DrunkenBasement

I went to a meeting this morning. I had never been to this particular one before, but I'd been invited numerous times by other members to come check it out. Overall, it was a really good meeting, but something happened right before the meeting started that really shook me up when I thought about it later. I sat down next to an old man. He seemed very friendly. He was asking me about myself. Am I originally from the area, what meetings do I usually go to, where did I attend school, what do I do for a living, etc. When I told him that I have a Master's degree and a job that I've been at for 5 years, he said, "Are you sure you're an alcoholic? You don't sound like one." I assured him that I had no doubt in my mind that I was indeed an alcoholic. The meeting then got started.
Thinking about this conversation later got me sort of angry. What if that had been someone attending their very first meeting and not me sitting next to the old man? Someone who is questioning whether they are an alcoholic? Hearing an old-timer with 31 years of sobriety question them may be enough convince them for the time being that they don't need to be there. Or anyone at a weak moment, sick of this disease and wanting to drink normally, might take that as a green light to go back out. Luckily, at least this time, it was me. Stubborn, alcoholic ME. I know what I am. There was a time when I probably wouldn't have let anyone tell me that I had a problem. Now I won't let anyone try to tell me that I DON'T have a problem. I can't afford it.
The only requirement for being a member is to admit that you have a problem. You don't have to have lost a job, a house, or killed someone. Anyone is welcome to come in even if they justTHINK they might have a problem, to see what it is about and to get some clarity about where they stand. Telling another person that they do not have a problem could be a death sentence.

Dee74

The more I stay in recovery, the more I realise how little I know - and long may it stay that way LOL

I've reached the point I know what I am and that's not dependent on what anyone else thinks....glad you have too DB

D

bellakeller

He's just messing with you. Ignore it.

Taking5

I have had similar things happen to me at meetings. I guess because I didn't lose my house or career I didn't "qualify". Sorry but I don't need to keep digging.

Kjell

In AA, we learn from everyone.

I remember after about 6 months or so in AA, I realized that there were a lot of "old timers" who I did not want want what they have.

Kjell

DrunkenBasement

Thanks, D. Always wise, you.

dgillz: right. No need to keep digging.

Kjell: Thanks. You too are always so wise!

BK: "Messing" with me or not, no one can possibly know for sure. Besides, the recovering alcoholic brain is not always able to see things for what they really are. My point was that if the wrong person heard that.... never mind. I am just repeating myself now.

kiki5711

I wouldn't put that much thought into what the ol guy was saying. I don't take people that I don't know that serioiusly.

ChikkaB

LOL being dry does not equal being wise.

I know plenty of people in AA that are idiots. But they are not drinking, so whatever works for them.

You don't have to be an alcoholic to attend AA. You just have to have the desire to stop drinking. And no one, absolutely NO ONE can tell you whether or not you are an alcoholic. You're the only one who gets to make that determination for yourself.

Blow this arrogant old fart off. If he hasn't learned these basic lessons after 31 years in the program, he's not sober, he's just another dry drunk.

NEOMARXIST

Yeah... The same goes for many not so old-timers too. Different strokes for different folks. Just cause you work the 12 steps doesn't mean that you're not a complete t*sser.

Peace

aasharon90

I am one of those questionable people that
others don't see me for what I truely am.

Hi Im Sharon and I am without a doubt
an alcoholic.

Family would say, "your not an alcoholic. It's
all in ur head. You don't look like one nor act
like one. You're just saying that to get attention."

I walk in a meeting and even tho i dont look I
am, im not old looking, not worn down, I know
deep within my gut and soul that I am the real
deal. The real alcoholic.

But you know what?

I don't have to prove a thing to anyone but me
and the Man upstairs. Simple and easy.

I live and honest life with nothing to hide
and pass on the knowledge of recovery
to those who wish to listen all to the best
of my ability.

And that's the way it works for me.

keithj

All depends, DB. The question, 'Are you a real alcoholic?' can be one of the most important questions to a newcomer in AA. Qualifying someone based on how many cars they crashed or families destroyed or nights in jail is not supported by the BB and has no place in AA.

However, asking someone to consider if they are an alcoholic or not forces them to figure it out. They have to take a real look at what that means and use their own experience to answer it. That practice is priceless. If Step 1 is fully conceding to our innermost selves that we were alcoholic, it pays to know just what AA means by that. The BB spends 44 pages +8 in Dr.'s Opinion describing what an alcoholic is. That's not done as just an idle time killer. It's done because it is critical to understand just how screwed they really are.

Without an understanding of the problem, the new person has no need of the solution offered. To avoid the uncomfortableness of this question, we let the newcomer just sit and mistakenly believe that they 'are doing AA' by parking their butt in a chair. And then we blame them when they relapse, when really, they were never given the solution.

A Step 1 experience is vital.

DrunkenBasement

Thanks Sharon! I am the same way. I am pretty young, and I look even younger than I am. I don't look worn down, although I know I should because of the way I treated myself. I have been blessed with good genes and good health, I guess. I know others my same age with my same drinking history who have serious health problems due to their drinking. I feel the same way, though. It's between me and God. I don't have to prove it to anyone.
The details of everyone's story may be different, but the basics are pretty much the same.

I understand what you are saying, keithj, but he was asking me based on things that had nothing to do with alcohol. My level of education, my job status, etc. He didn't know anything of my drinking history... drinking at 7 am, drinking on the job, drinking up to a case of beer a day, etc. The obvious stuff.

1_day@_a_time

On pg 92 of the 12 x 12 it also answers your question.

2nd paragraph, 1st sentence. : D

Oh, and the only Rule in AA, Rule 62 found in 4th Tradition.

Both I need to apply & keep in the forefront of my mind and remember.

silly

Sorry you experienced that, Drunken. And I totally agree that, had you been a newcomer, that could have easily sent you out the door and to the liquor store.

My friends and partner all question my alcoholism. It IS because I don't "look" like it, haven't lost my job, haven't hurt anyone, etc. I tried to explain that I was just hiding it well and they remained skeptical. It wasn't until I asked them if THEY drank before work, drank at work and enjoyed 1/4 bottle of vodka in the car before even going inside the house each evening that they became more convinced. Nothing like brutal honesty to get the point across! Had I been in your shoes I may have said something like that to him. But looking back at my first day at AA, I'm SURE I would have been surprised and suddenly felt unwelcome. Like an intruder.

DrunkenBasement

Thanks, silly. You get it.
I hid it very well too. We all hide it, but maybe some of us better than others? Another thing is the "high functioning" alcoholic. Like so many things, this term is relative. I probably appear to have been HF compared with others, but I knew that I wasn't functioning at the level that I was capable of... I was working, drinking, and basically putting in face time wherever I had to. But I knew I was capable of achieving much more. My house was a mess. I wasn't training my dogs like I used to. I wasn't working out the way I used to. I wasn't drawing or painting or making jewelry like I used to. It was only a matter of time before everything else became something other than what it used to be.

kiki5711

Oh, my, my....give the old guy a brake. You're in a room full of alcoholics you can't be really expecting some kind of "proper" introduction from everyone that talks to you.

If you can fly like a feather from one snide remark from some old man, geez wheez louize! Maybe there's some kind of country club aa meeting where everyone is fake that's has more "appropriate/formal" introductions.

yeahgr8

I used to get angry about things like this but do remember that you are sitting in a room of drunks or posting here with a board full of drunks...everyone is doing the best they can with the individual resources they have available to themselves, at that time.

Get a sponsor, i.e. someone who has worked the steps and had a spiritual awakening and be guided by them...if you are looking for semblance of character and maturity in either of the above places on a majority basis then you are not being realistic, on an individual basis is much more realistic.

Oh and being angry is the natural reaction, now let it go and pray for the old *******:-)

Dee74

let's all keep it civil please.

D

kiki5711

Sorry,

DrunkenBasement

Thanks again, D.

Not sure where I ever said anything about being introduced!?!? Or expecting a proper introduction?

yeahgr8, I have a sponsor, thanks.

Praying is good advice... I'll start with praying for some of the people here on SR.