NobleCause

to the glass of red wine placed before me at dinner. And tho I am aware that this is certainly no monumental achievement in the grand scheme of things, it felt damn good to exit two and a half hours later, sober, sharp, and having honored my intentions.

I realize it's not wise to needlessly entertain situations which include temptation so early in my sobriety (especially given my recent track record), but there are those that are unavoidable for me, like tonite's business dinner. It's been a wretched week in terms of stress, deadlines and late hours at the office, and aside from destroying myself with work, I've had little opportunity over the past five days to do anything other than punish myself in the gym (my misguided strategy to achieve balance). So when I rolled up to the table tonite, I was fried, running on steam, and feeling a bit explosive... Prime condition for a bender. And I wanted badly to bend. To just have a few and be normal and tipsy and charming. Or to sneak in just the one sitting in front of me, taunting and ready. I was all but sold.

But suddenly I remembered this - I also want badly to take myself seriously. To not succeed in talking myself out of sobriety every single time I run up against a bottle and an imperfect moment. To give myself at least a fighting chance. And then I also realized how obscenely, chillingly dangerous it was to be entertaining the notion of a "couple" of drinks while out on a Friday night with major clients, as the propensity for a "couple" of drinks to quickly devolve into absolute, blinding chaos with me has been well demonstrated. So I stuck it out. Stopped reaching for the glass stem absent mindedly. Focused, took some deep breaths and ordered a tea. Took charge. And had an incredibly productive evening.

Apologies for the rambling. Just feeling grateful and relieved for this minor victory. And truly unnerved by how close I came to failing.

Veritas1

Happy for you

Smudg3r

Nice post Noble, I really can identify with your 'style'. The stress, late hours.

...and the excuse to relieve that stress.

Oh yeah, I know that.

I'm happy you made the right decision mate.

mtnmagic

WooHoo for you NC. Sorry to disagree, but I think your choices tonight were significant and monemental in the grand scheme of things at your business dinner. In fact I find it awesome....

May not be as classy as you are able to write (and I do admire your writing style very much)...
HEY, WAY TO GO!!!

With that, it's time to try and haul myself to bed and get some sleep, cuz I'm still emotionally exhausted from my other day. Good night.

ronf

Noble, Great post. The tone of it made me think of someone standing up to there boss and saying NO, I will not work late again tonight, it's my little girl's birthday and I wont disappoint her again. You have your priorities strait and you did the right thing !!

Ron

starlight40

Noble,

I agree, it was a huge victory for you! It was like David standing before Goliath and saying "You can not defeat me because you have no power over me!"

Congrats!

spryte

Way to go Success!

It's the first drink that's our biggest baddest enemy.

LexieCat

Nice going!

For future reference, it is widely accepted to turn one's wine glass upside down if you don't care for any wine. The waiter generally removes the upside down glass when serving, and will then bring you ice water or whatever (I usually order unsweetened iced tea).

Anna

I'm glad you're doing well!

I think that balance is crucial for recovery, at least for me.

EmeraldRose

I agree with the magnitude of this accomplishment. That is HUGE!
Great thinking, smart decision and mature approach. Good For You!!

dbearw

"wine with dinner" started my 3 relapses. It's a huge deal that you said no!! Good job!

NobleCause

Good tip! (Sober living seems to me in some ways like assimilating into a foreign culture, all sorts of new customs to learn and it feels awkward and easy to fall out of step at times.)

I'm with you on the tea - these days I guzzle the stuff like it's going out of style, tho I'm most partial to the green and hot varieties.

NobleCause

Starting to think hard about my work habits/patterns... I'm certainly Type A and certainly a bit of a workaholic, and I can't say that those characteristics haven't helped me keep my career intact even while everything else in my life exploded in dramatic fashion. But I have begun to wonder if the way that I work might instigate or encourage some of the craving and unhelpful mindsets I keep confronting. Might be time to reevaluate some things.

NobleCause

Actually, what I am coming to believe more and more is that my biggest, baddest enemy is my alcoholic self. The drink just happens to be my weapon of choice...

Nothing in that glass last night but ethanol, sulfites, water and sugar. It's my insane, alchemist, addict brain that somehow makes it seem like liquid gold.

Inafishbowl

Right on!

artsoul

Way to go NC! I remember getting through my first mandatory social event just about 2 weeks after I first got sober. At one point a friend tried to hand me a glass of wine and it was just a foot or two from my face. The look, the smell........ it was a surreal moment, but I got through it.

The best part of the whole evening was driving home feeling totally clear-headed and grateful. I was driving along, feel great...... then had to stop at an intersection and voila - a cop pulls up right beside me in the next lane. I don't know whether it was divine validation or just coincidence, but a feeling of freedom came over me. All those years of not be able to go places or look people in the eye, or talk to them, for fear they'd noticed I'd been drinking.......

So thanks for sharing your story - You did the best thing possible - you followed your thought to the inevitable consequences of taking that first drink. Next time it will be that much easier!

CarolD

A new U.S. President came into D.C. bringing along his staff.
I worked in the nearest cocktail lounge to the White House.

Mr. X..about to become internationally well known
pulled the owner/manager aside....
"I.m known as a Martini on the rocks guy
no matter who orders me what...please bring me water with an olive
charge them for a martini. I no longer drink"

We did...he stayed sharp as others got bent...

Good to know it worked out for you

NobleCause

I've actually got a couple of bottles of sparkling cider stashed in my private mini fridge in my office right now - champagne toasts are not an unusual way to celebrate a victory at my company, and tho it is a little sneaky, showing up with my own glass is the most low key route I've found for navigating those minefields right now. (Usually it seems I only have to keep the "fitting in" act up for the first two rounds - after that point, everyone's so much into their own buzz they couldn't care less about what's in my glass.)