parent of addict
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: somerset MA
Posts: 5
parent of addict
Just cruising around and found this site, seems to be quite a few but I figured I'd see about this one. I guess you could say I'm an addict by association but I've finally reached the end of my rope. I guess I'm also looking for confirmation in my plans or decisions.
My daughter is an addict, heroin and xanax. She has had the usual problems, isolating, OUI, jail, custody battles, along with losing touch with family and friends. She left her husband of 10 years and got involved with one of his friends who was/is a dealer but didn't think we knew. She liked how he treated her different than her husband did and I could see why she was attracted to him for that. She eventually moved in with him to a house that was questionable to say the least. Things started falling apart, it got very noticeable that she was using something. She had been in two accidents while driving under the influence. Her jail time was due to probation violations, she didn't feel she had to comply with such stupid laws and rules. So, she went away for four months. I got custody of her kids. During that time, his house was raided and he was arrested for distribution, got 2 yrs probation, 2 yrs suspended sentence. He moved back with his mom who refuses to see what is happening. When she got out of jail, we got together and I laid it on the line as far as how I felt about what was happening. Needless to say, she wasn't happy, denying everything. She got pregnant and had to be supervised more due to the baby and during this time she did very well, back to her old self, talking coherently, etc. Now tho, things are changing again and not for the good. He was arrested this past week for violating his probation, failing his third drug test. When I asked her about what was going on, she finally told me and that was it, sorry, probably not the best way to handle the situation but I told her either she gets help or I'm done until she does. She has taken the step to admitting she is an addict but for some reason she doesn't associate herself with other addicts because she has a roof over her head, kids have things they need, they don't steal, etc which is the life she had with her husband. Anyway, my problem I guess is making sure I do the right thing with her. I probably should have gone to NA meetings 5 years ago but think maybe I was a little afraid to do that. Her boyfriend has a court date on the 17th and I've decided that that is when the decision is going to have to be made as to whether she stays an addict or wants a sober life. I have told her before that two addicts can't get sober together and she needs to work on herself without worrying about someone else. It just makes me so mad that I have to worry about her backsliding and babysitting her. My life has been on hold for so long, from her and her husband, to taking care of her kids while she was in jail, etc that I don't want to do it anymore. I'll take her in and support her efforts if I see efforts being made to get sober, but does that mean I have to be here 24/7 to make sure she's not meeting up with another addict friend or sneaking around trying to get her drugs? I have plans for some weekends coming up and not sure if I have to cancel them because of this. Not sure if she will even take up the offer first of all, but I have a feeling that her boyfriend is going to go to jail for 2 years which will leave her at the mercy of his mother who very well may try to get custody of the new guy and throw her out once she gets a clue to what is going on under her nose. I guess I'm looking for some type of support or suggestions. Thank you.
My daughter is an addict, heroin and xanax. She has had the usual problems, isolating, OUI, jail, custody battles, along with losing touch with family and friends. She left her husband of 10 years and got involved with one of his friends who was/is a dealer but didn't think we knew. She liked how he treated her different than her husband did and I could see why she was attracted to him for that. She eventually moved in with him to a house that was questionable to say the least. Things started falling apart, it got very noticeable that she was using something. She had been in two accidents while driving under the influence. Her jail time was due to probation violations, she didn't feel she had to comply with such stupid laws and rules. So, she went away for four months. I got custody of her kids. During that time, his house was raided and he was arrested for distribution, got 2 yrs probation, 2 yrs suspended sentence. He moved back with his mom who refuses to see what is happening. When she got out of jail, we got together and I laid it on the line as far as how I felt about what was happening. Needless to say, she wasn't happy, denying everything. She got pregnant and had to be supervised more due to the baby and during this time she did very well, back to her old self, talking coherently, etc. Now tho, things are changing again and not for the good. He was arrested this past week for violating his probation, failing his third drug test. When I asked her about what was going on, she finally told me and that was it, sorry, probably not the best way to handle the situation but I told her either she gets help or I'm done until she does. She has taken the step to admitting she is an addict but for some reason she doesn't associate herself with other addicts because she has a roof over her head, kids have things they need, they don't steal, etc which is the life she had with her husband. Anyway, my problem I guess is making sure I do the right thing with her. I probably should have gone to NA meetings 5 years ago but think maybe I was a little afraid to do that. Her boyfriend has a court date on the 17th and I've decided that that is when the decision is going to have to be made as to whether she stays an addict or wants a sober life. I have told her before that two addicts can't get sober together and she needs to work on herself without worrying about someone else. It just makes me so mad that I have to worry about her backsliding and babysitting her. My life has been on hold for so long, from her and her husband, to taking care of her kids while she was in jail, etc that I don't want to do it anymore. I'll take her in and support her efforts if I see efforts being made to get sober, but does that mean I have to be here 24/7 to make sure she's not meeting up with another addict friend or sneaking around trying to get her drugs? I have plans for some weekends coming up and not sure if I have to cancel them because of this. Not sure if she will even take up the offer first of all, but I have a feeling that her boyfriend is going to go to jail for 2 years which will leave her at the mercy of his mother who very well may try to get custody of the new guy and throw her out once she gets a clue to what is going on under her nose. I guess I'm looking for some type of support or suggestions. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: central n00bistan
Posts: 121
Hi Nina not sure what sites you're referring to.
I think you will find a lot of support and like-minded folks right here on the Friends and Family pages.
Wish you all the best, you are not alone
I think you will find a lot of support and like-minded folks right here on the Friends and Family pages.
Wish you all the best, you are not alone
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Woodbridge Virginia
Posts: 67
Parent of an addict
One of the hardest things to do is admit your an addict. Addicts comes in all shapes and sizes,educational backgrounds,etc. But for some reason a lot of people think if you don't live under a bridge on a cardboard box and stand on the cornor with a bucket you can't be an addict. I don't know if your daughter really believes she's an addict or just telling you what she knows you want to hear.I am an addict. And for years my kids would beg me to get help. Part of addiction is being extremely selfish. I couldn't see what they were going through. It wasn't until my daughter gave me an ultimatum "Mom you get help or our relationship is nonexistant." She had to walk away for a while. And for four months I never spoke to her. But that isolation made me realize what I was missing. And thank God it's almost been two years clean. We are all responsible for what ever choices we make. Addicts are very hard to understand unless you've been there. No one wants to be an addict!! And we are very coniving. I always knew the right thing to say, when to turn on the tears. Because I knew the reaction I would get. I wish I had a magic pill that would make things better but until she realizes she is a true addict it's going to be difficult.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Here is the link for you to explore
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
welcome to SR....
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
welcome to SR....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 139
I had a god friend whose son had 3 DUIs under his belt and a drug charge. Judge gave him two choices...jail or a recovery house four states away....for three years. He has been back for 8 years and has completely cleaned up. I believe in tough love for the worst cases.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: somerset MA
Posts: 5
Thank you all.
I thank you all for your words of support. I do know that it is up to her to decide what she's going to do. I have put things off for a while and she knows that I would take her kids so they are taken care of and that's part of what I have to let go of.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
Hi Nina...hopefully you've visited the F and F forum too, I guess you have.
As an alcoholic, I will say: worry about your grandchildren; they are innocents. Be there for your daughter and offer support when she is ready but do NOT do anything at all to enable her.
Best of luck, mom.
As an alcoholic, I will say: worry about your grandchildren; they are innocents. Be there for your daughter and offer support when she is ready but do NOT do anything at all to enable her.
Best of luck, mom.
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