Not AA Worthy
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 270
Sounds like your friend wants you to get more relief than you've been allowing yourself to get so far. If she's doing things and getting results it would make sense that she's getting well and you're holding yourself back, and that would make you undesirable as a friend.
I've let friendships go when people are stagnant and refusing to do much of anything to grow. They become sick and negative and an emotional drag to be around.
May have just gotten to the point where she understands she cannot and is not willing to continue filling your needs, and wants you to look for a less temporary answer than leaning heavily on her for support.
If you get busy growing she may have done you a huge favor by being so honest. Should you do that you'll become more attractive to people and learn some lessons on two-way friendships.
I've let friendships go when people are stagnant and refusing to do much of anything to grow. They become sick and negative and an emotional drag to be around.
May have just gotten to the point where she understands she cannot and is not willing to continue filling your needs, and wants you to look for a less temporary answer than leaning heavily on her for support.
If you get busy growing she may have done you a huge favor by being so honest. Should you do that you'll become more attractive to people and learn some lessons on two-way friendships.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
cabledude: Sorry but I cannot agree. Friendships are one thing. Assuming that you can somehow influence and "manage" another person's recovery is quite another. Having continued "friendship" depend on the "progress" which another person is making, or the "progress" which one somehow assumes another person is making, seems to me intrusive. This is why at AA meetings it is generally considered preferable for a person to say, "This is what worked for me. It may or may not work for you but maybe it's worth your consideration. (but whatever way you choose you're always welcome and you'll be my friend.)"
When dreanick says that she will go at her own pace and try different meetings and that she's not drinking over it as might have been the situation earlier, this is a major step and something to build on. Congratulations dreanick! You've got some wonderful recovery time! You're well on your way! Build on that and you'll really be amazed what happens!
W.
When dreanick says that she will go at her own pace and try different meetings and that she's not drinking over it as might have been the situation earlier, this is a major step and something to build on. Congratulations dreanick! You've got some wonderful recovery time! You're well on your way! Build on that and you'll really be amazed what happens!
W.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 270
WP, I agree we cannot manage anyone's recovery and that it's a waste of time to try.
What I was talking about was that it's often wise to cut people loose who settle for being stuck and aren't willing to do much to get better. That's just deciding about the kind of people we want to be involved with in our sober life. We're not required to become friends with everyone who wants to be our friend. Same with enemies, lovers, ect.
It's just part of the freedom that comes with living sober.
What I was talking about was that it's often wise to cut people loose who settle for being stuck and aren't willing to do much to get better. That's just deciding about the kind of people we want to be involved with in our sober life. We're not required to become friends with everyone who wants to be our friend. Same with enemies, lovers, ect.
It's just part of the freedom that comes with living sober.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Cabledude: Not sure what you mean by "cut people loose". Does friendship mean that they are tied up in some way, like on a leash? To me a friend is a friend and stays a friend even though I might have reservations about some of his or her habits, political beliefs, etc. For example, I have one friend who has political views which are to me abhorrent, is in some respects what many would call a racist bigot. He's been my friend though for years and will continue to be one, since he's got a sense of humor and he's fond of me and I of him. Occasionaly he drinks too much and calls those who don't "alkies".I don't think he's ever going to change or, as you say, "get better". Should I "cut him loose"? I would not know how to do this since he's never been on my leash. Who am I to say that he should "get better" or I won't be his friend any more? I agree with you that I'm not "required" to be his friend. I never thought I was. Friendship is not that way with me. I am not friends with folks merely because I am "required" to be. It would be presumptuous for me to say that, as a condition of my friendship, he must change his ways and live according to my standards.
W.
W.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by dreanick 
To be honest, this type of attitude "do exactly as we say or your not working your program" turns me off...
"Giving the newcomer options is not an act of kindness."
(Clarence S.)
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by dreanick
Hi, just needed to vent the hurt and sadness I'm feeling right now. I'm 4 1/2 months sober. This is one of many attempts over the last year 1/2. I'm going to outpatient rehab and attending AA meeting on a semi regular basis. I met a woman in my outpatient rehab group last year, we've been friends over the last several months and talk on a regular basis. Today she stated in a text she was praying that I would reach out to some other women in AA and attend more meetings. This is very difficult for me as I've explained to her in the past. I'm a very shy and introverted person when I first meet people, it takes time for me to come out of my comfort zone. I asked her not to pressure me please its something that is hard for me. She wrote back that if I was not willing to work on my recovery our friendship would suffer as it already has.
I wasn't aware our friendship depended on my participation in AA. I told her I suppose she's right i'm not working my program as instructed by AA and should probably step back from the friendship as to not hurt her recovery.
My heart is sick as I thought she was a good friend of mine but I can't say that I will do what is suggested just because she/AA thinks it's whats best for me. I enjoy meetings and get alot out of them but have not felt a bond with any of the women i've met at this point. I'm hoping it will happen in time, but like I said it takes a while for me sometimes.
To be honest, this type of attitude "do exactly as we say or your not working your program" turns me off...especially coming from someone who's friendship I valued. This will not make AA friendships any easier for me.
And I thought I was doing so good, this is the longest period of sobriety I've had after 6 years of daily drinking...big blow to my morale.
I wasn't aware our friendship depended on my participation in AA. I told her I suppose she's right i'm not working my program as instructed by AA and should probably step back from the friendship as to not hurt her recovery.
My heart is sick as I thought she was a good friend of mine but I can't say that I will do what is suggested just because she/AA thinks it's whats best for me. I enjoy meetings and get alot out of them but have not felt a bond with any of the women i've met at this point. I'm hoping it will happen in time, but like I said it takes a while for me sometimes.
To be honest, this type of attitude "do exactly as we say or your not working your program" turns me off...especially coming from someone who's friendship I valued. This will not make AA friendships any easier for me.
And I thought I was doing so good, this is the longest period of sobriety I've had after 6 years of daily drinking...big blow to my morale.
I am coming up on 6 months of sobriety. I have attended AA pretty much everyday and totally relate to what you have experienced.
They sit at the tables at bang their fist saying "get a home group" "get into service work" "get a sponser" "get a support group" "work the steps ASAP" "got to as many meetings as possible".
Well I have a home group and clean up and bring food to the meeting. I found a sponser but she doesn't work the steps with me. I had a small support group but one moved and the other 2 went back out drinking!!
Comments like this woman made to you make you lose what little trust you have in people. I have had people use me and make worse comments then that.
I AM NOT KNOCKING AA cuz I use it and am going to keep on using it. We are all sick in our thinking when we get sober.
Luckily I see an addictions counselor (in recovery for 30 years herself) she helps me sort things out.
Right now I am "shoping" for a support group and a new sponser, so she suggested to try different meetings. If you can't find what you are looking for at one store you go to another.
Say a prayer and ask the God of your understanding to send or show you people who will support you.
On the coins they give out it says TO THY OWN SELF BE TRUE. You are doing great and keep up the good work. Just don't let your addictive voice use any of this as an excuse to drink!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
O.K. Anna: Now this is for Dreanick: You said you thought you were "doing so good"and that your heart is "sick". Look at it this way. To me at least it looks like you're doing very good indeed. You have four and a half months of sobriety. That's a very significant achievement since the first half year of sobriety is an enormous challenge and many don't make it that far. You're following the program as you see it. Good for you! Don't let others push you around with threats of withdrawing "friendship" unless you shape up according to their standards. You can listen to what they have to say if you want to but make up your own mind about just how you want to proceed. Some people don't go to AA at all and still get sober. I found that AA presented some problems and didn't do everything that they suggested but still found that sobriety was easier to maintain with the help of some group, AA or otherwise. But anyway, you do it your way. Your "friend" is not the only fish in the pond. And there are all kinds of meetings, AA or otherwise. Now give yourself a big pat on the back and let's have three cheers-for you! And every good wish.
W.
W.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 20
wpainterw- Agreed, that is the exact reason I was so hurt by it. I'll take it as a lesson learned that this person is not the friend I thought they were and move on. I feel good about the way I handled it and I won't let it deter me from meeting attendance. Thank you!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: kokomo
Posts: 73
I enjoy meetings and get alot out of them but have not felt a bond with any of the women i've met at this point. I'm hoping it will happen in time, but like I said it takes a while for me sometimes.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Hey dreanick ----
I'm all for everything said by wpainterw.......great post (# 28).....!
You've gotten a lot of great suggestions; there's only one thing I can think of.........:
In the future, if anyone comes up to you and tries to tell you that you're not working the Program correctly, or tries to tell you how it's done.....well, you just tell em that you're working AA's 12-Step Program just like a friend of yours, online, does it (that 'friend' would be moi, of course....LOLOL). You can call it AA's 12-Step Program, but your friend prefers what she calls it......... "I call it the Fox Mulder approach to AA's 12-Step Program-----trust NO ONE.....!
Keep on Truckin'
NoelleR
I'm all for everything said by wpainterw.......great post (# 28).....!
You've gotten a lot of great suggestions; there's only one thing I can think of.........:
In the future, if anyone comes up to you and tries to tell you that you're not working the Program correctly, or tries to tell you how it's done.....well, you just tell em that you're working AA's 12-Step Program just like a friend of yours, online, does it (that 'friend' would be moi, of course....LOLOL). You can call it AA's 12-Step Program, but your friend prefers what she calls it......... "I call it the Fox Mulder approach to AA's 12-Step Program-----trust NO ONE.....!
Keep on Truckin'
NoelleR
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Well, sorry about that Dreanick. But, as they say," The proof is in the pudding".
Sober 4 1/2 months is fantastic. I am delighted that you came here to ask about this. You don't have to take this personally. Your friend is not well informed on what is going on in your head. That is all. We all meet people along the way that help at different points.
Perhaps you have outgrown her. You just keep doing what you are doing. That is what is working. You did not drink on this. That is superb and as others have said upthread, please do not give up AA because of this, as she is not AA.
I think, when people try and explain about her needing to protect herself, that this is a little overkill. If you were phoning her up drunk and upsetting her and not making any progress, that would be relevant. Also, if you told her all your story and were very honest with her and maybe sad at times, she should have just said that she could not deal with that. (Should is a bad word, I know, but she SHOULDA!)
In January, I had a very bad experience with someone in AA. I did not drink either. We win!!!!!!!!! I am at about the same time as you! Sober buddies!
Sober 4 1/2 months is fantastic. I am delighted that you came here to ask about this. You don't have to take this personally. Your friend is not well informed on what is going on in your head. That is all. We all meet people along the way that help at different points.
Perhaps you have outgrown her. You just keep doing what you are doing. That is what is working. You did not drink on this. That is superb and as others have said upthread, please do not give up AA because of this, as she is not AA.
I think, when people try and explain about her needing to protect herself, that this is a little overkill. If you were phoning her up drunk and upsetting her and not making any progress, that would be relevant. Also, if you told her all your story and were very honest with her and maybe sad at times, she should have just said that she could not deal with that. (Should is a bad word, I know, but she SHOULDA!)
In January, I had a very bad experience with someone in AA. I did not drink either. We win!!!!!!!!! I am at about the same time as you! Sober buddies!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 20
You guys are amazing and I can't tell how much this support means to me. Its is truely a wonderful thing to receive this much encouragement, its really made me stop doubting myself and feel good about achieving some solid sober time.
NoelleR- I love your Fox Mulder approach! I've been told I need to turn my will over to others but I'm learning that not everyone knows whats best for me and need to trust myself too.
Hollyanne-I'd love to be sober buddies!
I will be attending a Women's meeting this evening, looking forward to it.
NoelleR- I love your Fox Mulder approach! I've been told I need to turn my will over to others but I'm learning that not everyone knows whats best for me and need to trust myself too.
Hollyanne-I'd love to be sober buddies!
I will be attending a Women's meeting this evening, looking forward to it.
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