Crying Buckets
 

This is my first time to post too! I am 18 days into recovery with the help of doctor and medications (Librium first, then Cambral and Naltrexone) as an outpatient. It's unbelievable how emotional I have become over the smallest things, but particularly when talking about my addiction with those I love. I have had numerous "field" tests and haven't had a drink. I am worried about my memory and how I am coming across to others when I talk or write. I have been hiding my problem almost 20 years and of course have used alcohol more and more with each year. I didnt do such a good job of hiding it over the last few years though. My husband is not particular supportive, showing really no sympathy at all, no emotion at all towards me. I guess I killed that with my drinking. I just get attitude from him with "what's your point?", "I told you yesterday (sigh)", "you don't remember" etc. I am pretty lonely even when he's around; he pretty much ignores me.
I am not sure that AA meetings are for me. Do I really have to get up and say, my name is ____and I am an alcoholic? Do I have to have a sponsor before I go? I would just like to meet a few people, learn how they overcame their issues and get some support.

No, you don't have to have a sponsor before you go, and no one has to get up and say anything. Go, grab a cup of coffee, and listen. It's likely that the chair will ask if there are any newcomers present and give you an opportunity to introduce yourself, but you don't have to if you don't want to.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Hi and Welcome!

Good for you for having 18 sober days, and your mood swings are pretty normal early on.

I don't use AA, but others can give you advice about that. And, there is always support here at SR.

You don't have to say a thing. Ever, unless you want to. You're always welcome to sit and listen. You don't need a sponsor to go there. If you feel uncomfortable you can try a different meeting. Why not try a "speakers" meeting at first. I've been to some pretty inspiring ones. Stand around and have some coffee. You'll find a lot of smiles and plenty of laughs. Some happy people.
If it turns out that AA isn't for you there are other alternative groups.
Try not to fret about your husband. Just do the stuff you have decided to do. Maybe in time he would like to go to a meeting with you. Maybe, when he sees that things are starting to work for you his attitude will change. If things get tense at home, go to a meeting. You can talk about it but only if you want to. If you do you are likely to find that others have the same problems. Good luck. Hang in there. It works. It really does.

W.

Welcome to SR, Nikki! You have found a place full of support. To answer a few of your questions...no, you do not have to stand up and say anything. Many people go to the meetings and just listen several times before they ever say anything. No, you do not need a sponsor before you go. That comes later, after you have gotten to know some people and find some who have what you want, meaning a good, steady program of recovery.

I'm sorry your husband is being less than supportive. Being an alcoholic myself, I realize that we put them through a lot during our drinking time and it takes time for them be convinced that we are serious about sobriety. Don't pressure him, just keep doing the next right thing and allow your actions to prove how serious you are about it.

Please, take some time to read the stickies at the top of this forum and read some of the stories of other members. Most of us have been right where you are now, so you will find a lot of experience, strength and hope here.

Once again, welcome to SR! :grouphug:

Adding to what the others have said, you also don't have to say "and I'm an alcoholic". Most people do, but nobody will jump on you if you don't.

Your husband might be feeling frustrated by your inability to remember stuff. My memory was "off" for several months, though it gradually improved. Non-alcoholics don't understand, usually, what it is like to be in early recovery. It's painful and emotional, but it DOES get better.

I think you would find AA to be a comforting place to be, right now. The people in the rooms "get it"--they understand how you are feeling. It was a relief to me to hear that I NEVER had to feel that way again.

Nikki, early sobriety is like that, or at least it was for me. I cried like a baby for the first couple weeks of treatment, it was pretty embarrassing but it was beyond my control. Also, the first several weeks my memory was absolutely toast - I had to respond to any question more or less immediately or I would lose my train of thought. It's basically your central nervous system healing from the alcohol. The good news is that it is temporary, and things will improve. How much it improves depends on how much damage you did through the years of drinking. I quit at 43, having been a heavy drinker since my teens.

One book that really helped me get a better understanding what was going on was Under the Influence by James Milam. What you are going through is PAWS - post acute withdrawal syndrome. It is temporary but the whole process takes up to 18 months to heal to the extent that you will.

Go easy on yourself, but please don't lose faith. You are healing, it just takes time. Don't try to "fix" too much of your life right now, just focus on sobriety. There will be plenty of time and way more functioning brain cells with which to tackle that stuff down the road.

All the best,
Edd

Thank you so much for your advice.

Thank you for that Edd. I feel you really know what I am talking about. I will check our the book you mentioned.

My first three weeks, all I ever said when my turn came was "no thanks", or "pass" or "I just want to listen tonight, thanks". I could not even bring myself to say my name because I was so afraid and ashamed. My knees were knocking so hard and my heart beating so loud I was sure everyone could hear them. No one ever bothered me in any way, and everyone smiled :)

The only requirement for membership in AA is the desire to stop drinking. Just go and listen until you are ready to do something else.

If you read through many of the threads, you find a repetitive theme: fear. Alcohol thrives on fear—fear of fitting in a group, fear of not being social enough, fear our friends won't like us, etc. The more we fear, the more alcohol "promises" to relieve the situations. But it is a lie. The sodden brain wants to retain fear to insure we continue to drink and continue it's supply to satisfy the addiction. Break the cycle and a major achievement is earned in maintaining sobriety.

I too highly recommend 'Under The Influence" it convinced me to finaly quit.
The eating plan is really useful too.

Getting involved with AA has been an awesome adventure
for me ....and lots of understanding and support too....:yup:
You don't have to do recovery alone.


Welcome ...:wave:

Wishing you a warm welcome to SR!!! :) You're writing sounds just fine so don't worry! :hug: I hope your AA meeting goes great! Sooo many people have been helped by AA!

Your response was very helpful...thank you so much

Thank you so much. You are right on about fear.

Thanks again for such insight!

Welcome to the family.:) Altho your husband is less than supportive, do your recovery for you. Make yourself better for your own good. And you can always come here: we understand.:hug:

Still crying buckets but feel better
 

40 years ago I quit smoking. I learned I had to do it for myself, not because I was angry or frustrated with something or someone else. Then I did it! I whipped one addiction; now I am going to the same with my drinking. For myself! Thanks everyone (CarolD and EDD) for recommending "Under the Influence". I bought it today and plan to do some reading tonight.

Nikkipoo, AA saved my life. If you are on the fence, just check out this link. XA-Speakers - The lights are on! Start at the Dr.'s opinion and see if you find yourself in it. I know I did. In AA I have made the best friends I ever have. The cool thing about recovery is we start living the way we want to, not the way we have to. We can finally make adult rational decisions that aren't self destructive.

AA has given me a life I never thought I deserved. In AA we just compare results. Go into an AA meeting and look around the room. See the laughter, the tears, the hugs, the planning of events outside of AA, the sharing, the caring, etc... Listen for the stories that are much worse than your's (trust me, there will be some) and see the recovery and gleam in peoples eyes. Simply ask yourself, is my plan for living giving me these results. In my case, the answer was no. My plan for life took me years to come up with and left me drinking close to a fifth of whiskey in an evening and hopeless, lonely, bitter, negative, lethargic, etc... In other words, my best efforts failed me time and time again.

In AA I've learned a new plan. It's a simple program for complicated people. Just give it a try, there may be a miracle there just waiting for you!

Reggie, I havent been to a meeting yet, BUT I will go. Thank you so much for your advice.