eddie73

Hi everyone,

I have had a number of 'relapses' over the last 2 years where I have sworn that I would never drink again and ended up doing so. According to my sponsor, it takes every last drop of alcohol to make you quit. What worries me is that I am unsure if I am able to hit my bottom, or at least learn from my past errors as hard as they were.

Secondly, I have heard and read about how life becomes so rich and whole when sober. I am struggling to find a gram of peace when sober.

I have a lot on face value that I should be thankful for. I really want to want it!

SSIL75

I don't know. I think you quit drinking when you want a new life. I don't like thinking too much about 'bottoms' as if it's a kind of predestined thing.

Have you never been happy sober? I know you've had some pretty decent stretches of time. How is your life otherwise? I've only been sober for 6 mos but lately when I feel dissatisfied I realize it has nothing to do with drinking (or not drinking). It's as simple as my life itself not being great. Maybe I'm not exercising enough. Or I'm disconnected from my husband. Or I'm struggling with my children.

Basically I've found more peace from NOT thinking about alcohol per se and really working on my life rather than My Sobriety. I don't know if that makes sense. It's hard to explain.

Hope you have a good day Enda!!

ronf

Eddie, "I" wanted sobriety, but my alcoholism didn't. Once I caught on to this "my mind has a mind of it's own" concept I realized there really was a part of me that wanted to destroy me. Once I was able to separate myself, my id, my personality, whatever you want to call it from the alcoholism things got a lot clearer for me.

Sorry if this sounds like a bunch of psychobabble BS, but it helped me. And yes, I'm one of those people with a drawer full of 30 day chips

Ron

Charmie

eddie you can stop this whenever you want to.i have sponsored a few ladies and they have all had different "bottoms"
i never ever learned from my past experiences...ever...that is the nature of my beast...
the mental obsession (one part of alcoholism) would not let me bring into my conscience the pain or suffering of what had happened to me previously.
i tried to stop drinking on my own will power many times but i always went back to it...why? because i wasnt happy with life...i was irritable,restless and discontent.felt like there was a great big hole in my soul and eventually after a period of abstinence my head thought it was a good idea to have a drink....to smooth out the edges.then the cycle begins again.
this idea that overides all ideas... the obsession... we cannot remove...we need help and thats what the steps are for...you said you have a sponsor eddie,what step are you on? a sponsors sole purpose is to take another alcoholic through the programme,if you become buddies after then great.i have seen non alcoholics (heavy drinkers) sponsoring "real alcoholics".
" heck yeh...i will sponsor you my friend" and it ends in disaster...the real alcoholic inevitably goes back to driking after being told to stay away from the first drink and thinks they have done something wrong because they are trying to achieve the impossible...has your sponsor had a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps eddie?
also this illness just LOVES....the easier softer way...so half hearted sponsorship is a boon for an alcoholic head...who the heck wants to do the work? usually booze is the great persuader...i hear alot of fear about the steps...its usually folk who have never done them that are scared of them.....the steps are actually the easier softer way.

SSIL75

^ bears repeating! Print it and put it on your bathroom mirror It's the basic premise of AVRT (rational recovery). If you haven't already googled that, you should. It underlies my whole recovery. I don't want drink anymore, ever and every time I want to it's NOT me talking. It's my alcoholism. I am stronger than it. I run my life, not my alcoholism.

AmericanGirl

Hi Eddie. The actual last drunk I had doesn't look nearly as bad as many I had over the years, so I don't particularly subscribe to the idea of an absolute bottom being hit.

However, what WAS different was that during it, I had a realization, a moment of clarity, in which I realized that if I continued to drink, I would continue to place drinking ahead of "myself" and it would continue to slowly erode my relationships, my soul/mental health, financial situation, etc. Only when I realized just how ugly the future looked if I chose the drinking path was I able to gather the strength to seek help and quit.

Daily gratitude helps too . . . there is a thread here for it, and you should join us!

doggonecarl

I had that same thing, called it a moment of clarity, an epithany, but for the first time I truly saw what alcohol was doing to me and where I was headed if I didn't stop. It was if a switch had clicked in my head. All the other "attempts" at quitting were a sham; lip service to my ego. The last try was real. No attempt to it.

CarolD

Eddie...
I consider my bottom was mental.
Outside circumstances were not a factor.

I was in and out of AA for 4 years...mostly in
before I actually quit.
What a misery go round that was!!


Ok...here is what worked for me...perhaps it will help you

I read "Under The Influence" my Milam & Ketcham
that explained to me why I often returned to drinking
tho I really desired to be sober.

Taking that info...I re connected to God and AA
started back to Step 1 and shifted into solid recovery.


Glad to see you here again with us...

michelle01

My last drinking incident was comparatively minor. I was hungover, out shopping with my mother, and had to excuse myself to go puke... she twigged, but she didn't even make a big fuss about it.

I felt terrible about it though, and I think I finally realized that my way wasn't working so good, so I enlisted some professional help. That was nearly 18 months ago.

Before that I'd had 30, 60 days sobriety here and there, but a series of relapses in between. If you relapse you have to pick yourself up and try again, not lose hope (look at me I lost count of my relapses) but I do think that it keeps you in a state of limbo with your sobriety, that's an unfortunate effect. And it makes it harder to receive the overall benefits of sobriety, which can take some time to really start becoming noticeable. And so some people can start rotating in a cycle... it's not a pleasant one to be in, I know from the experience.

I've tried every way I could think of to drink. I think that now the easiest, simplest solution for me is total abstinence.

I've seen people talk about a grieving process when giving up alcohol, it took some time for me to really accept and come to terms with my alcoholism, in the beginning it all seemed blurred and a near impossible task ahead of me. I had anger, depression, etc in the first few months but in talking it through with a good counselor managed to hang in there, and I am very happy now to have the obsession broken.

Kjell

Hmmm... that's a good question.

How does one want to want sobriety?

...and more importantly, can that want be taught?

I wish I had a solution for you, but I'm gonna have to think about this as I don't know.

Kjell

eddie73

Thanks everyone for your great replies. I have long gotten over the stage of mourning for alcohol when I give it up. It seems that my return to drinking happens suddenly and aggressively, without much temptation-more like a trance. It takes seconds. I am still on step one and step 2. I have tried to hand over many times, but do struggle with the higher power notion. I will have to keep trying.

stanleyhouse

I went through a similar experience as American girl and I'm glad I did. I didn't stop right away but it got the stages of change started.
SH

Kjell

Do you believe you are powerless over alcohol and your life is unmanageable?

...and if so, do you believe you will recover?

(in my experience, if your answers are yes, then yes, and then finally yes, then you've taken step 2)

michelle01

For me, that was part of the acceptance of my alcoholism - recognizing my own powerlessness. Getting nowhere on my own. I knew it after my last incident and was ready to hand it over. I'm no good at explaining it in terms of AA steps as I used another means, but wish you the best in addressing it with your sponsor. I know it feels strange to come from this place of brokenness and defeat, transforming that to some renewal and hope, but I found that to be a turning point for me.

SSIL75

Perhaps AA is not for you? Have you considered other routes? Professional counseling? I don't believe in a higher power in terms of recovery, either. Don't let that deter you

ste

"It seems that my return to drinking happens suddenly and aggressively, without much temptation-more like a trance. It takes seconds."

That's the F'it reaction. Somehow I had to learn to recognize those seconds as just a thought, a distorted thought at that. Between the time of the thought, and the time it takes to get a drink, I had the time, the chance, to respond. It's my responsibility. Pavlov's dogs could only react, God or HP or whatever didn't give animals responsibility. Yes, I could keep "trying", but as Yoda told Luke Skywalker... There is do, or do not, there is no try.

"I am struggling to find a gram of peace when sober.
I have a lot on face value that I should be thankful for. I really want to want it!"

You may feel at peace when you're not sober, I did, but realized I was still miserable.

It ain't easy brother, but we can do it!

LaFemme

Hi Eddie!

I agree with SSIL, maybe you need to try something different? Or keep going to AA but also get some professional counseling as well. You say you aren't happy sober, got it...for me, to be happy sober I needed to really work hard on myself, which I continue to do. Sobriety let me get the help I needed to be happy but sobriety in and of itself does not make me happy (well, my body feels better and I don't have the panic attacks anymore)

Personally I dislike the concept that you have to drink until you are ready to stop. You sound pretty ready to stop right now. You sound like you want sobriety now. So, in order to get it, change what you have been doing in the past.

I tried to get sober for 5 years, never more than a few days, I now have 8 months thanks to SR and my life coach.

recycle

How does a person set their intention and make it a robust feature of behavior? Well that is really the trick isn’t it? Stopping is not that tough, wanting to is.

I think meditation is a great help, not the currently popular concept of “sitting with your problems”, but deep concentration (Samadhi) to quiet my mind and prune the seeds of thought that allow using to flourish. With alcohol there was a catch, (dammit why is there is always a catch,) my alcohol damaged mind was so caught up in endless ruminations and despair that finding the necessary level of concentration was impossible. It is only recently that I have been able to achieve any stillness and separation from my thoughts. So I got down on my agnostic knees and prayed: “whomever, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…” I’d call it a mantra, but mantras are not supposed to have meaning. On one particularly rough day I copied the Serenity Prayer down twenty times in a row. I found it a subtle and powerful intention for a new way of life. I think I was able to reprogram mind to not see drinking as a solution. Today, I am pretty comfortable being sober, maybe God did it, maybe not. I can’t say I have found god, I am pretty convinced that whatever lies beyond this existence is… well… is beyond this existence.

I am only 5 months sober, so take my experience with a grain of salt. I am doing my best to work the 12 steps, not in a search for god, but in search of peace. My sponsor, bless his pointed born again head, has been a great help holding up a mirror for me to examine the insanity of my thoughts as I tease them out one by one. Good luck Eddie.

EmeraldRose

[QUOTE=eddie73;2889084]I have had a number of 'relapses' over the last 2 years where I have sworn that I would never drink again and ended up doing so. According to my sponsor, it takes every last drop of alcohol to make you quit. [QUOTE]

Not necessarily...I still had booze left in the bottle that day I lost my job. That was rock bottom for me...and poured the rest down the drain. That was it! Haven't drank since. As said, your bottom maybe different than my bottom (LOL that sounds funny) but we still want the same ending result for whatever reason it may be.
Since I knew I wanted to quit...Oh, say about 10 years now, I relapsed MANY MANY times regardless of my better judgement. I consider those 'relapses' mistakes that I needed to learn by. I needed to follow my path the way it played out to get to where I am right now. And I firmly believe that I am exactly where I need to be in my recovery.
Good Luck.

sailorjohn

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

Number 20.

This was my experience.

So I really can't offer any advice.

Good luck.