It can't go on like this...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 184
It can't go on like this...
Hi everyone. I had posted something on here quite a while back. At that point I was on day three of not drinking a single drop or smoking a single cigarette. Some of your advice pointed out the fact that I shouldn't be trying to tackle two bad habits at once, (good idea.) On the forth day I downed a few beers, a couple shots, and smoked a few cigarettes.
I am not proud of myself whatsoever. Not when it comes to a single thing. I am a 25 year old girl who has not, or feels as if I have not accomplished a thing.
People say that sort of thing all the time right? "I haven't finished a thing since I started my life." We all know that's sort of pushing the truth. I have finished high school, I didn't drop out. I wasn't drinking then. Not yet.
I started drinking at the age of (around) 17. Nothing serious, nothing dangerous. I would take a shot of vodka from my parents liquor stash from time to time. I would drink a beer at a house party but that's it.
Going over some of my old journals/diaries I was surprised to see how many negative things I had to say about alcohol and drugs, cigarettes and the people that take part in any of those things.
When I was 11 years old my mother and step father decided that they were going to move from Ontario, Canada to North Carolina. Jobs were running out, people were getting laid off from the healthcare field. My four brothers and my sister were old enough to stay up there. So four months after making the big MOVE decision, we hauled all of our crap and ourselves, and moved down here.
I was torn away from all of my family. My father, my grandparents, my brothers, my sister, all of my friends, my school. Everything I had ever known was thrown to the wayside.
Mom never drank much before she met my step father and they married in 1992. She had her first child when she was only 17. Another child when she was about 22 and then I came along when she was about 30. My two other brothers and my sister are through marriage. My step fathers kids.
When those two got together, mother and step father, the "party was on," as they like to say when they try to explain to folks as to why their daughter is such a whacko. They would drink every night, they would drink and drive with me in the car, they would haul me around to bars and take me on their boat all weekend, every weekend, and a lot of the times during the week. (That was all when we still lived in Canada.) They are and have alway been hard workers. We would leave the boat early in the morning to drive all the way back from the marina to our house.
Once we moved to North Carolina in '97, they slowed down a bit on going out, drunk driving, bars. They would drink at home every night. I would be in my room writing, crying, trying to sleep. Etc...
I had had a job since I was 13. Mom got a work permit for me and that's it, I just started to go to work. Work, school, work, school. I hadn't had many friends so it was always easy to go to work. No distractions. I was about a "c+" student while in school. I just really didn't care about grades or classes. I just stuck my nose in whatever book I was reading or whatever page I was writing on and went to town at that. My own thing.
Well once I turned 19 and figured that I'd rather not go on to college, (I do not come from, or anywhere near wealth,) I decided that it was time to travel. A boyfriend of mine and I bought a van. A chevy astro. We called in "Star Rock" and traveled from the atlantic to the pacific. We took about a whole year to do it. The boyfriend drank then like I drink now. Maybe even a little less than I drink now.
I would drink a beer now and then with him (I was still only 19, under the drinking age limit.) I wouldn't get drunk. I thank God that I wasn't drinking at that point, who knows what could've happened if I were.
Anyhow, time went on and I moved to Wilmington, NC. Party town, USA. I turned twenty one there and from that point on, it is extremely rare that I go a single day without a drink or five. At one point I sort of had a nervous break down that lead me to sobriety for sixteen days but then I got bored with that and picked it up again one night in Georgetown, SC.
At the beginning, at twenty one, drinking was fun for me. My crazy friends in Wilmington and I would go out nearly every night and get absolutely ripped.
I moved away from there and I believe that move might've saved my life. Now I'm back in Asheville, NC where my mom and step father first moved me. They're still here but they're planning on moving back in a couple years (once retired.)
Now for my present.
I just turned 25 at the beginning of February. I landscape for a living, I've been doing it for three years. My boss is one of my best friends and one of the biggest assholes, (excuse my language) that I've ever met. He takes out all of his stress and disappointment, depression and selfishness on me, He allows his workers to make their own hours. I have a hard time with that because if I want to have just one more beer, I don't have any obligations if I don't want them in the morning, (work.)
I drink at least five beers a day and just recently have picked up the liquor again. I had went a couple years without, but not on purpose, I would always just frequent bars that don't serve liquor. Now I'll have a few beers, a few shots and even a glass of wine before finally going to sleep.
I have a horrible time sleeping and I feel as if I'm seriously just ruining my life. The hangovers are almost every single day. I do live with a boyfriend, he does not have a drinking problem whatsoever. He has tried to support me in stopping but I'm very, very stubborn. I don't really even enjoy drinking anymore, I just do it.
I'll stop at the bar on the way home, I'll pick up a six pack on the way home...etc...
To be honest, I can only think of one single time I actually enjoy having a drink. I really like a glass of wine with dinner if my boyfriend and I go out to eat.
Other than that, the taste of beer is pretty disgusting to me, I just down it anyway.
I could go on and on and on about these things but I think many of you get the point. I could use some advise or support so I appreciate any of your replies. I have not drank yet today due to a hangover from yesterday.
One more thing..I really want to change. I realize that I have a problem and that I NEED to change. Before I started this serious bad drinking habit, when I lived in wilmington before I turned twenty one I would do yoga. I would go to a yoga studio and do it about twice a week. I felt healthy. I didn't smoke cigarettes. I felt the spirituality that I feel as if I have lost. I felt at peace with myself...I even liked myself back then, I treated myself differently and I felt as if I had more. Friends, a job that I liked, interests, hobbies.
Anyhow, thats to those of you who have read this rant of mine. I'll be looking forward to later when I don't feel this horrible headache of mine.
I am not proud of myself whatsoever. Not when it comes to a single thing. I am a 25 year old girl who has not, or feels as if I have not accomplished a thing.
People say that sort of thing all the time right? "I haven't finished a thing since I started my life." We all know that's sort of pushing the truth. I have finished high school, I didn't drop out. I wasn't drinking then. Not yet.
I started drinking at the age of (around) 17. Nothing serious, nothing dangerous. I would take a shot of vodka from my parents liquor stash from time to time. I would drink a beer at a house party but that's it.
Going over some of my old journals/diaries I was surprised to see how many negative things I had to say about alcohol and drugs, cigarettes and the people that take part in any of those things.
When I was 11 years old my mother and step father decided that they were going to move from Ontario, Canada to North Carolina. Jobs were running out, people were getting laid off from the healthcare field. My four brothers and my sister were old enough to stay up there. So four months after making the big MOVE decision, we hauled all of our crap and ourselves, and moved down here.
I was torn away from all of my family. My father, my grandparents, my brothers, my sister, all of my friends, my school. Everything I had ever known was thrown to the wayside.
Mom never drank much before she met my step father and they married in 1992. She had her first child when she was only 17. Another child when she was about 22 and then I came along when she was about 30. My two other brothers and my sister are through marriage. My step fathers kids.
When those two got together, mother and step father, the "party was on," as they like to say when they try to explain to folks as to why their daughter is such a whacko. They would drink every night, they would drink and drive with me in the car, they would haul me around to bars and take me on their boat all weekend, every weekend, and a lot of the times during the week. (That was all when we still lived in Canada.) They are and have alway been hard workers. We would leave the boat early in the morning to drive all the way back from the marina to our house.
Once we moved to North Carolina in '97, they slowed down a bit on going out, drunk driving, bars. They would drink at home every night. I would be in my room writing, crying, trying to sleep. Etc...
I had had a job since I was 13. Mom got a work permit for me and that's it, I just started to go to work. Work, school, work, school. I hadn't had many friends so it was always easy to go to work. No distractions. I was about a "c+" student while in school. I just really didn't care about grades or classes. I just stuck my nose in whatever book I was reading or whatever page I was writing on and went to town at that. My own thing.
Well once I turned 19 and figured that I'd rather not go on to college, (I do not come from, or anywhere near wealth,) I decided that it was time to travel. A boyfriend of mine and I bought a van. A chevy astro. We called in "Star Rock" and traveled from the atlantic to the pacific. We took about a whole year to do it. The boyfriend drank then like I drink now. Maybe even a little less than I drink now.
I would drink a beer now and then with him (I was still only 19, under the drinking age limit.) I wouldn't get drunk. I thank God that I wasn't drinking at that point, who knows what could've happened if I were.
Anyhow, time went on and I moved to Wilmington, NC. Party town, USA. I turned twenty one there and from that point on, it is extremely rare that I go a single day without a drink or five. At one point I sort of had a nervous break down that lead me to sobriety for sixteen days but then I got bored with that and picked it up again one night in Georgetown, SC.
At the beginning, at twenty one, drinking was fun for me. My crazy friends in Wilmington and I would go out nearly every night and get absolutely ripped.
I moved away from there and I believe that move might've saved my life. Now I'm back in Asheville, NC where my mom and step father first moved me. They're still here but they're planning on moving back in a couple years (once retired.)
Now for my present.
I just turned 25 at the beginning of February. I landscape for a living, I've been doing it for three years. My boss is one of my best friends and one of the biggest assholes, (excuse my language) that I've ever met. He takes out all of his stress and disappointment, depression and selfishness on me, He allows his workers to make their own hours. I have a hard time with that because if I want to have just one more beer, I don't have any obligations if I don't want them in the morning, (work.)
I drink at least five beers a day and just recently have picked up the liquor again. I had went a couple years without, but not on purpose, I would always just frequent bars that don't serve liquor. Now I'll have a few beers, a few shots and even a glass of wine before finally going to sleep.
I have a horrible time sleeping and I feel as if I'm seriously just ruining my life. The hangovers are almost every single day. I do live with a boyfriend, he does not have a drinking problem whatsoever. He has tried to support me in stopping but I'm very, very stubborn. I don't really even enjoy drinking anymore, I just do it.
I'll stop at the bar on the way home, I'll pick up a six pack on the way home...etc...
To be honest, I can only think of one single time I actually enjoy having a drink. I really like a glass of wine with dinner if my boyfriend and I go out to eat.
Other than that, the taste of beer is pretty disgusting to me, I just down it anyway.
I could go on and on and on about these things but I think many of you get the point. I could use some advise or support so I appreciate any of your replies. I have not drank yet today due to a hangover from yesterday.
One more thing..I really want to change. I realize that I have a problem and that I NEED to change. Before I started this serious bad drinking habit, when I lived in wilmington before I turned twenty one I would do yoga. I would go to a yoga studio and do it about twice a week. I felt healthy. I didn't smoke cigarettes. I felt the spirituality that I feel as if I have lost. I felt at peace with myself...I even liked myself back then, I treated myself differently and I felt as if I had more. Friends, a job that I liked, interests, hobbies.
Anyhow, thats to those of you who have read this rant of mine. I'll be looking forward to later when I don't feel this horrible headache of mine.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome back, Linz - sorry you're caught in the vicious cycle. I lived that way for years, too, and though I was miserable it was really scary to think about quitting. I think towards the end, a few drinks just made me feel "normal". The hangovers got worse though - if I wasn't drinking I felt anxious and depressed......
Things really can be a whole lot better, even though it doesn't seem that way now. Since you're a daily drinker, it might be best to talk to a doctor so you can get through the first few days. I really feel for you - it's a miserable place to be.
You've been through a lot, but with help you can turn it around. I'm praying for a new life for you - you deserve it.:ghug3
Things really can be a whole lot better, even though it doesn't seem that way now. Since you're a daily drinker, it might be best to talk to a doctor so you can get through the first few days. I really feel for you - it's a miserable place to be.
You've been through a lot, but with help you can turn it around. I'm praying for a new life for you - you deserve it.:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
I think you've made the right choice being here if you are miserable. I know its not easy...but you've got us.
Oh and I have a son that lives near Statesville area and a brother that lives down near Waxhaw. Beautiful country...I was there a few years back when my grandson was born. I know how hard moving can be -my ex moved us from PA to SD...all my family is back east. I felt so empty for along time.
Oh and I have a son that lives near Statesville area and a brother that lives down near Waxhaw. Beautiful country...I was there a few years back when my grandson was born. I know how hard moving can be -my ex moved us from PA to SD...all my family is back east. I felt so empty for along time.
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