THIS is what gets to me.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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THIS is what gets to me.
So today I had to go out and do a bunch of stuff. I take Xanax before I go out to prevent panic attacks, and I get everything done as quickly as possible to take advantage of that 'window' before the meds start to wear off. 2 weeks ago I probably would have had 2mg and a couple of drinks to get me going before I left the house. Today it was down to 1mg and no drinks, which is definitely some good progress considering it's only been a week.
What I didn't realize until today was that a voice starts to creep into my head about an hour into it that tells me 'cheer up - you've got drinks waiting when you get home'. As the hours wear on that voice gets more persistent. Literally around every 5 minutes my brain was saying 'Yay! You get to drink!' Then I would have to conjure up a new voice that says 'No, sorry - you don't.' My brain would be crestfallen for a while, but it wouldn't be long before it came back saying 'Yay! You get to drink!' It was like dealing with an insane toddler.
So now I feel rather depressed. And angry, because I feel like I'm denying myself something I want and deserve, rather than something that I don't want because it's screwing up my life.
What I didn't realize until today was that a voice starts to creep into my head about an hour into it that tells me 'cheer up - you've got drinks waiting when you get home'. As the hours wear on that voice gets more persistent. Literally around every 5 minutes my brain was saying 'Yay! You get to drink!' Then I would have to conjure up a new voice that says 'No, sorry - you don't.' My brain would be crestfallen for a while, but it wouldn't be long before it came back saying 'Yay! You get to drink!' It was like dealing with an insane toddler.
So now I feel rather depressed. And angry, because I feel like I'm denying myself something I want and deserve, rather than something that I don't want because it's screwing up my life.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Hang in there, bevin..... You did great not to act on the insane voice....
When I first got sober, I realized there were 2 voices in my head (before I quit, the alcoholic voice seemed like the only one). Slowly, the sane voice (the real me) got stronger and then finally, after several months, it became the one that spoke first and spoke the loudest, thus taking precedence over that insane one.
Now, the little alcoholic voice just manages to get a word in every so often, and it's not screaming at me anymore.
In other words, it's totally frustrating, but it WILL get better!
When I first got sober, I realized there were 2 voices in my head (before I quit, the alcoholic voice seemed like the only one). Slowly, the sane voice (the real me) got stronger and then finally, after several months, it became the one that spoke first and spoke the loudest, thus taking precedence over that insane one.
Now, the little alcoholic voice just manages to get a word in every so often, and it's not screaming at me anymore.
In other words, it's totally frustrating, but it WILL get better!
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
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I can certainly relate to that. I remember looking for stuff to do when I was drinking just so I could celebrate my accomplishments with some booze.
How proud we are of ourselves when we come in from being productive, kick our feet up, puff out our chest, and drink our first drink. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.... we say. We deserve it. We reflect over our day and think how great we are (insert another chug). Then we think back over our lives and think of all the good stuff we've done (another chug). Then we look forward to our lives with great optimism and cheer (another, whops, drink is empty time for another)...
After a few drinks, my how our thoughts change. We then start thinking of how that guy in traffic cut us off today (insert big chug). Then we think about that boss that screwed us over (chug). Then we think about that girl that left us or treated us poorly (chug - drink is empty - who needs a fukking drink I'll just drink out of the bottle).. NOW WE'RE OFF...
We're pissed off and we are going to get even! Now we think about how unfair our lives were! How our parents should have been better! How our siblings were favored! How our teachers in school hated us!
We do this over and over and over and over... until finally it's 2 am and we're pissed off beyond recognition and we don't even know why. I know why today, pride, ego, and resentment.
My suggestion to you is find your way into recovery. Try and become grateful for the things you have. And for god sakes, don't drink.
Best of luck to you!!
How proud we are of ourselves when we come in from being productive, kick our feet up, puff out our chest, and drink our first drink. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.... we say. We deserve it. We reflect over our day and think how great we are (insert another chug). Then we think back over our lives and think of all the good stuff we've done (another chug). Then we look forward to our lives with great optimism and cheer (another, whops, drink is empty time for another)...
After a few drinks, my how our thoughts change. We then start thinking of how that guy in traffic cut us off today (insert big chug). Then we think about that boss that screwed us over (chug). Then we think about that girl that left us or treated us poorly (chug - drink is empty - who needs a fukking drink I'll just drink out of the bottle).. NOW WE'RE OFF...
We're pissed off and we are going to get even! Now we think about how unfair our lives were! How our parents should have been better! How our siblings were favored! How our teachers in school hated us!
We do this over and over and over and over... until finally it's 2 am and we're pissed off beyond recognition and we don't even know why. I know why today, pride, ego, and resentment.
My suggestion to you is find your way into recovery. Try and become grateful for the things you have. And for god sakes, don't drink.
Best of luck to you!!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Bevin, I felt that today to some extent. Today it was the beautiful weather. I still can't light my fireplace. I avoid certain music (music I love). The voice in my head isn't quite telling me to drink, but they are all painful reminders I never will again. Bummer. Keep on keep'n on!
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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Holy crap - you guys respond fast! Thank you for allowing me to vent for a minute. I'm going to eat right now cause I was too nervous to get down anything but an apple today - but I'll probably be hanging around the board later on tonight. It's helped me a lot over the past week!
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Michigan
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Bevin, I think insane toddler is the best description I've heard of the alcoholic voice.
I never really took notice before but it is just like a 2 year old. It even whines, pouts, and throws fits.
Whenever I start thinking I'm denying myself something I try to remember a really bad hangover or something I did while smashed that was mortifying. It helps a little.
I never really took notice before but it is just like a 2 year old. It even whines, pouts, and throws fits.
Whenever I start thinking I'm denying myself something I try to remember a really bad hangover or something I did while smashed that was mortifying. It helps a little.
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Originally Posted by reggiewayne 
How proud we are of ourselves when we come in from being productive, kick our feet up, puff out our chest, and drink our first drink. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.... we say. We deserve it. We reflect over our day and think how great we are (insert another chug). Then we think back over our lives and think of all the good stuff we've done (another chug). Then we look forward to our lives with great optimism and cheer (another, whops, drink is empty time for another)...
After a few drinks, my how our thoughts change. We then start thinking of how that guy in traffic cut us off today (insert big chug). Then we think about that boss that screwed us over (chug). Then we think about that girl that left us or treated us poorly (chug - drink is empty - who needs a fukking drink I'll just drink out of the bottle).. NOW WE'RE OFF...
We're pissed off and we are going to get even!
After a few drinks, my how our thoughts change. We then start thinking of how that guy in traffic cut us off today (insert big chug). Then we think about that boss that screwed us over (chug). Then we think about that girl that left us or treated us poorly (chug - drink is empty - who needs a fukking drink I'll just drink out of the bottle).. NOW WE'RE OFF...
We're pissed off and we are going to get even!
M-A-D-N-E-S-S !
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
Originally Posted by bevin
Holy crap - you guys respond fast! Thank you for allowing me to vent for a minute. I'm going to eat right now cause I was too nervous to get down anything but an apple today - but I'll probably be hanging around the board later on tonight. It's helped me a lot over the past week!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
"After a few drinks, my how our thoughts change. We then start thinking of how that guy in traffic cut us off today (insert big chug). Then we think about that boss that screwed us over (chug). Then we think about that girl that left us or treated us poorly (chug - drink is empty - who needs a fukking drink I'll just drink out of the bottle).. NOW WE'RE OFF...
We're pissed off and we are going to get even! Now we think about how unfair our lives were! How our parents should have been better! How our siblings were favored! How our teachers in school hated us!
We do this over and over and over and over... until finally it's 2 am and we're pissed off beyond recognition and we don't even know why."
Not just yet...Before I would drag my angry @ss to bed..I would post a few drunken rants on Facebook...THEN I would go to bed. Upon awakening I would run to the computer because I remembered posting..just couldn't remember WHAT I posted. I am not responsible enough to have a Facebook page..I deactivated my butt. Deactivation worked better than constant deletions! I HATE alcoholic thinking. It just snowballs..
We're pissed off and we are going to get even! Now we think about how unfair our lives were! How our parents should have been better! How our siblings were favored! How our teachers in school hated us!
We do this over and over and over and over... until finally it's 2 am and we're pissed off beyond recognition and we don't even know why."
Not just yet...Before I would drag my angry @ss to bed..I would post a few drunken rants on Facebook...THEN I would go to bed. Upon awakening I would run to the computer because I remembered posting..just couldn't remember WHAT I posted. I am not responsible enough to have a Facebook page..I deactivated my butt. Deactivation worked better than constant deletions! I HATE alcoholic thinking. It just snowballs..
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
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Great thread everyone!
Couple additional thoughts:
Bevin, that voice sometimes gets louder when I'm hungry or really tired. A full belly ALWAYS helps to quiet it down for me, and sometimes shuts it down completely.
Inafishbowl, that really resonated for me. Early on I avoided certain albums that I love—and that I especially LOVED to listen to after several drinks. It made me kind of sad at first. But as time's passed, I realize I'm not missing out on anything by not drinking. The real missing out? That occurred as a result of drinking. Year after year, I was missing out on freedom and contentment and self respect. It's easy to romanticize the good times, but by the end, there was nothing fun or carefree about it.
I'm listening to those albums again these days, and loving them more than ever.
Couple additional thoughts:
I'm going to eat right now cause I was too nervous to get down anything but an apple today
they are all painful reminders I never will again. Bummer.
I'm listening to those albums again these days, and loving them more than ever.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
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If our alcoholic voice is an insane toddler then this is the only instance when child abuse is okay...lock that sucker in a closet and starve it.
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Snap that childs neck like a twig.......
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Snap that childs neck like a twig.......
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Originally Posted by bevin
What I didn't realize until today was that a voice starts to creep into my head about an hour into it that tells me 'cheer up - you've got drinks waiting when you get home'. As the hours wear on that voice gets more persistent. Literally around every 5 minutes my brain was saying 'Yay! You get to drink!' Then I would have to conjure up a new voice that says 'No, sorry - you don't.' My brain would be crestfallen for a while, but it wouldn't be long before it came back saying 'Yay! You get to drink!' It was like dealing with an insane toddler.
Sounds like spiritual warfare...good voice/bad voice...glad you didn't fall into the trap!
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You guys are hilarious - now at least I can keep myself busy thinking about diabolical things to do to that toddler! Fun fun fun.
OK - I'm all right now. I do feel a lot better after eating. I've been in the habit of basically eating nothing all day and then drinking lots. I would pretty much eat as late as humanly possible... old habits die hard I guess.
Thanks again guys - now I must go get some sleep cause I'm freakin exhausted!
OK - I'm all right now. I do feel a lot better after eating. I've been in the habit of basically eating nothing all day and then drinking lots. I would pretty much eat as late as humanly possible... old habits die hard I guess.
Thanks again guys - now I must go get some sleep cause I'm freakin exhausted!
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