RainyDayWoman1

Day 17 here! Doing "ok".

wander2

Day 12 here. looking forward to work.. The weekend was difficult, I think the reality that this is forever is setting in.

Gonna be a great sober day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have a great and sober day!

Smudg3r

Day nine.

A few twitchy moments, but also some fairly lucid thoughts on the future.

Something of an awakening in fact...

jerseytomato

Hey all. Day 11. Rough, rough night last night. Lots of guilt and shame. My mother found an empty bottle (who the heck knows how many more are left) and long story short she thinks I've been sober this whole time. She also isn't someone you'd call an enabler, in fact she makes me feel 10x worse than I already feel about myself. She hasn't ever been a loving, caring mother, in fact quite the opposite. So whenever she finds out I have been drinking she treats me like I murdered someone. She calls me a drunk loser, a horrible mother (I have been able to hide it relatively well from my kids), won't talk to me, calls everyone she knows and tells them I'm a drunk. Anyway it brought back all of those horrible feelings and anxiety. I wanted to drink soooo bad. I planned out how I was going to go to the liquor store. I actually thought about leaving my daughter in the car when I went in to buy booze so that she wouldn't say anything, before I came to my senses. I really hate what alcoholism does to my mind. This is the hardest thing I've had to do in my life. Today I didn't think I would make it but somehow I did.

Anyway, my family is back to thinking I am a loser and I will have to work through these horrible feelings, and work back up my relationships. They of course don't think I am sober anymore and don't think I am serious but I can't let that halt my recovery. I have to do this for me and if I can get through these horrible encounters and feelings that I have caused through my drinking I don't ever have to feel like this again.

I'm happy to see everyone else still here! I really need you guys!

wander2

Wow Jersey.. I was have been feeling horrible today myself. Irritable, headaches, the whole 9 yards. I was thinking to myself about going to the liquor store, I event had my jacket on ready to go. I decided first to log on and try not to go. After reading your post I've decided if you can make it I can make it.

I'm doing this thing. Thanks for the inspiration. I am gonna make it thru tonight.

ViciousCycle

That sounds horrible Jersey......guess it may be time to just not care what others think. Just work on you and take care of you.......the rest will fall in place given time. The heck with her.....you know what you are/aren't doing. Hold your head high!

Day 14 for me......wow. I am pleased. Congrats to all of you in this struggle!

ViciousCycle

WTG, Wander. Don't give up! Just for tonight, don't drink.........find something else to do.......you have a good start going.......it won't be worth it.......

jerseytomato

WTG wander! We can do this! Tomorrow is a new day. I have learned that many times in my life, I just have to start BELIEVING it. There have been many, many, days that I thought I couldn't make it through, that it felt like the end of the world, that my mood was unbearable, but I woke up the next day usually feeling much, much better. I try to think about that when I am down and out and it is pretty helpful to get me through.

Vicious, I sure wish I lived in Montana. It's too fast and crazy around here. I bet you take the time to enjoy life a bit more there.

wander2

Luck Day 13 here I come. Boy not sure why but last night was rough. I am hoping the days start getting easier not harder. I guess I am realizing that this is hard and I need to just buck up sometimes and get past it.

Thanks all for the encouragement last night it helps having people on your side.

By the way Jersey. I have been lucky so far as I have been the one who has been finding all my hidden bottles. Just 3 so far, but makes me realize boy I have a problem. And I'm glad I am the one who found them. Its always so embarassing when my wife finds one.

Well lets make today another sober day. Good luck all.

ViciousCycle

Double digits for Smudg today! Yay!

Lorraine, I hope things are good with you, I know you are going through a hard time...be true to yourself first and foremost.

Jersey, it may be the hardest thing you ever do, but I also think it will be one of the best things you ever do for yourself.......not for all the others, for you.....and with that other good things will start happening. I really believe that. I don't envy you living in Jersey. I was born and raised in Connecticut........I left there at around age 20 and never looked back. Too much weather! Too many people!

Way to ride it out, Wander. You guys have heard of HALT? Hungry, angry, lonely, tired? They say one can go back to drinking easier when affected by any of the above......so look out for those feelings. Maybe realize that is all it is......just tired.....etc....

Have a good day everyone, stand firm!!

VC---15 day lady...........

wander2

Way to go on 15 days vicious. It's nice having you part of this thread. You always seem to have the right advice at the right time. I know its helped me.

jerseytomato

Day 12 and I really am struggling. My mood is terrible, I don't care about much of anything and I really am thinking "who cares?" "What's the point?" I am so miserable anyway. Might as well feel a little relief with the miserableness. I am trying to get through the next few hours and then maybe crash and sleep it off.

ViciousCycle

Because you deserve better, Jersey. You are worth not drinking......it will just f&^* up your mind if you do.......your mood will pass......and you will be proud of yourself if you don't drink.......it will not help anyway, it will just be a heavier mind load to carry.........it will pass.....it will, it will, it will!!!!!!!

Can you do something nice for yourself? Jam out with some music, take a walk, go buy something nice for yourself......movie with a friend......call a friend you haven't talked to in awhile.....or just go buy your favorite ice cream and eat the whole damn thing!!!!!!!!!! You have 12 days. I don't know about you, but I think that is amazing! You are one day from lucky 13. You can do this......... :ghug3

Stimmed

All the struggles makes you proud to be sober.

I never knew and still dont know my triggers, i just did it. A thought would come and id go buy.
After about 3yrs, i still get these thoughts, and they are hard to deal with (understatement) as its so easy to get a drink. I still wrestle my head silly, fighting, grimacing. After a while i just get fed up, tired of trying to find ways to fight off the overpowering sense of well-being i have gotten from sobriety.
Then i think its kinda like swapping a Bentley motor, with all you own in the trunk, for some Junker with nothing in it, that goes anywhere! (if that makes sense)

Its possible that i regard my sense of well-being as my greatest reward, but there really is many more for me besides. I had niether after a drink... just, i felt nothing, but a dull buzz and a brief period of sadness, before i fell back into addiction.

... but the plusses in sobriety iv come to see and feel, are 'endless'...

Stick at it and find yours!!

Hope to help ":-)"

wander2

You can do this Jersey.. The bad days are gonna pass. If we don't get past them this time then we will have to next time, you've made it thru so many already don't let this one beat you. Just make it thru tonight. Tomorrow you will thank yourself.

And I'm with Vicious. Ice Cream is a far better reward then a drink. I had 2 bowls last night, I might gain weight but I will do it sober.

Supercrew

"who cares?" "What's the point?"

I care, and the point is drinking is what is causing you the pain and the problems. Drinking won't make you feel better now, and will not help you in the long run

We can all drink if we choose to, but I don't want to anymore. You have to wrap your mind around the fact that as long as you want to drink this will stay hard. Change your mind set from wanting to drink and feel terrible to wanting to be sober and be happy.

Your brain still associates drinking with happiness, you have to realize and believe this is a lie. Stay strong, you are doing great!

Thinkn

I have made it through my first day, no band playing but a personal victory. I just broke the 2000 day drinking binge...

ReadyAndAble

"who cares?" "What's the point?"

This person cared, jerseytomato, and here's why:

Do you remember writing that your first day here? I hope you didn't drink today, but if you did, get right back here tomorrow. The life you want is yours for the taking.

jerseytomato

Ok, my mood has improved, I haven't drank but I still can't sleep. I am overwhelmed by the genuine support and caring that I get on this forum. That is one of the only thing that keeps me going. I am ashamed to say that I didn't really even get out of bed today. I keep telling myself that it is good that I didn't drink even if I didn't get out of bed.

I really don't think I could make it day by day right now without all of your unconditional support. And on a virtual internet forum I feel the love! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I hope I can get some sleep and feel at least a little bit better tomorrow.

wander2

Way to go Jersey. I knew you could do it. And hey sometimes staying in beds not all bad. Now if you feel up to get out and have some fun today. Or at least some good food.. Food has been helping me get past the rough spots.

Welcome aboard thinkn and congratulations on making it thru day 1. Ya I had a couple of those 2000 day binges myself.

Well day 14 here I come.. at 6:00 PM I am officialy 2 weeks. woooooo hooooooo


Have a good one all, we can do this.