Ozgirl

I was on day 12 and was attempting to do 90 meetings in 90 days. I decided to drink yesterday in a controlled manner and told myself I would only have 3 glasses of wine. I had a lot more and got completely trashed. One thing I was always proud of in my active drinking days was that my daughter rarely saw me drunk. She saw me drunk yesterday. I don't remember her father coming to pick her up for the weekend, I don't remember my husband coming home from work. He ended up going for a drive to get away from me because I can be a nasty drunk. He poured out the rest of the alcohol before he left so I walked to the pub and drank more. At the moment I feel like the worst person in the world, the worst mother and the worst wife. I should have been having a lovely evening with my husband but instead I choose drinking. This condition is definitely progressive. There was a time in the past when I could just have a couple but clearly that is no longer the case. I think the only blessing of this is that I now realize I cannot moderate. My husband is being so beautiful and supportive today, I don't deserve him. I want to die. I hate this condition and I hate myself.

EmeraldRose

Well, lesson learned...! Hopefully, you can start at day 1 again?
I can not do moderation. Moderation to me is elaboration.

simplyfab

I think we all go through that period where we wish, hope and believe we can drink in moderation. Obviously, we can't or we wouldn't be alcoholics.
But like you said. You now know you can't and need to stop completely.
Don't beat yourself up too much for your relapse. Instead keep your head up and move foward.
It sounds like you have great support in your husband. Maybe find other support as well.
Good luck to you...

Snarf

One thing I've realized in my recovery is that "normal" drinkers don't think about putting a limit on the number of drinks they consume. They just have a couple drinks and don't get drunk; there's no thought of "I'll stop myself after 3."

I definitely was not a "normal" drinker. Not only would I try to set limits for myself, but I would go beyond those limits every single time. And the cycle would begin again the next day.

ReadyAndAble

Thank you for the post. Reminds me of the moment I realized I couldn't ever drink again. That was a real turning point for me. It was a relief to finally quit trying to control it. Good riddance. Drinking was no fun once I lost control—and once I lost control, I lost control of it for good.

Glad you're back here. It sounds like you have a lot to be grateful for.

farmer

Oh, I know the feeling, I can limit myself, moderate myself. If I touch a 12 pack, it is gone. If I go back for another, it is gone. I am a smart person, done amazing things, you would think I could control this. Nope. That alcoholic mind topic caught me eye. There has to be something in us to put us at such. I would have never taken the first drink if I could have seen 40 years down the road. It just isn't worth. I hate being labeled an alcoholic, I just hate it. We have a bad reputation since the day brew was first made, wine thousands of years ago. Can't hold his liquour, well I wish I couldn't, I really do! Hang in there, I will pray for you and everyone reading this. Please pray for me.

CarolD

Welcome back..

Saliena

Hey there OZ. I had a week much like yours this week. I had a few weeks under my belt and I thought... oh I will have just a couple of drinks.. I deserve it after all. Man oh Man.. did I ever wake up the next day truly hating myself.

The only good thing with me is that my husband and I don't have children. But, I can say that in the past 5 months I have had this progressive relationship with trying to stop drinking. And, it hasn't worked yet. But, here I am again... on day 3. And, this time I went to 2 AA meetings a day instead of the 1-3 I was doing every week. I am deterrmined to make this stick.

And, through it all... I truly understand what it is to feel like your husband is the best man in the world. My husband and I use to have knock down drag out fights. All because I wasn't a nice drunk. You know what now? He knows I struggle.. but, he has stopped with the blame. He knows I am trying... he is encouraging.. and loving and support. And, he pours out or hides the liquor as well. Sometimes that makes me feel all the more ******. But, you know what? I am going to keep going back.. getting the support. Because, I know I didn't get this way overnight... and I need this. So, I am trying again... Hope you can as well.

GodsHolyWill

Please don't hate yourself! If you learned from it that you can't moderate your drinking(I think that's at least most of us here!) then let it be turned into a blessing like you said! We've all fallen! From what I've read on here, it seems that for some of us, after trying to drink moderately after having some sober days under our belt, we go crazy like we're making up for lost time!

BurningChrome

All I can add here is lessons learned, lessons learned. Don't view it as a total failure... LEARN from it and move forward with your life!!

OklaBH

I tried to moderate. It was the definite proof I needed to show me that I truly am alcoholic. One drink and Im gone.

Chris2011

Problem with us is that we know and even tell ourselves only two or three, but we don't CARE after two or three. That the problem. I have done what you have many times...all I can say is I always knew time was my friend and with every day that passed and I didn't drink, all would be better. So pick yourself up and time will pass....keep remembering this day and get better...

lookinforward

Oz...I am sorry that you fell down. Get back up and remind yourself of this event each time that nasty little thought sneaks in your brain and says "Hey you can have just a glass or two". As soon as you have that thought....put the breaks on, regroup, and keep moving forward. We are worth it. day by day. Dave

Stevie1

(((Oz)))

I think all of us have tried to moderate and failed. As others have written here, "we don't shoot our wounded." I know how miserable it feels.

RV GTO

I tried to moderate so many times during my drinking career - after one I wanted another, and another..... then it was over, I would drink until I was incredibly drunk.

As others have said, think of it as a lesson learned. You are far from alone.

eddie73

There is no friggin end to the drinking. It gets worse, and eventually drives u mad and kills u- or rather u kill yourself extremely slowly doing it. Hang in there. Good sober times ahead-u have no choice really.

NEOMARXIST

Yeah. There is no way I could ever moderate my drinking or even would wish to moderate my drinking. I used to try to not let booze overpower me too much ie- blackout, but inevitably once the 3rd can of Stella was down the hatch then I was just off and waking up the next morning with zero or vague recollections of the drunken madness from the prior evening from when people finished work and came home and saw me etcetc.

There is no way once I take a drink that I'm going to be stopping until I pass out. I gained that knowledge through experience and I can relate to alcoholism being progressive. Alcohol really increased its hold on me and all of my drinks were gulped down in one for the last couple of years when i was drinking which intensified the blackouts and ultimately ramped up all of the negative devastating effects of alcoholism and lead me to increase my binging to block out all of the shame.

Peace

Dee74

However sane and reasonable I thought I was when I decided to drink...when I looked at what almost always happened after I drank...and I had 20 years to look back on...it simply wasn't a sane decision.

I'm glad you're back on the right track track Ozgirl

What are you planning to add to what you've been doing, recovery wise?
D

aussieblue

I can't moderate . I don't want just one , I want the lot . It's all or nothing for me.

tallcactus

Don't B so hard on yourself.
Today is another day, just begin again.