MedicineMan

My first recognition that my drinking was out of control was when I started buying pints of JD instead of a litre. All this meant was more trips to the liquor store. I divorced three years ago and moved out of state. Away from ex and children. I am highly functional but even that is slipping. My guilt of leaving my kids is buried somewhere in the darkness of my soul.

I do make more money here and have a nice house, from the outside, but you come inside and it I live the bachelor caveman. I don't open my mail, return phone calls or answer email. I do great in my job but at the end of the day when I get in my car to head home.. That overwhelming desire to drink comes back.

My heart is very very bad. I only have 19% working and I should have 60%. I work in medicine and know that nothing kills heart cells quicker than Alcohol. I really think I am trying to keep myself "Comfortably numb" until my heart gives out and I am trying to slowly kill myself with drink as this is what will happen if i continue. I have set a date of this Friday to go to my first meeting. I have looked on the map wlll drive by before and I know I just need to go on auto pilot and walk through the door, I truly believe you will take care of me once I am there. I want to do the work, I am afraid of never drinking again.

My first step of me seeing my life is unmanageable is to see what I have just written.

Thanks,
MM

coffeenut

MM. You came to the right place.

You can quit drinking. Many, many of us have been where you are, scared to death to quit and literally drinking ourselves to death.

Keep reading and posting.

ChikkaB

Welcome brother. This is a good place if you're sick and tired of being sick and tired

Creekryder

I too have been afraid to quit drinking until my fear of dying from it became greater. I'm on my 22nd day and feeling physically better. A slow process but progress is evident. Hope you will be saying the same in 22 days.

Murray4x5

Seeing your thoughts written down makes it all that more real, doesn't it?

There's always somebody here for you.

Take care, and follow the good that's left in your heart.

Murray

ReadyAndAble

Welcome to SR, MedicineMan. I felt the same way. Isolated, hopeless, and hiding it all, basically faking a normal life; feeling desperate when I was alone, and phony around other people.

I was really scared to quit, and couldn't imagine life without alcohol. Now I realize that was just the addiction talking. I'm really grateful I didn't stop trying. You'll be really glad too.

MedicineMan

Thank You all. Still putting off till tomorrow what I should have done today. Really scared of my self imposed deadline of Friday. I hear.... go now.... go tonight. @ Creekryder your tag of "to know the path ahead ask those coming back" I want it and I never want to go back and see those going forward. And Coffenut, just the simple statement of "You can quit drinking",,, it sounds so simple and should be.. "You can quit drinking" it is not impossible... it, drinking, has just gotten me through so much crap. Can not imagine handling that crap sober and sane. God I am powerless over drinking and my life has become completely a pile of crap. Please show me the way.

GodsHolyWill

I'm so glad you found us and that you're going to go to a meeting! God will be with you the WHOLE TIME, leading you to a healthy life of taking care of yourself, He loves you! There's no reason to cut your precious life short! God bless you and keep posting! There's a lot of great people and support here!

Murray4x5

Eight months and four days ago it seemed impossible to think I could quit drinking, yet here I am, with many thanks to the collective wisdom and support of this website.

There are many paths to sobriety, mine being a secular approach with particular emphasis on understanding the physiological aspects of alcohol addiction and recovery. The only right path is the one that works for you.

Wishing you all the best!!!!

Murray

CarolD

Ok I understand you are in the medical field....but
what are your plans for de toxing?
It's often dangerous and especially when you already
have a heart condition...and you live alone.

Welcome to SR...

Veritas1

That must be very difficult for you, leaving your children. The only way you are going to be able to clean this up, is to get to a doctor, have a safe detox, stop drinking, get into recovery, and return to them, fix this.

We make a mess, we clean it up.

Abandoning children is terrible for them.

This is why you say you have such guilt. I think you already know what you have to do.

Staying to yourself, in your home, hiding from the world, is only making it worse.

Things must change indeed.

You don't have to do this alone. Find your AA meetings in your area. Create a strong network of sober men around you. Begin to work on you, and creating the life you and your children can benefit from.

Get yourself together, and then you can be the Father for them they need.

Don't look back...it's time...Go forward. Take the action needed to produce the change you need.

Only you can do it.

Do it.

Now.



Like a good friend of mind in AA says, "You want sobriety? Come and get it. It's right here in the fellowship and program of Alcoholics Anonymous."

You will be able to deal with whatever "crap" comes up in life much better if you are sober and working on yourself. Give yourself a chance!

MedicineMan

Carol...... I am so much in denial I have not even thought checking in with my Doctor. I don't have the shakes, DTs or anything like that. I can go three days without a drink but become a total nasty DH grump until I drink. I'll call and schedule and appointment today. I don't want to loose my license as I feel I am not an Impaired provider. I can only use the CAGE questions on myslef Cutdown yes I have tried and have cut down but can't quit. Anger that yes I did it again and girlfriend gets angry with I do drink. Guilt everyday and every minute. Eye opener, thank God I have never gotten this far. I do feel my drinking wants to accelerate but has not. I am leaving a very High Stress High paying job. Tomorrow is my last day. Taking 10 days off and will be in a much less stressful job with less money and less hours. My doctors told to quit working so hard as I have been in the hospital twice in the last six months for Congestive Heart Failure. I may need a heart transplant in the future and I can not even make it on the list if I continue to drink. Before you are placed on the list you must have one year of not drinking. Thank You
MM

CarolD

Thanks for clarifying ...I'm really glad you plan to check with your doctor.
Please read this link..it has ingfo and some of our de tox experiences

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html


I too took a large pay cut for a less stressful job in early sobriety.
It worked out well for me...

All my best as you move forward...