XxGoldenxX

im sure that line has been use many many times and right now it fits everything i feel right now. and i wish there was something that would snap me back..cause the longer i stall the more stressed i get and then the more overwhelmed and catatonic i get.

its midterms and i have a test tomorrow and a drawing due for another,not to mention thesis work...and all i can do is site here depressed. wanting one to motivate...i love doing class work messed....an odd things for a user it seems...how does a junkie get a 4.0? i feel a little proud of that...even though thats probably not the best thing to be proud about.


is it bad that i took an extra suboxone cause i know it will give me a little high and let me do work? :/

Rickie

Dont do it. You might handle it at the moment, but eventually it will overcome and consume you. And the pain you feel now will be amplified.

(Dropped out recently)

R

HumbleBee

Hey Golden,

I used to think that my drinking allowed me to be more energetic and less inhibited which in turn caused me to be more creative when it came to working, writing, drawing.

This worked for a while.

I've come to understand that "functioning alcoholic" is a "stage" of alcoholism, not a "type" of alcoholic.

While my physical body was building up a tolerance to protect itself from the effects of excessive drinking, my mind was building habits around its association with it.

Everything I did or could enjoy began to require alcohol.

Of course the body (and mind) craves the drug - it's become dependent on it. What used to make me feel good became something I needed just to make me feel "normal."

Thinking "I'll only do this to get me through this project" or "until after I finish this or that" only delays the inevitable...

That what goes up must come down and the higher you go, the further you fall.

My recovery started with putting down the booze and continues by maintaining and developing new life habits and ways of dealing with stress and tension without the need for a chemical crutch.

Just because I got sober didn't mean that life would be stress-free.

Just my experience. Best wishes.

XxGoldenxX

humblebee: honestly i have said many of those exact same words...all of them actually...well up to the whole sobriety thing..still working on that. i know that i will never regret my past and my use because it has made me who i am but i know that i will eventually fall. its something im realizing now....im starting to only see ugly and the inability to function the same way as i use to. and the most important word: Normal.

Rickie thanks as well for the support. it still surprises me to have people who get it

NoTears

Graduate work is one of the most dehumanizing processes we can subject ourselves to, in my opinion. Everyone I hung with during our dissertations had fantasies about becoming a bus driver or a librarian or a bag boy - and this is just a couple of years ago.

I used to do the damnedest things to avoid grad work. I would walk into the kitchen to get coffee and decide the kitchen floor needed scrubbing, or the tile needed re-grouting. Some of the best advice I ever got was to keep a notepad next to you while working on your dissertation (thesis, whatever). Make a list of everything you want to do, but work on your thesis for the allotted time and then see if that list still appeals to you. Yeah, I never scrubbed after putting in my 6 hours of writing...

I know I'm not supposed to give advice, but take this for what it's worth. Don't use. Anything. Trust me, and everyone else, on this one. You can flush a lot of years down the toilet and end up wondering where it went. If you are here, you have a problem, or will. It sucks having 20 years disappear on you.

I'm 44 years old. I make 6 figures and won't get enough out of debt to start paying off student loans for another 4 years.

Be smarter than me. Look in the mirror and smack yourself straight.

-nt

JoeCree

Just a thought here: why do you continue to grind yourself in debt (compounded no doubt)? With a 6 figure salary, surely, you could perhaps limit your expenditures or even downgrade (or downsize) your house - you'd be surprised how uplifting this can be.

Rickie

Golden,

No problemo. Don't beat yourself up about anything, past or present. You know deep down what you've got to do.

All the best.

R

P.S Running is a fantastic and healthy way for an addictive personality to achieve peace and clarity of mind and it gets rid of that horrible OCDish nervous energy. How'd you think Eminem got so thin? LOL!

LaFemme

Creativity and addiction is the oldest cliche in the book...I am saying this as an artist. Meditation has been proven to increase creativity...why not try that instead.

Seriously....you sound pretty intelligent...you have to know this is just a lame excuse to keep abusing.

Welcome to SR

NoTears

Joe - good call. I don't post much but hope to - to add to the "successful experience stories". That's life, and I know that many of us grow up homeless and without resources or guidance on financial matters (including high-interest unsubsidized student loans...grrr) I have none, but I hate to see people stuck with them.

I am proud to say that if I can hold on to this job I will be out of non-school debt in <4 years. Not paying for booze is a lot but the whole "not buying crap" thing is amazing. I left a job and moved across country with no future 2 years ago for this one and am still paying 2 mortgages - trying to do the right thing but the economy is...interesting. We live off <40% of our salary, and if I keep this job I have a chance of not living paycheck to paycheck.

Awesome.

Life is good, but grad school is brutal, and there is a lot of room for substance abuse, regardless of your path through school.

I was just trying share that with the OP, and if I could have a soapbox, it would be to educate kids about debt and savings...

I think maybe that was your message, too.

-nt

NoTears

Yeah, running cures about everything... it's hard to get the body in motion but also hard to stop it

Rickie

Grad school, or as we call it University financially ruined me, and that's where I picked up my addiction. I sacrificed so much an of utter joke that is effectively a stamped piece of paper. Even if I had finished, I'd be nowhere, not in this economy. The only money to be made now and in the forseeable future for our generation is through hard graft and enterprise (legal or otherwise). But the big question is does money = a happy life?

Anyway, wondered slightly OT there, my apologies. Besides, grad school was a piece of cake compared to beating addiction.

NoTears

errrrm.... yes, hard topics. extra education is no longer a guarantee to a job, but there are no jobs here for my mate so deeper in debt he goes and all I can do is well wishes. My mate is 39 with no degree and no job and this is his $0.02 "Due to the economy, trying to get an education now and hopefully by graduation, the job market will be better. The other side of that is not being able to find a job, being depressed by not working or having something to fill your day is worse than the debt that you incur trying for a better future."

NoTears

Oi Rickie,
Apparently I don't post enough for Pms. sorry about the bad educational times. It sucks. I'm not much of a poster but your stuff is right on with our discussions. None of us know what the best thing to do is. I made as much as a waiter as a professor. without the take-home work.

anyhow, proud of you for your sobriety. you rock.

Golden, you are still in our thoughts....

-nt

Rickie

Professor? Sweet . (I aint got sober yet mate. Slowly but surely. I have began to see the light tho and hugely limit the damage)

WatchTheSky

I was a proud, high-functioning young alcoholic. Now that I'm getting sober, I can see how far I fell really quickly. I would not have stayed high-functioning for long, and my education means a lot to me. I'm slowly but surely learning to work without alcohol. It's harder, but it's more satisfying. I'm not relying on pure luck or talent anymore.

Rickie

Eventually the affliction will win if it goes unchecked.

I accelerated my demise partially through boredom and lack of a challenge in life. "What's that you say, we only have 8 hours of lectures this week? I can afford to get smashed."

With the benefit of hindsight, viewing life now at 24/25, the successful people in my age category I know aren't necessarily those who had the natural smarts, but those those who possessed self control, a solid work ethic and have the ability to organise their life.

Funny world.

XxGoldenxX

LaFemme: i am completely aware that it is an excuse hence my use of one of the most common phrases...being "just one more" lol. But then again everything about addiction is an excuse if you think about it. i hope to do many things such as meditation to start picking life back up but it will still probably be a challenge to do many of things sober after doing them high for so long. im working on it though

im definitely with everyone on the whole school loans and such....i do find myself thinking if it would have just been better to stay a waitress...im great at it,i love doing it and you can bank at the right place. Also the idea of very little responsibility and no 8am-6pm. Im so not a morning person. Damn passion for psychology!...always gets in the way lol.

haha the suggestion for running sounds like a great one but i did track in high school and i HATE it now lol. maybe something like dance for me!