Not AA Worthy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 20
Not AA Worthy
Hi, just needed to vent the hurt and sadness I'm feeling right now. I'm 4 1/2 months sober. This is one of many attempts over the last year 1/2. I'm going to outpatient rehab and attending AA meeting on a semi regular basis. I met a woman in my outpatient rehab group last year, we've been friends over the last several months and talk on a regular basis. Today she stated in a text she was praying that I would reach out to some other women in AA and attend more meetings. This is very difficult for me as I've explained to her in the past. I'm a very shy and introverted person when I first meet people, it takes time for me to come out of my comfort zone. I asked her not to pressure me please its something that is hard for me. She wrote back that if I was not willing to work on my recovery our friendship would suffer as it already has.
I wasn't aware our friendship depended on my participation in AA. I told her I suppose she's right i'm not working my program as instructed by AA and should probably step back from the friendship as to not hurt her recovery.
My heart is sick as I thought she was a good friend of mine but I can't say that I will do what is suggested just because she/AA thinks it's whats best for me. I enjoy meetings and get alot out of them but have not felt a bond with any of the women i've met at this point. I'm hoping it will happen in time, but like I said it takes a while for me sometimes.
To be honest, this type of attitude "do exactly as we say or your not working your program" turns me off...especially coming from someone who's friendship I valued. This will not make AA friendships any easier for me.
And I thought I was doing so good, this is the longest period of sobriety I've had after 6 years of daily drinking...big blow to my morale.
I wasn't aware our friendship depended on my participation in AA. I told her I suppose she's right i'm not working my program as instructed by AA and should probably step back from the friendship as to not hurt her recovery.
My heart is sick as I thought she was a good friend of mine but I can't say that I will do what is suggested just because she/AA thinks it's whats best for me. I enjoy meetings and get alot out of them but have not felt a bond with any of the women i've met at this point. I'm hoping it will happen in time, but like I said it takes a while for me sometimes.
To be honest, this type of attitude "do exactly as we say or your not working your program" turns me off...especially coming from someone who's friendship I valued. This will not make AA friendships any easier for me.
And I thought I was doing so good, this is the longest period of sobriety I've had after 6 years of daily drinking...big blow to my morale.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
Congratulations on your 4 1/2 months sober!
I don't go to meetings, but I can sure understand how you would feel hurt by her comments. Personally, I think it's sad that she can only offer friendship to very specific people in her life. Don't let her stand in the way of you going to AA meetings if that's what you want and need to do.
You are doing well and be proud of how far you've come. You are the person who knows what will work for you and what won't. And, for me, part of my early recovery depended on me being true to myself. I had always caved in when someone asked me to do something and I knew I could not continue to live that way.
I don't go to meetings, but I can sure understand how you would feel hurt by her comments. Personally, I think it's sad that she can only offer friendship to very specific people in her life. Don't let her stand in the way of you going to AA meetings if that's what you want and need to do.
You are doing well and be proud of how far you've come. You are the person who knows what will work for you and what won't. And, for me, part of my early recovery depended on me being true to myself. I had always caved in when someone asked me to do something and I knew I could not continue to live that way.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
She wrote back that if I was not willing to work on my recovery our friendship would suffer as it already has.
If it were me, I'd try to get up the nerve to ask her what she meant by that, and hope that there would be some explanation for it. Really, what does your attendance have to do with being friends?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
First - 4 1/2 months is HUGE, so congratulations!
This woman sounds a bit rigid in her thinking to me, and her attitude probably says more about her than it does about you. Seriously, I would not take this personally. She is doing what works for her, hopefully - but it's not cool to reject someone who isn't ready to move at the same pace. But perhaps she is fragile right now and needs to stick to like-minded people, for her this is perfectly OK; for you it's not and that is OK too.
If you are looking for a bond within AA, maybe expand your meetings and go to different ones?
This woman sounds a bit rigid in her thinking to me, and her attitude probably says more about her than it does about you. Seriously, I would not take this personally. She is doing what works for her, hopefully - but it's not cool to reject someone who isn't ready to move at the same pace. But perhaps she is fragile right now and needs to stick to like-minded people, for her this is perfectly OK; for you it's not and that is OK too.
If you are looking for a bond within AA, maybe expand your meetings and go to different ones?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 806
Originally Posted by dreanick 
Hi, just needed to vent the hurt and sadness I'm feeling right now. I'm 4 1/2 months sober. This is one of many attempts over the last year 1/2. I'm going to outpatient rehab and attending AA meeting on a semi regular basis. I met a woman in my outpatient rehab group last year, we've been friends over the last several months and talk on a regular basis. Today she stated in a text she was praying that I would reach out to some other women in AA and attend more meetings. This is very difficult for me as I've explained to her in the past. I'm a very shy and introverted person when I first meet people, it takes time for me to come out of my comfort zone. I asked her not to pressure me please its something that is hard for me. She wrote back that if I was not willing to work on my recovery our friendship would suffer as it already has.
I wasn't aware our friendship depended on my participation in AA. I told her I suppose she's right i'm not working my program as instructed by AA and should probably step back from the friendship as to not hurt her recovery.
My heart is sick as I thought she was a good friend of mine but I can't say that I will do what is suggested just because she/AA thinks it's whats best for me. I enjoy meetings and get alot out of them but have not felt a bond with any of the women i've met at this point. I'm hoping it will happen in time, but like I said it takes a while for me sometimes.
To be honest, this type of attitude "do exactly as we say or your not working your program" turns me off...especially coming from someone who's friendship I valued. This will not make AA friendships any easier for me.
And I thought I was doing so good, this is the longest period of sobriety I've had after 6 years of daily drinking...big blow to my morale.
I wasn't aware our friendship depended on my participation in AA. I told her I suppose she's right i'm not working my program as instructed by AA and should probably step back from the friendship as to not hurt her recovery.
My heart is sick as I thought she was a good friend of mine but I can't say that I will do what is suggested just because she/AA thinks it's whats best for me. I enjoy meetings and get alot out of them but have not felt a bond with any of the women i've met at this point. I'm hoping it will happen in time, but like I said it takes a while for me sometimes.
To be honest, this type of attitude "do exactly as we say or your not working your program" turns me off...especially coming from someone who's friendship I valued. This will not make AA friendships any easier for me.
And I thought I was doing so good, this is the longest period of sobriety I've had after 6 years of daily drinking...big blow to my morale.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Instead of texting...maybe call her like artsoul said. I would want to 'hear' her answer, too.
First of all, I think texting is an easy way out for alot of people. If she was a friend she should have called YOU. Alot of people break up, or say not so nice things, via texting b/c its an easy way out. You can say what you feel b/c you aren't actually see/talking to the person, right? Wrong....I, personally, think its the chicken way out.
If she was having such issues with your friendship she should have called.
Secondly, I can understand how hard it is for you to initiate friendships. It is hard to put into words but I know how you feel. Trust me.
A friend that took me to AA just loves her sponsor -they are best friends, etc...I, OTOH, have reservations about friendship relations...not sure why -I just do. I'm talking women friendships here, women bonding, women fellowship.
I think that will be part of my recovery process b/c I have yet, in my adult years to have a friend that I feel comfortable with.
I digress, I would be pissed -call her!!
First of all, I think texting is an easy way out for alot of people. If she was a friend she should have called YOU. Alot of people break up, or say not so nice things, via texting b/c its an easy way out. You can say what you feel b/c you aren't actually see/talking to the person, right? Wrong....I, personally, think its the chicken way out.
If she was having such issues with your friendship she should have called.
Secondly, I can understand how hard it is for you to initiate friendships. It is hard to put into words but I know how you feel. Trust me.
A friend that took me to AA just loves her sponsor -they are best friends, etc...I, OTOH, have reservations about friendship relations...not sure why -I just do. I'm talking women friendships here, women bonding, women fellowship.
I think that will be part of my recovery process b/c I have yet, in my adult years to have a friend that I feel comfortable with.
I digress, I would be pissed -call her!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 20
Anna - Thank you so much for your advice. I agree it's a personal thing and everyone needs to do it their way. I've had a lot of people say to me my thinking got me in this mess so I need to listen to others advice and do as they tell me but this doesn't work for everyone.
Artsoul - I agree, not sure why it would hurt our friendship but I guess Stevie is spot on that she is in a fragile place in her recovery and needs to stick to those that attend meeting regularly. I do enjoy meetings but find a mix of activities helps me stay focused on staying sober.
Thanks so much all, this was exactly what I need right now. You have no idea what a wonderful thing it is to reach out to all of you and get a response so quickly. It's alot easier to do it this way then make a phone call. Maybe I'm a chicken but I'm a sober chicken right now....
I don't think I'll call her as she is in recovery as well and do not intend to change the way i'm working my program at this moment. Obviously not the friendship I thought it was.
Artsoul - I agree, not sure why it would hurt our friendship but I guess Stevie is spot on that she is in a fragile place in her recovery and needs to stick to those that attend meeting regularly. I do enjoy meetings but find a mix of activities helps me stay focused on staying sober.
Thanks so much all, this was exactly what I need right now. You have no idea what a wonderful thing it is to reach out to all of you and get a response so quickly. It's alot easier to do it this way then make a phone call. Maybe I'm a chicken but I'm a sober chicken right now....
I don't think I'll call her as she is in recovery as well and do not intend to change the way i'm working my program at this moment. Obviously not the friendship I thought it was.
Last edited by dreanick; 03-12-2011 at 04:42 PM. Reason: additon
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You know what I'm wondering, is whether she feels you are leaning on her a bit too much rather than the rest of the Fellowship. It might not be that she is being critical of you, so much as she is afraid she is becoming your sole support, which can be a tough place to be.
Maybe you should think about finding a sponsor, rather than relying so heavily on a friend. Not that you need to cut out being friends, but sponsors are really the ones who you should be able to lean on the most.
Maybe you should think about finding a sponsor, rather than relying so heavily on a friend. Not that you need to cut out being friends, but sponsors are really the ones who you should be able to lean on the most.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 20
Lexie - You may be right, I recently lost a very close friend to alcoholism and avoid alot of friends still using so I do rely on our friendship alot right now. I thought it was a mutual thing but maybe i've become to much for her.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 150
She may be in a bad place in her sobriety and be shutting others out also. I think you're doing well if you're sober!! I have a hard time opening up to people, even though I don't come across as shy. I get why it's hard, it is for a lot of us who relied on alcohol in order to be social.
All that said, you do need a sponsor also! I'd choose carefully, but at least find a temp. sponsor in the meantime. That will give her some space. Congrats on your sobriety.
All that said, you do need a sponsor also! I'd choose carefully, but at least find a temp. sponsor in the meantime. That will give her some space. Congrats on your sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
Other people are sick to. I agree with you that would be frustrating and turn me off as well. Honestly to me, AA is about admitting we are powerless of alcohol, finding a higher power, cleaning up the things that stand between us and our HP, staying in constant contact with our HP, and helping others..
Nowhere in that description does it say 90 in 90, hit a meeting per day, do it exactly this way etc... My point is, whatever you are doing is working. 4.5 months is a long time. A lot of that "tough love" or "angry AA" turns me off as well.
Hang in there!
Nowhere in that description does it say 90 in 90, hit a meeting per day, do it exactly this way etc... My point is, whatever you are doing is working. 4.5 months is a long time. A lot of that "tough love" or "angry AA" turns me off as well.
Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
I would not let this type of pressure tactic turn you off AA if you get something out of going to meetings. Just avoid these control oriented folk or go to some other meeting where they aren't there. I've been to lots of meetings and rarely encounter this kind of pressure. Each person should be free to find his or her own way. Just avoid these people but if they confront you, say, "I'm in charge of my own recovery. Thank you for offering to help but I'd greatly appreciate it if you let me alone.
W.
W.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 20
Thanks folks, your advice is golden. Its okay for me to go at my own pace and work it how I see fit. I think I'll take wpainterw's advice and check out some different meetings. Having all this support at my fingertips is great! I've been lurking for months but rarely post...finally out the shell (hiding behind the computer... but baby steps). I'm happy to say I didn't drink over the emotions I felt which is huge for me. I can finally say it hardly crossed my mind..a few months ago I would have made it the perfect excuse for a drink. This time I took it to SR and the result was way better than any drink would have done for me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 715
Dreanick -
I hate unsolicited advice, which is funny since I used to give it all the time. The thing is, I always thought I was helping people and I wanted to, I really did, I just didn't understand that giving people help they didn't ask for was infringing on their personal right to, you know, live their own lives. My recovery is my responsibility, and so is everyone else's but Al-Anon taught me that, not AA.
I hate unsolicited advice, which is funny since I used to give it all the time. The thing is, I always thought I was helping people and I wanted to, I really did, I just didn't understand that giving people help they didn't ask for was infringing on their personal right to, you know, live their own lives. My recovery is my responsibility, and so is everyone else's but Al-Anon taught me that, not AA.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi -
I hope you'll go back and read this entire thread.
Your first post was so 'down'
it was so clear that you were hurt.
And you did a wonderful thing -
you came here to SR and spoke your pain...
... and by post #8 -
the entire energy had shifted.
SR has its miracles too!
LOVE this joint!
CONGRATULATIONS on 4 and a half months that's HUGE!!!!!
I hope you'll go back and read this entire thread.
Your first post was so 'down'
it was so clear that you were hurt.
And you did a wonderful thing -
you came here to SR and spoke your pain...
... and by post #8 -
the entire energy had shifted.
SR has its miracles too!
LOVE this joint!
CONGRATULATIONS on 4 and a half months that's HUGE!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 20
Thanks Barb, I couldn't agree more. The kind words and encourgement here was exactly what I needed, it absolutely lifted me from the hurt/angry place I was in! SR reminded me that 4 months is huge for me and all that really matters is that I dont drink.
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