please tell me "one day at a time" will sink in.
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
Originally Posted by Inafishbowl 
These posts are really helping me. One thing is striking me right now (Thank you for reminding me, Danae).
I know grief really well. I lost my adopted mother when I was pregnant and I lost my first husband when my daughter was just 4. I know grief well. I'm actually finding myself quite ashamed of myself for grieving something as trivial as a pretty glass of wine after experiencing those losses.
Reggie, you reminded me of this too with the news of Mike Starr's death. I have been eating sleeping and breathing AA, recovery, recovery books, etc. I'm thinking part of my problem (aside from not digging into my notebooks) is that I haven't stopped to smell the roses much at all.
Thanks people. Between the multiple phone calls and you here at SR, I'm feeling better.
And Danae, eat all the candy you want. Didn't you read that book yesterday? I loved her candy addiction in the first 30 days.
I know grief really well. I lost my adopted mother when I was pregnant and I lost my first husband when my daughter was just 4. I know grief well. I'm actually finding myself quite ashamed of myself for grieving something as trivial as a pretty glass of wine after experiencing those losses.
Reggie, you reminded me of this too with the news of Mike Starr's death. I have been eating sleeping and breathing AA, recovery, recovery books, etc. I'm thinking part of my problem (aside from not digging into my notebooks) is that I haven't stopped to smell the roses much at all.
Thanks people. Between the multiple phone calls and you here at SR, I'm feeling better.
And Danae, eat all the candy you want. Didn't you read that book yesterday? I loved her candy addiction in the first 30 days.
Didn't mean to insinuate you should be ashamed of mourning the glass of wine. Just hoping to remind you of all that you do have now. By posting about how you're feeling you get a reality check from a variety of viewpoints here at SR, hopefully you vent, and can tell the voice in your head to go away.
I hear you about not being able to sit in front of the fireplace. I have a lot of trouble with airplanes. Just hard to see what the point of flying is if I can't drink (yup, crazy!)
I'm still treasuring the image of you (metaphorically) taking a baseball bat to the bottle of champagne, from an earlier post. Maybe a sense of humor helps too?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
Inafishbowl wrote "I know I can't drink anymore."
Herein lies the problem, you can drink if you want. Now say "I don't want to drink anymore". I quit grieving when I decided that even though I have many fond memories of having an ice cold beer on a sunny day in Southern Cal, my reality is that an ice cold beer will lead me to a bad place. Once I transitioned myself to believe that I choose not to drink for the betterment of my life, my marriage my family and my finances, I get happy thinking about choosing not to drink.
I have a new friend who is a multimillionaire contractor, he is left alone with his son this weekend, and he is a drinker somewhat like I used to be. He said he had to be like me this weekend because his wife is out of town and he doesn't want to end up in jail, he went on to say that he is working to be like me forever, but he isn't willing to make that commitment yet. He said he is trying to take baby steps. It made me feel great that I am setting an example for this very successful person.
It also made me realize how good I have it now, because I am doing the work. Kind of like how a person who is in great physical shape feels when a person with weight problems tells them I aspire to look like you. Thinking in those terms lightens my load so to speak and makes me realize that I am very happy without alcohol on this beautiful Southern Cal day.
My perception has changed dramatically where instead of booze seeming like the great solution, booze is really just a big problem. I know it and so do you.
Herein lies the problem, you can drink if you want. Now say "I don't want to drink anymore". I quit grieving when I decided that even though I have many fond memories of having an ice cold beer on a sunny day in Southern Cal, my reality is that an ice cold beer will lead me to a bad place. Once I transitioned myself to believe that I choose not to drink for the betterment of my life, my marriage my family and my finances, I get happy thinking about choosing not to drink.
I have a new friend who is a multimillionaire contractor, he is left alone with his son this weekend, and he is a drinker somewhat like I used to be. He said he had to be like me this weekend because his wife is out of town and he doesn't want to end up in jail, he went on to say that he is working to be like me forever, but he isn't willing to make that commitment yet. He said he is trying to take baby steps. It made me feel great that I am setting an example for this very successful person.
It also made me realize how good I have it now, because I am doing the work. Kind of like how a person who is in great physical shape feels when a person with weight problems tells them I aspire to look like you. Thinking in those terms lightens my load so to speak and makes me realize that I am very happy without alcohol on this beautiful Southern Cal day.
My perception has changed dramatically where instead of booze seeming like the great solution, booze is really just a big problem. I know it and so do you.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I struggled with that concept for the longest time. But since I have stopped thinking about forever and juat made up my mind that there is no option to use. Not OMG, This is forever. I just try not to even make it a possibility.
For me , being an addict who lived minute by minute. Its fairly easy to stay in the day.
I use to get so crazy when I screwed up because I would mess everything up in such a short period of time. I couldnt help but project.
But I have come to the conclusion that whatever happened happened and I cant change that. but i can change how I deal with it.
Meditation has helped me so much. And not like hardcore meditation. I can just go sit outside on a nice day or night and just kick back and relax just soaking in all the surroundings. That keeps me in the moment every time.
Dont think of it as forever. For me just not even making a possibility works.
For me , being an addict who lived minute by minute. Its fairly easy to stay in the day.
I use to get so crazy when I screwed up because I would mess everything up in such a short period of time. I couldnt help but project.
But I have come to the conclusion that whatever happened happened and I cant change that. but i can change how I deal with it.
Meditation has helped me so much. And not like hardcore meditation. I can just go sit outside on a nice day or night and just kick back and relax just soaking in all the surroundings. That keeps me in the moment every time.
Dont think of it as forever. For me just not even making a possibility works.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
My biggest stride in recovery came with I accepted just that, that I was quitting forever. There was never going to be a day where it was going to okay to drink, never a day where I would be able to drink normally. I was never NOT going to be an alcoholic. Once I grasped that, once I understood that this wasn't a 30-day, 6-month, 1-year experiment and that it was forever, I quit playing the mental mind games with myself where one day I might drink again.
However, others have posted the same problem and there are many who take the opposite stance, that forever is a long way away, that they could only focus on today, as in One Day at a Time.
I would suggest whichever mindset best supports your recovery is the one you should adopt.
However, others have posted the same problem and there are many who take the opposite stance, that forever is a long way away, that they could only focus on today, as in One Day at a Time.
I would suggest whichever mindset best supports your recovery is the one you should adopt.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Now say "I don't want to drink anymore". I quit grieving when I decided that even though I have many fond memories of having an ice cold beer on a sunny day in Southern Cal, my reality is that an ice cold beer will lead me to a bad place. Once I transitioned myself to believe that I choose not to drink for the betterment of my life, my marriage my family and my finances, I get happy thinking about choosing not to drink.
I now try to avoid thinking in terms of "quitting" or "giving up" drinking. I look at each day as a chance to ask myself if I want to quit sobriety. And no—I don't want to give up any more of my life.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
My biggest stride in recovery came with I accepted just that, that I was quitting forever. There was never going to be a day where it was going to okay to drink, never a day where I would be able to drink normally. I was never NOT going to be an alcoholic. Once I grasped that, once I understood that this wasn't a 30-day, 6-month, 1-year experiment and that it was forever, I quit playing the mental mind games with myself where one day I might drink again.
When I did start to feel sad (beyond an indulgence period I allowed myself) I would say "that's that alcoholic voice again". Because normal people don't make such a big effing deal about not drinking. They chose not to drink because they don't feel like it. Or they are just thirsty and have water instead. Or they look at the drinks menu and say "Ooo a blackberry iced tea sounds nice!". I never understood those people.
I tried to use those feelings of sadness as FUEL for my recovery. Those are not normal feelings. They are alcoholic feelings. All the more reason to keep working on real life and try and figure out why normal people seem so excited about it.
I truly saw (and still see to some extent) myself as a tourist or alien. Watching the natives life. Copying them and hoping for the best. And the best keeps on coming
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Be careful about grieving the alcohol too much. Be careful about romanticizing it.
The way I felt, by the time I quit drinking, was the way I felt when I ended a really BAD relationship. There was a bit of mourning for what "might have been" but I reminded myself that it was all illusion, that it was just a lot of wishful thinking on my part, and that the relationship was BAD for me. No amount of "trying again" would change the other person, or make it work again. The more I thought about how much better life would be without this other person in my life, the better I felt, and the less tempted I was to give it another shot.
My relationship with alcohol will NEVER work. Just like an abusive partner, it will never change.
Lighting the fireplace or sitting in the sun without a drink in your hand will only feel weird for awhile. Trust me, you get used to it, and eventually the association is broken. Don't avoid stuff like that, get used to doing it without the drink. The weird feeling will go away, but only by building new, positive associations.
The way I felt, by the time I quit drinking, was the way I felt when I ended a really BAD relationship. There was a bit of mourning for what "might have been" but I reminded myself that it was all illusion, that it was just a lot of wishful thinking on my part, and that the relationship was BAD for me. No amount of "trying again" would change the other person, or make it work again. The more I thought about how much better life would be without this other person in my life, the better I felt, and the less tempted I was to give it another shot.
My relationship with alcohol will NEVER work. Just like an abusive partner, it will never change.
Lighting the fireplace or sitting in the sun without a drink in your hand will only feel weird for awhile. Trust me, you get used to it, and eventually the association is broken. Don't avoid stuff like that, get used to doing it without the drink. The weird feeling will go away, but only by building new, positive associations.
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