Welcoming any advise...
 

As of January 21st, my boyfriend was arrested for domestic abuse. He is an alcoholic. His parents arranged to send him to another state on 2/11/2011 to a halfway house to remove him from all of the bad influence in his life. I had tried numerous times to help him, but regretably failed miserably. Only in turn to have him turn on me.

He recently contacted me, but all I felt throught the conversation was that he needed someone to blame. He seemed very angry and bitter. I was under the impression they had brought him to a rehab facilty, but he instead ended up at a halfway house. He attends AA meetings, but I am not sure if he may just follow procedures to get out of there.

I was never a "big" drinker, a margarita at a Mexican restaurant or a pina coloada on vacation, but when we dated I felt I drank more often because he did. I have decided to cut it out all together, in the fact that I don't need to drink to be happy, and to further understand what he may be going through, and maybe support him, as a friend right now. I am not sure how to let everything go right now, and forgive, but I am willing to try.

Can anyone give me any advise or timeline on the emotions one will go through in the 12 steps? Is his anger a normal part of the process?

:gaah

Susan

Welcome to SR....:wave:

This is kind of you but you can not help him either
with his anger...alcholism or recovery.

Were you the target of his violence?
That sure is a scarey risky way to live...:hug:

Please consider not keeping in contact it's just a no
win situation for you...IMO

I'm speaking as a woman who left her abusive husband
and as a recovered AA alcoholic.

You might want to read this Forum for different veiws

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/

You are in over your head with this guy. Sorry, but when a man is arrested for physical abuse, that is your cue to move quickly in the opposite direction. You can't help him with his alcoholism and you certainly can't help him with his abusive behavior.

I agree that you should do some reading in the Friends and Family forum. Maybe it will open your eyes to what the future very well might hold if you continue on with this guy.

I agree. Arrested for domestic abuse, against you or not, is a huge sign to RUN. and if he's still playing the blame game toward you and being aggressive/bitter/angry, I see no reason for you to bother with him. Take care of yourself!

I agree, abuse of any kind is completely unacceptable.

Yes
 

Yes, the abuse was towards me. The first time, and also the last. I was talking with his father and he asked if "He had been drinking". I told him yes, and then he asked to speak to his son. When I handed him the phone, he listened for a moment then threw the phone at me. At the time, my daughter actually walked outside and called the police, since he would not stop blubbering. When the police arrived he actually acted as if he had no clue why he was there. I have decided since in our conversation, he actually is still blaming me, he is no where near recovering. In the future I will avoid his calls. I hope one day he can forgive himself, and that he finds inner peace. This could probably take him years. I would have thought after a month he would at least recognize he has a problem, and it is his fault and only his fault, but I was wrong.

Everyone has already given you great support on the first issue - but to answer this - there is no timeline. Everyone goes through the process differently and ONLY if they are willing!! He cannot be forced - and yes...anger is huge, especially when forced. He has to want it. Anger was normal when I was working the process of the program - not just while I was using. Anger is also a powerful drug for me. It alters my perception of reality and jacks me up like speed.

Best of luck to you, Hun. It sounds like you have a good plan with the "no-contact".

On the outs of my first marriage my husband struck me. Not hard but it was the act of what happened not the outcome. It didn't take me long to get a PFA (protection from Abuse) and have him removed from the house for safety of the kids. Well, of course, thru free will, he found every opportunity to harass me but I still had that piece of paper saying he was at fault.
I wouldn't stick around and wait for him to change. He has to change on his own, make up his own mind and unfortunatley this one incident will be the first of many before he 'decides' that changing is a good thing -if he decides at all. He has to find acceptance within himself that he even HAS a problem. Until he recognizes that and admits it then its a useless game. If you are always in his world you will always be the victim...the target.
I'm sorry that you are in so deep but jumping out of the pool is the best option for you. I have come to the conclusion in life that I can't save the world if the world doesn't want to be saved. But I can save myself.
Good Luck keep posting and read alot of the good info provided here.

Hi Lawssusan and welcome to SR :-)

Even tho he wont admit to his problems concerning alcohol, even refusing to see it,
it obviously has come to a point where he cannot help but express the torture, that
addiction to alcohol does, to some as it takes a serious hold.
I dont know the guy sure, but its possible that his outbursts and other negative vibes come as direct result of the alcohol dependencies early stages, and he has no power over it. So this is how he is feeling.
Id like to add here that i 'do not' intend to extend sympathy for him, or suggest he should recieve it elswhere either because that 'wont help' him or anyone else.
You have good advice already from exp' people, i suggest you take it, and leave him to fight this, 'his own battle'. He must apply himself to the help available, or (by the sounds) he will be in for a very difficult life, along with anyone connected to him, if he continues in denial.

Regards - Stimmed :-)

If you have to ask if something is wrong, it usually is.

Thank you all
 

So much for all of your advice and support. This is true he has to deal on his own. I know deep down this is the truth, and you are correct, this is his issue to handle. I just wish I wasn't so damn nice, then this would be so much easier for me. My mother also had a drinking problem, so maybe it was easier in some way for me to let him in. I will still continue for my own sake to stop drinking, but I hope that one day he can come to terms with himself. Thanks again, this insight is surely appreciated. I am going to continue educating myself with this site, as it is surely helpful.

Welcome to SR and I'm really glad you seem ready to cut your ex off. I hope you read up on here and learn more about alcoholism and the people it effects (ie not just the addicts).
Take care!