Inafishbowl

I don't want to drink still. I have been going to meetings every day pretty much for over a month. But I can't seem to get anything else done. I have my own business which really needs my attention. But all I can seem to do is

worry about the things I cannot change
and stick my head in the sand over the things I can.

The anxiety is debilitating. I'm not drinking. Really, I don't want to. But I feel like I'm a deer in the headlights. I can't make a move.

Toronto68

Ina, I don't use AA, but I know it's recommended to dive into the Steps usually, have you started to do that through a sponsor?

Aside from the program side of things, there is a conversation started on this in a way on this thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-sobriety.html . Not saying you are "depressed" per se, but what you are describing is familiar to me. Some people lack the ability to make a decision, they feel fuzzy, half awake, they regret something they just finished doing for some reason, and on and on. It takes time to adjust again.

Draciack

The first couple months were hard for me too, Inafishbowl, it just took some time and a lot of recovery to get back to normal after drinking so much for so long. It didn't happen on my timetable, which was frustrating, and yeah the wisdom to know the difference... Small steps were key for me, asking advice from others who had been there was helpful as well.

joedris

Going to meetings is one thing, working the program is another. I suggest you get yourself a sponsor (if you haven't done that already) and start doing something other than just sitting there.

AA is a program that requires you to work at it, not watch it. You really need to get out of the headlights and start moving. It seems like you're throwing a pity party here. A good sponsor will put an end to that and help get you moving in the right direction.

LexieCat

I felt paralyzed for a LONG time after I got sober. I hate to say how long, lol, I don't want to cause you more anxiety!

I was, in addition to recovering from alcoholism, coming off a BAD relationship (which had ended a few years previously but I'd never really processed it due to my drinking), and had some unpleasant workplace issues. So I think those contributed, too, and I think if I had gotten off to a quicker start on the Step work, that would have helped, too.

It seems almost entirely gone now, though, and life is good. Give it some time, but do consider getting busy with the Steps. It forces you to move forward, which is essential to overcoming inertia, I think.

artsoul

Hi InaFB - It really does take time...... I felt totally unmotivated, just a blob, for several months. Your sobriety is #1, remember. I had to cut out non-essential stuff (like doing the dishes some days!!) because I needed to come here and invest in my recovery.

It won't be like this forever, but if you think you need help for the anxiety/depression, I'd encourage you to see a doctor or psychiatrist. There's no reason to suffer......:ghug3

Inafishbowl

Thanks guys. It is a full blown pity party. For sure. I just can't get out of the rut. I have an upcoming court case the end of this month. Between what I've done to my family and worrying what the court is going to do to me, I'm just stuck. The events that took place recently happened in my first full blown black out. I have no memory and I can't stop trying to piece tiny little blippits of that night back together.
I do have a sponsor, I just can't seem to sit down to even focus on giving her my 1st step. I feel I have it. I got it. Clearly, my life is unmanageable. Clearly.

I do want to be happy. I do want what those people have. But part of me doesn't. Like I shouldn't be happy. Or I don't deserve it.

When my husband died, it was weird. Everyone was slipping me pills. I'm not a pill person. It never occured to me to take anything. Nothing for the depression or for sleep or for the hysterical painful fits. He died and I was supposed to hurt. I wasn't supposed to feel ok. That is why I didn't take the pills. I wasn't supposed to feel ok.

This feels like *that*. Like I'm supposed to be feeling like crap. I just don't want to do anything.

Lame. Wah! Pity party. Blah.

Inafishbowl

And yes. I know how lame and pathetic this sounds. Reading it back I want to throw up a little in my mouth. I just can't seem to connect the rational part of me with the irrational part of me. Even though I know it, I just can't seem to *do* it. I just can't get my butt in gear, like I'm stuck in quicksand.

This really is a grieving process.

EmeraldRose

Did you ever try reading these?
Just For Today....Just for Today^Al-anon^Serenity Prayer^One Day at a Time
It helps me to pick something to focus on if my mind gets all jumbled.

keithj

I was an utter wreck the first couple months of sobriety. Almost nothing else got done besides taking action in the Steps. It turned out OK. At the end of those couple months, I was deep in inventory. Things still sucked, but that desperation propelled me through the rest of the work. When that work was finished, there was no doubt that things were very different. It gave me the opportunity to repair the wreckage in my life.

bestofme

I feel the same way about a LOT of things in my life right now, but I KNOW I have to keep myself sober, and throw myself into recovery so that I can love myself and learn to live sober.

I am giving myself a bit of a break, my finances need major attention, my home does, my relationship w/ husband and daughter need to be rebuit, but I cant do any of those things in a day, and if I am not loving myself and being the best I can be w/ me, then I cant give to others.

I am doing a little wach day when it comes to those things, and having to have a lot of faith right now, of course Im not going to pay my bills, but if the dishes need to stay in the sink another day while I take care of myself, thats OK...they sat there for weeks before and I didnt even notice them drunk or high, maybe years HAHA!

Just take it easy, prioritize...Dont stress b.c that could cause you to not put yourself first, just do what you can when you can and keep yourself at the forefront of your recovery. You are saving you life right now and in a sense being reborn.

<3 best

LexieCat

I guess what we are all trying to get across is that you won't continue to feel this way indefinitely. Getting through the court date will help. Getting busy with whatever you can, will help. But it plain takes awhile.

Just don't jump to the conclusion this is how it will be. It's a process.