Ksquared87

Hey everybody,
Well I was going a little over a month strong until last night and then relapsed. Can't believe how horrible how feel about it...i have been doing a lot of work with an addiction counselor and this week we finally hit on the fact that I am a co-dependent. I never really shared my story on here till now but my mother was and still is a prescription drug addict. I guess I always tried to shrug it off and pretend like it didn't effect me. But what i've learned in my days of sobriety is that it still does. I have been a visitor in and out of hospitals more times then i share to recall. I have seen the one person who is suppose to love me most in this world chose an addiction over me. I have seen someone I love struggle to survive, and live to progress into the fifth grade version of themselves where coloring pictures in a psychic ward is worth more then spending time doing something with their son...I have too many memories of things like this going on then I care to share. Please help guys...what do I do? My addiction counselor tells me that I need to eliminate this person from my life. But, my family that I live with is reluctant to exclude my mother from coming into our home...I am really at a crossroade here guys...

Ksquared87

I guess a little more story is in order. Right now I live with my grandparents (who share a house with my uncle and aunt and two cousins). My grandparents are major enablers and codependents as well (I'm trying to tell them this) but I understand it is a hard thing to understand....

Ksquared87

Please somebody...I need some kind of advice

ste

Sounds like a really tough situation. The first thing that comes to mind is move, change your surroundings, but that may not be possible. Isolating yourself in that environment could bring on it's own problems, sounds like your isolating somewhat already.
Easier said than done, but find some outside activities you enjoy, not just something to stay away. I've heard and believe (little personal experience) volunteer work is very rewarding. Lots of organizations worldwide (don't know where you are) need and appreciate volunteers. Ask your counselor.

Theophania

I have family members who are alcoholic, but an addiction is an addiction right. I can completely relate to what you have said in your OP. I know the pain of watching your loved ones waste away at the hands of a disease that they have no control over. I myself have seen numerous counsellors over the years, I have attended alanon meetings, but for me what has helped the most is taking care of myself. I too found myself gripped by alcohol addiction. I have joined AA and I have found that putting me number one is the best bloody thing I could have done in the world. I have heard many times that you can carry the message but you can't carry the alkie, it applies here too. As much as it hurts, you really need to let your mum go. You are the most important thing in the world, and you need to look after you. She can take care of her own problems. If you can't move out of your grandparents house perhaps if you know she is coming over head out and catch a movie, or go do some yard work, go see some friends or simply just sit in your room and watch a movie or meditate and take a nap... I am so sorry for what you are going through, because I know how much it hurts. I hope you can find peace soon.

littlefish

Hello Ksquared:
Your situation sounds very difficult. Yes, it is a shocker when we alcoholics discover that we are also codependent to parents, siblings, husbands, wives, children.
I would recommend that you visit the friends and family forum: there is such a wealth of great advice there and this topic: detaching, is a very big one there.

There is also a lot of discussion there about boundaries.

Maybe you don't have to reject your mother completely, but create some boundaries. (??) I remember that I told my alcoholic father that I wouldn't talk to him when he was actively drinking. That was a boundary: I was only about 14 at the time, but I needed to have boundaries.

I have had to set up boundaries with my active alcoholic brothers: not buying alcohol for them. Not going to bars with them. Meeting them for lunches and breakfasts in non-alcoholic settings.
I didn't eliminate them from my life completely because I still wanted contact with them. If you don't really want any contact with your mother, then don't have contact. If you continue contact to please others, that is not good for you. Do what is best for your recovery.

eddie73

I think that a month sobriety is a good start. But you will find that people relapse back to old drinking ways after decades if u drop your guard and stop the program.

Your environment isnt helping at all. Again, it will depend on you no mater where you are and in what ever circumstance to stay sober.

Reubena

Glad you are still posting after your relapse! That is a a step in the right direction. I know when I relapsed I would spend years away from SR

A lot of us here are addicts and codependents. It's good that you can recognize your codependence now as that often is the root of addiction. There are a lot of great books out there on codependency... Maybe start reading and learning. My suggestion is right now focus on you and no one else. Us codies always like to fix other people, but really what we need to fix is ourselves.

There is a great thread on SR called Codependency and beyond which might be helpful for you. It can be found here.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...part-17-a.html

Grateful that you posted, keep us updated.

FrothyJay

Recovery is an inside-out approach, not outside in. While our environment often makes it incredibly difficult to stay sober, trying to make adjustments to it is impossible. We have to change, or be changed.

It's like a boat that sees a storm coming. Does the crew spend time preparing the boat for the storm, or trying to change the weather?

The AA program says that nothing short of a spiritual awakening can relieve us of our alcoholism and addiction. We can be altered in such a way-- internally reorganized-- so that we are relieved of our obsession to drink and use.

"We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us." This is a promise of AA-- after we've begun our work on the 9th step.

CarolD

I'm guessing here..but if your Mom has regressed to the mental
state of some sort of dementia....my experience when I worked
in elder care....was that they no longer knew who was where.

For instance I took care of a lady..60 hours weekly 50 weeks
per year for 3 years..
each time I came to her she thought I was someone new.
No point in telling her over and over that I was not...that got
her upset. Yes...she too enjoyed coloring and music was also soothing.

Sorry if this does not fit but I wanted you to know...it's a sad
thing to watch and hard to deal with.

praers going out to both of you...

Lenetrk

Your story really brings home the innocent victims of addiction. I am a Mom and I am an addict. What you are going through is exactly what my kids went through. During my years of using the only thing that I focused on was myself. I guess you could say I was what they call a "functioning addict". Yes I took care of their daily needs but it never accured to me that their emotional wellbeing was being destroyed. It wasn't until years later that my daughter,after years of trying to convince me I needed help that she finally told me "if you don't get help I am dead to you". At the time it seemed so cruel but what was cruel was what I had put these kids through. It was that dose of harsh reality that forced to to reevaluate my life. I was either going to get help or loose the most important people in my life. The one thing I do want to say is codependency was a hugh part of our lives. My daughter was more like a Mom to me. But years later I can now say they had every right to want me completely out of their lives. What I was doing was destroying any sort of a normal happy life that they DESERVED.Sometimes you do need to walk away. You deserve better than this. God Bless

Lenetrk

You need to concentrate on your own sobiety. 30 days is a lot to be proud of. And because you have experienced it first hand you know the dire consequences that comes from addiction. And you don't want that for yourself. No it's not easy but you can do this. You already proved it by going 30 days. My heart and prayers are with you and keep up the good work. You are worth it! Keep posting this is a great place to get the support and encouragment you need.

Ksquared87

I've known for a long time that this environment around me isn't helping my mental state at the moment. Unfortunately I am stuck due to financial reasons for now, I'll be moving out in September. Thank you everyone for the advice and wishes... I need to do some work on figuring out my own needs, but as weird as it's sounds I really can't figure out how to be good to myself (where do I start, what do I do different, etc.) Hopefully, that'll come with time

michelle01

Moving out from the first month can be like entering the next and the longer term phase of sobriety, which has its own challenges. The physical symptoms of withdrawal should be clearing up, but now we have to come to grips with the patterns in our lives that have the habit of repeating themselves, many of them very long term. I found counseling helpful in my case for getting to the bottom of it, learning to interrupt the cycle.

It took awhile for me to succeed in getting past that first month. I've learned that I have to be very careful with myself at times of sobriety milestones. Part of my mind says 'okay, it's been this long now, you deserve to have a drink'. I've had to find more positive ways to reward myself for accomplishments.

As per the living situation, drinking really doesn't make it any better, over time it actually robs you of your coping skills and the ability to look after yourself. I had to put my sobriety above all else and make it my focus. Hang in there, as they say 'this too shall pass' and get all the outside support you need to in the meantime.

Dee74

Hi Ksquared

First off congratultions on that month, and for getting back here so quickly

A lot of people here live in situations that are less than ideal - it makes things tougher for sure but it's by no means impossible to do the right thing by yourself and stay sober.

If there's really no way you can move - try to set up some boundaries, try to stay focused on your own well-being...and read here and post as often as you like Ksquared - use the support and ideas you'll find here on SR

D