Frienships with users
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Frienships with users
I am supposed to be working on my fourth step with a sponser, but got really sick the last week and have been putting it off. But in thinking of things I am resentful about still, some things have come up around long-term friendships with friends that still are substance abusers.
I guess maybe I need to just rant and ask if anyone has had similar feelings or has had to find they need to put more distance with friends who still use.
I have about four months of sobriety form alcohol and marijuana. Most of my friends smoke weed and some still drink.
One friend in particular quit drinking and has been dry for two years but now is smoking more weed. I am pissed at her for putting down my need to still go to meetings in subtle ways when she isn't even really sober totally and talking about how easy it was for her to quit drinking.
I went over to her house to work on some music production software and she proceeded to get out her bong and toke away a few times right in front of me. I know it is her house, but I didn't expect her to be so insensitive to me knowing how hard it has been for me stay in recovery. I went home with a contact high I didn't expect and didn't like it at all.
Another friend also knows how hard it has been for me to stop smoking pot and how much worse it makes my bipolar illness.
So right after I quit, she comes over and asks me if I still have any she can smoke before she helps me do some cleaning (that I am paying her for.) I told her I threw it all out.
60 days into my sobriety I pick her and her boyfriend up to go with me to a music event. I am really tired and want to get a Red Bull. She says to me, "Why do you want to put that into your body? All those stimulants. You might as well smoke some weed."
I am also reminded that the last time I quit over two years ago, she said she thought I should smoke pot instead of take my meds.
I am suddenly feeling really angry those these things happened weeks ago and months ago by now.
I thought I could handle being around people close to me who are still in their addictions, but am finding I am having to limit my contact.
Is it normal to start having a lot of resentments come up around this time in sobriety?
What have you done around people who still use? Limit contact, tell them outright that you can't spend as much time with them, etc.?
Part of me doesn't want to seem like seem like a bummer who thinks she's too good for everyone now.
I guess maybe I need to just rant and ask if anyone has had similar feelings or has had to find they need to put more distance with friends who still use.
I have about four months of sobriety form alcohol and marijuana. Most of my friends smoke weed and some still drink.
One friend in particular quit drinking and has been dry for two years but now is smoking more weed. I am pissed at her for putting down my need to still go to meetings in subtle ways when she isn't even really sober totally and talking about how easy it was for her to quit drinking.
I went over to her house to work on some music production software and she proceeded to get out her bong and toke away a few times right in front of me. I know it is her house, but I didn't expect her to be so insensitive to me knowing how hard it has been for me stay in recovery. I went home with a contact high I didn't expect and didn't like it at all.
Another friend also knows how hard it has been for me to stop smoking pot and how much worse it makes my bipolar illness.
So right after I quit, she comes over and asks me if I still have any she can smoke before she helps me do some cleaning (that I am paying her for.) I told her I threw it all out.
60 days into my sobriety I pick her and her boyfriend up to go with me to a music event. I am really tired and want to get a Red Bull. She says to me, "Why do you want to put that into your body? All those stimulants. You might as well smoke some weed."
I am also reminded that the last time I quit over two years ago, she said she thought I should smoke pot instead of take my meds.
I am suddenly feeling really angry those these things happened weeks ago and months ago by now.
I thought I could handle being around people close to me who are still in their addictions, but am finding I am having to limit my contact.
Is it normal to start having a lot of resentments come up around this time in sobriety?
What have you done around people who still use? Limit contact, tell them outright that you can't spend as much time with them, etc.?
Part of me doesn't want to seem like seem like a bummer who thinks she's too good for everyone now.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
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Originally Posted by CatWings 
I am supposed to be working on my fourth step with a sponser, but got really sick the last week and have been putting it off. But in thinking of things I am resentful about still, some things have come up around long-term friendships with friends that still are substance abusers.
Welcome!!!
What does your sponsor say about your 'friends'.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by CatWings
I am supposed to be working on my fourth step with a sponser,
Part of me doesn't want to seem like seem like a bummer who thinks she's too good for everyone now.
Part of me doesn't want to seem like seem like a bummer who thinks she's too good for everyone now.
So get a sponsor and follow their advice like your life depended on it, because it may very well.
Last thought, my ex used almost the exact same language to describe me on more than one occasion.
I was clean and sober and she wasn't.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 105
The fourth step was difficult for me. I got too wrapped up in my head, started spiraling and came damn close to going back out. I reached out to my sponsor and some other friends in the program who basically told me I was overthinking it. It is important to do a good fourth step, but not to beat yourself up over it. It is the past, it happened and you can not change the past. All you can do is move on to the present, the future and clean up the wreckage.
As far as the marijuana...i do not believe in the marijuana maintenance plan. I had a sponsee who was trying to do it behind my back..but I knew. He never took suggestions to stop, distance himself from those that were encouraging him to use..etc. Well that plan did not work to well for him is all I really want to say
Your doctors prescribed you meds for a reason...and that is what they are there for. They should not be supplemented or replaced by a friends or even a sponsors suggestion. Nobody but your doctor should tell you or even suggest to you to stop taking them. A lot of psych meds have bad side effects if abruptly stopped. I learned that the hard way. If you feel the meds are not working, talk to your doctor about it.
Congrats on your sober time!
As far as the marijuana...i do not believe in the marijuana maintenance plan. I had a sponsee who was trying to do it behind my back..but I knew. He never took suggestions to stop, distance himself from those that were encouraging him to use..etc. Well that plan did not work to well for him is all I really want to say
Your doctors prescribed you meds for a reason...and that is what they are there for. They should not be supplemented or replaced by a friends or even a sponsors suggestion. Nobody but your doctor should tell you or even suggest to you to stop taking them. A lot of psych meds have bad side effects if abruptly stopped. I learned that the hard way. If you feel the meds are not working, talk to your doctor about it.
Congrats on your sober time!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
What have you done around people who still use? Limit contact, tell them outright that you can't spend as much time with them, e
It's not that you're "too good" for them, it's that you're not comfortable around the drinking/using. So you could just tell them in a way that's clear it's about you and your sobriety, not about them. If they take it personally or put you down for it, I suspect they don't care about you the way a friend should.....
Just my two cents.....................:day6
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: central n00bistan
Posts: 121
Well, for me, and especially in early sobriety, using was using, and I couldn't be around any of it and not want to do it myself.
Sadly (or so I felt at the time), I had to drop pretty much everyone I had been hanging out with. Which at that point, thanks to booze, was people just as sick and addicted as I was (because people who were living clean sober lives didn't have time for an alkie loser junkie like me LOL), so no big loss on that "fun" bunch
It came down to what was more important to me - being sober or hanging out with those using folks. Sober won, and I'm not sorry.
Sadly (or so I felt at the time), I had to drop pretty much everyone I had been hanging out with. Which at that point, thanks to booze, was people just as sick and addicted as I was (because people who were living clean sober lives didn't have time for an alkie loser junkie like me LOL), so no big loss on that "fun" bunch
It came down to what was more important to me - being sober or hanging out with those using folks. Sober won, and I'm not sorry.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: England
Posts: 70
That's harsh of her to do what she did by offering you a bong at your 60 days of recovery. She should have more respect toward you.
On another note I've got to say marijuana in destructive terms isn't really on the same playing field as booze and harder drugs.
Finally, congrats on quitting the bottle. You're doing awesome.
On another note I've got to say marijuana in destructive terms isn't really on the same playing field as booze and harder drugs.
Finally, congrats on quitting the bottle. You're doing awesome.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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The Marijuana isn't as bad argument....
Dear Ricky -
A drug is a drug is a drug - and I have to say I get really annoyed feeling invalidated somehow by statements made to the effect that someone offering me a bong hit is not "on the same playing field" as other drugs and alcohol.
The friend who said I might as well smoke a joint is the same freind who's young boyfriend unded up in the psych ward dx'd with Schizophernia due to young adult cannabis abuse. They've done studies on it in other countries and I saw it happen to someone I know. And she still enabling him and he's headed for a lot of trouble, if you ask me.
My weed usage nearly drove me to suicide due to the effect it had on my bipolar illness. I see others' lives slowly deteriorating and their health due to overuse.
So while MJ may not deliver as big a destructive punch all at once as say going on a bender or OD'ing on heroine, it's still pretty destructive to some of us and life threatening and sanity threatening over the long haul.
Thanks for understanding. It's just a pet peeve of mine when people don't think cannabis abuse is that big of a deal of not on the "same playing field." To me, cannabis abuse has done the most damage to me over time than even my periodic alcoholism.
A drug is a drug is a drug - and I have to say I get really annoyed feeling invalidated somehow by statements made to the effect that someone offering me a bong hit is not "on the same playing field" as other drugs and alcohol.
The friend who said I might as well smoke a joint is the same freind who's young boyfriend unded up in the psych ward dx'd with Schizophernia due to young adult cannabis abuse. They've done studies on it in other countries and I saw it happen to someone I know. And she still enabling him and he's headed for a lot of trouble, if you ask me.
My weed usage nearly drove me to suicide due to the effect it had on my bipolar illness. I see others' lives slowly deteriorating and their health due to overuse.
So while MJ may not deliver as big a destructive punch all at once as say going on a bender or OD'ing on heroine, it's still pretty destructive to some of us and life threatening and sanity threatening over the long haul.
Thanks for understanding. It's just a pet peeve of mine when people don't think cannabis abuse is that big of a deal of not on the "same playing field." To me, cannabis abuse has done the most damage to me over time than even my periodic alcoholism.
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Originally Posted by Anna
Gosh, those don't sound like friends to me.
I needed to get rid of toxic people in my life when I began to recover.
I needed to get rid of toxic people in my life when I began to recover.
I think I am at that point. Because I also never know when that potential relapse might creep up on me and I might be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
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Originally Posted by artsoul
I have several friends who drink and I still socialize with a few of them. I just don't hang out with them when it's obvious that drinking is the main event. So limited contact works best for me..... If one of them were to bring over a bottle of wine though, I would point-blank tell them that I really can't have alcohol in my house. If I happened to be at their house and they started drinking, I would try to wrap up the visit and leave (and if they were a close friend, I'd explain why).
It's not that you're "too good" for them, it's that you're not comfortable around the drinking/using. So you could just tell them in a way that's clear it's about you and your sobriety, not about them. If they take it personally or put you down for it, I suspect they don't care about you the way a friend should.....
Just my two cents.....................:day6
It's not that you're "too good" for them, it's that you're not comfortable around the drinking/using. So you could just tell them in a way that's clear it's about you and your sobriety, not about them. If they take it personally or put you down for it, I suspect they don't care about you the way a friend should.....
Just my two cents.....................:day6
This is a good idea. I will just tell them it's not about them, but about what I need for my sobriety right now.
It's funny that the same friend who took all her bong hits in front of me acted just like she did when she used to get drunk. It was pretty freaky to me. I don't want to be around it again.
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Originally Posted by Scott1970
The fourth step was difficult for me. I got too wrapped up in my head, started spiraling and came damn close to going back out. I reached out to my sponsor and some other friends in the program who basically told me I was overthinking it. It is important to do a good fourth step, but not to beat yourself up over it. It is the past, it happened and you can not change the past. All you can do is move on to the present, the future and clean up the wreckage.
!
!
I think I am in quite the pickle over even attempting this fourth step. I need to call my sponser. I am pretty bad about reaching out.
All this anger is coming up. I thought I was happy and didn't have any resentments and then I started thinking of this fourth step and a few things happened recently and shazam! I need to do a fourth step more than ever.
I am realizing that AA, etc. is pretty smart in acknowledging that resentments are a big deal for us.
I tend to fester and stew about things for a long time and little things become big things and so I am looking forward to this fourth step process.
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Originally Posted by Rickie
That's harsh of her to do what she did by offering you a bong at your 60 days of recovery. She should have more respect toward you.
Finally, congrats on quitting the bottle. You're doing awesome.
Finally, congrats on quitting the bottle. You're doing awesome.
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After writing some of this, I just had a thought, "Why am I hanging around with such insensitive losers?"
One of them may still have a full-time job and be making progress as a DJ but on the recovery level, she's still on the wrong path, though I am glad she no longer drinks.
I guess this is what they mean by "Stick with the winners"? In recovery?
One of them may still have a full-time job and be making progress as a DJ but on the recovery level, she's still on the wrong path, though I am glad she no longer drinks.
I guess this is what they mean by "Stick with the winners"? In recovery?
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Rickie - I also think I know what you might have meant in that they don't think offering me some weed or smoking it in front of me is a big deal because they don't see it as a big deal. However, I've told them it's a big deal for me and they don't respect that. So on I must move.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
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Many if not most of us realized we were hanging out in the lounge with a bunch of other lounge lizards. I realized at a certain point lots of my friends were drinking buddies, and nothing more.
It is a huge deal if someone tells you to smoke (for medical reasons???!!!) when they know you have quit. That is breaking all the rules of friendship. For the other girl to not ask if it is okay before smoking around you is just rude.
It is a huge deal if someone tells you to smoke (for medical reasons???!!!) when they know you have quit. That is breaking all the rules of friendship. For the other girl to not ask if it is okay before smoking around you is just rude.
unlearning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: russia
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Originally Posted by CatWings
Rickie - I also think I know what you might have meant in that they don't think offering me some weed or smoking it in front of me is a big deal because they don't see it as a big deal. However, I've told them it's a big deal for me and they don't respect that. So on I must move.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Tahoe CA
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Hi CatWings - Just want to encourage you in your recovery and tell you
I got a whole lot out of this thread just by reading your posts as you processed everything you are going through and responded to other SR members. It's obvious to me that you are putting your recovery first and I think that is awesome!
I got a whole lot out of this thread just by reading your posts as you processed everything you are going through and responded to other SR members. It's obvious to me that you are putting your recovery first and I think that is awesome!
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: England
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Originally Posted by CatWings
Rickie - I also think I know what you might have meant in that they don't think offering me some weed or smoking it in front of me is a big deal because they don't see it as a big deal. However, I've told them it's a big deal for me and they don't respect that. So on I must move.
Fair enough, she tokes infront of you, quite inappropriate but nevertheless fairly harmless (presuming it's her place). Offering it to you and applying peer pressure is a different ball game. I think that crosses the line (for her own selfish reasons).
As for mary-jane, personally I hate the stuff. From 17 - 20 I smoked every night. Was too young to care. It's mentally dangerous stuff - I'm certain It's changed my brain chemistry for sure in a way that I have ALOT more ups and downs (after 5 years later) but I get by. I'm sure you can relate?
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