Please do need some feedback
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 139
Mtn, we all have different personalities...just because one person can pull themselves up and get to an AA meeting and do well, doesn't mean we all can at first. We are all different in what we can handle comfortably. I have never gone to one, but you sound very fragile right now. Please take care and remember...this too shall pass. I wonder if there are people within AA who can do one-on-one?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
We were learning about guilt and shame in rehab. It's funny how when I come to realize something I can use them to relate here...
Guilt is a feeling we get when we've done something bad or stupid...we feel regret we did it.
Shame is the feeling we have within ourselves -how we feel about ourselves.
And I'm getting a sense right now that you are having a feeling of shame and until you boost your self esteem it may not get better. That is one reason that continuing with AA or counseling is so important. There is strength in numbers.
Saying things like I guess I could have shared, people were too busy, I was so uncomfortable and have not made an effort...leads me to believe you need support.
I only went to 2 meetings because they fall on the same night as my rehab but both times I went in I didn't think what can they do for me? How will I be accepted? I didn't expect to be 'healed' or have a mindful revelation of never drinking again. Just the oposite, I went in asking myself how can my thoughts, positivity and attitude have a benefit in the meeting and on the others. What can I bring to the table?
You stood on the sidelines because that is where you were most comfortable. It is understandable. But expected them to be helpful even though you did not reach out.
If there are two wind up toys on the floor and only one is spinning which one will the child go after -the one that's spinning, of course. Same with other people...if they see you are closed down they will be automatically less likely to approach you. Its human nature.
We all have good days and bad days. I consider it balance -in learning the 'correct' way to deal with all these feelings and thoughts sober. Each feeling we have sober is a new experience, a new challenge. Embrace your feelings and learn from them. You need to or you will never get over that hurdle.
I admire your strength in going to your reunion. Booze or no booze...sometimes its hard dealing with people sober. I have yet to go to one of mine.
DON'T GIVE UP...KEEP GOING! You are too far in to think twice.
And I apologize...I have all these thoughts and feel the need to 'release' them. LOL We all want you to succeed.
Guilt is a feeling we get when we've done something bad or stupid...we feel regret we did it.
Shame is the feeling we have within ourselves -how we feel about ourselves.
And I'm getting a sense right now that you are having a feeling of shame and until you boost your self esteem it may not get better. That is one reason that continuing with AA or counseling is so important. There is strength in numbers.
Saying things like I guess I could have shared, people were too busy, I was so uncomfortable and have not made an effort...leads me to believe you need support.
I only went to 2 meetings because they fall on the same night as my rehab but both times I went in I didn't think what can they do for me? How will I be accepted? I didn't expect to be 'healed' or have a mindful revelation of never drinking again. Just the oposite, I went in asking myself how can my thoughts, positivity and attitude have a benefit in the meeting and on the others. What can I bring to the table?
You stood on the sidelines because that is where you were most comfortable. It is understandable. But expected them to be helpful even though you did not reach out.
If there are two wind up toys on the floor and only one is spinning which one will the child go after -the one that's spinning, of course. Same with other people...if they see you are closed down they will be automatically less likely to approach you. Its human nature.
We all have good days and bad days. I consider it balance -in learning the 'correct' way to deal with all these feelings and thoughts sober. Each feeling we have sober is a new experience, a new challenge. Embrace your feelings and learn from them. You need to or you will never get over that hurdle.
I admire your strength in going to your reunion. Booze or no booze...sometimes its hard dealing with people sober. I have yet to go to one of mine.
DON'T GIVE UP...KEEP GOING! You are too far in to think twice.
And I apologize...I have all these thoughts and feel the need to 'release' them. LOL We all want you to succeed.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Hollywood, FL
Posts: 30
My body language changes with my moods. I am sure that I am less approachable when I am feeling down, and exhibit "closed" body language. I am sure there are those who are "frightened" about approaching me! LOL
After all, know one knows what another is going through, or what another feels like talking about or not.
In our group, there are women who are more closed than others to newcomers/returners. After I opened up a little and getting to know them a little better, it turned out that THEY had very low self esteem, and were not sure that they could help me!
I do put forth an effort to welcome new people in the room I am a regular in - expecially if they are women.
Our self esteem seems to be more fragile then men's, or they are just better at "faking it" until they make it!
After all, know one knows what another is going through, or what another feels like talking about or not.
In our group, there are women who are more closed than others to newcomers/returners. After I opened up a little and getting to know them a little better, it turned out that THEY had very low self esteem, and were not sure that they could help me!
I do put forth an effort to welcome new people in the room I am a regular in - expecially if they are women.
Our self esteem seems to be more fragile then men's, or they are just better at "faking it" until they make it!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
I think she should do whatever it takes for you to stay sober and good for you on your recovery.
I know that for me, I would have been triggered by a reunion like that in early sobriety. I was still feeling quite vulnerable, and I too could have gone there and not drank, but it would have been my mind playing with me later that got to me. Thankfully, I have learned more about myself and my boundaries.
I know that for me, I would have been triggered by a reunion like that in early sobriety. I was still feeling quite vulnerable, and I too could have gone there and not drank, but it would have been my mind playing with me later that got to me. Thankfully, I have learned more about myself and my boundaries.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Tahoe CA
Posts: 1,098
Thank you all!
Such good wisdom and feedback in your posts.
Doggone - I think you hit it on the head as far as what is really bothering me.
I did feel less then at the reunion. I kept pushing it aside, but it was what it was. I remember several times through the day and night that I would just
remove myself and go outside and walk. I'm very grateful that there was no alcohol there, because looking back, I probably would have picked up if there was. It was a huge jumble of emotions and I thought when I got through it
that was it. But it wasn't.
The meeting was fine. I won't stop going at this point. I could have reached out and shared. There was plenty of opportunity. The chair came up to me,
thinking I was a friend of hers who had apparently not been at meetings in awhile. I wasn't, but after we worked that out, she asked me to read "The Promises" which I did.
This may (probably) is a case of "Don't you know who I am, and how hard this is for me right now." Without verbalizing it how could anyone know?
All I know is I feel like crap right now. Physically and mentally. It is better then yesterday, but it sucks. I will not drink and I will hold on. There is no going back to drinking. I just can't live that way anymore.
Thanks again for taking the time to respond to my post. It is appreciated more then I can describe.
Also I have to say, while I shared with you that I didn't like how some members behaved, in my head I was so much more critical then they were.
So wrong, but so true.
Doggone - I think you hit it on the head as far as what is really bothering me.
I did feel less then at the reunion. I kept pushing it aside, but it was what it was. I remember several times through the day and night that I would just
remove myself and go outside and walk. I'm very grateful that there was no alcohol there, because looking back, I probably would have picked up if there was. It was a huge jumble of emotions and I thought when I got through it
that was it. But it wasn't.
The meeting was fine. I won't stop going at this point. I could have reached out and shared. There was plenty of opportunity. The chair came up to me,
thinking I was a friend of hers who had apparently not been at meetings in awhile. I wasn't, but after we worked that out, she asked me to read "The Promises" which I did.
This may (probably) is a case of "Don't you know who I am, and how hard this is for me right now." Without verbalizing it how could anyone know?
All I know is I feel like crap right now. Physically and mentally. It is better then yesterday, but it sucks. I will not drink and I will hold on. There is no going back to drinking. I just can't live that way anymore.
Thanks again for taking the time to respond to my post. It is appreciated more then I can describe.
Also I have to say, while I shared with you that I didn't like how some members behaved, in my head I was so much more critical then they were.
So wrong, but so true.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 139
Mtn, do you have hobbies, etc? You live in a lovely part of the world! I would give anything to have mountains to see and climb! Anyway, I have thought about finding something new to do...I do rescue work and while worthy cause, it is killing me (very difficult day in-day out). Good luck to you, and hang in there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Tahoe CA
Posts: 1,098
Thanks Chris. Yes I do live in a beautiful place. I try and be grateful for that.
I hate winter though. Yep, what in the he11 am I doing on the top of this mountain for 26 years? This was an incredible place to raise two son's. Now
that they are gone, I have no need to stay here, but then where do I go?
26 years is a long time in one place.
I am looking to fill those gaps with volunteering or other activities. I think
I need to go beyond looking and just do. Like I mentioned, I feel really crummy and it needs to move me towards something positive and not another
relapse. Relapsing is what I know best.
I hate winter though. Yep, what in the he11 am I doing on the top of this mountain for 26 years? This was an incredible place to raise two son's. Now
that they are gone, I have no need to stay here, but then where do I go?
26 years is a long time in one place.
I am looking to fill those gaps with volunteering or other activities. I think
I need to go beyond looking and just do. Like I mentioned, I feel really crummy and it needs to move me towards something positive and not another
relapse. Relapsing is what I know best.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 609
I think you may have the two month jitters, it will pass if you ride it out and you will find yourself in command of the next phase of recovery.
I am not currently in AA, I left and went to counseling instead primarily because it was such a long distance to travel to a meeting. But I did have some let down experiences like yours. With my long time as a mental health/recovery patient however, I have come to recognize that people like us may not always be so reliable, and we don't tend to have very good personal boundaries. I'm not giving excuses but I went into AA expecting some people to not live up to their promises, and I determined to make the program itself my focus. Please don't leave the AA program just as a result of a kneejerk response to something that occurred, that's the first way this disease often finds its way back in.
I can understand how the reunion may have thrown you a little off balance. At times like this, I usually spent a few quiet days and called on support as I needed to, I have a health service I can always contact and they have been great.
If you do leave AA, then it's a good idea to find something as soon as you can that is a viable alternative. Sometimes yes we do need to make changes to what we are doing, but be mindful that some stability is also important.
I am not currently in AA, I left and went to counseling instead primarily because it was such a long distance to travel to a meeting. But I did have some let down experiences like yours. With my long time as a mental health/recovery patient however, I have come to recognize that people like us may not always be so reliable, and we don't tend to have very good personal boundaries. I'm not giving excuses but I went into AA expecting some people to not live up to their promises, and I determined to make the program itself my focus. Please don't leave the AA program just as a result of a kneejerk response to something that occurred, that's the first way this disease often finds its way back in.
I can understand how the reunion may have thrown you a little off balance. At times like this, I usually spent a few quiet days and called on support as I needed to, I have a health service I can always contact and they have been great.
If you do leave AA, then it's a good idea to find something as soon as you can that is a viable alternative. Sometimes yes we do need to make changes to what we are doing, but be mindful that some stability is also important.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 139
Originally Posted by mtnmagic 
Thanks Chris. Yes I do live in a beautiful place. I try and be grateful for that.
I hate winter though. Yep, what in the he11 am I doing on the top of this mountain for 26 years? This was an incredible place to raise two son's. Now
that they are gone, I have no need to stay here, but then where do I go?
26 years is a long time in one place.
I am looking to fill those gaps with volunteering or other activities. I think
I need to go beyond looking and just do. Like I mentioned, I feel really crummy and it needs to move me towards something positive and not another
relapse. Relapsing is what I know best.
I hate winter though. Yep, what in the he11 am I doing on the top of this mountain for 26 years? This was an incredible place to raise two son's. Now
that they are gone, I have no need to stay here, but then where do I go?
26 years is a long time in one place.
I am looking to fill those gaps with volunteering or other activities. I think
I need to go beyond looking and just do. Like I mentioned, I feel really crummy and it needs to move me towards something positive and not another
relapse. Relapsing is what I know best.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Quote.. "This may (probably) is a case of "Don't you know who I am, and how hard this is for me right now." Without verbalizing it how could anyone know?
This for me, sums up several of my experiences in a nutshell. I call it my emotional hangover.
Firstly..
big smiles for not drinking thru any of this!
Secondly, this is where my sponsor and the program have changed how I experience times just as you describe. A sponsor and working the steps have set me on a path that allows me to not only be in situations which make me feel a bit less then. It also helps me with the emotional hangover I experience after such situations.
I talk to my sponsor about any situation I may attend that has me feeling a bit off my game. I also bring up in a meeting exactly what I am feeling. Because...most times, someone else is experiencing the same thing.
Then, as others share their E,S & H, I learn.
Enjoy your beautiful mountain...and I hope spring shares it beauty with you very soon.
This for me, sums up several of my experiences in a nutshell. I call it my emotional hangover.
Firstly..
big smiles for not drinking thru any of this!Secondly, this is where my sponsor and the program have changed how I experience times just as you describe. A sponsor and working the steps have set me on a path that allows me to not only be in situations which make me feel a bit less then. It also helps me with the emotional hangover I experience after such situations.
I talk to my sponsor about any situation I may attend that has me feeling a bit off my game. I also bring up in a meeting exactly what I am feeling. Because...most times, someone else is experiencing the same thing.
Then, as others share their E,S & H, I learn.
Enjoy your beautiful mountain...and I hope spring shares it beauty with you very soon.
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