Creekryder

Laughter is by far one of the greatest stress relievers available—and it's free.
I was looking through some of my old posts and found a couple of knee-slappers I would like to re-introduce to hopefully bring a smile. Please feel free to add to the thread and let's spread a few giggles.

Father O'Connor walks into a pub and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want go to heaven?'
The man replies, 'Yes, Father.'

Father O'Connor then says, 'Leave this bar right now, and go outside'.
The priest proceeds to another man, and asks him the same thing. The chap also answers, 'Yes'.
Father O'Connor asks him too to go out.

The Reverend Father goes the the third man and asks, 'Would you like to go to heaven? '
This time the reply is, 'No thank-you Father.'
Surprised, Father O'Connor asks, 'Why not?'
The man quickly says, 'I mean I do, but only after I die.'

The Father O'Connor explains, 'That's what I am talking about.'
The man says, 'Oh, I thought you are getting a group ready right now.'
:rotfxko

Creekryder

Pat and Mike were out all night drinkin and carousin. They were heading home about 6 in the morning when they passed by the parish church.

"Mike, do ya think we ought to go in and go to confession before we go home to our wives?"
"Aye," Pat answered, "probably be the proper thing to do."

So they both go in and kneel down and Pat choose to be the first to go in the confessional.
"Bless me, Father," he begins, " 'tis been a week since my last confession. Father, I was with a woman last night an' it twasn't me wife."

The priest on the other side of the screen pauses for a moment then says, "Ye know, Son, I can't give you absolution unless ya tell me the name of the woman ya were with."

"Oh, Father, please! I can't be tellin' ya that. I promised I'd not tell a soul," Pat whispered in alarm.

"Well I can't be givin' ya absolution until ya do." the priest replied.

"Oh, please Father, don't be askin' me such a thing. I made a promise, " Pat pleaded.

The priest thought a moment then offered, "I tell ya what. I'll mention some names and you just answer 'aye' or 'nay'. That way ya won't actually be tellin' me the name."

"I suppose that will work, ok, Father, I'll do it."

"Was it the widow O'Brian?" the priest questioned.
"Nay, Father, twasn't her." came the reply.
"Was it Mary O'Saunhessy?"
"Nay, Father, not her."
"Maggie O'Dell?"
"Nay."
"How about Katie Murphy?"
"Nay, Father."

During this time, Mike was still kneeling in the pew and kept looking at his watch. Pat had been in the confessional for a long time.
About the time Mike was really beginning to wonder what was going on, the curtain on the confessional pulled back, Pat emerged, he returned to the pew and knelt down next to Mike, his face buried in his folded hands in prayer.

"Pat, Pat!" Mike tried to whisper, " did the Father give ya absolution?"
Pat never lifted his head, "No, but..." Mike could see a wee smile on his face, "...I got about thirty new leads for next weekend!"

kiki5711

lmao

Creekryder

Margaret Brady was walking down the road and chanced upon seeing Father Ryan.
"Margaret, I married you and your husband a couple of years ago. How are you?
"I'm doin' fine, Father, so is me husband." she told the priest.
"You've not been blessed with wee children, yet?" the old priest asked.
"No, Father, not as yet." the young lady answered sadly.
"Well, don't you worry. You will. I'm going to the Vatican to visit the Holy Father. When I get there, I'll light a candle for you and your husband to be blessed with children." Father Ryan promised.
Several years passed and Margaret was walking down the same road and met Father Ryan once again. This time she had several children scampering around her.
"Bless my soul, Margaret, I see you have children now," the priest remarked.
"Oh yes, Father, we now have two sets of twins and five other children."
"And where is that darlin' husband of your?" Father Ryan asked.
"He left for Rome the other day," Margaret told him, " He went to go blow out that $%@#!! candle you lit."

JTele

Some serious thanks for the humor! Sometimes I think we could use a little more of that around these parts!

kiki5711

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny,
said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your
clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few
inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she
simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of
underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?'
he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared
when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, '
Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder;
it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!

kiki5711

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to
jump off a bridge so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his
bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have
ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why
areyou committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

Mark75

As long as we are in this vein...


A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, ' Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball..'

Man: 'That's nice'

Boy: 'Want to buy it?'

Man: 'No, thanks.'

Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'

Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'

Man: 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy: '$750'

Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door..

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that sh1t again; you're in my closet now.'

Creekryder

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, ugly old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

kiki5711

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

kiki5711

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covered one of her eyes and asked, "Where?"

stephnc

1. The fattest knight at King Aruthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference. He got that way from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of maths disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into the kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silkworms had a race; they ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in in the nudist camp wall; the police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a rack in the hallway; one hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, "Keep off the grass."

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who invented mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When the cannibals ate the missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off a bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards a plane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at him and says, "I'm sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall; one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet; one says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "I'm positive."

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

26. There was a person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of them would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

27. News just breaking: There has been a burglary at the local police station, where the toilets were stolen. The police say they have nothing to go on.

kiki5711

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

:rotfxko:rotfxko