Inafishbowl

So granted I was PMSy during that last tantrum I had here. Not an excuse but I am seeing a pattern with that and how and when I drank. Also, although I didn't want to drink, I raged for 2 days. I had zero control just like when I binged for a day or two. Then yesterday I cried all day, feeling much like I did with a hangover. Hopeless, sad, scared, ashamed. Today I feel a little calmer but all of this has manifested itself into some kind of GI issue. I'm certain it's stress but it's bad like food poisoning.

So far the not drinking has been a cake walk compared to all of these feelings and emotions. Like alcohol, I have zero control over them and what feels like zero control at times what what I do with them.

How long before I feel some semblance of steadiness? This roller coaster sucks.

ste

Hi IFB,
Hope Mr. Fishbowl is back. I don't know about PMS things (first hand), but understand different remedies work for different people. Some swear by them. Don't know if you tried any, just sayin...

Sugah

For you, I don't know. I can only tell you my experience.

After my 4-5-6 steps and facing myself, after the 8-9 steps and facing others, and with some practice using a 10th step, I quit raging. My last episode of rage was in January, 2004. I was a little more than fourteen months sober, lost my temper, threw a cordless telephone at my son, and then struck him.

I acted that way in the past, drunk and fighting with my partner, but now, I was single, chemically sober--and my son was in my path. He was thirteen. I prayed and begged for that rage response to be taken from me, and though I've had plenty of moments of frustration and even anger, I've never raged since that day. Thankfully, my son, who's now twenty, has forgiven me.

For me, it was all about examining myself first and accepting that the rage resided in me, not in some situation outside of me. Read the paragraph on page 417 that begins, "And acceptance is the problem to all my problems today..."

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Kjell

Hiya Fish-

I think you may be learning a valuable lesson here.

We remove the alcohol, but then we're stuck with us.

I would have never believed it, until I experienced it myself. It was true - alcohol was but a symptom of my bigger (biggest) problem...me.

I was my own problem. Me!

Boy once I realized that my recovery really took off. It hurt, it was very painful and still is, but by working the steps, life (and myself) finally started to make sense to me and that was wonderfully painful and rewarding.

Step 1
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."

Step 1 came to have a WHOLE new meaning to me. My life, run by myself and of my own will, was completly unmangeable.

Maybe this is true with you too?

Kjell

Inafishbowl

I'm having this horrible fear to get started on the 4th step. Stuckity stuck stuck stuck. I feel like I'm going to be 12 stepping away from my husband. I know I need to continue, but I just can't stay in the moment. I can't stop horibalizing everything. I'm so sad today. Can't stop crying still.
I need a new sponsor. Mine basically told me that she is missing meetings because she is taking medication that precludes her from being in the rooms. I hear "relapse". I'm frustrated with that too. She has/had 15 years sober. She claimed to have and really did seem to have had the spiritual awakening I wanted in a sponsor. Why do I gravitate to these people?!

A very bad day still. I am my biggest problem and I don't like me. Waaaa! Now it's another pity party.

Blah. I'm going to a meeting now.

Kjell

It may not seem like it now, but in my experience, you are are on the right path.

Especially the part about "blah. I'm going to a meeting now"

Kjell

Anna

I believe that the vibe you put 'out there' is what comes back to you. For so long, I attracted women into my life who were shallow, self-absorbed, and had nothing to give. The whole 'friends' thing just sucked for me. So, with recovery, I changed. It's like Kjell said, it was me I needed to change. And, within a month of recovery, two amazing women appeared in my life, one who was clearly a mentor/teacher and both became dear friends.

kiki5711

I use to wonder why I was always involved with psycho people I had to go to war with. Then I realized "I thrived on it". It wore me out though.

I'm so happy just to be at home watching tv and not being a magnet for drama.

Fandy

i am still learning to have a relationship with myself and not attract drama....i am a better person for it, but it's a daily learning process.

i hope you are feeling better today.

mtnmagic

Great process you have going on here, Fish. Figure out what is really going on with you, then sharing it FtoF at AA and on here so you can work through it. Sorry it hurts so much though, that part I understand!

Mark75

Once I got through the 4th and 5th steps, I began to see myself in a detached, unemotional sort of way, objectively... I was able then to see what I needed to proceed into 6 and 7 with... but not in a burdensome way... more that I understood, how things happened, why certain things were, and the painful attachments I had to all that sh1t began to leave...

Dee74

Hi IAFB
I'm glad you're back with us on the right road.

It took quite a while for me to become 'steady'...I think one of the best things I learned in my recovery was patience.

I had faith tho, that as long as I stayed sober and continued working on myself, things would be good....and they were.

Try not and pre-empt your future - the work you're doing now is necessary - just do it and see what happens (another recovery lesson - letting go of outcomes )

D

Inafishbowl

Anna and Kiki, I am sort of attract different psychos. Like my husband (kidding). I avoid the drama gossipy types. I actually kind of am proud of the people I have chosen to surround myself by. Most of them very spiritual in one way or another. I think that is why being in AA has become so easy for me. I don't resent their peace of mind. I want it. I've been searching for it my whole life.
But I think my friends as wonderful as they are have some sort of fascination with my life. I grew up with a schizophrenic mother, was a widow at 32, etc. I've done a great job at making myself look so put together. I even thought I had myself fooled into thinking I had accepted all of the hardships in my life. Not so.

The woman who sponsored me is very kind and sweet and peaceful. I am worried about her. My feeling is that she seems to know she is slipping in some way and is letting me go because it's the right thing to do for ME. I am scared to call and check on her.

My meeting was exactly what I needed today. Pages 82-86 in the big book all about focusing on myself and not my families spiritual condition, etc. I cried the whole meeting and it ended just when it was going to be my turn to read. I'm grateful for that. I just needed to listen today.

Thanks everybody for your words. I am paying close attention and listening to you. I have faith even if I can't feel much today at all.

Anna

Your comments about 'looking' put together sure hit home with me.

I grew up in an incredibly abusive home and looking back on it, it was like growing up in a war zone and never knowing what to expect next, so always, always being on-guard. Anyways, I became a very skillful liar and put on a bright and competent attitude. I would be the last person you would think was falling apart inside. I am grateful that my addiction allowed me to be the person I really am.

It could be that your sponsor feels she is slipping and is letting you go, and that's very sad. I'm not sure if you can offer support to her, but regardless, you need to make yourself the priority.

stanleyhouse

It took my husband to point out the PMS cycle to me. That was always when I was most irrational and angry. And then like you said I would get very depressed. I still go through the cycle but without the irrational part and I can recognize and work through the anger. My depressison meds have helped. I would say it took between 3 to six months.
SH

Aysha

Wow..I was right there with you a couple weeks ago. I had my own meltdown all over this board. LOL
Thank goodness for everyone here. You guys have a high tolerance. LOL
I get sick of myself sometimes.
But Your making it. Thats what matters IMO.
You are very aware of these things. And that is important for me too.
I have a bad habit of putting myself around the worst kind of people. I just cant shake that for some reason. But I do work on it.
I am getting better at it.
Its good your going to meetings still. Some may get frustrated and not bother.
I know I have done that.
I like what Anna said. And whoever said changing yourself.
I am facing that myself. Its quite an awakening for me. Especially the clearer my mind gets. I have to watch everything some days. Or I will fall back into old ways feeling crazy.
Hang in there. I am always told..It may not get easier. But it will get better.
Hang in there.

LexieCat

I agree with what Trish said. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Don't project what will happen with your marriage and your other relationships. Getting recovered WILL help you, no matter what.

The dynamics of relationships change when one or both people are in recovery. It's a lot of adjusting on everyone's part. It's too soon to have a clear picture of how everything will evolve. Keep doing the "next right thing" and good things will come to pass. It won't always be easy or comfortable, but it will be right.