mtnmagic

I have been sober for 7 1/2 weeks. I have been doing well. I have reached out, and gotten through some very tough situations (well at least for me) these last weeks.

This weekend I went to a reunion of women that I graduated HS with. I was worried, thought I wouldn't measure up to them, yet went and had a really good time. Even connected to my very best friend who I haven't seen in
15 years. The rest I hadn't been in contact with for over thirty years.
I want to stress everything went really well. There was a group decision
that no alcohol would be on site for the reunion because of the increased cost due to liability issues. So no temptation there.

Yet when I got back home I felt lost and restless. Really out of sorts for no explainable reason. I decided it might be wise to go to an AA meeting. I did tonight.

The meeting was fine. I admit I'm a relapser of epic porportions. I'm nice, respond to those that speak to me, yet have not made an effort this go around to go way out of my way towards the regulars. I felt even worse
since I left that meeting.

I'm actually afraid for myself. Look, you AA people. I do not blame anyone there. There were thirty to forty people there tonight. I guess I could have shared, but I didn't. I did stick around after the meeting for awhile, yet people were too busy. I was so uncomfortable that I went outside. A few people were out there, but caught up in talking about the sharing within the meeting. Those people were not too nice in how they thought the sharers did. I realize I shouldn't judge and removed myself again.

I know that I am in a bad place. I just don't think I can do another meeting like that. I don't have transportation right now to get to meetings. I go where and when I can.

I can't give up this hard won sobriety. I don't believe I'm going to make it by going to AA. I will grant you this may be an unfortunate situation from this meeting. I have been let down by AA before and kept an open mind. A woman from the hotline told me she would pick me up for a meeting and then never showed up nor called.

This is neither here nor there. I'm having a hard time and would like support tonight please.

I know that I am coming close to sixty days. I feel terrible. I mean this physically and mentally. Anxiety amuck and shaking and sick stomach.
No big urges to drink, but I'm scared.

artsoul

Hi mtn - I'm so sorry you're having a hard time right now. I felt much the same way at 30 and 60 days (not so much around 90), but I had other bad days that just seemed to hit me at random. I often wondered if it was a brain/chemical thing because I seemed fine one day and horrible the next for no reason.

I'm sorry the meeting just made things worse (I've had that experience too!).

When I feel "off" in my recovery, I read here until I feel anchored again (10 minutes, an hour or three hours if need be). Other things: a big piece of cake (!) or a milkshake, a good night's sleep (things always look better in the morning), TV, and gratitude...... just anything to take my mind off my mood and/or treat myself to a little TLC.

Sounds like you had one of those days where you think it can't get any worse and then it does........ But as they say "this too shall pass." It really will. Hang in there - you're doing good!

Manz

I can totally understand how you are feeling. HUG
I am 2 months today and am having the same sort of day...edgy, stressed and uncomfortable. I don't want to drink and wont.
You can do this hun, just allow yourself to feel the cr@p and keep going til tomorrow when it will be over. I am doing the exact same thing tonight.

Protect you and your sobriety, you do deserve this after all, you have worked darn hard for it.... Can you find something to do to distract yourself, a good book, or a bath. Call a friend? Anything to make it through. And remember it is always one day at a time.

Take care

Dee74

Hi MM

I'm not really sure what happened...

but I think it's important to remember that AA and AAers can be two different things....the same goes for any group.

60 days can be a bit emotional. I'm sure you know about PAWs. I know I reacted to things sometimes with enormous mood swings quite out of proportion to whatever happened.

Aside from that, its okay to feel things too - scared, nervous etc - they're normal feelings

Think it over for a few days before you decide to do anything one way or the other. Whatever you've been doing seems to be working from my perspective?

If you think you're right in your reactions tho, make sure you have a back up recovery plan before you toss this one away MM.

You've come a long way...and you'll go a lot further too I think...but take it slow and steady....and remember to breathe

D

ANGELINA243

Glad you shared here. Others sometimes don't know that we are hurting unless we say something to them. Pain shared is pain lessened. I know I used to have uneasy/uncomfortable feelings at meetings sometimes too. Of course, there were times when I didn't share--then ended up sometimes carrying those same burdens back home with me. Sometimes I was approached and did end up talking with someone else in recovery but I was very shy at first and approaching others was kinda difficult--especially with trying to talk with others about feelings/emotions I had during early recovery--which being new I really didn't understand why I felt the way I did and it too was scary at times. Now the difference is that I can talk to others. AA is just one avenue to recovery. You have to find something that works for you--some type of program that you can stick with. Sometimes it gets uneasy or painful--especially at first, cause we are trying something new (or different) as far as trying to find recovery. Just know that you are not alone. There are plenty of nice folks here. We do recover.

DynamiteGrrl

Hi MTM.
I know exactly what you mean when u say you've been let down by AA.
I know that it works for many ppl, but it never worked for me. I always felt worse after a meeting - more isolated & alone. I never felt that sense of community that some others talk about. I felt that I didn't belong there. And I always felt the cravings were much more severe after a meeting.
I'm still trying to find a way to get through this without AA. I'm in counselling and I've got SR. It's a start, but I understand your fear.
Thanks for your post too.
BIG Supportive Hugs & lots of White Light for you MTM.
xTNT

Inafishbowl

Magic, I am so sorry. We are close in our sobriety. I have been fairly lucky in my meetings. That said, I get annoyed at the same women sharing the same thing over and over. And get even more annoyed when I hear gossip or talking badly of others. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen. If I were you, I would try calling again and see if you can get a ride to another meeting. Maybe try this with a few different meetings. Maybe you can find one with people who you identify with and then from there, I'm sure someone would be able to help you with a ride.
But I do not believe that you have to utilize AA to remain sober. If you are anything like me, you may not want to be around people, but it's probably the best thing for you. Any kind of fellowship. Yes, you can get it here. But there is something more civilized and beneficial to the face to face encounters. At least for me.

I believe there are a multitude of ways to do this. I know you can do it. Simply by reaching out tonight you have done something positive.

BTW, I'm avoiding my reunion this year. Good for you for going!

gravity

You sound like me before I worked through the steps. The fear does go away. So does irritation with other people - I just don't care what negative people do or say anymore. Quite amazing actually.

Impurrfect

(((MM))) - another thing to consider is, I was always told that the time around our "milestones"...30 days, 90 days, 6 months, etc. were tough. Don't know the reason WHY, but I found it true for me, and I just prepared myself (I was lucky enough to find out about this early on).

I'm incredibly proud of you. Meetings may or may not work for you. I went, before I discovered crack, had really supportive people but I wasn't ready for recovery. I still use what I learned there, but I use SR and a few people IRL to help keep me grounded.

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy

Reset

7.5 weeks is great. I'm not that far ahead of you so I do know that things can be bumpy in these early months. It's scary and it's a lot harder than expected, huh?

I just keep telling myself that going back to drinking isn't going to make things better. Gotta keep plowing forward, it's the only direction to go.

Hang in there, things will get better.

LexieCat

I remember hanging around after meetings and feeling hurt when I felt ignored. But I kept dragging my butt to meetings, anyway, and it got better.

The problem isn't with the other people, it's with us. Not that other people can't do wrong things, but our emotional reaction to them is because of our own thought processes. The bad feelings are all on ME, not the people who are "making" me feel bad.

All I can suggest is that you get a sponsor, if you don't have one. They can be VERY valuable at times like this, to help us make sense of why we are feeling the way we are. All we know on our own, usually, is that we feel miserable and aren't sure why.

Hang in there, keep comin' back.

Hugs,

keithj

mtnmagic,

I just have to say, there is nothing magical about going to an AA meeting. Some people feel great relief and comfortable attending, and some do not. My point is that going to meetings does nothing to treat the alcoholism. Relief or not, meeting attendance is simply not the program of AA.

AA is a fairly specific and precise set of actions described in the BB. That is how those people recovered. At various times in my relapse/can't stay sober days, I got various levels of relief by going to meetings. But I never got the freedom and life changing experience I needed until I dove into the Steps and worked that process. That's where the magic of AA is.

OklaBH

The people in AA arent perfect and neither are you. I went to one meeting and thought afterward "that was a waste of my time" Days later something came up and i remembered what one guy said in out beginners meeting and it made sense to me. If you didnt get any phone numbers then get some next time. Get to know the ladies and eventually you will be comfortable asking one to be your sponsor. There is stength in numbers!

doggonecarl

What about the reunion triggered those reactions?

I know for me, the situation would have been difficult. I would have looked at the other people's lives, looked at mine, and not liked the comparison. And I think any situation that would make me examine my life would make me restless, out-of sort, like you said you felt.

So I don't know if the issue was the AA meeting or just the big WHAM that visiting the past (and isn't that what a reunition is?) can bring.

Hope you get on an even keel soon. Good luck.

least

Hang in there and don't give up on yourself, meetings or no meetings. You're doing great so far. Early sobriety can be a time of great emotional upheaval and distress. Don't let your feelings derail your progress. Here's another hug for you. :ghug3

Sugah

Before you give up on AA, may I make a suggestion? Listen closely to those who are sharing. When you hear the women who talk about the solution and who seem to have some level of serenity in their lives, use your current misery to push you to approach them. Ask for phone numbers. Call them. Ask one of them to sponsor you. Take the steps.

When I first got sober, I lived in a town where the fellowship as a whole (in my estimation) was not the picture of health. If I hung onto only what I heard in the rooms, I'd have remained entrenched in the problem. There were a few who really had something I wanted, and it was from them that I sought help. We all come through the doors twisted in some way or another. If we don't do anything other than occupy a seat, we're likely to stay that way.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Bingen

Hi, I came accross this thread from one of the SR member and I like it very much.Hope it will help you some way.

The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (51 things you should know about addiction recovery)

Reubena

Hi mm,

Early in my recovery though, my emotions were all over the map. Things did settle down for me after 4 or 5 months. I am glad you are reaching out by going to meetings. I'm hoping the next one will be better for you & you will connect with some people (that might not have been there last night? Who knows?). Anyhow, I guess I don't have any advice for you but did want to say that I'm proud of you for getting so far and I really appreciate your posts. Big hugs to you.

LaFemme

Hi mm!

I went to my High School Reunion at the same stage in recovery so I know it can be a little disconcerting....mine had a ton of booze though so I think I was focused on that mostly

Are you doing anything to help your sobriety outside of AA...counseling? meditation? exercise? Those thigns have been lifesavers for me

hugs

1_day@_a_time

Said a different way in Step 3 on pg 39 in the 12 x 12:

More sobriety brought about by the admission of alcoholism and by attendance at a few meetings is very good indeed, but it is bound to be a far cry from permanent sobriety and a contented, useful life.

People ARE available to help you, if YOU accept the help and have the WILLINGNESS TO CHANGE!