daphne

I ruffled a few feathers last time but hope you will have me back !

the last time I looked for support here I thought I has cracked it - my partner left and I was able to stop relying on alcohol
Or so i thought It did not last
He is now back and very soft with me so not good help in my misuse of booze. If I say we are not drinking this week he will agree but if I ask him to get booze he will buy it, he is not a big drinker so drinks less than I do.

I has health problems and been through several consultants with no real answers.I had a liver biopsy that was clear. This result gave me a reason to start drinking heavily again
I generally feel crappy most days so irrationally think I feel crappy drink will help ( it does) and a hangover is no worse than how I feel when not drinking.
The amount I can drink is as expected is increasing , my tolerance is higher than ever, I do not feel drunk after a bottle of 12% wine. It would now take 2. But I feel detached and relaxed and that is what I am after
I have even considered buying valium or similar tranquiliser off the internet as i now need the feeling of detachment, i like it.
I am back up to drinking around botte wine a day , more on weekends. My social life is busy and we all enjoy a good drink however I finish my drinks quicker and drink more than most.
I have tried changing my routine as my drinking is only from when I get in from work til about 9pm . I cannot break this association.
I know the risks and the possible damage ( I have been through the mill with the medical problems I have) yet I cannot break my habit
Its so so depressing

Forward

You like the feeling of detachment because you are used to doing a drug (alcohol) and you are wanting to simply switch to a different drug (as you mentioned Valium). That is not getting sober OR even facing life without being altered.

You have to want to live life without any intoxicating / mind altering substance OR it's not gonna work.

You really should get professional help at this point IMHO.

lushly

You sound very much like me. Although the I drank for the most part alone. I have been sober six days. I went to the Dr. and my liver seems to be holding out. I drink 1-2 bottle of 12% wine very easily. It often takes something to stop you. I had a drinking bender that just was enough,. I am getting too old for this Sh*t! Almost 50 and drank since I was 16. Today I am antsy and yet have no energy or focus at the same time. I am not sure it is a drink I want, but I don't like the discomfort. I wish u luck.

CarolD

Buying and taking any med without your doctors ok
is simply foolish. Of course ..what you mention is
also highly addictive and mexing them with alcohol
can be dangerous.

A lot of drinkers wind up dually addicted...and some die.
Untreated alcoholism kills many too.

Apparently you intend to make no changes for your
well being....darn shame....
.

Anna

I think you need to want to be sober and if you still like the feeling of detachment and are considering valium, it will be hard for you to recover.

I do believe that changing your routines can help and I wonder what you have done to change your evening routines? Maybe you could try some kind of exercise in the evening, taking a course, or something that would give you purpose.

And, it's always a good idea to talk to your dr because detoxing from alcohol can be dangerous.

Ghostly

What are you looking to do? What do you want? Most of us would have liked to of stayed in our old lives at one point. That's what makes it so difficult to get out.

Like Suki writes - Nothing changes if nothing changes.

MsCooterBrown

You are in the cycle that so many struggle to get out of..drink..hangover..drink more..hangover..it is the circle the drain syndrome. The only sober time you have is when you are working..I will venture a bet that you still have alcohol in your system then. I used to think I was sober at work..UNTIL I actually got sober. Listen to yourself.."But I feel detached and relaxed and that is what I am after
I have even considered buying valium or similar tranquiliser off the internet as i now need the feeling of detachment, i like it."

Until you get OUT of this mindset you will remain drunk. I strongly hope you don't start mixing in internet drugs with this. You will find yourself forever detached. This story comes to mind:
Karen Ann Quinlan was the first modern icon of the right-to-die debate. The 21-year-old Quinlan collapsed at a party after swallowing alcohol and the tranquilizer Valium on 14 April 1975. Doctors saved her life, but she suffered brain damage and lapsed into a "persistent vegetative state." Her family waged a much-publicized legal battle for the right to remove her life support machinery. They succeeded, but in a final twist, Quinlan kept breathing after the respirator was unplugged. She remained in a coma for almost 10 years in a New Jersey nursing home until her 1985 death.

MsCooterBrown

^^^^^^^^^^^^

That is worse than death!!!!!!! Trapped in your own body.

Dee74

Sounds like you're digging a deep hole Daphne.

The only way out of the cycle is action.
Reach out & make some real changes before it's too late.

D

littlefish

WELCOME BACK! I remember you Daphne: you never ruffled my feathers. I remember all your posts, and I recognized so much of my own thinking in your posts.
Detachment? Oh, yes, I loved that feeling of detachment. That is the state I wanted to be in: detached, comfortable numb.
It is worrying that you want to throw drugs into the mix. Maybe it is time to throw a program into the mix? I know from past posts you don't want a faith based program, but you don't have to choose one. There are non-faith based programs.
A bottle of wine a day is not normal drinking, you know that. Two bottles, even further from normal.
If you take that first small step, find a program, go to that first meeting, you might find yourself asking why you want to seek detachment?
I have received the amazing gift of self-knowledge in recovery. I now understand why I was seeking detachment in the first place. It has been a long process, the road has been a bumpy, winding road for me in recovery, but despite all the struggles I've had along the way, I'd rather be on that bumpy, winding and occasionally difficult road than the other one I was on before.

artsoul

hi daphne - I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling. This isn't an easy thing to deal with - you have to pour your heart and soul into recovering. And very few people can do it without some kind of help...

I hope it doesn't take more health problems for you to want to get sober. Glad you posted - if you want support, it's here!:ghug3

deadeso

Daphne

The thing you have to realize is that if you have an enabler in your life, then you have to take charge and responsibility over your sobriety a bit more.

If he buys booze when you ask him to, then you have to learn to not ask him.

Akayla

Daphne, love...i see myself in you 100 times over.

DO NOT purchase drugs off the internet. I have a lot of experience with that and will share with you via PM if you need- just let me know. Biggest point: you don't know what the hell you're getting when you order illegally from the internet. I found that out the hard way.

Like you, I was drinking a bottle (or more) of wine a day and mixing with benzos. I had a relapse last night which is well documented in the substance abuse forum.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lapse-too.html

What are your triggers? What are your medical problems (if you feel comfortable sharing such?) are those medical problems worth being drunk?

You CAN break you habit. You just need help. I am going to detox for benzos and alcohol on Monday. There are options for everyone. You can kick this, you just have to want to.

Do you want to? Is that truly your desire?

Hugs and love,
~A

Sasha4

Please don't add valium into the mix......

If you think the drinking habit is hard to break, the benzo one is even harder.

Benzo's and booze are deadly together. Believe me I know.

I think you are so right about breaking habits and how hard it is. I think some of us, me included, find it hard to do something other than sitting in one chair on a night with a drink in one hand.

It takes effort and hard work to do it. But it is worth it.

I look at my 16 month old. She has so much energy when she gets up in the morning. But of course she does - she gets 12 hours sleep a night. She drinks lots of water and eats good healthy food.

Thats what we want to be like!!!!


Not dry heaving and shaking in the morning, thinking how am I gonna get through the day. Worrying that the twinges might be damage done from drinking.

Valium off the internet is going to be cheap.

What about spending your cash on something better to help you?

My thoughts

1, Some sleep inducing bath products to help you relax on a night time.

2, Hypnotherpy sessions to relax you and break the habits you have made.

3, A session with a nutrionist to see if there are any vitamins you are deficiant in to help with the irritable feelings.

4, Buy yourself some books and magazines. When you get home from work, get into bed with miky hot drink and read until you go to sleep.


Could you confide in a friend who you trust from the group you spend time with and say that booze causes you problems and perhaps see if you could organise other activities that you can all do but are not centered round booze?

Wishing you well and keep coming back here.


xx

michelle01

It's a sickness, there's a lot of biology involved that overrides rational thinking. The dependency says it wants to drink now, it doesn't think about the consequences later.

That's how it was for me, I now have nearly a year and a half sober but I couldn't do it on my own. Have you tried a support group such as AA and been open with doctors about this?

Most of us with experience of alcoholism have tried a return to controlled drinking, some of us can sustain it for awhile and it gives false hope, but if you are an alcoholic sooner or later that is going to backfire.

I agree about the warnings mixing alcohol and medication, I've been there too.

At the times you feel you are most at risk, try to have some support available. If nobody directly, there are phone and Internet services available 24 hours a day, where you can talk to someone live.

I thought that I drank for relaxation purposes too but in the end that backfired on me as well, I found that my anxiety was actually exacerbated by alcohol, as well as my depression. After one of my last drinking sessions, one of my worst of all time, I had to talk to some help on the phone nearly all morning to prevent myself having a panic attack and losing it in some way.

You can get yourself into a cycle however, which feeds on itself. You drink, you feel bad from it afterwards or do something stupid, so you drink again to feel better and so on.

Getting sober works a day at a time, each one is an accomplishment and that's where we all start.

FrothyJay

Well said. The idea that we can reason with insanity is...well, insanity. A sick mind cannot treat a sick mind. This is the essence of powerlessness.

pattenat

2 words come to mind for me: Slow Suicide

I can't say anything different that anyone else has already posted. I can tell you that you're not going to quit until you're ready to quit.

With so many depressing thoughts maybe this article will be of some use (found it in a post here on SR when I was brand new). I apply the information in it to my thought processes every day (almost every moment)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...anagement.html

Good Luck Daphne! And welcome back.

Danae

Thanks Pattenat---great link!

daphne

Thanks for all your supportive responses. I think as I communicated before I do not think I care enough about myself to stop. I have always had high risk behaviour, wreckless and impulsive. I have never learned to look after myself. an extrovert I crave the company and stimulation of others. Classic party animal. I realise I should want to look after myself but dont.
Today weekend day i would normally drink fair bit, went to the bar with partner had one then stopped. Went a long walk later in the day instead of sitting with wine.
My health problems are auto immune in nature - I take 3 tablets a day but these do not resolve the condition- they are unclear after many many tests what is wrong. I gave up drinking for two months and I felt no better. My irrational thinking is I feel crap anyway so drinking is going to medicate me. I know this is damaging me further

gr8ful42day

Praying for you.

As another poster said, nothing changes if nothing changes.