jerseytomato

I just can't stay sober for more than a week. I attempted to quit last week before a trip to visit my family and in retrospect it wasn't the best time. When I got home I stopped at the liquor store and went on a bender. The thing is that I can't make it past the withdrawals. The anxiety, depression, fatigue and feelings of hopelessness are so intense that it always leads me back to drinking again to relieve the agonizing pain for the moment.

I am at the end of my rope. I hate myself, feel worthless and want so badly to overcome the intense cravings. I guess the only thing I can do is get back on the horse and never give up.

My alcoholic lying self thought about not even posting about this but I know you all understand what I am going through and can offer support. I keep telling myself that it will get better, question is when and how do I get through it?

Anna

Well, I don't think there is a ever a 'good' time to stop drinking. There is always something that comes along to cause upset, but that's life, and that's what recovery is about. You can learn to deal with stuff like that.

Have you made any other changes in your life besides stopping drinking? For me, there were people in my life who had to go, and other changes in my daily routine that really helped.

Never give up!

whostolethesoul

Hey,

I was about to head out to the pool, but I saw your post and read it. I went through withdrawls (all the anxiety, dep., fat., and feelings of hopelessness) on tuesday. I have tried quitting before as well. In fact, it seems like after ever bender, I say that I will stop, but here comes thurs or fri and I am back out doing it. Good job for postin how you feel. Dont beat yourself up...you are never at the end of your rope, unless you are in the ground. Give it some time, focus on today, keep posting. Me, since thurs (when I joined) try to dedicate an hour of reading and posting. Dont get on that horse, but never forget that that horse is there....because when you forget its there, and where it will take you, you might get on for the ride.

WSTS, former NJ boi

Auggie

Glad to have you back Jersey T!

I wonder if you really can't stay sober for more than a week or maybe it is just extremely difficult to stay sober for more than a week? Is it that you can't make it past the withdrawals or that it is really hard to make it past the withdrawals?

Just because you haven't made it past the withdrawals in the past doesn't mean you won't do it this time. There are 2 things that really helped me get through withdrawals. First, I kept a copy of all the reasons I want to quit with me at all times and read it often. The other thing I kept reminding myself of is that I go through withdrawals all the time when I am drinking. My response was to drink more to get rid of the withdrawal symptoms. This last time, I decided to just ride it out so that I will never have to go through it again.

I highly recommend finding as much support as possible. I check in here several times a day. Try to find a local group you can talk to as well. It really helps.

Finally, my last piece of advice (for the moment) is try taking all that energy you are spending on "hating" yourself and try to apply it toward focusing on the you that you want to be. The life you want to have. Finding the joy in your life at this very moment.

I know you CAN do this.

:ghug3

starlight40

Thankyou for being so honest, not just with us but with yourself.
If only my AH could be as honest.
But I think this might be helpful.
When my AH went into the hospital for acute withdrawl. The doctor put him on ativan for about a month. He was doing just fine......until he ran out.
Two days later he went out and got his beer while I was out.

I could tell as he was weaning off of the ativan that the anxiety was beginning to take hold. Perhaps your Doctor would consider giving you a script. Now, I'm not saying switch one problem for another, I'm just saying that as a temporary measure, it might help.

Fandy

If you want it, you are going to have to work for it....you CAN do this. You have to maintain you week and beyond by making a practical plan to deal with your triggers that make you stop at the liquor store.

i hate to sound like a parrot, but if nothing changes, nothing changes.

JT, pick yourself up, dust off your buttisimo and try again. If I can stop drinking, you can too. Remember how good you CAN feel when you are not recovering from a bender, hangover...and remember how craptastic you feel right now. You can stop this cycle.

Akayla

Yeah, I've begun to realize identifying and then avoiding your triggers is really key, especially with drinking (not my DoC, but I still drink too much). And as was pointed out earlier, there is never an ideal time to quit anything. Heck, I'm going to detox Monday for pills and alcohol not because I want to stop experiencing the sensations they give me but because I know I have to- they are ruining my life. For crap's sake, I've got 2 days to detox and went on a bender last night so bad that my mom had to come take care of me and considered taking me to the ER (although I had mixed pills with the booze). I had also relapsed after 3 weeks of no alcohol use. I am mad as hell at myself right now too.
Have you thought about treatment? AA or anything of the like?

Best of luck,
~A

Familyman

JT,

Nothing in life is simple! If your withdrawls is what's making you keep coming back to the drinking, How is that working out for you? Get past the withdrawls, look at your daily cyles to see why you drink, and replace that activity with something else. There is medicine available through your doctor that will help you deal with your withdrawls. Stay in touch with this forum for daily support. Good luck.

Fandy

If you made it past the anxiety and uncomfortable symptoms last week, you can do it this week....Do you want to really stop?

Do something PROACTIVE to help insure your success. Call your doctor for an appt. on Monday, check here and post every couple of hours if you need to. toss out your booze. drink water and eat light food...get busy planning your sobriety. or anything other than drinking.

EmeraldRose

I drank for 30 years and tried to quit for 20. Don't beat youself up because you think you have failed youself a few times. It WILL happen when your time is right. When your heart and mind both agree at the same time -not your sober mind saying "I have to stop this destruction" or your heart saying "It hurts me so much to continue this way" They have to stop at the same time! But that's my humble opinion.
Change your habits...I don't go to the same stores anymore that even sell liquor. If I stop at a gas station that has liquor in the store I pay at the pump and don't even go in.
Today is my 30th day...no cheats, no travelers and more money in my pocket! LOL

You're a Jersey girl, for Pete's sake...we are strong and tenacious! I was born and raised in North Jersey! You can do this badabing badaboom!

FrothyJay

Thanks for posting the perfect description of the insanity of alcoholism.

There's a simple question on the table: are you able, under your own power, to stop this cycle of drinking? Or are you not?

Can you "try harder?"

What happens after you get through the withdrawals? Have you ever drank again when there was no physical discomfort? What's the excuse then?

I had to learn that I didn't just have a physical addiction and allergy to alcohol-- I had a mental obsession that I could not overcome.

You'll get both points of view on here. I only know how to do this after I admit complete and utter defeat. That's the program of AA.

Forward

The withdrawal sucks but that only shows that alcohol is indeed an addictive substance...otherwise no physical withdrawal. Unfortunately, you just have to deal with it unless you go to a detox center where it can be managed.

Doing it yourself (and one should consult their doctor prior to doing so)...I would recommend being very easy and forgiving to yourself...reduce your stress as much as possible for the first week. Drink tons of water...I drink sparkling water since I find that it is easier to drink than plan water.

Distractions are a must...you have to fill the time you would normally be drinking...what to do? Rent movies...read a book you have been putting off reading...meditate to calm your restless mind and focus on your goal of NOT drinking that day.

You can do it!

jerseytomato

I knew I would find support here! All of your posts have given me a little bit of hope for the day. What a relief to get that off my chest. I don't have much support from my family, they have pretty much given up on me (understandably so), so it is good to talk to others who understand.

Although I still have it, the anxiety is better today, last night it was so intense that I thought I was going to throw up. I didn't sleep at all but when I woke up this morning I told myself, "I got through it and I didn't die." I can obviously do it. I guess the bottom line is, discomfort or not, my alcoholic brain will find any excuse to drink and I can't let it trick me.

I am trying to stay busy today, doing laundry, surfing the internet etc. I try to look forward to what my life can be when I get a craving.

Anyway, I have an appointment with my doctor next week...thanks again everyone.

Hollyanne

My 2 cents?

Scratch that last attempt. Totally doesn't count. Now for the love of God, concentrate on yourself and quit with the family visits! Jeesh!

Oh and here's a big hug.
:ghug3

SoberinHburg

It took a lot of courage to "put it all out there." You remind me of myself during the years that I could stop for a little while but couldn't "stay stopped." The cycle seemed endless. In 2008, I went to AA and thought I found the answer. I stayed sober for most of a year and thought I would just go back out one more time for a few months. In reality, I didn't envision myself as never drinking again. There was still something in me that wanted to drink. I didn't know what alcohol was doing to me. Anyway, I stayed out for nearly a year - a horrible year.

I started getting anxiety attacks between drinking sessions. I knew the booze was doing that to me. God (as I understand Him) was showing me what I was doing to myself. So, my last drink was in October 2009. Unfortunately, I had been taking a benzo (clonazepam) for the last 13 of my 40 years of drinking. The benzo was keeping me in withdrawal even after I quit drinking. I finally tapered off the benzo over 6 months ago. I haven't had a "good" day since I quit drinking - anxiety/depression and everything that goes with them. Once I get past the benzo withdrawal (which requires time), I am very hopeful that those things will have passed.

My point is that the anxiety and depression only get worse each time we withdraw. If I would have known years ago that withdrawals include anxiety and depression like this, I would have quit at a young age. I drank and took benzos for a long time. I am paying the price for that now (although things will get better as my time off the benzos increases). I wouldn't wish what I have gone through since 2009 on an enemy (let alone another alcoholic who wants to recover).

What they say in the AA rooms is true, "It does get better" (if you quit drinking). The converse is also true, "It does get worse" (if you don't quit).
Alcohol is a cunning, baffling, powerful enemy. I didn't appreciate that the first time in AA. I pray for your success in getting through the withdrawal and staying away from alcohol.

"Pay me now, or pay me later." - Alcohol

CarolD

Are you checking into your local AA for understanding
and support?

That is what I did when my drinking turned me into a depressed
woman I detested.
It's been a positive way to stay sober for me....

All my best,good to see you here again...

least

I did the same thing over and over - couldn't get past the anxiety of w/d. Getting medical help was a great help to me, to be able to reduce the anxiety of w/d made it possible to stay sober. Ask your doctor for help. In the meantime, think about some outside support, like AA or counseling. You can do this.

Fandy

you have to remember that drinking increases your anxiety and depression. If you want to feel better about yourself and your problems you have to stop the cycle.

JT, glad you are going to the doctor, hope they order labs for you....sometimes seeing what you are doing to your body is going to keep you from going back to self-destruction.

I clean and will gladly take doing house chores over laying around like a depressed maniac any time. You will feel better and better and think clearly....and yes, stay away from the family stuff if you cannot process it right now...staying sober is more important.

PS, i am saying this to myself as much as to you....i just put my family issues on the back burner for a couple of weeks....it did not affect them....they were still there waiting for me.

FrothyJay

In my experience, it does not get better when I simply stop drinking. In fact, it gets worse.

That's because alcohol was my solution for my alcoholism-- the underlying distress, anxiety, and disturbances that make me an alcoholic.

Sure, by taking alcohol out of the equation, I minimize the chaos. But that pales in comparison to the internal unmanageability that takes over, the noise that I can no longer quiet with alcohol.

Until it gets so overwhelming that I have to douse it.

That's alcoholic insanity. I can only stop that by treating the underlying cause (the "ism") and not the outward facing symptom (the drinking).

Sure, it starts with the stopping-- we can't work a program of recovery while we're inebriated. But if anyone is wondering why the simple act of stopping hasn't made their lives better, consider that you've treated the symptom, and not the underlying cause.

The 12 steps of AA treat the underlying cause. And we recover.

newby1961

JT

Now your talking to someone who tryed to quit and kept relapsing till it darn near almost sent me over the edge.

What I didn't know at the time is that the drinking is physical but it is also emotional and spiritual.

I also think for awhile I didn't really want to quit, cause it was still working for me, I just didn't want the consequences that went with it. Like my family issues and later on legal.

Some people have to reach many intense bottoms before they throw their hands up and admit utter defeat.

For some reason my gut is telling me you already know all this? So you know what to do you just have to do it?

You have taken your first step by reaching out for help on here, now you just have to take it a little further. Get your butt to a mtg, and if it is that hard for you to withdraw that is what detox is for.

You don't have to live this way but its gonna take some work on your part