weezyfbaby10

Here is what I wrote tonite. Trying to let go of the past. I wrote it pretty quick but I wanted to share I'm sure i will write more later. Basically my past up till now and how I got to this point. I'm 22 and in college. Building my life back up but still have some baggage. Thanks for any input! :

In 8th grade I moved out of my dads house because I was confused about many things. I rotated weeks with my Mom and Dad. My Mom and sister would tell me about all the horrible things my Dad used to do, mainly because of his drinking. As I was getting older I was becoming more aware of my surroundings and started noticing his drinking and the way he was acting was not healthy. This caused me to worry about many things as a impressionable young teenager.

I left his house for many reason, to which I am not too sure about. It seemed like such a chaotic time and I'm not even sure what I was feeling. I think a part of me was hoping he would fight for me and sometimes I feel like it was selfish of me to leave. I loved my brothers and my Dad and I just left. Once I had left I knew I had made a mistake but the only time he would talk to me was when he would call the house drunk and call me a big baby. I would just start crying. I would just start crying anytime someone in the family tried to talk to me about it. I was lost and did not know how to manage these feelings. This, I feel, caused me to alienate from my family.

I was about to go to high school which is a scary time in a young person's life and I felt completely alone. Also I was dealing with feelings of being gay but at the time i did not understand these feelings. As I started high school I was completely lost and tried to get the wrong people's approval in the wrong ways. I tried so hard to be funny and just make people laugh. My dad used this and now I realize inside we are crying. I feel like I completely lost myself at this period of time and I just got deeper and deeper into self-destruction.

I would try to get approval from everybody cause inside I was so lost. I started drinking and always acting extremely stupid just for laughs. By sophomore I knew I was gay for sure, and going to a competitive all guy school made me even more insecure. I decided to switch to a school where my best friend at the time went. It was a coed school. I thought this would solve my problems and my whole life would change. This would be a pattern that repeated itself throughout my life. I would leave where I'm at thinking it was the situation that caused my sadness instead of changing myself. I went to this new school and, of course, my same problems were there. Once this reality set in I was taking Ecstasy on the weekends with a friend of mine and just acting way out of control. I was very mean to my family, I was just completely lost and took out all of my anger towards my family.

Looking back now I am so embarrassed and if only my family knew how much I really care. I look back now and I don't know how I let this life happen to me. Why didn't I just sit back and look at myself to change instead of wanting everything around me to change. Like I feel like that wasn't really me, i have no idea who has been controlling my life but I know it hasn't be me. Anyways, my family had had enough and sent me to Brat camp. I was in the wilderness for fifty days over the summer after my Junior year. While it did help in some ways I still was bullshitting my way through life. I felt like i haven't been doing netting for me, it has all been for approval. When I came back things were better but it felt like I was just bullshitting my way to keep the peace and just thinking I will wake up after high school and my life will be as I dreamed. I went to college and realized I wasn't prepared at tall and was pretty isolated during the school week and would drive home and just hang out with old friends and smoke weed not talking about my problems and just acting stupid as usual. I would just make everybody laugh, everybody thought i was hilarious but i was crying inside. So i decided to go to the college some of my friends were going to and of course, nothing changed. I was still sad on the inside and started smoking weed every day excessively and was extremely depressed. I felt like I lost myself. I did not feel alive at all. Like it was a really weird time just so lost and felt like there was no way out.

I was so lost and I just wanted to feel better so of course I started blaming it on my situation instead of on myself. I was lost with so much despair that I actually wrote a note on face-book announcing I was gay. It was so pathetic and so embarrassing. I look back now and I am like what the ****, what the **** was i thinking. I just made an ass out of myself and it is ridiculous. I get scared that somebody that has seen it will run into me out in public. I just don't understand what came over me. Like i look back at this time, actually most of my life, and I just don't understand what the hell I was thinking. I moved back to Houston after a year and half of that. Stayed at home and felt so lost and dropped out of my classes. I found out my dad had lung cancer and it wasn't looking good so i started spending time with him and my little brother allot but i felt like i wasn't really there.

I felt dead on the inside completely empty, I still can' twelve nobody was like dude what wrong with you cause I was not myself I felt like I barely talked and it was just such a weird situation. My dad passed a year ago and now that I feel like I'm starting to build myself back up I can't tell him How sorry I am for leaving. Then again my family that is still here I don't man up and tell them. While I do spend time with them I just feel like there's a wall between us. I help out with my siblings kids and I see them often. I feel allot more alive now and I go to school full time and am doing really well. I have reconnected with some friends again but I still feel broken in some ways. I just want to keep improving and I am excited about the future now and very hopeful. I feel like I have put myself through so much stuff and I am finally building myself up and I just want to stay on the right track. I have started going to AA meetings and now I am going to therapy. I am glad the hurricane is over but I know there is A LOT of cleaning up to still do.

Dee74

Hi weezyfbaby10

I think we all have regrets and things we wish hadn't happened. The thing is the past is the past - we can't change it.

We can try and atone for it tho with what we do today - and it sounds to me like you're doing all the right things

Welcome to SR!
D

weezyfbaby10

Thanks!

Antiderivative

Each and every day you have a chance to build a better life for youself.

least

Welcome to the family.

kiki5711

Wow, that's a lot of understanding of self for a 22 yr old.! You're doing an excellent job! Life is a constant change of challenges and each one you succeed you build your self assurance more and more. And even the challenges you fail are a lesson.

Best of luck, you're doing super!