jch116

Wow, I don't even know where to begin. I haven't had a drink in so long, and then last night I don't know what happened, I thought I'll JUST HAVE ONE. What a mistake!! I had myself believing that I could actually have one or two and then stop. I thought "maybe I can drink like a normal person, it really sucks that I can't have a few just like everyone else, you probably can because look how long it's been since you've drank ANYTHING." To make a long story short, I'm late for work, can't remember going to sleep, and picked a fight with my wonderful boyfriend, who is totally baffled this morning and doesn't understand "what the hell is wrong with you." I can't believe after all this time that I haven't drank at all yet just one and I have no control. It was like after the first drink a switch flipped and I had no control over anything. Now here I am, late for work, feeling guilty, sick, remorseful and like a failure. I thought I could do this all on my own, as if because I hadn't drank in so long I had "cured" myself. I realize now that even ONE drink is like poison to me. I never really thought I was a "real" alcoholic, now I fully understand that I am. I'm so sick and tired of this. I feel like a complete failure and a terrible girlfriend, friend, and parent. I know now that I can't do this on my own, what really troubles me though is that I always thought AA was a joke, I went to a few meetings and thought, "okay, if people can quit just by coming here and talking then you should be able to do this all by yourself. Sometimes I still feel it's a weakness that I should be able to control if I was a strong person with a little self control. But when I pick up that first drink I am done. I become a totally different person, a selfish, mean, and sometimes hateful woman that I don't know or understand. I just hope my family will understand and forgive me. I hope I can forgive myself. Anyway, I just wanted to say that this forum has been really an inspiration to me at times and it's nice to know that others have been where I am right now and have gotten better. This alcoholism truly is a baffling disease that will pick right up where you left off no matter how long it has been since you've drank. I know now that I need to quit for good and forever, and that I will never be able to have "just one or two." I think that is the hardest realization I've had to deal with. I always felt that I could never be a real drunk, like some of the people I've known who have been homeless, broke, and alone. After my behavior last night, I realize how lucky I am to have people who love me and have tolerated me over these last several years. I owe it to me, and to my family to stop this insanity. Many thanks for everyone on this site, it's so nice to know that there are people out there who understand and are supportive and encouraging. This place has been a lifeline for me, but I know now that it's just part of the package. I'll be heading to a meeting today and I'm going to keep going back. I truly believe it 's the only way I can do this. I know now that doing it on my own will never be enough. I feel truly humbled, ashamed, and yet so grateful for the people who have walked this walk before me and understand. You are all a real inspiration. Just wanted to say thanks.

LaFemme

Hi jch!

Sorry for your troubles and I'm glad you've decided to try something new...from what I understand (I don't do AA) its not so much going to meetings and talking but doing the work...that's the important part and where the change comes.

Glad to see you here and keep posting!

Do you mind if I ask how long you were sober?

LaFemme

Jabbadabutt

No matter how bad you screw up, we will be here to try to help.

If AA was not right for you perhaps you can consider an alcohol counselor to talk about it. It sounds scary but it really was one of the easiest things I did....once I did it.

OklaBH

Sweetheart....you have a disease. I know because I have the same one. I stopped drinking in January. I tried it on my own and relapsed 2 times. The
2nd was much worse than the first. Once I get that first taste its all over for me. I have been to 3 AA meetings and it helped a lot. Im going to a meeting tonight, and tomorrow and Sunday. I say a prayer every morning asking God to keep me sober. I read a few passages in my AA book and go from there. I have to stay in it or I will relapse again. At the rate I was going I would be dead or seriously handicapped within 5 years. I know you can do it. I also know it REALLY sucks. I have cursed myself for years "why cant i just have 1 or 2?" I cant...I have to have 15 or 20, black out, pass out and totally hate myself. Thats no fun for ANYONE involved.

Supercrew

jch, I don't know how long you had been sober, but people using every recovery method will relapse....hate to say it but even in AA, but when you relapse in AA they just tell you you did the steps wrong, and to start over.

If you are working what you thought was a successful program, and you had a slip up don't feel bad, you will remember the experience and get active again daily in your recovery. Whatever you were doing was working, you just had a very short lapse of judgement. Don't beat yourself up, just get back on the horse that brought you this far, or if you really think you need to find a program get to a meeting, I'm guessing with your last experience that might keep you sober for a while also.

Opivotal

It seems to me that once that Alcoholic voice gets in your head, one must stay vigilant and make sure it doesn't take over and win. Once we let our guard down it seems to sneak in. I'm glad your taking it upon yourself to prevent this from happening again. I don't know how long you were sober but you can walk down that road again. With some support maybe you'll even skip a little.

Best Wishes to You! :ghug3

24hrsAday

jch116: the voice in my head tells me i'm OK and can have a Few too.. thats why i still go to A.A. meetings even after being sober 4 + years now.

chrisb245

Jch
I totally understand where you are coming from (although I like pills not booze.) I had started to think I could use just once in a while, but I knew it was a lie the hole time. Now I back here on day 5 going through hell. stay strong.

TotoBidule

jch - it's you who is the inspiration. Knowing there are others out there that battle with the "I should be able to have just one or two" and "what is wrong with me, everyone else seems to manage" has literally just made me cry for joy. It's OK, and I'm NOT alone. Thank you.

keithj

jch116,

You are describing precisely what AA's BB describes as the mental obsession of alcoholism. After a time, all those good reasons I had for not drinking were somehow forgotten in favor of the idea that this time, somehow, it will be different. It never was.

When I could see the truth if my own experience with that, and accepted that I wasn't being successful doing what I 'thought' should work for me, I became willing to take the Steps as they are described in the BB. I haven't had a drink since, nor does the question of whether or not I'm going to have a drink ever come up. The problem is gone.

A lot of people have a lot of ideas of how to stay sober. I would pay special attention to those that have consistently stayed sober, and heed little the ideas of those who keep relapsing themselves.

Inafishbowl

Maybe try and think of this as a gift of clarity. I'm struggling big time finding gratitude in my horrible behavior. It's not easy, but I'm trying. Dust yourself off and move forward. I'm sorry you're hurting so badly today.

Kjell

This, for me and being in AA, is a great reminder to the fact that I am truly powerless over alcohol.

I constantly did things, while drinking, that I truly regretted. I harmed many with my selfish and sometimes reckless behavior (including myself).

Maybe this is true with you too?

Kjell

Supercrew

Just a question for the members of AA. If someone has found some good sober time using AA and the 12 step program and then they have a moment of weakness and have a short relapse, do they tell that member to look for another program? Or do they tell the member to rededicate themselves to the AA program?

keithj

The only members I tell a darn thing to are the ones I sponsor. And even then, I don't tell them anything. I show them what I do. I show them what has led to years of contented sobriety for hundreds of thousands of once hopeless alcoholics.

Supercrew

So you don't tell them to find a new program. And people in all programs will occasionally relapse.

I'm not sure what you mean by "you show them".

Kjell

When I first came into AA, I didn't just stop drinking and I was never told to go try another program. This time period was only a few months, but I probably "relapsed" 4 or 5 times during that time (one time led to my 2nd dui).

The folks at AA kept working with me (mainly my sponsor) until I finally stopped drinking and then by working the steps the obession was removed.

Kjell

Zebra1275

jch116

Much of what you wrote is similar to my story. Several years of sobriety on my own, then convincing yourself that I can drink normally because it has been so long, etc. Unfortunately for me, my one night of drinking turned into 3 nights of drinking. Then 3 - 4 weeks sober, and then another couple of nights of drinking, and so on, for about a year. Now I'm in AA and working the steps and have a fair amount of sober time under my belt. I hope you can limit your experiment to just the one night.

Supercrew

Thanks Kjell, that was my only point. If JCH has found quality sober time through her method, and she had a prior experience with AA, no reason to reinvent the wheel, she just needs to get back on the horse. If you get lazy or to confident in any program there is a chance for a relapse. If she feels she can only get happily sober again through AA, then by all means she should go. But it is easy to get depressed after a relapse and change course, when all that might be necessary is a rededication to her current method.

bellakeller

Thank you for your post! You have helped my tremendously!

Much love.

Zube

JCH116-

The BAD news is, you're not a failure, you're an alcoholic.
The GOOD news is, you're not a failure, you're an alcoholic.

And there are a LOT of us out there JUST LIKE YOU.

In my own, very humble, opinion...Reconsider AA. People don't quit by just coming around the tables and talking. I could sit around a table of pilots and talk about flying, but I'm sure not going to get into an airplane and fly it afterwards. The people who succeed in AA take action. They get a sponsor and they work the 12 steps.

Alcohol is Cunning, Baffling, and Powerful. It WILL try to convince you again that you can take that first drink, I promise. Will you be ready?

Best of luck to you,
Zube