ironically, beginning this on Tuesday I totally intended on doing it myself, no AA, I'm too socially awkward I thought. Even yesterday I didn't intend on it......

....I have to say that a Higher Power guided me there. You know how there is that dueling side....the addict and the true you? Well, something put it in my head that I needed to go and even though I could feel part of me resisting....I didn't change my mind and that was really weird because I am really anxious around people unless, of course, I've been drinking/smoking. As I drove to the meeting I could hear it saying for me to just drive on home (.5 mile from the meeting), but I don't think the devil himself could have stopped that other part! It was something I've honestly never experienced......it was SO weird! I have to say I think God really stepped in...I get chills thinking about that feeling. It's like I wasn't even thinking for myself....chills I tell you, I'm having them now!

The meeting was great, I live in a small town so there were only 8 people there, including myself. Also, kinda funny, I guess, there was a guy there I used to party with....when I saw him, I kind of felt a little awkward and didn't know what I'd say....but we greeted each other as friends and went on with the meeting.

They actually kind of tailored the whole meeting around me!....that was a little strange at first, but they decided to talk about the 1st step. As people spoke it didn't take me long to feel comfortable, I think after the 2nd or 3rd person spoke, I spoke up. Pretty much as they talked, they all talked directly to me....that sounds like it might put you on the spot.....but I felt so loved, and so comfortable because I was sitting in a room of people JUST LIKE ME. Since the group was so small people talked more than once, I spoke twice, I cried both times (I tend to be a really emotional person anyway), it was almost like we all had a conversation, taking our turns.

There was one particular lady who I felt really comfortable talking to, I clicked with her during the meeting, I kind of got that motherly figure vibe from her...and at the end, everyone spoke to me and underlined their numbers on the phone list. But she took extra time to talk to me, and she gave me hug that felt so safe, loving, and warm that I burst into tears again and she didn't let go for a long time. If I need help she will be the one I call - maybe she clicked with me too, I don't know it's like I picked her silently and she picked me, I'm hoping she can be my sponsor, but I'm not really sure how that works.

I highly recommend going, it feels mighty scary walking into that room, overwhelming, but that feeling I mentioned before carried me all the way into that meeting. I felt surreal the whole time I was there.

To answer your question, I didn't feel pressured to speak at all....it's just that I felt so comfortable, I wanted to share. I felt like if I was going to get any help from this I needed to reach out, and everyone listened intently and it felt GOOD. So go! I highly encourage it, it feels good knowing other people know exactly how you feel, and understand the battle you face. It makes you feel stronger.

I look forward to talking to you more!!

eJoshua

First time I tried to quit I called everyone I knew and told them. Nobody believed me. It wasn't until I relapsed and hid it from everyone for months that finally people realized that I had a problem.

ForwardMotion

I also wanted to say that my DH really helped me out yesterday, he might not know it, but he did. Yesterday when I was battling my demons I said to him, "ya know, I don't think I'm as bad as I thought, maybe I can just smoke weed......I don't even know if I want to quit drinking yet.....maybe I can do this later".

I guess all that spilling my guts to him about how I was feeling on the inside got through to him! Because, he said, "no, you can do this, I didn't know how bad you were really doing/feeling". In the past when I've "quit for good", he's always "given me permission" to go back by agreeing with me. I won't sneak it, so I always get his "blessing" before I turn back. I'm so happy that he didn't agree because it would've made it easier to turn back. Progress is being made....with BOTH of us!